Pregnant teen daughter-due 10/3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-24-2014, 10:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Pregnant teen daughter-due 10/3

My daughter is 16, pregnant and due on Oct. 3. She is doing well so far, worked all summer, getting ready to go back to school. Her school system provides day care for students, including transportation, encourages breastfeeding, will allow her to pump at school. She had left her school for online school but didn't do well with that. She's very excited about the support she will have at school. But, her boyfriend, who has worked maybe 3 weeks since she got pregnant, and is not in school, wants to control things. He told her that he thought he was going to take care of the baby while she is in school. He has also said that he wants to be the only one in the delivery room. I want to be with her during labor and delivery to know that she and the baby are ok. She is still my child. He is manipulative, and definitely has some mental health issues that have not been treated. Lately, he has been very disrespectful toward me, and I have had to limit how much he comes over. I really don't know how things will play out. At this point, I know that she won't take off with him and the baby. He doesn't even have a place to live. She knows she has it good here, even when she and her dad fight. And she wants a diploma, not a GED.
I am just so tired of dealing with this irrational boyfriend. He tries to pull her from her family and make us look like the bad guys.
I want nothing more than for her and her baby to be happy, healthy, and safe and for her to be able to succeed at whatever she wants in life.
I appreciate any insight, experiences, etc
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Old 08-24-2014, 11:52 AM
 
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I want nothing more than for her and her baby to be happy, healthy, and safe and for her to be able to succeed at whatever she wants in life.
Say that, over and over, and act on it.

Tell her that it's up to her who is in the delivery room. She and the baby are the only people entitled to be there. If she wants certain people in, she should have them. If she wants them out, hospital security will help. If she changes her mind midway, she should speak up. (She may or may not want you there. I've gotten a lot of support from my mom in medical settings, and I'm really glad she was there for me, but it sometimes felt infantilizing to bring her in, or say I wanted her brought in. So if your daughter says she'd prefer not to have you in the hospital room, be sensitive to that. The less you fuss about that choice in advance, the easier it will be for her to have you in the room.)

Point out that the baby needs care 24/7. Daycare at school is reliable, and will free up both parents during school hours. The baby's father will have plenty of opportunities to care for the baby when other care options aren't available, and if the baby is in daycare at school, your daughter won't ever be in the position of missing a class or a test because the baby's father got sick or had a job interview.
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Old 08-24-2014, 12:14 PM
 
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I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to your family. I have no experience in this regard, but I often think about 'what-if' my dd14 were in that situation as a teen. Obviously, I'd do whatever I could to make the best of the situation, and would want as many family members on her team as possible.

Having said that, how much do you know about the father of her child? How old is he, how long have they been together, does he have any family support, etc. regarding his mental issues, is this based on your observations, or do you have more information to confirm this? While he definitely has rights to his child, if he is legitimately unstable in any way, I'd be concerned about the well-being of your daughter and grandchild. I'm not saying all issues would deem someone incompetent, but you get what I mean.

Also, how in-love (in your estimation) is this couple? Is this her first serious bf? Are they staying together because she is pregnant? Does your daughter eat, sleep and breathe for this guy? Does she still have her own life (friends, hobbies, etc). I understand her life has changed drastically now, but what I'm trying to get at is, would she be able to break free of him in the event that things don't go well, and he becomes TOO controlling or possessive? Is your daughters father in her life? Or any other positive male role models, to perhaps add some insight to his personality/behavior?
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Old 08-24-2014, 12:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They have been dating for almost a year. His family wants to be involved in the baby's life and actually only live a few blocks from us. He and his family have a rocky relationship. They will not let him live with him unless he gets and keeps a job. When they first started dating he had "seizures" which were diagnosed as pseudo-seizures, basically psychiatric based. The dr recommended he see a mental Health professional but he never did. He seems to have anxiety when it comes to working, he gets physically ill when he starts a new job. Her friends have gotten on his case about not working and she got very defensive. She says she knows he is manipulative and that she does not let him manipulate her. She is a very smart girl. That is my fear. That she will get so caught up in him that she wouldn't be able to get out of the relationship. She says she will never put anyone else before her baby. I do have to say, she has stood her ground and spent very little money on him. She doesn't give him any of her money for food, although she probably shares her food with him sometimes. She and her dad have a lot of resentments toward each other because of how my husband has dealt with her being a rebellious teen. He kind of had this idea that if you parent them right, they will be good kids and not do stupid stuff like sneak out, smoke pot, sneak people into the house.... So he has responded with anger toward her because he feels that he is a failure as a parent. So she discounts most anything he has to say.
She hasn't said who she wants in the delivery room with her. She only said that this was what he wants. But her dr's office has always required me to go back with her also.
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Old 08-25-2014, 10:28 AM
 
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So if his parents only let him live with them if he has a job, does this mean that he's legally an adult and finished with high school? Also, where does he live when they kick him out because he's not working?


For example, where would he be taking care of the baby if he were quitting work in order to stay home, and his parents kicked him out because of not working (or would they let him continue living with them if he were talking care of the baby)? Or would he be working evenings so as to be available while your daughter was in school?


Actually, I have heard of some women with mental illnesses who were able to be very good stay-at-home moms, even though they couldn't handle the stress of a job. Even women with seizure problems who were good stay-at-home moms. So if your daughter feels okay about him caring for their baby on his own, then this seems like it could be a good thing.


I think it generally is best if a parent can be the one caring for a baby, because a parent is naturally more interested in his or her own child than in all the other babies in the world. I personally did a great job caring for babies when I was a daycare worker, and was very attentive and affectionate, but I can't claim to have loved each of those babies anywhere near how much I love my own. And I think babies deserve to spend most of their time in the care of the people who love them the most, whenever this is possible.


Do you think it's possible that the way he's acting towards you is related to a feeling, on his part, that you would rather he not be in the picture? I'm not saying that you actually feel this way -- just that he could be feeling like you and your husband would like to push him out, and therefore he's pushing "back" even before you may have done anything to make him feel unwanted.

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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