I have a 12 year old who will be 13 next month. He is on the autism spectrum, though he has come a long way from when he was a toddler. As a toddler, he was diagnosed by the school board with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, meaning "It's something, but we don't know what"). At the time I could have taken him across state lines to get diagnosed, but I didn't see the point in spending time and money to label him. Over the years he gets better, and at this point may or may not qualify as Aspergers. He has a speech impediment, motor difficulties, sometimes stims, and definitely does not understand social ques or norms.
So, anyway, he's very smart and determined. He was my only kid who climbed out of his crib at 15 months, climbed on the counters to get food at 2, and could unbabyproof anything that I had babyproofed. If he wants something, he will not stop to ask, and he will not consider the consequences, he just goes for it.
In recent years, all of his tenacity has been focused on the computer. We do not let him on the internet at all, because he will watch YouTube videos with bad language and possibly bad morals and then he will imitate that behavior without fully understanding it or why it isn't worth imitating. So internet was out a while ago. We tried some different programs to block certain sites and he found ways around those programs. In the past year, we have caught him stealing our flash drives (or borrowing from friends at school) to download games from the computers he uses at school with an internet connection to bring the games home to his computer. He was punished at home and threatened at school (that they would take away his computer breaks), so that was that. And just yesterday, we found him playing on his computer at a time that his computer isn't supposed to be active. His computer has set times that it will work based on a password, and somehow he overrode the password to get into the computer anyway. He says he just kept typing stuff, then enter, and eventually it let him in.
So, my husband is very mad that he won't follow the rules and took the computer out of his room forever and said that if he's good for 3 months, that he can have a game console that doesn't connect to the internet. I had a talk with my husband last night about whether he explained to my son why we have these rules. That they are for his own safety because we care about him. He says he has, but that it doesn't get through. One thing is that my son was mad at DH (his step father) about taking these things away, and said that things would be better if he was with his real father.
So then, I went to my son and had a talk with him about a few things. We talked about his father, how he is an addict who refuses to get help and was very abusive to us, and how my husband would never be that way to any of us. He even remembered things that I didn't, he remembers the abuse, he remembers everything. I also talked about how I was worried about him and that he is too young to understand how it can be dangerous to go on the internet at such a young age and not understand the difference between the good and bad things on there. That when you are older, you understand the difference and avoid the bad things. I know he heard what I was saying, and he answered my questions, but I still don't know that it changed anything in his mind about his feeling that he should be able to go anywhere and watch anything he wants.
So I guess this is my dilemma. Do I foster his thoroughness and focus? Do I let him go on the internet and see these things now or let him deal with it brand new as an adult when I no longer have control and he can do whatever he wants? Will that cause him problems as an adult? My main goal is for him to be able to hold a job and be independent. I don't want to screw him up and I have no idea what the right thing to do in order to get him to that place of independence would be. Part of it is his personality, part is his disability, and part of it is his age that he lacks empathy and understanding of how he affects others or even himself. Any opinions on this are welcome, I would like to know what other people think who are not so close to this situation.
So, anyway, he's very smart and determined. He was my only kid who climbed out of his crib at 15 months, climbed on the counters to get food at 2, and could unbabyproof anything that I had babyproofed. If he wants something, he will not stop to ask, and he will not consider the consequences, he just goes for it.
In recent years, all of his tenacity has been focused on the computer. We do not let him on the internet at all, because he will watch YouTube videos with bad language and possibly bad morals and then he will imitate that behavior without fully understanding it or why it isn't worth imitating. So internet was out a while ago. We tried some different programs to block certain sites and he found ways around those programs. In the past year, we have caught him stealing our flash drives (or borrowing from friends at school) to download games from the computers he uses at school with an internet connection to bring the games home to his computer. He was punished at home and threatened at school (that they would take away his computer breaks), so that was that. And just yesterday, we found him playing on his computer at a time that his computer isn't supposed to be active. His computer has set times that it will work based on a password, and somehow he overrode the password to get into the computer anyway. He says he just kept typing stuff, then enter, and eventually it let him in.
So, my husband is very mad that he won't follow the rules and took the computer out of his room forever and said that if he's good for 3 months, that he can have a game console that doesn't connect to the internet. I had a talk with my husband last night about whether he explained to my son why we have these rules. That they are for his own safety because we care about him. He says he has, but that it doesn't get through. One thing is that my son was mad at DH (his step father) about taking these things away, and said that things would be better if he was with his real father.
So then, I went to my son and had a talk with him about a few things. We talked about his father, how he is an addict who refuses to get help and was very abusive to us, and how my husband would never be that way to any of us. He even remembered things that I didn't, he remembers the abuse, he remembers everything. I also talked about how I was worried about him and that he is too young to understand how it can be dangerous to go on the internet at such a young age and not understand the difference between the good and bad things on there. That when you are older, you understand the difference and avoid the bad things. I know he heard what I was saying, and he answered my questions, but I still don't know that it changed anything in his mind about his feeling that he should be able to go anywhere and watch anything he wants.
So I guess this is my dilemma. Do I foster his thoroughness and focus? Do I let him go on the internet and see these things now or let him deal with it brand new as an adult when I no longer have control and he can do whatever he wants? Will that cause him problems as an adult? My main goal is for him to be able to hold a job and be independent. I don't want to screw him up and I have no idea what the right thing to do in order to get him to that place of independence would be. Part of it is his personality, part is his disability, and part of it is his age that he lacks empathy and understanding of how he affects others or even himself. Any opinions on this are welcome, I would like to know what other people think who are not so close to this situation.