My 17 year old son has been depressed for awhile now because he's never had a girlfriend. He goes to a small private school, and he says he's known a lot of the girls since kindergarten and he's not attracted to them. He's tried going to the mall to look for girls, but he also has social anxiety disorder, and he feels to anxious to walk up to a girl, talk to her and ask for her number. He tried joining a club at another school, but he feels the same anxiety about talking to pretty girls. He's very upset and doesn't want to go to school because he says he sees his friends and stuff in relationships and it makes him feel so awful he wants to cry. He's been crying a lot recently and doesn't really have any appetite. I've taken him to several therapy appointments with a social worker, but he seems to be more frustrated by the appointments than helped. The social worker thinks that he has social anxiety. She also thinks that his best bet is to date a girl at the school, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't like those girls at all. He also says he feels jealous of all his friends who have girlfriends and he wants a girlfriend so bad. What can I do? He's so sad.
If your son has a social anxiety disorder and depressed, get him help. Deal with those things: keep working on his mental health and maturity. Muster lots of resources: you may need to consider medication, you may need to look at family counselling, CBT, psychiatric consultations, all sorts of things. Give up the girlfriend thing already. Did you not get anything out of the previous thread? Focusing on the girlfriend issue is not helpful.
Girlfriends do not solve social anxiety disorder. He needs to address that FIRST (and I agree it sounds like he may have other issues as well) and then maybe he will be ready for a girlfriend.
A teen who cries and refuses to eat because he does not have a girlfriend is not emotionally healthy.
You can't find him a girlfriend, but perhaps you should stick with the therapy. Even if he doesn't love it. He is going to have to navigate the majority of the romantic relationship world alone. And that includes learning to deal with sadness, impatience, and rejection.
you can make sure he is supported, especially with his social anxiety. I once met a grown man with severe social anxiety who I thought was gay. He asked me out, and in the end we did not get very far beyond friends because he clearly couldn't get a handle on the anxiety thing. So I suggest focusing on the anxiety.
The problem here is social anxiety, and it will not be fixed by a girlfriend. Also, please keep in mind, as I have said to elsewhere about this very problem: a girlfriend is a person, with needs, wants, values, and concerns of her own. She is not an emotional bandaid that can be applied to fix your son.
You need to take a step back from your son's view of this issue.
This is possibly the most upsetting and alarming post I have ever seen here. A kid whose only problem is he can't "find a girlfriend" is not crying and losing weight. Please, please take a step back from what your son is telling you in words to see and hear what he is telling you in other ways.
Kids who are only lonely for a girlfriend/boyfriend still spend time with their other friends. They have they activities they like to do. Maybe they don't like school, but they're out there in life. They don't cry a lot. They don't lose weight unless they are trying to. Absent economic hardship, unintentional weight loss (not explained by doing something like joining a new sport) almost always signals severe illness.
You are talking about HUGE red flags. Huge. Teens who are feeling this bad do kill themselves. If he's not clicking with the current therapist, try another. They can be hard to find, but maybe a male therapist? Keep trying until you find the right one.
I don't think he wants a girlfriend as an emotional bandage. The only reason he's feeling upset is because he's feeling very frustrated because he wants to be able to approach pretty girls and talk to them and ask them for their numbers, but is unable to do so because he feels too anxious. I think that he's become very sad because he sees all his friends with girlfriends and he really wants to do something to get a girlfriend but is feeling too afraid to do anything. Plus every time he hangs out with his friends he ends up feeling like a third wheel because they have their girlfriends with them. And when he wants to talk to them at school, his friends have their girlfriends with them then, too. And he's been wanting a girlfriend for a long time now, so I think he's just tired of waiting and thinks it's unfair that every other guy can ask a girl out and he can't.
You (and he) think that having a girlfriend would fix his problem, that his problem is "not having a girlfriend" and that if all his waiting for one ended and he had a girlfriend, that his problems would be gone.
