What would you do about this? Walked in on Son with his GF.... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 186 Old 08-16-2014, 08:02 PM
 
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We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.
So did you open a closed door into his room????

 
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#32 of 186 Old 08-16-2014, 08:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So did you open a closed door into his room????
Yes, why?
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#33 of 186 Old 08-16-2014, 08:18 PM
 
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I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).
To tell her parents that she's become sexually active with your ds? If that's what you mean, I absolutely would not do so.

I think that one has the right to privacy and self-determination long before legally being an adult, and that unless there is a significant risk of serious and imminent harm, a parent should respect those rights especially when dealing with someone else's almost-adult. I'm the parent to two teens and a 20-year-old, and I do not believe that it is my right as their parent to know what they're doing with their bodies in the privacy of personal romantic relationships if they don't want me to know. Obviously I hope that they'll feel comfortable talking to me, but if they weren't I would never consider it my right to know anyway.

I may be misunderstanding what you meant.

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#34 of 186 Old 08-16-2014, 09:40 PM
 
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I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).

Because you really don't know how some one else treats their child.

My father beat me up for less as a teen. Beat me up. Black eye and bruises. And I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

Also called me a whore and told me he wished I hadn't been born. Kicked me out of the house.

And again, I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

I deeply feel that it is our job as parents to build the kind of relationship with our children where they feel they can be honest with us, and that if we don't do that, it isn't any one else's job to tell us what is going on.

Sometimes when teens don't tell their parents things, they have good cause.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#35 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 05:53 AM
 
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Yes, why?
Because I think that crosses a line. Somewhere in your mind you must have known what 'might' be going on behind a closed door with loud music with 2 seventeen year olds in the room. And what you might see. That's all.

 
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#36 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 07:24 AM
 
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Because you really don't know how some one else treats their child.

My father beat me up for less as a teen. Beat me up. Black eye and bruises. And I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

Also called me a whore and told me he wished I hadn't been born. Kicked me out of the house.

And again, I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

I deeply feel that it is our job as parents to build the kind of relationship with our children where they feel they can be honest with us, and that if we don't do that, it isn't any one else's job to tell us what is going on.

Sometimes when teens don't tell their parents things, they have good cause.
And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?
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#37 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 07:27 AM
 
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To tell her parents that she's become sexually active with your ds? If that's what you mean, I absolutely would not do so.

I think that one has the right to privacy and self-determination long before legally being an adult, and that unless there is a significant risk of serious and imminent harm, a parent should respect those rights especially when dealing with someone else's almost-adult. I'm the parent to two teens and a 20-year-old, and I do not believe that it is my right as their parent to know what they're doing with their bodies in the privacy of personal romantic relationships if they don't want me to know. Obviously I hope that they'll feel comfortable talking to me, but if they weren't I would never consider it my right to know anyway.

I may be misunderstanding what you meant.

Miranda
Because what they're doing with their bodies in private may not be safe or wise. Teenager, heck, young adults, still need some guidance from their parents. For example, OP admitted that they were not using condoms. BC pills are okay for stopping pregnancy (sometimes) but they don't stop STIs, which are RAMPANT among the population!
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#38 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 07:38 AM
 
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And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?
As Linda pointed out, you wouldn't have known that her family was the exception, and among abusive families, hers would be the rule, the easily spotted abuse would be the exception.

In addition to the obvious problem of not knowing which family is abusive and all the potential harm that could be caused by telling, there are many parents whose way of coping with the topic of teenage sex is to simply try very hard not to know that their kid is sexually active. Bursting the parents' bubble would be an unkindness, especially in a case where the teens are already being reasonably responsible.
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#39 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 08:02 AM
 
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Because what they're doing with their bodies in private may not be safe or wise.
How is telling the girl's parents that she's having sex going to make the boy more likely to don a condom? Let's be realistic here. It's been a good number of years since I was a teen but I remember this: over-riding a teen's desire for privacy and autonomy is one of the quickest ways to shut down all trust and respect and thereby any openness to guidance.

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#40 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 09:22 AM
 
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I have to agree. Unless you truly believe a teen is a victim of abuse, perhaps in a situation with a much older person or mentally incapable of truly giving consent, telling the parents may do more harm than good. Two 17-year-olds that have been in a committed relationship for 4 years don't really qualify as any of those things.

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#41 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 09:23 AM
 
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And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?
Because you have absolutely no idea if you are dealing with the exception or the rule. And for the minors who are the exception, the consequences are too great.

I also agree with others that doing anything that shuts down communication or trust is unwise. If you want your teen or young adult to give even the slightest crap what you have to say, you must treat them with respect. This is way, way past the stage when you control things in their lives. The best we have is *influence,* and that requires we are respectful.

I think the core problem is that many, many parents don't accept that their offspring are sexual beings who will eventually have sex, and that they will make their own choices (hopefully) and when to be sexual and who to be sexual with.

I put the hopefully in there because the rape stats are so high.

Honestly, as parents of teens we have much bigger things to worry about that our kids who are in monogamous relationships having sex while using hormonal birth control. Chances are, the teens int he OP have only ever been with each other. (They've been a couple since they were 13). Condoms are a great habit, I'm all for them. But really, those two sound like they had their bases covered.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#42 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 09:34 AM
 
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I would be pissed about the sex during babysitting. It's not appropriate to seclude yourself away, with loud music and not be able to at least hear what was going on in the rest of the house while babysitting. Also, if his sister needed something, having to walk in on your brother and his gf is not acceptable for a 10 year old, or any sibling. You have sex on your time, not the time you are supposed to be doing something else.

