My daughter has been spending way to much time with her Boyfriend. HELP!!! - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-28-2013, 07:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter has been spending way to much time with her Boyfriend. She's only 13 and she goes to his house everyday. She usually returns back around 3:00 in the morning or sometimes the next day! I mean, the guy's name is Jason and he's nice and all, but I think they don't need to be together all the time. I don't want anyone to get me wrong here, but I'm worried. I found a strange picture of my daughter Grace and Jason, but I don't really want to describe it. I was going to talk with her this morning, but of course, since it's her Thanksgiving break, she went to Jason's house! I don't know if she's ready to date or not, but believe me. She went on a date with him already, and they had their first kiss last night! One thing that I am not very happy about... she said she's ready to have sex! I don't know what to do. Help!
 

 

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Old 11-28-2013, 08:07 AM
 
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Do you think 13 is old enough to be out until 3 am?


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Old 11-28-2013, 08:24 AM
 
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I have two grown girls and one 14 year old. They all had curfews until they were around 21 years of age. Children do need guidance and boundaries and letting them know what time they need to be home at night as well as many other things and then following up with a suitable consequence if the rules are not followed is  a healthy part of parenting.

 

I think children feel safer when they have some boundaries that they need to stay within when they are obviously too young to make many decisions themselves.

 

I know none of my girls would have been allowed to stay out until 3:00 at 18, much less 14. Maybe talking to her respectfully about parameters of what you expect from her and making it known she does need to still be parented may be in order.


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Old 11-28-2013, 08:27 AM
 
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hmmmm, this smells like it might have been written by a 13 year old.  

In the case that it was not and its a legit post, the word NO goes a long way.  She is 13, you are the parent


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Old 11-29-2013, 05:53 PM
 
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Set limits... Also I highly recommend a chaperone a 13 year old child is not in my opinion old enough to be off on her own especially if a parent is uncomfortable. I do come from the belief system that when you're ready to be married and find someone you're compatable with spending time together is important but until then its best to get together in groups, 13 isn't even high school age, there is a lot of growing up to do and young ladies hopefully can protect their hearts.
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Old 11-29-2013, 07:20 PM
 
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hmmmm, this smells like it might have been written by a 13 year old.  

In the case that it was not and its a legit post, the word NO goes a long way.  She is 13, you are the parent

Besides, it's illegal to let your underage child wander the streets without a parent or legal guardian after a certain time in many areas of the U.S. In my area, it's 10PM.


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Old 11-29-2013, 11:06 PM
 
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I live in a college town with no community curfew. However, none of my kids have been wandering the streets until all hours. I would be picking her up and meeting his parents. I would also not allow the "boy/girl friend" of my 13 year old child to be at my house until 3am. Call me old fashioned ;-) .
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Old 11-30-2013, 06:40 AM
 
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I have to wonder if this child ha an actual parent...... 

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Old 11-30-2013, 11:53 AM
 
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Besides, it's illegal to let your underage child wander the streets without a parent or legal guardian after a certain time in many areas of the U.S. In my area, it's 10PM.

 

Really? I had no idea about this. I'm amazed that this sort of law exists in the Land of the Free. Seems really weird to this Canadian. Shaking my head from north of the border.

 

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Old 11-30-2013, 07:54 PM
 
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It's not the land of the free for the underage:-) I guess it's supposed to deter crime, keep youths from roaming around committing crimes. But it's also to make sure parents are being responsible for their children. Exceptions are made for employment and emergencies. The law is at the local level so differs from area to area. It's pretty common in the more urban areas. And if you are in such an area, you'd better dang well be aware of it if you are letting your 13 yo wander around in the middle of the night. It might make it a bit easier to decide it's not ok for your 13 yo to be out at 3am without a parent when you're facing fines and/or jail time.


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Old 11-30-2013, 10:26 PM
 
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But it's also to make sure parents are being responsible for their children. 

 

That's what I meant by my comment: legislating parenting doesn't sound like freedom to me. It also seems rather disrespectful of youth. But I guess with my rural perspective I shouldn't judge.

 

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Old 11-30-2013, 11:43 PM
 
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We have curfews where I live for kids under 18, it's midnight, but it doesn't mean they have to be at their home with their parents, it just means they need to be somewhere during those hours that isn't outside. We have a lot of trouble with cruising downtown and bars start closing after midnight so some of it is safety and some is probably to deter crime.