This is what people are referring to as viewing a girlfriend as an emotional bandaid: you are both refusing to see that the problem isn't the lack of a girlfriend. The problems are anxiety, lack of maturity and quite possibly depression. That's what needs dealing with.
And you, assuming that you actually are a parent communicating about an actual issue, are enabling your son in avoiding his real issues by continually focusing on the girlfriend thing. You need to put the focus on his emotional and mental health issues.
I'm going to be blunt. What would you like someone on this forum to do? Offer up a daughter or a pill that will change his social anxiety?
Actually, there are drugs that abruptly affect social anxiety. Alcohol is one, benzodiazepines (Valium is an example) another, and opioids (oxycodone, heroin) yet another. You don't want him turning to one of those. Any medication originally marketed as an immediate panacea for anxiety (Miltown, Xanax) is highly addictive and potentially very harmful in the long run. The claims of a magic bullet came from the pharmaceutical industry, not science. There is nothing quick-acting you can purchase or do for him that will not expose him to more harm than benefit.
Social anxiety is a tough road, but he's going to have to walk his way on it. That's not going to happen if you focus on a missing girlfriend as being the problem.
He is only depressed because he doesn't have a girlfriend. The entire reason he cares that he has social anxiety at all is because it's getting in the way of him having a girlfriend. In all other aspects of his life besides approaching girls he does not experience any anxiety, or if he does he can deal with it. He is only depressed because he feels like he is behind the romantic aspect of life because everyone else his age has been in a relationship. While it is important to somehow deal with his anxiety, there seems to be no clear path to doing so. Quite frankly, him not having a girlfriend is the entire problem. If he has a girlfriend, he does not care if he has social anxiety.
I don't believe that's true. I believe there are other problems than not having a girlfriend.
But addressing the girlfriend issue? You say he wants to go up to pretty girls at the mall and ask for their phone numbers? I have a teenage daughter. I'd be furious if she gave her number to a stranger at the mall. If he wants a girlfriend he needs to get to know girls. Girls are people too. Girlfriends are people too.
The issue is that he does not have a girlfriend. Are you going to give me any suggestions as to how to help him or are you just going to sit here (people who don't know him) and insist that there are other problems?
Well, we're trying to help him by saying he needs more help. Healthy teens don't hang all their self-worth on a girlfriend (or a boyfriend).
But as far as the girlfriend issue -- you go to the mall to get shoes or jeans. You don't go to the mall to get a girlfriend. If he wants a girlfriend, he needs to get to know girls. His friends have girlfriends: maybe those girls have friends. Or he could join clubs or activities.
So has he got over the issue of finding every last girl at his school unattractive? He apparently has a twin sister who has friends who come over: does he socialize when they're around? Why are you talking about him going to the mall to get phone numbers? That's an approach right out of the 1980s. What about his online socializing? Why isn't that bridging past his social anxieties?
I don't really buy any of this. The scenarios don't seem plausible. Not in this thread, not in either of your other ones.
I don't know why these scenarios seem impossible to you. He goes to a small school and has been there since kindergarten. He's tired of the girls there and doesn't really know anyone outside of school. One of the places he's been trying to meet girls is at the mall. I honestly don't give a hoot if it seems like an approach out of the 1980s.
Why isn't social media helping him bridge past his anxiety? Is he attracted to any particular girls? What about his sister's friends and his social contact with those girls?
I've had guys approach me for phone numbers, and my answer is "I don't give that out." My daughter is six, and she has already internalized don't give your phone number to strangers as a safety rule. So asking girls at the mall for their numbers is not gonna make your son feel better.
Also: You have to take a parental step back. No! Not all seventeen year-olds have had romantic relationships. Some of them aren't interested, some of them aren't lucky, some of them are in target-poor environments like your son's small school. And those kids, the ones who aren't dating at 17, they wind up fine.
Want a list of stupid things that teenage romances have involved? They don't make life better, generally, they just add a source of drama to the general teen hormonal haze. Sometimes that feels good. More often, it's a mess. There's angst and misunderstandings and misbehavior, plus academic distraction and risk of pregnancy, injury and disease.