It's not my place to tell anyone about my child's or their child's sex life. I would say nothing. I would up my safe sex talks, make it very well understood that I expect clothing on when he's babysitting
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#43 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 09:36 AM
 
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I have to agree. Unless you truly believe a teen is a victim of abuse, perhaps in a situation with a much older person or mentally incapable of truly giving consent, telling the parents may do more harm than good. Two 17-year-olds that have been in a committed relationship for 4 years don't really qualify as any of those things.
I completely and totally disagree with all of you that say the parents of the girl should not know. Having raised children to adulthood--adult children with whom I have great, open relationships. However, we can agree to disagree. But you must acknowledge that not everyone agrees with you and that some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.
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#44 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 10:01 AM
 
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We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.

Having said this, it strikes me that the loud music, rather than the sex, is the problem here. Its a problem from the point of view of babysitting. If he cant hear, he cant respond to a problem situation. Its a problem from the point of view of keeping sex private- he didnt know you were trying to see him , and wouldnt know if his sister was about to enter.


So i would say- turn down the music, and dont do anything that compromises your ability to take care of your sister. I actually think the sex part of it is irrelevant. (If she were alot younger, i would say, dont have sex while taking care of her, but at 10, i dont think its a problem)

Btw, i didnt mean to imply in my above post that you walked in on him, or were being rude in any way. I was just stating a rule of thumb, namely, knocking on doors before entering. It wasnt clear to me at the time whether or not you had knocked.

I agree with above posters that people have the right to privacy and bodily integrity, no matter their age.

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#45 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 10:19 AM
 
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I wanted to add, that i cant think of anything more benign and innocent than two consenting 17 year olds who have been in a relationship for 4 years, having sex. I dont see it as a red flag in anyway. Im not even sue why the subject of telling the parents came up.

I could see the dilemma of wanting to tell the parents if your kids were 13 (and they were probably having sex then for all you know), but not at 17. I can see the dilemma, because as a parent, i would want to know if my kids were sexually active. At the same time, if she hasnt told her parents, then maybe its because she cant trust them. Its a dilemma, i agree, one which is best approached by talking to your son and his girlfriend.
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#46 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 11:06 AM
 
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some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.
Then those parents should have built that relationship with their child.

In this situation, there's nothing to "protect" either teen from.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#47 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Because I think that crosses a line. Somewhere in your mind you must have known what 'might' be going on behind a closed door with loud music with 2 seventeen year olds in the room. And what you might see. That's all.
I didn't know she was over.
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#48 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 01:37 PM
 
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I wanted to add, that i cant think of anything more benign and innocent than two consenting 17 year olds who have been in a relationship for 4 years, having sex. I dont see it as a red flag in anyway. Im not even sue why the subject of telling the parents came up.
Because in the first post, OP said she hadn't decided whether to tell the girl's parents or not.
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#49 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 02:27 PM
 
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By asking that, i meant, why the subject even came up in the OP's mind...
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#50 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 02:55 PM
 
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By asking that, i meant, why the subject even came up in the OP's mind...
Oh, I see. Ha! Sorry, I thought you meant how it came up for discussion in the thread.
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#51 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 03:21 PM
 
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But you must acknowledge that not everyone agrees with you and that some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.
Sure! I'll agree that not everyone agrees with me if YOU agree that those that disagree with you "actually care" and want to protect their children too.

That's perfectly fair.

Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 13.
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#52 of 186 Old 08-17-2014, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They both have relatively good steady jobs and both responsible.
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#53 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 12:07 AM
 
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They both have relatively good steady jobs and both responsible.
They sound very responsible, and they are heading to college.

Good for you for raising a responsible son who is capable of solid relationship with a nice young woman.

I'm sure it came as a shock, but I think it is normal for many teens/young adults to keep these things private from their parents.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#54 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 08:44 AM
 
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My oldest is only 9, but this thread has made me think about how, as a mother, i can best ensure his interests are taken care of when he becomes sexually active. Respecting privacy and autonomy are only the first part of the equation. I will *want* to know if he is happy, practising safe sex, being used/manipulated, or in a healthy loving relationship. I want to be in a position where i can advise, and without knowing all the details, that everything is ok for him.

This is a difficult balancing act for a parent to achieve (yet more challenges ahead i see. This job is so very challenging!!!)
I hope that as we speak i am mothering in a way that builds trust, because that is the only way i see both his needs for autonomy and mine for being an effective parent, are met.

Looking back, i would have felt very embarassed talking to my own parents about my sex life. I wonder if that was how i was raised (cultural), and whether it is possible to be open about sex with one's parents?

As it is, we talk openly about the body, using correct terminology have books about reproduction lying around (which my 9yo has read voraciously)

I dont mean to highjack the thread, but see this as relevant insofar as it speaks to the 'prevention' versus the 'cure' aspect of the dilemma.
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#55 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Overheard them talking last night she is almost two weeks late.
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#56 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 01:13 PM
 
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Overheard them talking last night she is almost two weeks late.
Hmm. Are you going to confront them?

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#57 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 01:35 PM
 
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Sure! I'll agree that not everyone agrees with me if YOU agree that those that disagree with you "actually care" and want to protect their children too.

That's perfectly fair.
I don't have a problem with that. Parents show they care in different ways, don't they?
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#58 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmm. Are you going to confront them?
Talk to my Son when i get home.
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#59 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 06:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So she might be pregnant well Oh boy.
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#60 of 186 Old 08-18-2014, 07:24 PM
 
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If she is two weeks late, a pregnancy test should be accurate at this point. They need to know exactly what they are dealing with. Buy them a test. If it is positive, discuss all the options. If it is negative, this is a good time to emphasize that they need to use at least two reliable methods of birth control.

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