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Makes my heart hurt

3K views 14 replies 7 participants last post by  Ruthla 
#1 · (Edited)
I'm going to try to make this short, and hope you've read my "shaving armpits" post. So last night, my SD10 had a sad look on her face. I asked what was wrong, and she said she was sad because her mom hadn't answered her texts in a few days. So, to comfort her, I asked if she wanted me to lay in bed with her. She replied "I mean you can if you want to", so OF COURSE I WANT TO... So, we laid next to each other and started chatting.
She says to me "I can't wait to start my period so I can shave my armpits". Nooo!! This stems from her BM telling her she can't shave until she starts her period. I took the opportunity to tell her that her Dad now has final say in her care, and he is in charge to make decisions. She says "but you heard what my mom said, she doesn't allow disobedience and she's my mom I have to listen to her". I tried to explain that since her BM lives in Florida, it's not possible for her to make daily decisions for her. "But she's going to start yelling at me if I shave". I couldn't get through. So she shed some tears and we talked about other things, like how her Dad and I met, and about some of her friends at school. She asked me to sleep with her all night and not leave, and she dozed off.....
I'm so stuck. She's scared of her moms reaction to anything she does, her Dad nor I can change that. Maybe it's time for counseling? Maybe it's time we restrict her moms access (I don't think that will help). It just makes me sad because I think if it's effecting her this much she should just shave them! It stems from her gymnastics class and she says no one else has hairy armpits. She loves gymnastics and will probably continue with it.

What do we next? Try to have a chat with mom? But that won't help.
 
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#2 ·
Aww.

It sounds like it is just going to be really hard for her to willingly disobey her mom, even if she knows she can. I would reassure her that it's a choice for her... she can shave if she wants, or she can do what her mom says if she wants. You'll support her either way. I would buy her some decent safety razors and the book "The Care and Keeping of You" which gives instructions for this and many other adolescent details.... and leave that with her "for when she decides."

Then I would offer to get her a long-sleeve gymsuit like the national teams wear. Yeah, it might be a splurge, but she's in a real tough situation right now, and if that would help reduce her heartache over the next few months or year or two, it would be money well spent imo.

Miranda
 
#4 ·
Poor kid; what a tough spot to be in. How often does she visit her bio Mom?

A long-sleeved leotard sounds like a good compromise; you could take her shopping and for lunch...makea fun outing out of it.
She sees her mom for thanksgiving, half of Christmas, spring break and summer. I will ask her if she'd like a long sleeve one!

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#5 ·
Ah, I was thinking maybe she could just not shave around her Mom, but on second thought I guess that's not a great message to send either.
Tying shaving to her period is kinda ridiculous. I had plenty of body hair for at least two years before I started menstruating. I would have been mortified if my mom hadn't let me.
 
#7 ·
I mentioned "maybe your mom wouldn't notice" but she said "oh she would know she always knows" plus I want to try not to create an environment of lying, but rather learning how to stand up to her (in a certain way). But her mom was a hitter when she was younger so she's always scared of getting hit.

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#8 ·
This is psychological/emotional abuse and it's time dad stepped in and dealt with mom. Seriously, he needs to put a stop to this, monitor contact, and yes, maybe a session or two of counseling. I am very impressed with how you are doing your best to deal with this issue, and be there for your sdd. Time for dad to take a lead though.
 
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#9 ·
He text mom and told her that she was stepping out of line and it wasn't healthy for SD to be tugged between 2 parents. That she needed a leader and someone to count on, and because of the living arrangements that needed to be him. BM said that they have a mother daughter relationship that can never be broken, and no matter how far away she is she will always be able to parent her.

So for now yes he will monitor contact with mom to a certain extent, especially if any decisions need to be made.

One time I was doing her hair (for picture day) and she told her mom and her mom says to her "have fun with that" and stopped texting her (she doesn't like me doing her hair). Total guilt trip. So sad.

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#10 ·
The more I hear about her moms treatment of her, I think she needs to see a councilor who will help her understand her mom isn't particularly mentally healthy. At 10 years old she shouldn't have to learn how to "deal" with her mom, but maybe she needs to learn some canned responses such as "thanks for the input mom, I will think about it" so she can let her mom know she hears what she has said, and will take it into consideration, and then do what she thinks is best for herself.
 
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#11 ·
Yeah. Their bond is strong. She doesn't trust the GAL anymore from our custody case either because "my mom said that she told her everything". I know for a fact that's a lie. I like that response. But she's stuck on "that's my mom I HAVE to listen to her". I think she's still in the early stage of guilt for moving with us. I'm hoping some of that will pass. Her mom has told her "she doesn't tolerate disobedience" so I don't think "I'll think about it" would fly. We just have to try to monitor a lot of their conversations when it comes to discussions

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#14 ·
She did get a long sleeve leotard, but she actually came outta the shower one day and had shaved! All by herself.
She never went to see her mom for thanksgiving. We still haven't heard anything from her mom about Christmas and he's text her twice. He just text her yesterday to see if she was planning on flying her down there...no response. SD seems to think she's going :( I sure hope so, or he may need to tell SD not to plan on going down there anymore (so she doesn't get her hopes up).

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