If this kid was a girl longing for a boyfriend, there is no community of mothers imaginable that wouldn't be telling her to buck up and build her own good life. In this instance, I think your son needs less sympathy and a reminder that sex isn't everything.
My 17 year old son has been depressed for awhile now because he's never had a girlfriend. ... He's tried going to the mall to look for girls, but he also has social anxiety disorder, and he feels to anxious to walk up to a girl, talk to her and ask for her number. He tried joining a club at another school, but he feels the same anxiety about talking to pretty girls.
You have just summed up the teen-age experience. Every teen goes through this at least sometimes.
Shoot, I personally didn't have a boyfriend until I was 19 - for the very same reason.
My questions are:
What kind of teen years did you have if you didn't experience this?
Why does your son have a social worker?
What does your son's father think of the situation?
My husband just thinks that my son should date a girl who goes to his school, but my son just complains that he does not like any girl who goes to his school and has no interest at all in them. I think the reason it is especially hard for him to talk to girls is because he has a fear of being judged by his peers when they're not really judging him; he also starts feeling abnormally anxious at the prospect of having to approach a pretty girl (pounding heart, sweating hands).
He goes to a private school, and there isn't very much drama at all. Most of the kids stay in relationships for several years. I wish that rather than trying to nitpick and what I'm saying that people would just give me suggestions for helping him. I've tried telling him to focus on school and everything but he does not care. He says he's already doing well (he is) and just wants a girlfriend. My husband and I don't know what to tell him and we need help, because nothing has helped and he's quite sad.
I don't care what you think. The only issue is that he wants a girlfriend and cannot find one because he does not like any girl who goes to his school and there aren't really any clubs for him to join. Stop saying that he has other issues BECAUSE HE DOES NOT. The only help he needs is help finding a girlfriend. Once again, the troubles he's having are the result of him wanting a girlfriend and not being able to find one.
No. Mentally healthy people do not cry repeatedly and refuse to eat because they do not have a girlfriend.
Chances are he'll have better luck finding a girlfriend if he gets himself in a better place mentally, anyhow. Desperation is not attractive to the opposite sex.
I understand that it is very hard to see your kid hurting, andd I understand the desire to fix it for him. But I don't think parents really can (or should) find girlfriends (or boyfriends) for their teenaged kids, or really do anything to facilitate that process other than helping the kid get involved in social activities. My local library system has clubs for teens. Maybe you could ask your library if they have such a thing, and if not, would they be willing to start one?
When I was a teen I really wanted a boyfriend. I thought my life would feel complete if I had one. I can see now that what I really wanted was the sense that someone was choosing me, because I feared I was unattractive and unlovable. I did find a boyfriend at 17, and he was a man in his mid-twenties. For a while I was over the moon with this situation, however, in the end it led to more problems for me due to the inappropriate age gap. Just because a teenager really wants something, doesn't mean they are necessarily ready for it or should have it.
The teenage years can be very difficult. Sometimes all you can do is listen and offer support.
I literally cannot believe that kids at your children's school have low-drama romantic relationships that usually last for several years. As much as teen drama doesn't make teen lives better, teen romantic judgment tends to be flawed. Better that teens should change partners and learn to survive heartbreak than stick with the choices they made at 14 even when they're a bad fit.
Your son, as described, is a terrible relationship prospect, and you are doing him no favors by being so uncritical about his approach to this issue. Your son is looking for a unicorn - for a new, beautiful woman to wander along, look at the sad mess he currently is, and bestow herself upon him to heal his pain. This will not happen, and it shouldn't happen.
This kid needs therapy, not sympathy. Both you and your son need to remember that women are people with agency, not props in men's lives.
For the love of all that's holy, lady, give it up. You've been at this for almost a year and gotten many, many sane responses from people in all walks of life with different perspectives, none of which you'll even consider. You won't accept anything short of a mailorder bride or the offer of someone's firstborn daughter delivered to your doorstep.
FFS, go spew your crazy somewhere else.
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