What would you do about this? Walked in on Son with his GF.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What would you do about this? Walked in on Son with his GF....

I am a Single mom have been for a few years well i have two kids a 17 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. Well my son has been with his girlfriend for the better part of 4 years a long time for teenagers and proud of the both of them. Well during the summer and school year i have always trusted my son to watch his little sister. Because i tend to work till about 5-7Pm give or take. Well the other night while he was supposed to be watching his sister i got home earlier then i thought and my daughter was watching TV which is pretty normal so i went upstairs to find my son and walked in on him and his girlfriend having sex. I am not entirely sure what to do about this i have been thinking about telling her parents i haven't talked to my son yet about it yet either, other then grounding him for a while until i deal with this. What should i do? Any advice is welcome.
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#2 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 06:50 PM
 
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What is the issue for you? That they were having sex or that he was supposed to be supervising his little sister?

If it the former, I don't think there is much you can do. If you haven't already, have a conversation about safe sex and any ground rules you want to set about doing it in your house.

If the problem is that he was not adequately supervising his sister or that she may have inadvertently witnessed them together, as you did, then spell out your expectations for that.

I personally don't think grounding is a useful disciplinary tool so it isn't how I would respond.
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#3 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 07:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well i can't really spank him i don't believe in that. I just don't think he was watching her well enough and that she might have walked in on it.
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#4 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 07:38 PM
 
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10yos don't really require super-close supervision. You were fine with her watching television by herself until you realized that he was having sex. If he had been doing homework and she had been watching television, would you have been so upset?

That said, it is fair for you to set limits on what you will allow in your house. If you haven't set such limits, though, perhaps it's not fair to ground him.

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#5 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Probably not i suppose just hard thinking of your son being sexually active.
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#6 of 184 Old 08-11-2014, 07:51 PM
 
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Probably not i suppose just hard thinking of your son being sexually active.
It's time for a long talk about safer sex, birth control, and house rules.

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#7 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 12:32 AM
 
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Well i can't really spank him i don't believe in that. I just don't think he was watching her well enough and that she might have walked in on it.
I agree :-) I should have clarified that i didn't think punishment was warranted at all.

I agree that it is hard to think of our children as sexual beings but that is our own issue to work through. As chickabiddy said, a chat about expectations and safe sex is your role here I think :-)
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#8 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 03:25 AM
 
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When you do have that discussion, have the GF present. She has been around your family plenty long enough to get lectured when the time comes. And you need to have a frank discussion with both of them about birth control etc.
Speak with her before you speak to her parents. Her parents may or may not be comfortable with the idea of her having sex with your son, especially if there is an age difference.
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#9 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 08:09 AM
 
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I completely disagree with telling her parents or with speaking with her directly. She's about the same age I was the last time my father gave me a black eye. You could be putting her in danger.

Second, talk to your son and find it what he is doing to be responsible in this situation. He may be using birth control. He may not need a lecture.

Third, get a lock for his room.

If you wouldn't have been upset about your younger DD being down stairs by herself watching TV, then I wouldn't make a big issue of it.

And again, I feel strongly that it is NOT your role to talk to the girls parents because you have no control over what they do with that information. The goal should be to build a more honest, adult relationship with your son, and to make sure he understands the importance of protecting himself and his partner.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#10 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 09:24 AM
 
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Stay rational. Sex within a long term relationship isn't the worst thing your son could be doing. I would try not to over-react on that aspect. Just double check that they are being safe (every time with two forms of birth control is optimal) and reiterate and ground rules you've previously set with him in regards to your home and what is acceptable around the younger child.

If you've never set these ground rules, it's good to have a discussion on what is fair for the whole household.
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#11 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 12:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They are both the same age. I had a talk with him this morning and i un-grounded him. He also said she is on BC.
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#12 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 01:46 PM
 
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You might have a conversation with him about how using condemns protects HIM from STDs, and is also his best bet for not becoming a father before he wants to. With anything else, he is counting on his partner to remember to use birth control correctly.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#13 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 02:17 PM
 
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One form of BC is enough when you are married, prefer to hold off on children but wouldn't be totally devastated with an unexpected pregnancy. When you are 17, the most fertile you'll be in your whole life, living at home with not even a high school diploma... two forms are best. They should be using her BC AND a condom. You can't force them but he should know that you aren't prepared to raise grandchildren and what HIS responsibilities will be should her BC fail.
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#14 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 06:14 PM
 
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Don't talk to her parents. She is almost an adult - it is crossing a boundary.

I would buy him a box of condoms and leave it in his room.

I would definitely try and work it into the conversation that 2 forms of birth control are best - and that condoms are something he can control so he does not end up with an std or a pregnant girlfriend.

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#15 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 06:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They are both planning on attending the same college when they both graduate after this school year. And i haven't talked to her parents but from my understanding they knew before me because they have been active apparently for a little while. I guess my baby boy can't stay my baby forever. I gave him some money to go buy some condoms and i hope it is truly enough.
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#16 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 07:05 PM
 
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I think you are doing really well. It was a big shock, but you are getting through it. Good for you!
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but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#17 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 07:22 PM
 
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I think you are doing really well. It was a big shock, but you are getting through it. Good for you!
I agree.
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#18 of 184 Old 08-12-2014, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I suppose I mean I was kidding myself thinking he wasn't active with her since they have been together so long plus after this year they will be four hours away at college just hoping they make good choices.
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#19 of 184 Old 08-13-2014, 04:09 AM
 
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I would discuss with the girl.

