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Help and Advice is needed from Mothers

1K views 11 replies 7 participants last post by  Pookietooth 
#1 ·
I don't really know how often it is for a the child to be in a mothering forum asking for help and advice..(not very often I'm.gonna assume). Well, here it goes. I'm 18, foster child, and have been with my current mother since I was two.. I love her to death.. But last few years its like we've split.
Her boyfriend and I had a fight May 2014 and he still won't talk to me.. Ever since then the situation between my mother and I have gotten significantly worse. We fight more.. But she is always calling me names.. Always saying I'm the only one doing anything bad in the house, and then I'll end up proving to her it wasn't me and she just yells at me and calls me a self centered brat.. I don't know what to do. To me it feels like she's sided with her boyfriend.. If I wanna go with her somewhere she always "has" to ask him even if he's outside chopping wood or working on something, and he always says he wants to go so I'm no longer to go. I can't go on.vacations with them, but when I wanna go hangout with friends she throws a temper tantrum ... Saying that I never go with them anywhere but will go with friends. I hate how we've split so much.. I hate how I feel like I'm the only one that wants it back to the way it was.. The other day I get home we fought and she busted out into tears, saying she's sorry for being like that, then turned around an hour later and was at it even worse..

Thanks in advance..
 
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#3 ·
I admit I don't have a teen, but if I were you I would think about moving out. Think of what you want to do long term and go from there. Graduate high school if you haven't yet and plan for college or get a job. Plan your finances carefully: don't go into debt and get a room mate if you can.
You might not agree with your mother's choices but you are an adult now and you can make your own.
 
#4 ·
Could be many things going on here..

How is her boyfriend as a person? You didn't mention that but the fact that he still won't talk to you is.. a bit of an indication.

The sad fact is.. it seems like (from what you have said) that you are the adult in this situation at the moment for whatever reason. I would suggest the following:
1. Patch up with the boyfriend if he isn't an abusive sort. Figure out a way. Right now your mom's focus (sadly) is him. Keeping him, not fighting with him, dealing with him, etc. She loves you but right now she feels out of control of this situation. Anything that helps that she will be pleased with. I wouldn't suggest forcing her to choose between you two.
2. Strike a bargain. So she is stuck like glue to him. See if you can have 30 min once a week of mom/daughter time. They can choose the time and day. The rest of the time make it easier for them. Ask (after patching up with him), if they would like you to go along. If not, you asked. Then when you want to go out with your friends you can remind them that you have asked if they would like you along.
3. Get focused on you. I wholeheartedly agree thinking about your future is prudent. Get to where you can choose to involve them in your life because you WANT them.. not because you NEED them.
4. Find an adult you can trust. Find a mentor. They can help beyond belief. Here's a tip to find out if someone is trustworthy: Tell them a little secret and make sure they agree not to tell. Make sure this is a secret you don't mind being spread or shared with your parents. If they share it, no biggy.. it wasn't a major secret but now you know you can't trust them. Find someone inspiring! A teacher, a counselor, etc.
Really hope this helps. Big hugs!!!!
 
#6 ·
He's not the abusive type.. Him and I were always best friends, I thought of him as a father and he thought of me as a son.. But he began to start accusing me of stuff like stealing money from him, or something of the sort when I was 16.. And last year in may him and I got into to the point where he had me on the ground with his fist in my face as he was yelling at me. Since then I've tried my best to do whatever I can to show him that I'm not the same.. But it just keeps getting worse. Ita gotten to the point that if their gone for more than a day I have to leave the house and stay away until they get home. Cause last few months they'll go on a vacation and he'll come back and find something to accuse me of.. Maybe two months ago he accused me of stealing 200$ out of aa bucket of coins he's been saving for his grandkids ..he had the police involved and when they found nothing he started saying that I probably had a friend help me..
 
#5 ·
That's what I've been trying to do , but since I'm in foster care its a lot harder.. I'm having to make up credits I'm highschool because I was sick and in the hospital a lot throughout the years.. Probably over 150-200 hospitalizations, since I'm foster care I have to get court approved for everything unless I am 21 or older and graduated.. The won't let me move out until I go to college, even then it was a fight to let them let me move out. I can't even get my drivers license.. And it's hard finding a job especially since I have a lot of medical issues ranging from lungs, immune system to major arthritis and mental break downs.. I'm doing better but nothing seems to be helping to get my plans going.
 
#7 ·
Well, here it goes. I'm 18, foster child, and have been with my current mother since I was two.. I love her to death.. But last few years its like we've split..
I think it's great that you are working on making up credits. You've gotten some good advice already, and I'll give you more.

You need to go to college and get a degree that will pave the way to a decent job. (not all degrees do that, you need to be smart because YOU are all that you've got). Because you are in foster care, there may be special programs and funding for you. Are you a senior this year? Go and see your counselor and school, and ask for help. Apply to your state university -- you most likely can do this on-line. If you foster mom won't pay the application fee, contact the school and tell them you are in foster care and ask for help. There are multiple steps to applying for college, including transcripts, letters of recommendation, etc. You need to get started immediately because many schools have Dec. 31 deadlines.

