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12 year old DS has not started puberty. His twin sister has.

20K views 47 replies 16 participants last post by  contactmaya 
#1 · (Edited)
My son turned 12 two months ago (he's currently in 7th grade) and just last Friday, I took him to the pediatrician for his yearly check-up.

When it came time for him to "drop trou" so she could "check the plumbing", I was honestly shocked to see that he still shows no sign of development (and just a heads up, this is about to get slightly TMI but I don't want to leave any detail out that might be important).

In addition to having no leg, underarm, facial, or chest hair (which I already knew he didn't have), he also does not have any pubic hair.

Size wise, he's about 5'1" and a little on the a chubby side, but not fat per-se.

His private parts are still the exact same size as when he was a baby. Obviously I don't have an exact measurement but if I had to guess I would say that his penis a little under 2 inches (excluding his overhanging foreskin, which still can't be retracted at all).

His voice is still a soprano and he doesn't really have any muscle or a visible Adam's apple.

The odd thing about this though, is that he's average height and his face doesn't look any younger than the other boys in his class. But, from what I've seen at the pool, most of the boys in his class have hairy armpits already.

How rare is it for boys his age to still not have started puberty yet? I understand he's still young enough that it isn't a serious problem, but I don't think it's "normal" per-se.

In addition, I noticed that DS got really red in the face when the pediatrician acknowledged that he "still hasn't started puberty" and even after she reassured him that he was normal, he still seems really insecure about it.

I feel like this insecurity not only stems from comparing himself to other boys, but also from his twin sister. She's 4 inches taller than him, has worn a bra for 3 years, has shaved her underarms and legs for a year and a half, and has had her period (as of last month). I still remember when she got her first razor, he asked if he could have one too.

He's already very competitive with her, so I have a feeling he's really embarrassed by this.

Is there anybody that's had any experience dealing with anything like this that has any advice they can give on this? Thanks.
 
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#2 ·
My 15 1/2-year-old DS has just hit puberty, at 12 he was nowhere close. He is still behind the majority of his friends at 5' 11" and 121 lbs. It is especially tough for him because he is a competitive soccer player and being a late bloomer is definitely a disadvantage. There really isn't much you can do except reassure him that he will catch up and that girls generally mature sooner than boys.
 
#3 ·
Did your son not start developing at all (even "down there") until he was 15 and a half? I feel like that's a long time to wait.

Also, I'm not sure if you would know this, but was he ever made fun of in the locker rooms or anything like that? Did it make him insecure?

Lastly, I feel like explicitly telling him that girls his age have all developed already will just make him feel worse.
 
#4 ·
I do not have a 12 year old (yet. Gosh, it's coming faster than I realise now that I think of it!) But I would again reassure him that girls typically mature faster than boys. No reason for him to feel insecure about it. That would be like being insecure because his sister will get breasts and he will not. It's just biology.

Unfortunately for your son, 12 is a rough age no matter what. So is 13. And 14. And 15. Growing up is hard, and no matter what we try to do about it, everyone matures at differing rates. Reassure him that he WILL catch up. It sucks right now, but one day he'll be just as hairy and stinky and gross as every other guy he knows. :p Puberty sucks hindquarters, but it happens to us all and it doesn't last forever.

There is a reason that puberty is defined as a RANGE of ages. We truly do all develop at differing rates. Some kids will be the unfortunate ones that develop early in that range, and some will be the unfortunate ones that develop late in that range. Give him a hug and ask him for patience with his body. It has a lot of work ahead of it, but it will come.
 
#5 ·
As I said before, I feel like explicitly telling him that girls his age have all developed already will just make him feel worse.
 
#6 ·
Well, here's the other thing - they haven't. Plenty of 12 year-old girls are looking in the mirror and wondering if they're going to be flat chested and hipless their whole entire lives.

People develop at different rates and different times. It's rough for him that he's not on the early end, and especially rough for him that he's not and his sister is. It's really impossible to predict exactly when puberty will hit. You can make guesses by looking at yourself and your parents, but there's no certainty. You just have to wait.