She has a huge influence of your sons future and whether or not you have a grandchild. I would speak with her just as openly as your son. She needs to hear the house rules from from you. Sometimes teens don't pass the message along the way you intended. She also needs to understand why two forms are important.

The girl has been part of your family for four years, and it sounds like a few more when they head off to college. She is having sex with your son in your house. I think the goal of an open discussion should be with her as well.

No- I wouldn't go to her parents- but I would treat her as an adult and have these conversations directly with her and your son.
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#20 of 184 Old 08-13-2014, 11:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't had a chance to talk with her probably will talk to her on friday.
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#21 of 184 Old 08-13-2014, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Son wants to go on a cruise with them over thanksgiving break her parents asked him apparently why am I always last to be let in on things.
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#22 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 10:25 AM
 
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About supervising the little sister: I think there is a difference between doing homework in his room and having sex in his room, in terms of how well he was keeping an eye on her and how available he was if she needed him. My son is 9 1/2 (about the age of your daughter) and there have been very few times we, his parents, have had sex while he was awake in another room, whereas we would not hesitate to do desk work in another room while he's watching TV. Sex is more distracting and more private, so we save it for times when the kids are asleep or not around. You might want to discuss this idea with your son. But of course you have to think about what are the alternative times/places they could have sex....

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#23 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 01:24 PM
 
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First, if they have been together for 4 years, they most likely have a grip on the situation. Its hardly surprising they are sexually active. I have to admit, that seeing it with your own eyes is another matter, but thats why sex is private. You could have 'the talk' if you feel its necessary, but i assume you have had that already if they have been together for so long.

Second, your daughter is 10, and doesnt require that much supervision. You may need to get clarification on how to make sure the daughter doesnt walk in on them like you did. Knocking on the door helps. A person should always knock on bedroom and bathroom doors before entering. There also needs to be clarification on what happens in an emergency if the couple are otherwise engaged. But i think that applies to any kind of activity, such as having a shower.

Those are my thoughts.

I agree with all the missmuffet said as well...
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#24 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 07:21 PM
 
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I think it is fair to place limits on whether you want them to be having sex in your home when babysitting is supposed to be going on. The two issues are somewhat separate. Set some ground rules about your expectations when you are not at home and also what your expectations of babysitting are.
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#25 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told them it needs to not happen while he is supposed to be keeping an eye on his sister.
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#26 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 09:21 PM
 
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I remember awhile ago there was a thread about whether or not it's okay for parents to be uncomfortable with another childs' parents having sex while their kid is sleeping over/otherwise under their supervision. Different people have different levels/boundaries/etc and that should be respected.

I intend that, by the time my kids are sexually active they'll be well familiar with sex, the consequences of it, etc. My issue wouldn't've been the sex (beyond hte obvious squick that no one wants to see their kids doing that seriously)- but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.

I'm assuming that the OP wasn't sneaking up on her son and probably made a fair amount of noise coming in, greeting the kids, etc- her son should have heard that and most teenagers would stop at that point. If her son didn't hear his mom come into the house, that'd make me very concerned about what else he wouldn't've heard.
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#27 of 184 Old 08-15-2014, 10:56 PM
 
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but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.

I read somewhere that the most common time of day for teens to have sex is between 3 and 6, so there is nothing surprising to me in this.

10 year olds don't need much supervision. In some ways, they need less supervision than teens because they are much less likely to be up to something we disapprove of.

I think that telling him he can't have sex after school brings up a very uncomfortable topic -- when and where he can have sex. Otherwise, it is really is a conversation imploring him to be more careful and not get caught again.
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#28 of 184 Old 08-16-2014, 08:34 AM
 
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THere are other questions: when, where, when mom is home? Does the OP want them to be having sex in the bedroom while she's there? While she's there and the little sister is there? Out in the open watching a movie if no one is in the same room? There is a reason for limits and most of us "endured" these limits (and perhaps were even grateful for them later...) In our quest to be open minded we can't throw the baby out with the bath water....

 
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#29 of 184 Old 08-16-2014, 12:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I remember awhile ago there was a thread about whether or not it's okay for parents to be uncomfortable with another childs' parents having sex while their kid is sleeping over/otherwise under their supervision. Different people have different levels/boundaries/etc and that should be respected.

I intend that, by the time my kids are sexually active they'll be well familiar with sex, the consequences of it, etc. My issue wouldn't've been the sex (beyond hte obvious squick that no one wants to see their kids doing that seriously)- but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.

I'm assuming that the OP wasn't sneaking up on her son and probably made a fair amount of noise coming in, greeting the kids, etc- her son should have heard that and most teenagers would stop at that point. If her son didn't hear his mom come into the house, that'd make me very concerned about what else he wouldn't've heard.
We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.
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#30 of 184 Old 08-16-2014, 05:19 PM
 
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We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.
As a mom who's raised a daughter to adulthood, I have to say that absolutely yes, her parents needed to know. Thankfully, they know all ready (I wonder why they didn't talk to you!). I would have given her the chance to tell them, but if she was unwilling they still needed to know.

I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).
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