What would you do about this? Walked in on Son with his GF.... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 185 Old 08-18-2014, 07:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well it was positive.
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#62 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 03:21 AM
 
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I hope you will have open dialogue with both of them, not just your son.

If her parents are going to flip out and she ends up on your doorstep looking for a home, you need to be aware.

This is no longer a privacy issue, it's a family issue and they need an adult to discuss things with to help them figure out the best path for them.

Good luck.
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#63 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 04:32 AM
 
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First of all I am shocked that it never occurred to you that your son could be sexually active. Esp. Being in a committed relationship for 4 years.

But I don't fault you for that. I can see that being a personal issue.

The thing is I see this as a whole other issue. I think you have to define what supervision means. I would figure it out for urself and then talk to both your son and daughter and make sure you are on the right page. In our neighborhood by ur dd's age there are a couple of latch key kids with neighbors around them if they need help.

I personally would have an issue with blaring music and closed door and supervision in ur situation.

Plus do you think its fair for ur son to be spending all his afternoon and early evening watching his little SIS. If he were to go out he would do that after 5 -7 pm? When does he hang out with his buddies and gf..

In a year or two he'll be gone.

I think you have a lot to think about and figure out. Unless your dd has some issues all ur son is a warm body - a warm reassuring presence in the household.

It is mighty nice he helps out. He sounds like a wonderful and responsible young man, but with teen hormones.

In my personal book he has done no wrong, except perhaps not locking his door.

Going by what I heard ten year talk on the play field it won't surprise me of what your dd knows. At that age dd knew she needed to give her dad and new gf some slack.

I would also talk to your dd too if u haven't already done so esp if u started your periods early. Dd had kids start in 4 th grade.
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#64 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 09:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have an open dialog with both she was in tears last night and actually surprised how well my son did in trying to comfort her.
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#65 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Going to dinner with my son and his girlfriend and her parents to talk everything through.
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#66 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They are going to keep it and Everyone is going to help out.
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#67 of 185 Old 08-19-2014, 09:09 PM
 
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Unfortunately teens (many times even adults) are not the most responsible in regards to always using birth control properly. I know because I was a teen that got pregnant. I was in a "committed" relationship of two years, but once he found out I was pregnant, I was kicked to the curb. I am glad that things seem to be going better for this scenario. But I know from my experience that I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active. I know our sex drives are natural parts of our lives, but I do think that too many times, it ends badly (unplanned pregnancy, STDs, heartache and so forth). I know for me that was the worst time of my life and the one thing that I truly wish I could change in my past (not having the child...but WHEN it happened). I don't want my kids to go through that. Also, people have seemed to focus on birth control, but not as much on STDs. I had a close friend that got an STD. She thought she was covering the bases by sleeping with only the one guy....but little did you she know that he had gotten it before being with her. It was a very hard time for her. Too many times, teens (and even adults) don't think about STDs, but only preventing pregnancy. And in both instances, many times preventative measures are not properly taken. Little do people know how much these decisions can change their life. I had huge plans for my life that were pretty much shattered the moment the test came back positive. I thankfully finished high school (but it was hard) and college ended up not working out, as I couldn't always have a sitter and sometimes had to take my child with me to class. Taking finals while trying to keep a baby quiet is not easy. So I ended up quitting and have never gone back even though I have really wanted to. I think avoiding sex as a teen (or possibly even young adult...if not ready for the possible outcome) is very important. I know most of you wouldn't agree with me, but I am speaking from the other side of the equation.....as someone that has had their life turned upside down by their decisions. I wasn't sexually active with a lot of people as a teen (only 2), but I did start being sexually active at a very young age (barely 15) but then stopped until the latter part of the two year relationship....which ended in MAJOR heartache. Thankfully my story ends good as the guy and I eventually got back together and now have been married for going on 13 years and now have 5 other kids. But let me just say it was a VERY hard road. It is a road that I want my kids to avoid at all costs. I don't care if I look like the over protective mother or the uncool mom, I don't want my kids going through what I did. I don't care if I have to violate privacy....if they live in the house I pay for, then there will be rules and they will be enforced. My parents didn't enforce anything when I was growing up. They would have rules, but I would break them without even a blink of an eye and they wouldn't do a thing about it. Case and point- my curfew as an older teen was midnight. But I would constantly be coming in at 2 am. They knew about it, but never did anything about it.....so I kept doing it. And of course while I was out....I was literally DOING IT. I know people talk about giving their kids privacy ....but honestly, I think that many times that is just hurting things more. If I had less privacy, I am sure the outcome would have been different. As I said previously, I am sure most of you wont agree with me and that is fine. But coming from a person that in retrospect wishes that her parents would have enforced rules, I plan to be very strict on such things when the time comes.
Don't bother arguing with me or saying why you think I am wrong or how I am going to ruin my kids.....because all of that is not going to change my decision and in reality would just make us all argue. So feel free to keep your opposing opinions to yourself
To the OP, I hope the scenario continues to pan out well for you and your family. =)
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#68 of 185 Old 08-20-2014, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My son is fully committed to his girlfriend now more then ever. And has even gotten really protective of her. I doubt he is going to kick her to the curb.
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#69 of 185 Old 08-20-2014, 10:44 AM
 
