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daughter likes to vent/process at 11:00 p.m!

2K views 10 replies 7 participants last post by  lauren 
#1 ·
This is mostly a vent - but I am still open to suggestions!

My 14 yr old is doing well. She has minor emotional issues - nothing out of the ordinary for a 14 yr old, IMHO. She has a new quirk, however, and my eyes are starting to develop bags!

She has started talking about her stresses and issues (yeah!) but she is doing it at 11:00 at night. I was not in bed last night till midnight and this is the second time this week. I am tired, and she is more tired.

I am not sure, what, if anything to do about it.

I know the issues are genuine, but her sleepiness is not helping matters.

There is part of me that wants to tell her - hey, if you have anything to discuss, can we do it at 8:00 - but I worry she might take it wrong. I want to be there for her when she needs me and at her time, yk, but I think my tiredness and her tiredness (especially hers) are amplifying emotions.

I am tempted to try camomille tea or lavender oil or something at night to try and get her to settle.

I do know she could use more exercise - that might help wipe her out and exercise is good for mood, but that is a long term plan.

Thoughts?
 
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#2 ·
Does she have a bedtime?

My 17 year old granddaughter still has a time she is expected to be settled down for the night.

It may be too late to institute such a standard if one doesn't exist, however.
 
#3 ·
do you guys

Go for walks together? This is often when my son will talk more personally about stuff. Trying to relax before sleep is I'd guess, going to have to happen sooner than it has. Yoga? Listening to music? A deep bath (my hubby tried epsom salts with lavender and he almost fell asleep IN the tub)? I do the build up of stress all day and then deal with it as I'm lying in the dark too, it drives my hubby nuts. LOL.
 
#4 ·
How about this:

Next time she wants to vent at 11 pm, pair something up with the venting, something like herbal tea, or a back rub, light a candle and lie down together on cushions on the living room floor. Whatever you think might work. Make a cozy ritual out of the time together. Say "hang on a second, let's make some tea so we can chill together... " and then "hey, great chat..." Say it even if you're exhausted: as you said, it's important to keep conversations going with teens, so grin and bear the late hour if you possibly can the next couple of times.

But then, after you've set up the ritual, offer it up -- the tea or the back rub or whatever -- on a regular basis but initiate it at 9 pm instead of waiting for her to start the process at 11. See if you can cue the venting earlier in the evening by associating with this ritual.

miranda
 
#5 ·
How about this:

Next time she wants to vent at 11 pm, pair something up with the venting, something like herbal tea, or a back rub, light a candle and lie down together on cushions on the living room floor. Whatever you think might work. Make a cozy ritual out of the time together. Say "hang on a second, let's make some tea so we can chill together... " and then "hey, great chat..." Say it even if you're exhausted: as you said, it's important to keep conversations going with teens, so grin and bear the late hour if you possibly can the next couple of times.

But then, after you've set up the ritual, offer it up -- the tea or the back rub or whatever -- on a regular basis but initiate it at 9 pm instead of waiting for her to start the process at 11. See if you can cue the venting earlier in the evening by associating with this ritual.

miranda
Exactly the sort of bed-time ritual that smart parents establish with their toddlers! Brilliant idea.
 
#6 ·
Thanks everyone.

I like a lot of the ideas - especially the walks and trying to establish a calming down/venting pattern (tea, couch) and then moving it earlier.
 
#7 ·
Yep, sounds like you need to start the bedtime routine again. I do highs, lows and oh nos with my kids. If there is anything that they want to talk about that is when they bring it up, and then we are in a good place to talk about it.
 
#9 ·
Well, I think that for some people, talking through feelings with a trusted adult can help process the anxiety, gain perspective, explore coping mechanisms and ultimately fix the underlying issue. The idea of a routine was to shift the timing of that discussion so that it is less challenging for Kathy to support.
@kathymuggle how are things lately? Any progress?

Miranda
 
#10 ·
well, yes (ish).

We have ultimately decided that she likely suffers from some anxiety and we have seen our GP and have an intake call with mental health next week for counselling. We also have private insurance and will go that route if provincial service have too long a wait list. I have several emails/calls out and we are looking towards CBT.

That bring said, we have had some success with moving her venting/talking earlier. I think she naturally wants to talk just before bed because it is quiet then, but also because she is alone with her thoughts lying in bed and that is when they can become overwhelming. She does not want to journal, but has taken up sudoku in bed to keep her mind busy until she is tired enough to fall asleep.

I have had to set some limits (although not many) because at one point I was on the verge of my own burnout - and late night chats are when I am least able to listen affectively. All of our bedtimes have moved earlier, to accommodate possible late night chats, and that has helped as well.

On the plus side, even though we have had a hard few weeks, she has processed a lot, shared a lot, and we have grown a little closer. She does seem to be feeling a bit better in the last few days, but it is too early to say this difficult introspective stage is over.
 
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