OP, I think you should talk to your dd about safe sex and put up some boundaries if you don't want her staying out all hours. Just waking her up early consistently may deter her from staying out late without having to have a conversation about the hours though. My mom never cared about the hours we kept as long as we had a specific place and purpose while keeping them but having to wake up early meant we typically kept "decent" hours.
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Old 12-01-2013, 07:09 AM
 
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That's what I meant by my comment: legislating parenting doesn't sound like freedom to me. It also seems rather disrespectful of youth. But I guess with my rural perspective I shouldn't judge.

 

miranda

Oh feel free to judge, lol. It's really the Land of There Ought to be a Law. If there isn't a law, someone wants to make one up.


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Old 12-01-2013, 03:45 PM
 
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it just means they need to be somewhere during those hours that isn't outside. 

 

Glad the city my dd lived in when she was 17 doesn't have a curfew: because of time zone changes and connections, the only flight schedule that could get her home without overnighting in an airport arrived at 11:33 pm, and there's no way she'd have got to her place before midnight. Wouldn't have wanted her risking arrest just trying to get home. 

 

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Old 12-01-2013, 04:39 PM
 
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I don't know how other places work but they don't arrests kids for being out after curfew, they issue a warning or ticket. Our police force is also not quick to pull people over, ticket, or arrest people and even if you are pulled over they are very understanding and easy going. We have such a reasonable police force that the laws we have really don't seem invasive but I can see how the thought of having to live with laws like these would put somebody off if their experience or perception of police is as irrational people doling out tickets and arrests like candy.
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Old 12-02-2013, 10:33 AM
 
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Yeah, in most areas it is intended to give the police legal backing if they see young people that they think are either in danger or causing trouble. Exceptions are made for traveling as well as commuting to/from work and emergencies. Philly was having a juvenile crime wave and started a 9pm curfew (it might have been 11pm previously) so the police could legally pick up people under 18 who were outside at night. I suspect they paid more attention to groups of kids loitering on street corners than individuals who looked like they were en route to a specific destination. We've had problems with tweens and teens flash mobbing stores and grabbing merchandise. That happens during the day, of course, when the stores are open. But similar things happen at night. And since juveniles aren't treated as adults for most crimes, there are instances where younger people are used for things like drug dealing so adults aren't caught in possession. A curfew in these areas limits such things a little.

 

On one level, I don't think there should be so many laws. But on another, I'm not sure what the alternative should be in some of these situations. I was pretty mature (as in sensible) when I was 13yo. And I don't believe in "stranger danger" paranoia. But the fact of the matter is there is no one around at 3AM if you are walking home and someone starts harassing you. It wasn't fun to have guys pull along side me on a dark street offering me "hey baby" rides when I was 16 and it wasn't that late. There is an attitude towards girls that if they are out alone at night they are "asking for it." I can't see not caring about my 13 yo being in such a position. And I can't see my 13 yo even entertaining not telling me where he is and when he'll be back as an option. And that isn't about control, it's about consideration. I tell him when I'm going out and when I'll be back, too.  


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Old 12-08-2013, 01:08 AM
 
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i dont get you OP. she hangs out at his place till 3 and sometimes the whole night. 

 

and now you are having objections about her having sex? through your actions you've already said yes. 

 

now you want to change things?

 

how is she doing in school? is she doing her schoolwork at his place?

 

cant you invite him over at your place? 

 

since you are really upset about this i would take her to planned parenthood and have someone there talk to her and prepare her with the things she needs.  someone needs to do the talking. 


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Old 12-08-2013, 04:03 PM
 
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I do hope the original poster was, as one responder suggested, the 13 year posting and not the mother.  The notion of a 13 year old is running with a boy (or, even alone) at 3 AM on a regular basis and that her parent is *wondering* what can be done is both sad and scary. 

 

Parenting is not easy.  It's work.  And, during the teenage years, it's often thankless work that produces a lot of gray hairs.  Nonetheless, it is this mother's obligation (moral and legal), no matter how difficult, to keep her daughter safe.  And, the 'how' of it, while apt to result in tantrums and more of those gray hairs, is not a mystery.  The formula is boundaries + meaningful consequences for breach + lessons to instill the daughter's understanding of the need to prioritize education and health (both of which suffer when a child does not put-in time to study and a full night's sleep), and self-respect above all else, and that 'wants' must pass through a filter of 'should' before taking action.  There is no easy fix or magic words for the problem presented.

 

I have always seen the parents' role in raising teens, first and foremost, as guardian of the their future - to not let them do anything today that will jeopardize 'tomorrow' and to help open doors and let them explore possibilities.  The scenario described in the original post came with a soundtrack of doors slamming shut and opportunities coming to a screeching halt.  So, unless this mom steps-up to the task, she's apt to witness what becomes of a teen left to follow whims and intervention by child protective services, should someone concerned makes that call.

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