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Thumbs up it's time to reframe your image of your little boy

Dear Kels,
Congratulations, you are going to be a Grandma! I truly mean that, and I have been where you are today!
I cried when a colleage said this to me for the first time, and she had been down this rocky path before either of us.

My darling 'Baby Grand' is soon to be 21 and will graduate from University in January. Like you, I was shocked to discover my son, a 'Minor Niner' was having sex, I simply couldn't imagine it foolish me!

I want you to know that with your love and support this will work out. Babies are a gift that bring their own love with them. I say this as a strong pro-choice advocate and birth doula. It will not be easy but it can be done. Having read everyone's comments I want you to know that the hardest moments are yet to come. The key to the next few years is respect and trust. It will be hard. It will be hard to let them be parents, it will be hard not assume you know better than them, and it will be hard to let them struggle and make there own decisions and trust that they can do this. It is really hard to see the condemnation and judgement other people will cast their way when you can see that these young people are doing their very best. It is hard to trust yourself and know that you have taught him well and because of that you can and should let him be the father he will be. My doing this you will show your confidence in the man he is and allow him to grow in his role.

Our kids continued to live apart each with their parents. Our son took his son over night on alternating nights from the 8th day. He firmly told me the child was his son and to back off ( in nicer terms) He diapered, fed and bathed the Grand and returned him in the morning. He studied on alternate nights and got a weekend job. He graduated on time with excellent grades. In the year that the child was born I went to a parent teacher conference and had a teacher say "I don't know what has turned the page for **** but he has really settled down and focused." I believe it was a fishing expedition as our Grandson's mother was also a student at the school but the tale was not mine to tell, and I said nothing. Our Grandson's mother was out of school for 3 months but made up the time and graduated with her class. Both mother and father went on to university and got their degrees. They were together for 5 years but separated. That said there are many marriages that don't last that long and they were just 16 and 17 when our Grand was born and very different in their personalities and aspirations. The Grand continued to shuttle back and forth in the beginning alternate nights and then 4 days /3 days and 3 days/4 days as his parents schedules dictated and they negotiated. I have to say there were times when I needed a thicker skin from seemingly well meaning people who offered their opinions and voiced their concerns but I have to tell you it worked out for our family and it can work out for yours. I wish your son every success and the very best. There is untold magic in being a Grandparent, look forward to it with joy )
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#70 of 185 Old 08-20-2014, 11:51 AM
 
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Following the discussion. Kudos to the OP for her handling of the situation--even the grounding was not so far off base since it was followed by a good discussion. Not so sure I would have handled it better in the moment myself.