I hit puberty at 12.5-ish. My younger sister hit it six months later when she was 10. My twin sister hit puberty a year and a half later, at 14. I know plenty of guys who started high school five feet tall and started sophomore year as six footers. Or who suddenly filled out. I also know some guys whose full adult height was 5'3". These are all fine. And they do all eventually grow hair in all the places.
 
#11 ·
I don't know what she meant, but I am a little disturbed that you stood in the room while your son had an exam in the nude. It sounds like you were really surprised by what you saw, which says to me that it's not normal in your family for him to be naked in front of you. If that's the case, why did you stay? Let the kid have some privacy at the doctor if he usually wants privacy at home. (I don't think it's a problem for kids to be naked in front of their parents if both parties are comfortable with that, but it doesn't sound like that's what was going on here.)

Did you ask him whether it was OK for you to be there?

If the pediatrician didn't express any worries about his pace of development, I don't think you should either. It's not a race. If you look at the other kids in his class, there's probably a wide spectrum of development. Do you not remember this from being in seventh grade yourself?

You need to chill out about your kid's body. It's not a contest to look like an adult as fast as possible. I hope he couldn't tell how much you were judging his appearance. What a horrible thing that would be for him as he gradually moves into adulthood.

The best way to reclaim this moment for your parenting relationship is to check in with him about the privacy issue. If I were you and I had done this without requesting permission, I would apologize. My son is also 12 and also hasn't gone through puberty and also had a recent doctor's appointment. Though he did not disrobe for his appointment, I still asked him whether he wanted me to stay! If you did request permission and he said yes, maybe give him a book about puberty and development to open the conversation.
 
#13 ·
I don't know what she meant, but I am a little disturbed that you stood in the room while your son had an exam in the nude. It sounds like you were really surprised by what you saw, which says to me that it's not normal in your family for him to be naked in front of you. If that's the case, why did you stay? Let the kid have some privacy at the doctor if he usually wants privacy at home. (I don't think it's a problem for kids to be naked in front of their parents if both parties are comfortable with that, but it doesn't sound like that's what was going on here.)

Did you ask him whether it was OK for you to be there?

If the pediatrician didn't express any worries about his pace of development, I don't think you should either. It's not a race. If you look at the other kids in his class, there's probably a wide spectrum of development. Do you not remember this from being in seventh grade yourself?

You need to chill out about your kid's body. It's not a contest to look like an adult as fast as possible. I hope he couldn't tell how much you were judging his appearance. What a horrible thing that would be for him as he gradually moves into adulthood.

The best way to reclaim this moment for your parenting relationship is to check in with him about the privacy issue. If I were you and I had done this without requesting permission, I would apologize. My son is also 12 and also hasn't gone through puberty and also had a recent doctor's appointment. Though he did not disrobe for his appointment, I still asked him whether he wanted me to stay! If you did request permission and he said yes, maybe give him a book about puberty and development to open the conversation.
For starters, I wouldn't really call it an "exam in the nude". It was a yearly well child check-up. Does your son not get those? If not, here's what happens: She checks his eyes/ears/nose while he's fully dressed. Then she asks him to take off his shirt so she can check his chest/back. Then she asks him to take off his pants so she can check his legs/knees/reflexes. Then she pulls down his underwear, briefly feels each testicle, lightly tries to retract his foreskin, and pulls his underwear back up. He's literally naked for less than 30 seconds. He has had this exact same exam done every year.

Also, when the actual "exam" part of the check-up started, the pediatrician asked DS "Is it okay with you if your mom stays for this?" and he said it was fine. He knows that I'm his mother and I've seen it all before, especially since he is still prepubescent.

And lastly, I'm not "judging his appearance". I want to make sure he doesn't have any legitimate physical or hormonal problems that could lead to serious issues (mentally, physically, and socially).
 
#12 ·
Gosh, i knew plenty of boys who were nowhere near puberty at age 12. (ok, judging by their voices and height, not down there, as i never saw that ;-)
Both my brothers were not in puberty by then. And nor was I. No, girls do not typically go into puberty younger than boys. I think you are confusing that with the notion the girls typically mature emotionally faster than boys. So some girls have tits, but plenty of them dont. Just as plenty of boys are not in puberty yet by age 12.
Why do people expect kids to grow up so fast?

