17 y/o SIL dating 27 y/o man - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-15-2004, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, I've never posted in this forum before, mainly b/c my child is only 8 mos old, lol. But I have a bad feeling about this and I want some other opinions from ppl that may be dealing with this problem.

My SIL is 17 years old. She has always been a problem child, (getting arrested, poor performance in school, skipping school, cursing at her family, disrespecting her family, etc). She will be 18 in september.

She is dating a man who is 27 years old. He does not have a job, he lives with his parents, he does not have a driver's license, and I think he has a curfew. All of this sends red flags up to me...it sounds just like a man I knew who was a convicted sex offender.

MIL thinks this guy is 20 y/o, but SIL spilled the beans just recently about his real age, and MIL is fine with it. (some background on MIL, she is 44 and married to a 26 y/o man). I am very suspicious of this guy and I am trying to get his full name so I can look him up on the sex offender database. Also, MIL, SIL and this man are supposed to be moving here, (from CA to FL) and willbe staying with us for a month...If I am not comfortable with this man being around my SIL, how am I supposed to be comfortable with him around my own DD? If I find out he is a sex offender, there is no way he will set foot in my house, (also, MIL owns our house, and I'm worried she will try to trump me on that b/c she likes this guy).

arg! what am i supposed to do? I am usually not this judgemental about something, but there are red flags there, and no one seems to care but me and DH and BIL. So am I over-reacting or what? What is my role as a SIL? am I sticking my nose where it doesnt' belong? DH and BIL think MIL should handle it, but she doesn't care, and I feel like someone should do something. SIL respects me alot, probably more than her own mom, so I'm hoping if I talk to her, she will listen.

help me out! Please!!

~Christy crochetsmilie.gif, mom to DD Sage (12-2003) joy.gif and DS Isaac (04-2012)  babyboy.gif, wife to Josh geek.gif.

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Old 08-15-2004, 05:50 PM
 
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personally, i'd skip the age angle (being married to a younger man myself, why piss your mil off unnecessarily, lol- plus other than the lying, with her this close to 18, it doesn't seem relevant) & concentrate on the fact that this guy makes you suspicious. you don't need a reason (read 'protecting the gift', gavin de becker?) investigate, keep him away from your kids (do you pay rent? do you have a written agreement? if so, i cannot imagine how your mil could 'make' you recieve him into your home) & stay safe.

suse
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Old 08-15-2004, 08:01 PM
 
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Hey is your SIL named Amy and dating a guy named Jeramiah? :P If so .. we're related.

It isn't so much the age that would bother me, but the pretty obvious lack of maturity on both their parts. That boyfriend sounds an awful lot like my BIL, who's a complete and total loser. (27, lives with mommy and daddy, they pay his way and bought his car, they even make his child support payments, has a curfew, can't keep a job longer than his first paycheck .. and so forth.)

Heh I read further and see that your situation sounds like ours a few months ago .. Our IL's sold us our house, but never transferred the deed and kept holding it over ours heads that "we bought and paid for that damn place" (Uhm .. WE PAID YOU FOR IT, CASH.) when we wouldn't let BIL move in here.

How comfortable are you with your MIL? Maybe talk to her or your SIL, and say you don't really mind them staying for a month, but that you're very uncomfortable with SIL's boyfriend, as he's not family and you don't know him well enough to feel comfortable with him being around your little one, and offer to help them (or at least SIL and bf) another place to stay if they want to stay together?
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Old 08-15-2004, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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weebitty, nope its jessaca and jonathan. OT~did they ever give you the deed? that's another post for me too, lol. MIL is about to pay off one house and she could totally pay this one off, but she wants to blow the money on a crazy business that may not ever work in this area, (she's fiscally irresponsable, lol. we've had ppl from her mortgage company show up here afew times b/c she missed payments...that we paid to her to pay to them.)

what made me nervous about this is that this situation is just like what happened to my friend's bro afew years ago, and that's what sent up the red flags for me. my friend's bro is a convicted sex offender and the condition of his release is that he has a curfew, live with his parents, and can't have a license....he is 30 and still has an interest in younger girls. The girl he was convicted for was 13, but he swore he thought she was 17. Now he just dates 18 year-olds, or so he says.

I just found out afew minutes ago from BIL that her BF won't be moving here right away, so hopefully they will have their house set up and be out of mine before he comes. BIL also said that he didn't think this guy would actually go through with the move anyway. we shall see.

~Christy crochetsmilie.gif, mom to DD Sage (12-2003) joy.gif and DS Isaac (04-2012)  babyboy.gif, wife to Josh geek.gif.

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Old 08-17-2004, 05:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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well BIL and DH put an end to it...basically this guy is not coming, he is not moving to FL period, yay!!

whooo...what a load off my shoulders!

~Christy crochetsmilie.gif, mom to DD Sage (12-2003) joy.gif and DS Isaac (04-2012)  babyboy.gif, wife to Josh geek.gif.

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Old 08-17-2004, 09:34 AM
 
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YAY! I'm so happy for you, Mama! And yes, we finally got the deed .. once our lawyer started calling them. Hated having to do it, but was sick of all the crap.
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Old 08-17-2004, 10:51 AM
 
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I was wiht someone 28 years my senior when I was 18-19 years old, However he was retired from owning businesses, owned his own home and provided wa wonderful life for me and the two children we subsequently had. . . . The relationship ended when I was 24. . . .but I was grwoing up druring the time I was wiht him and he was already set in his ways. Not that releationships wiht large age gaps can't work he is my best friend today. But she soulnd like she isn't going to get very far wiht this guy. Good luck to her!

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Old 08-17-2004, 04:43 PM
 
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Yeah, I would be much more worried about everything BUT the age. My husband is 12 years my senior and the best person I've EVER been involved with. And when I was younger, many of my relationships were with older men. However, none of them had any of that stuff going on (a curfew at age 27? Either he has legal issues or EXTREME emotional ones) and that is the stuff that would bother me if I were you.

I'm glad it's all settled (SIL is moving though, right? So she won't be still seeing him?)

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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Old 08-17-2004, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PikkuMyy
I'm glad it's all settled (SIL is moving though, right? So she won't be still seeing him?)
Yes she is moving here to FL and he will be staying in CA. Really, the age thing bothered me at first, but talking to other ppl, I guess that was never the issue I had to begin with. The other stuff bothered me, and it set off alarms in my head. I'm just happy it's resolved.

~Christy crochetsmilie.gif, mom to DD Sage (12-2003) joy.gif and DS Isaac (04-2012)  babyboy.gif, wife to Josh geek.gif.

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