BlessedOne, thank you for speaking from your experience. I wonder what the road would have looked like with more postpartum support from family and friends alike? I also bristle when the sex protection focuses solely on pregnancy. Honestly, I am more immediately concerned with STDs!

I don't think that "babies are a gift". Babies are wonderful and one of the hardest responsibilities to take on. I would not wish this "gift" on anyone. But, having said that, I don't think they should be like a death knell and treated by family as somberly as we would a funeral. I'm not faced with that as a prospective grandmother yet, and I always would wish that motherhood was taken on more intentionally if at all possible. However, I'd like to think that I could work with it as just another (really, really big) challenge for my daughter and her partner and for us as grandparents.
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#71 of 185 Old 08-20-2014, 02:15 PM
 
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Blessed One wrote:
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I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active.
I think what you mean is, "I will strongly discourage my kids as teens from becoming sexually active, and if I find out that they have, there will be dire consequences." It isn't something you can absolutely prevent. But I completely understand why you want to, and I think it's an acceptable position for parents to take.

Kels08, I'm so glad to hear that all family members are pulling together to get ready for this big change in your lives! What a coincidence that you found out your son was sexually active such a short time before finding out about the pregnancy! I hope that having the chance to adjust to one idea at a time was helpful for you. This is going to be stressful in any case, but it sounds like it's going about as well as it can.

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#72 of 185 Old 08-20-2014, 08:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They want to move in together after graduation.
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#73 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 05:55 AM
 
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I am a Single mom have been for a few years well i have two kids a 17 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. Well my son has been with his girlfriend for the better part of 4 years a long time for teenagers and proud of the both of them. Well during the summer and school year i have always trusted my son to watch his little sister. Because i tend to work till about 5-7Pm give or take. Well the other night while he was supposed to be watching his sister i got home earlier then i thought and my daughter was watching TV which is pretty normal so i went upstairs to find my son and walked in on him and his girlfriend having sex. I am not entirely sure what to do about this i have been thinking about telling her parents i haven't talked to my son yet about it yet either, other then grounding him for a while until i deal with this. What should i do? Any advice is welcome.
I'm not sure what I would do about this. My son is only 3 so I guess I haven't given it a lot of thought. Definitely grounding, and I would most certainly tell her parents. Not only should he not be having sex, but he should be watching his sister and that is showing a lack of responsibility. I would probably take away anything that you think requires responsibility to own, such as a cell phone or, if he drives, his keys. Make sure he knows he won't get them back unless he can prove that he can be responsible. Whatever he does in his own home when he is old enough to get his own place is his business, but as long as he is under your roof, he will follow your rules. I would also not allow the girlfriend over at the house unless you are home and can supervise the two of them together, and I would coordinate with her parents to try and make the same rule at their house. Of course you can't control what other parents do but there's no harm in trying. I think it's a reasonable request.
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#74 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 06:03 AM
 