Relax. Your son is normal, albiet probably very embarassed.
 
#24 · (Edited)
No, girls do not typically go into puberty younger than boys.
On average they do, actually. About one to two years earlier, from start to finish. Early puberty is puberty that starts before 9 in boys, but that's considered within normal limits for girls; for them the definition of early puberty is before age 8. Growth spurts, changes in hair growth, breast/testicular growth, all those things are on average later in boys than girls. Here's a good overview.

My 12-year-old girl is living in the trough of this right now. She's been menstruating for more than a year and is physically pretty fully developed. Her interests and mindset have definitely matured and she is in many ways indistinguishable from her 14 and 15-year-old friends. And yet, as she sighs repeatedly "Twelve-year-old boys, omg ... when are they going to start growing up? They're such little kids still."

Miranda
 
#14 ·
Yes, I just took my son for a well-child check up. The doctor did check his reflexes, but did not check to see whether his testicles had descended. My own pediatrician when I was a child had me disrobe at this age (and maybe younger?) but that's not standard at this practice. This doctor asks a lot of questions, but most of the examinations are clothed. After taking height and weight and an eye and ear check, the main questions are about nutrition and socialization.

Please forgive me for misunderstanding your initial post. I'm only going on what I read! I am glad your son was OK with you being in the room. I'm also relieved that you don't think he perceived your reaction to how he looked as alarmed or dismayed. I don't think there's any cause for anything like that.

Obviously, we have to stay on top of our kids' development, and not let them suffer because we weren't paying attention. I see that most websites list typical ages for puberty in boys as 12-16, meaning that our boys at 12 are on the young side for puberty. Some people, boys and girls both, are going through puberty earlier these days. That's probably not a great thing.
 
#16 ·
One thing I noticed when I had my son was that there's a huge and frankly intensely weird amount of attention given to little boys' penises. THere's just a ton of concern about whether each individual boy is "normal" - is he big enough, is he developing the way he should, is the size of his penis going to cause romantic difficulties or social issues for him, and if the child differs from whatever we think he should look like, even if the difference is temporary, how can we fix it? I have seen pediatric urologists suggest liposuction for preschoolers.

I don't think it does any child any good to get too comparative. We should put individual shower stalls and curtained changing cubicles in boys' locker rooms, just like they have on the girls' side, and stop fretting about this. As a parent, I decline to enter into size comparisons or push my kids towards physical ideals that have nothing to do with their health.
 
#21 · (Edited)
As a mother of two boys, I have to say, that i haven't noticed this at all. I do think the pressure is on children to grow up more quickly, that indeed puberty is arriving earlier and earlier for girls because of additional hormones in food ( I believe this affects mens sperm count, but i dont know how it affects the onset of boys' puberty)

Nope, penis size hasnt come into discussion with doctors or other parents other than this thread.
 
#18 ·
embarrassing ...or not embarrassing (am from another culture, so i obviously don't "juge" the same as you on the embarrassment scale ...)
i still think it's nice for the Mom to be able to discuss whatever subject she's worried about over the internet
she may not have real life people she can talk about these issues ....
 
#19 ·
My DS will be 13 in December and is a bit on the chubby side and under 5 ft tall. Definitely nowhere close to puberty - no facial hair, etc. He's gotten more private about his body the last 6 months or so so I'm not about his "parts." Anyway, I think your DS sounds pretty normal.
 
#25 ·
I don't think it's terrible to look for reassurance online. I was more worried about whether the tone of alarm in the original post came across to the child.

My own mother has always been worried about whether her children, and now, my son, are developing and growing at an average rate. Also whether our bodies are standard in terms of weight. She's very worried about weight. This was not good for me as a child, and has been difficult for me as an adult. Like most women in the US, I have struggles with body image. Having a mom who was, and is, so weirdly competitive about bodies did not help me at all. (And it's generally a competition about something you just do not control, so it's kind of absurd.)

