"Dear, our daughter told us this morning that she is transgender." - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 9 Old 10-12-2017, 09:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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"Dear, our daughter told us this morning that she is transgender."

I came here first.

Hubbie just told me that 14 yr/old DD told him last night (I was asleep), "I'm transgender."

Hubbie says:

-DD says she will tell me after school.
--Two older sisters already know.

This has really gone nowhere...supportive noises, no discussion.

To ea other, hubbie and I have said...DD knows what transgender means. We think?

--DD is not girly but was never a tomboy. We never noticed, hmmm she likes boys' clothes, boys' toys.

--DD is not chatty but she is definitely happy and healthy. She has girl and guy friends.

--DD cut her long hair shortish in the Spring. She favors dark Ts and dark jeans.

Her grades are good and she is friends with her sisters. She likes me but isn't into a Mom/Daughter talkie relationship (see other thread).

She is only 14, not planning to do much but make "we love you" sounds...

Research, counselor...experienced voices? Is this the new new or a phase or whatever?

TIA!

Questions welcome, questions answered.
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#2 of 9 Old 10-12-2017, 12:03 PM
 
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You can get some information and support from PFLAG and Gender Spectrum. It may be a phase it may not be. Kids today are much more fluid in their gender expressions and identity than earlier generations were. There is a wide range of how people express their gender but it's best to be respectful of how people identify themselves and use the pronouns that the person wants to use.


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#3 of 9 Old 10-12-2017, 03:37 PM
 
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Its not a 'phase', this is who your child is. You need to accept your child for whoever they are. It has nothing to do with a hair cut, toys, clothes, its not about outward appearances, its an internal feeling- its a deep feeling, a knowing the person has. The best thing a parent can do is respect the child, honor the pronouns, the name the child wishes to be called and put supports in place for the child. If your child wants counseling then yes , help them find a counselor THEY feel comfortable with. But if YOU want counseling then by all means seek out counseling for yourself. Your childs gender is not something you did, its not something you created, you caused, you did or didnt do. This is YOUR CHILD and its your responsibility as a parent to protect your child from a world that is not understand.
You may need to advocate at the school, you may need to advocate in the community but this is your child.

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#4 of 9 Old 10-12-2017, 05:05 PM
 
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I wanted to come back to this- you seem to be overly focused on grades, friends, sisters etc. Those may be your 'things' but you need to step back and examine what is truly important to your child. Those 3 things keep coming up in all your posts "grades, friends, sisters".
I'm not exactly sure what 'we love you sounds' means?
"this has really gone no where'- supportative noises, no discussion- well there needs to be discussion.
The fact her sisters know, and now her father knows, and you are the last to know says something. The posts that this child does not want to spend time with you, or you feel like s/he doesnt want to spend time with you was a red flag. You may not come across as understanding, approachable etc. And with the comments of ''no discussion' 'supportative noises' 'gone nowhere' that sounds like you plan on ignoring his/her statements.
Your child is going to be whomever they are going to be, as a parent you need to provide unconditional love and support.

Here are some book recommendations

https://www.amazon.com/Gender-Quest-...ender+workbook

https://www.amazon.com/Trans-Bodies-...J1ST7WAA8Y1VD8

https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-C...7P99B3XQH73101

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Magent...3BH8NV3GVD6EN6

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Rylan...0NVQCFWJ97KSWZ

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#5 of 9 Old 10-13-2017, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, parents! Zebra, thank you. I appreciate the resources and will use them, thanks.

Zebra, DD 3 is fine w/me as far as I can tell. And I do think she is! Wanting more chat w/her, I've kept it to myself, I support her and she does know and let me know she knows. As for her sisters and Dad knowing, I've been travelling and I teach online at night and sleep / backward hrs / my students are in China. DH told me this morning that she said she was eager to speak w/me after school today.

I mention the sisters, friends, interests because they indicate to me that she is happy - those are my indicators. It may be old fashioned, but poor grades and isolation would indicate depression. It may be old fashioned but gender dysphoria would go hand in hand w/ depression? Maybe not. Anyway, she is not / does not seem unhappy.

I was not home last night. DH spoke with her then and this morning....he asked her for a thought report casually; she said she was "not sure" - felt this way not at the start of puberty but after a while into puberty. He says she does not / cannot put a time frame on her thinking. She says she wants to explore this with a therapist and told him she would see her pediatrician.

You can be sure we support each of our daughters in whatever path they take and "whoever" they are. Certainly. So, I did jump in here because it is a welcoming community. I have no idea how speaking w/ DD3 will go. Will it "be clear" ? It is scary. My heart pounds, nothing like this before. There is some PTSS because my biological son was killed in a car accident. This is a shock and there is a trauma feeling. Don't worry, I will be fine with her. We know that her happiness and wellbeing are paramount.
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#6 of 9 Old 10-13-2017, 09:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Caveat: if this is how it is, no argument. But there is some talk about <cringe> "Trans being the new Black" - something SOME kids are using for attention - there are articles. Of course, those authors an agenda.

Deep breathe,....
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#7 of 9 Old 10-13-2017, 09:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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PS, if anyone is reading and has ideas.....this afternoon's talk? Wait for DD to raise the topic? Then just navigate? Any tips for questions? Prompts?

Also, DD is in the dance club...relevant at all, yes, no , why, how? TIA.
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#8 of 9 Old 10-13-2017, 03:53 PM
 
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I guess the only thing you can do is be neutrally supportive, you don't want to force a stance because she finds she needs to oppose you. She may not fully know what she's thinking or feeling yet. Although for some gay people I've known, it was a part of the feeling of who they were/are for a very very long time (including childhood). I don't know if it's a possibility, but maybe she doesn't see herself as a typical female person and is searching for an identity (and acting more "male" may possibly be making her feel more empowered).
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#9 of 9 Old 10-13-2017, 05:13 PM
 
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This is from the DSM-5

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-...nder-dysphoria

I would approach my child and simply say 'is there anything you want to talk about' if the say 'no', leave it at that and simply say 'ok, if you change your mind, im here to listen when you are ready'. There are many ways to communicate, some individuals prefer to talk, some prefer to text, some prefer to journal back and forth.

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