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Unfortunately teens (many times even adults) are not the most responsible in regards to always using birth control properly. I know because I was a teen that got pregnant. I was in a "committed" relationship of two years, but once he found out I was pregnant, I was kicked to the curb. I am glad that things seem to be going better for this scenario. But I know from my experience that I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active. I know our sex drives are natural parts of our lives, but I do think that too many times, it ends badly (unplanned pregnancy, STDs, heartache and so forth). I know for me that was the worst time of my life and the one thing that I truly wish I could change in my past (not having the child...but WHEN it happened). I don't want my kids to go through that. Also, people have seemed to focus on birth control, but not as much on STDs. I had a close friend that got an STD. She thought she was covering the bases by sleeping with only the one guy....but little did you she know that he had gotten it before being with her. It was a very hard time for her. Too many times, teens (and even adults) don't think about STDs, but only preventing pregnancy. And in both instances, many times preventative measures are not properly taken. Little do people know how much these decisions can change their life. I had huge plans for my life that were pretty much shattered the moment the test came back positive. I thankfully finished high school (but it was hard) and college ended up not working out, as I couldn't always have a sitter and sometimes had to take my child with me to class. Taking finals while trying to keep a baby quiet is not easy. So I ended up quitting and have never gone back even though I have really wanted to. I think avoiding sex as a teen (or possibly even young adult...if not ready for the possible outcome) is very important. I know most of you wouldn't agree with me, but I am speaking from the other side of the equation.....as someone that has had their life turned upside down by their decisions. I wasn't sexually active with a lot of people as a teen (only 2), but I did start being sexually active at a very young age (barely 15) but then stopped until the latter part of the two year relationship....which ended in MAJOR heartache. Thankfully my story ends good as the guy and I eventually got back together and now have been married for going on 13 years and now have 5 other kids. But let me just say it was a VERY hard road. It is a road that I want my kids to avoid at all costs. I don't care if I look like the over protective mother or the uncool mom, I don't want my kids going through what I did. I don't care if I have to violate privacy....if they live in the house I pay for, then there will be rules and they will be enforced. My parents didn't enforce anything when I was growing up. They would have rules, but I would break them without even a blink of an eye and they wouldn't do a thing about it. Case and point- my curfew as an older teen was midnight. But I would constantly be coming in at 2 am. They knew about it, but never did anything about it.....so I kept doing it. And of course while I was out....I was literally DOING IT. I know people talk about giving their kids privacy ....but honestly, I think that many times that is just hurting things more. If I had less privacy, I am sure the outcome would have been different. As I said previously, I am sure most of you wont agree with me and that is fine. But coming from a person that in retrospect wishes that her parents would have enforced rules, I plan to be very strict on such things when the time comes.
Don't bother arguing with me or saying why you think I am wrong or how I am going to ruin my kids.....because all of that is not going to change my decision and in reality would just make us all argue. So feel free to keep your opposing opinions to yourself
To the OP, I hope the scenario continues to pan out well for you and your family. =)
BlessedOne, I think it was awesome of you to speak out and share your own experiences with teen pregnancy. I'm glad it's worked out for you, but you are right it doesn't always go that way. I had a friend that got pregnant in high school and had to put the baby up for adoption. She actually did an open adoption so she still saw her, but in Texas that's not legally recognized so if the adoptive parents had withdrawn her visitation, there's nothing she could've done. Fortunately they were very cooperative. I met another girl on the bus once that was pregnant and about to burst at 15. The guy did nothing, but her mom thankfully was extremely supportive and willing to help her raise her child. Kids make mistakes sometimes, and what annoys me to no end is parents that don't support them. Sure chastise them, ground them, give whatever discipline is fair, but don't punish them forever, and don't punish the child who did nothing at all. That's the way I see it.
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#75 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 12:00 PM
 
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My son is fully committed to his girlfriend now more then ever. And has even gotten really protective of her. I doubt he is going to kick her to the curb.
I never said he would. I was saying that is one of the main reasons why I don't plan to allow my kids to be sexually active before marriage.
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#76 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 12:10 PM
 
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[QUOTE=EnviroBecca;17938305]Blessed One wrote think what you mean is, "I will strongly discourage my kids as teens from becoming sexually active, and if I find out that they have, there will be dire consequences." It isn't something you can absolutely prevent. But I completely understand why you want to, and I think it's an acceptable position for parents to take.
QUOTE]
I understand what you are saying, but I think the biggest way to prevent such things are to not allow for things that put them in a scenario where sex would likely happen. For instance, I don't plan to allow my kids to go on dates by themselves. They can group date with trusted friends or family but alone time with their boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't be allowed. I know that sounds over bearing and drastic and many of you cringe at that idea. But that is how I plan to do things. I know I personally wasn't doing anything overly sexual unless in comforts of privacy. One of the biggest issues in my situation was that the guy I was with, had his "own place". His parents owned a little guest house and that is where he lived (although some of the time he did live with his parents)....but we didn't have sex in his parents house or my parents house. I know most teens do not have that luxury, but I think that sometimes too much privacy is a bad thing. But to each their own
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#77 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 12:32 PM
 