You might think that because women suffer from this most, that men don't. My dad talked with me recently about shopping for clothing with his own parents at my son's age, and having them say negative things about his body during the awkwardness of puberty. He's 79 years old, and he's not totally over that! (I'm pretty sure it came up because he doesn't want my kid to go through anything similar.)

I think it's important for parents to convey to our children that we believe they are attractive and fine the way they are, especially when they're 12. I mostly think about this because of weight issues, but for sure questioning whether your child's body is sexually normal is something you don't want to do in front of him.

I mean, I'm sure there is a time to step in and talk to the doctor about growth hormone treatments and diagnosis of serious hormonal conditions, but I don't think this is that time by any stretch of the imagination. It's really not unusual for a 12 year old boy to be pre-pubescent.

If my son takes after his dad, he might go through puberty on the very late side. I think maybe it would help to find out at what age your child's father went through puberty and when other men in your family did.
 
#27 ·
I also don't understand this type of check. I only have daughters, and never once did a doctor check their parts and make sure they were developing right. It's weird to me.

When the boys are young, they want to check to see if the testicles have descended (something like that). They want to make sure the foreskin has separated. Intactivists learn to tell the doc to leave the foreskin alone as some try to forcefully separate it (one reason i dont trust docs without internet backup) I dont know about older boys.
 
#28 ·
I think that the hormonal environment your brain is living in has a lot to do with your interests, emotional state, social affinities and so on. But whether puberty contributes to emotional maturation or not, the reality is that on average girls mature faster than boys both physically and emotionally.

My ds entered puberty around the same time as his younger sister (they're almost two years apart). For a while when she started developing she was actually taller than he was and this was a source of anxiety for him: when was he going to grow? would he ever get taller? It was immensely reassuring for him to hear that later puberty and later grown spurts were statistically speaking normal for boys, that this was a pretty common situation. If kids are worried about their development -- and I have no idea whether the OP's son is or not -- it can be very helpful for them to understand that in the big-picture sense their developmental trajectory is consistent with a scientifically recognized trend.

Miranda
 
#30 ·
I don't think it's terrible to look for reassurance online. I was more worried about whether the tone of alarm in the original post came across to the child.

My own mother has always been worried about whether her children, and now, my son, are developing and growing at an average rate. Also whether our bodies are standard in terms of weight. She's very worried about weight. This was not good for me as a child, and has been difficult for me as an adult. Like most women in the US, I have struggles with body image. Having a mom who was, and is, so weirdly competitive about bodies did not help me at all. (And it's generally a competition about something you just do not control, so it's kind of absurd.)

You might think that because women suffer from this most, that men don't. My dad talked with me recently about shopping for clothing with his own parents at my son's age, and having them say negative things about his body during the awkwardness of puberty. He's 79 years old, and he's not totally over that! (I'm pretty sure it came up because he doesn't want my kid to go through anything similar.)

I think it's important for parents to convey to our children that we believe they are attractive and fine the way they are, especially when they're 12.

In any case, if this were an example of a delayed puberty, you might have some serious questions about whether to intervene medically. It would be worthwhile to know when the child's father went through puberty--my kid's dad was super late--and when other men in your families did.
 
#42 ·
I would not be concerned for another year at least, based on what I have read about the range of normal timing of puberty.

Linda on the Move wrote:
I only have daughters, and never once did a doctor check their parts and make sure they were developing right. It's weird to me.
I have a daughter. Her genitals were checked 1 hour after birth, at her 2-day-old checkup, and at her 6-month-old checkup. I don't know how often this will be part of exams later in childhood. I remember that when I was 8 and getting a physical for camp, the doctor asked when I last had a genital exam, my mom said not since the urinary tract infection when I was 3, and so the doctor took a quick look and then checked a box on the form--if there was a box for it, I assume it's somewhat routine.
 
#44 ·
For 96% of North American males, puberty begins between 9.8 and 14.2 years, with a mean of 11.8 years So he normal to start and. all erection and growth of his Penis and testis are the first sing. and is you can't get good measurement of penis size with out ertcation I say jest wait and see. Boy start puberty at approximately two years later than girls
 
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