Let me preface this by saying that I am not writing anything from a place of judgement on you. I'm coming from the place of someone who remembers very, very clearly what it is like to be a seventeen-year-old girl. I hear that you are frustrated, and I hope that something I manage to say can help in some way.
It sounds like you need a clean slate to start with. You can't control your daughter, but you can control your own emotions. Find a way to get your anger in check. You are very angry with your daughter, and it is affecting your interactions with her. Picture her as a sweet little baby, spend an hour writing down all of the wonderful things you love about her, anything to get you back to a place where you are centered on your love for her, not your frustration.
Here's the thing that jumps out at me-- basically you are saying that you are allowing your daughter to have sex in your house, but on your terms. That must be an extremely confusing message to your daughter. You are giving her permission to do a very adult thing, yet demanding that you maintain a certain degree of control over the situation, and that control seems to be arbitrated with no consistency from what you said. It seems to me like the best thing to do would be to ban the boyfriend spending the night thing altogether. That won't keep them from having sex, but it will take you out of it.
She very well could flip out if you do this, but that doesn't mean you have to flip out back at her. My mom was very reactionary when it came to me and my brothers. My father, however, was the master at laying down the law, listening to us scream and protest, and not budge an inch unless he thought he was wrong. You do not have to engage in a screaming match with her. Tell her that you are willing to talk to her, but you will not allow her to verbally abuse you. By the same token, you have to be willing to admit that maybe you haven't handled the situation as well as you could have in the past. Don't yell. Just don't. She isn't listening to you, anyway. If you need to vent frustration, write about in a journal or scream in the shower or into a pillow. Just don't yell because it only makes things worse, every single time. My mom was a yeller, and never once did her yelling "get through" to me. It shut me down.
I don't know if you just sounded this way because you are frustrated, but if you are seriously considering kicking her out of the house, you and your daughter might benefit from some kind of mediation or counseling together. It sounds like the boundaries you have with each other are not clearly defined and that is a difficult way to maintain a relationship.