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Yes, I know that many times the scenario doesn't end up good with teen pregnancy. I personally know 5 other people that had teen pregnancies. Out of the five only 1 finished school. I had one friend who got pregnant at 17 (the one that finished school) and had an abortion. She is still very emotionally scarred and that was 15 years ago. My other friend got pregnant at 16. The guy and her married (they actually intentionally got pregnant because they knew that was the only way they would be allowed to marry). Shortly into the marriage, she realized the guy wasn't "a keeper". The guy had moved her several states away from her family and then left her. When she finally made it back home to family, she continually was concerned that he would show up and steal her child (he kept threatening to). He wouldn't sign off on divorce papers and she wasn't able to marry her new husband until after her x ended up committing suicide. It was a very bad ordeal and of course a child was being drug through the whole situation. All of the other situations ended badly except one. With that one, although she didn't finish school the guy and her got married and are still together today.

To the Op- I am really glad that both families are coming together to help your son, his girlfriend and your grandchild.
Btw CONGRATS GRANDMA!
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#78 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I never said he would. I was saying that is one of the main reasons why I don't plan to allow my kids to be sexually active before marriage.
Can't really allow or control that part of your kids.
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#79 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They have become nearly inseparable now.
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#80 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 02:36 PM
 
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I understand what you are saying, but I think the biggest way to prevent such things are to not allow for things that put them in a scenario where sex would likely happen. For instance, I don't plan to allow my kids to go on dates by themselves. They can group date with trusted friends or family but alone time with their boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't be allowed.

You have a lot in common with my mother. She was also a teen mother, and she was also committed to making sure that my sister and I did not have sex. My parents were against all dating. (Which is what my father beat up for, BTW, not sex).

My sister has serious mental health issue and is sexually dysfunctional.

I left home at 18 and didn't speak to my parents for years. We have a very distant relationship now.

One of the many things I learned from their approach is that I ruined their lives, and that the state of my vagina was more important to them than anything else going on with me.

I still have trouble accepting that my DH, who I've been with for 20 years, loves me unconditionally because my parent never did. They never wanted me, they made it clear that I ruined their lives, and they made what little positive feedback I got from them very conditional.

So I do things very differently with my own kids.

I believe that having a baby before one is truly ready makes life different than it would have been, and more difficult. But a new human being is completely incapable of RUINING anyone's live. Our lives are what we make them and how we face the challenges that come our way. Difficulties can bring out the best in people.

I focus on teaching my kids to make their choices on what they feel will serve them best in the long run, and accepting responsibility for their decisions. I'm not trying to control them, I'm trying to teach them how to be competent adults.

BTW, I think it sounds like the OPer raised her son to be a good man, to be caring and responsible.
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#81 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 02:57 PM
 
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Kels08 wow. what a lot of emotions you've had to go through quickly.

how are you feeling? freaked out or getting excited about a grandbaby. how is your dd taking all these latest news?

a baby is a baby. so congratulations. it will be wonderful to see your son as a dad.

BlessedOne - marriage, or getting together is all a lottery. we have perfect examples on our board itself. some older mama's have been together with their college sweethearts as teen parents. some have not. others had children when young. they were able to fight all odds and survive. and some had to give baby up for adoption.

so what i am saying - there is this inherent idea that teen pregnancy is bad. it so differs from family to family. having a child at any age is hard. having a child as a single mom at any age is hard. i feel sometimes its actually easier to have a child in your teens IF you have an extended family, because with a high school near by with a high rate of young parents i see the whole family pooling in.

with support at any age - parenting is not such an arduous task. without help at any age its hard. throw in some poverty into that and that's a whole new other thing.

i have had family members who had babies in high school. yes life was tough, it was hard but they managed and today as those kids go to college their parents wouldnt do it any other way. none of the kids went to college but they eek out a pretty good life.

i wonder if those whose life was messed up - if they were already heading that way? would a baby have changed that much?

in some cultures here by high school some of the girls have decided they want to settle down and have kids.

if the pregnant mother already has parents who went to college, her chances of going to college and being able to finish it are higher than parents who didnt go to college. however the % of kids finishing college is dismal.

which is why i have told my dd i hope she does not get pregnant, but if she does i will be there fully to support her.