I was on my on from the time I was 18. I worked my way through college as a waitress. It can be done.

As a foster kid, do you have a case worker? I would contact him/her and let them know that you want to know what is available to help you with college.

Do you know what you want to do once your education is complete?

I haven't mentioned your foster mom or her boyfriend because I don't think that is where your focus should be. I need to look after yourself. You need to put your energy into building a beautiful life for yourself. If you can get a copy of "Meet the Robinsons," it is a brilliant movie for those of us without a real family of origin. Here is a link to the theme song:


Good luck. The road ahead won't be easy, but you can do this. You are strong enough.
 
#8 ·
Well, here it goes. I'm 18, foster child, and have been with my current mother since I was two.. I love her to death.. But last few years its like we've split..
I think it's great that you are working on making up credits. You've gotten some good advice already, and I'll give you more.

You need to go to college and get a degree that will pave the way to a decent job. (not all degrees do that, you need to be smart because YOU are all that you've got). Because you are in foster care, there may be special programs and funding for you. Are you a senior this year? Go and see your counselor and school, and ask for help. Apply to your state university -- you most likely can do this on-line. If you foster mom won't pay the application fee, contact the school and tell them you are in foster care and ask for help. There are multiple steps to applying for college, including transcripts, letters of recommendation, etc. You need to get started immediately because many schools have Dec. 31 deadlines.

I was on my on from the time I was 18. I worked my way through college as a waitress. It can be done.

As a foster kid, do you have a case worker? I would contact him/her and let them know that you want to know what is available to help you with college.

Do you know what you want to do once your education is complete?

I haven't mentioned your foster mom or her boyfriend because I don't think that is where your focus should be. I need to look after yourself. You need to put your energy into building a beautiful life for yourself. If you can get a copy of "Meet the Robinsons," it is a brilliant movie for those of us without a real family of origin. Here is a link to the theme song:


Good luck. The road ahead won't be easy, but you can do this. You are strong enough.
That's actually what I'm working on, I finished a few applications to about 2 colleges with help from Fafsa , they said I meet their requirements so they will pay my college, they'll even help with housing
. I'll be done with highschool on 18th of December. I am gonna try to double major in Computer Graphics and Computer Engineering (building and repairing of computers) and minor in Creative writing. I am currently looking for a publisher because I am wanting to see about getting my book that I've been writing for the past 4-5 years and finished. 100 Chapters and 1400 pages , I also am gonna test for what's called a IC3 Certificate , which will help me significantly get a job in a computer field. I've already passed 3 college computer classes the highschool had and 2 writing classes. I'm set to go only thing I need to do is get a temporary job until August..

The colleges I've applied for currently is CMC(Colorado Mountain College) and CMU(Colorado Mesa University)
 
#10 ·
You are at a hard age! I cannot relate to your situation of being a foster child, so take my advice for what it's worth. It sounds like a multi-layered situation, where you fight about the same things, but the emotions underneath are what needs to be addressed. Have you talked to your social worker about how you can handle the conflict? What have you tried so far? Have you told your mom that you miss her, that you want to live in peace, and that it hurts to be rejected for this long by your mom's significant other? You have very little control here, except for yourself, your own behaviors and actions. Honey, what are your future plans? Have you graduated high school yet? It might help to do some thinking along those lines. When I was 18 and did not get along with my parents AT ALL... just so you know, you aren't alone. Our family was extremely dysfunctional, we'll just leave it at that. What made difficult situations and conflicts easier is to realize that I wouldn't be living at home forever. I wanted to stand on my own and not rely on my parents or my boyfriend. I didn't want to get married or have a baby too young. I had to keep my eyes forward and use my time and energies on my future. I tried to minimize conflicts by letting what I could slide, by being as respectful as I could, and by sticking to my game plan-- I was out of the house by age 19, in my own apartment, and working a full time job. Things got much more peaceful once we all had our own space and I could visit and go to MY OWN home and shake off the negativity. I feel you, honey! Be smart in your choices. Realize not everyone is like the people you live with and that you can overcome!
 
#11 ·
So this woman has been your foster mother for 16 years? She won't let you go anywhere with her boyfriend and her but then complains that you don't go anywhere with them? I don't understand. I am so sorry to hear that. Blame and shame are part of downward spiral that is hard to stop. Has she made you feel that she "owns" you or that you "owe" her for taking you in?
Will she kick you out as soon as your foster care funds stop? Have you looked into finding other homes? The first homeless teen I met was a 19 year old who was turned out on the street when she graduated high school. Not to say that this would happen, just a warning. Are you in high school? Can you do concurrent enrollment at a junior college so you can get college credit while you get your high school diploma? Have you applied to any colleges? Frankly, I would prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.
 
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