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#82 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 02:57 PM
 
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BTW, I think it sounds like the OPer raised her son to be a good man, to be caring and responsible.
I don't this deserves a "BTW", I think this should be the central focus of this thread. This young man is stepping up to this challenge, both emotionally and physically. What an excellent outcome to an extremely difficult situation. Hopefully he will continue to have the support of both his families. He and his girlfriend will need it.
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In regards to control- sure I can not control my kids, however along with proper guidance, I can limit the probability of such things occurring. I understand everyone has different thoughts on it and that is fine.

In regards to the "ruined life" statement- It is sad that a parent would say such things to their child. My daughter didn't even find out that she was conceived before her dad and I got married, until maybe a month ago. I didn't find the need to tell her as it is irrelevant to her. The only reason she found out was that I told her one of my passcodes, which happened to be my anniversary. I told her that she could easily remember it because it was my anniversary. She then put two and two together that the dates didn't line up and that she was conceived before her dad and I got married. =S
To my knowledge, I never said my life was ruined. I might have said that my plans were ruined...but definitely not my life. Yes, for a season my life was terribly hard......even with support from my parents. As soon as my parents found out, they supported me in every way that they could have.......but that doesn't fix the fact that I felt abandoned by the father of the child (who had prior to getting pregnant swore he would NEVER do such a thing). Unfortunately my parents were not new to the whole teen pregnancy concept. My oldest brother had gotten his 15 year old girl friend pregnant years earlier. My parents provided them with housing and everything they needed until their relationship ended. Even after that they continued to support my brother and his children......even until this day they house my brother and his two kids who are now teenagers themselves.

Also, yes I think it is great that your young man is being so responsible in this situation
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#84 of 185 Old 08-21-2014, 06:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Think i will start letting them sleep over wherever she can't get anymore pregnant.
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#85 of 185 Old 08-22-2014, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sons giving up baseball and football to get more hours at work
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#86 of 185 Old 08-22-2014, 08:09 PM
 
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Good for him. Glad you're letting her stay as much as possible. Let him support her as much as he can. Let him feel the pain and sacrifices of the pregnancy. The baby will be that much more precious because of it. Congrats Grandma.
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#87 of 185 Old 08-22-2014, 08:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks her parents are out on business this weekend so she is staying here this weekend. I am honestly amazed they never fight they just are so perfect it blows my mind. Son was offered a scholarship for baseball I guess he is going to lose it now.
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#88 of 185 Old 08-23-2014, 06:26 AM
 
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Is it the college local? I would strongly encourage him to continue with the scholarship in that case, if he can secure help from you and her parents. What arrangements can be made to house the two of them so he can go to college, and they don't have to worry about rent?
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#89 of 185 Old 08-23-2014, 11:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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College is about five hours away.
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#90 of 185 Old 08-23-2014, 12:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post
Is it the college local? I would strongly encourage him to continue with the scholarship in that case, if he can secure help from you and her parents. What arrangements can be made to house the two of them so he can go to college, and they don't have to worry about rent?
I agree if the school is local, he should continue his schooling. And hopefully he picked a major that will lead to a decent paying job after graduation.

And if the grandparents can swing supporting them and the baby for the next few years, then send her to school too. The best you can do for your grand baby is help it's parents to be successful. Nurses are in high demand, pay well, and only a 2 year program. It will pay enough for them to get on their own and be self supporting quickly.
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