I am ready to kick my 17 year old daughter out of the house! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 08-22-2004, 03:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Suffice it to say that she is often a real B%@#H! The words she chooses to speak to me with are outrageous. I am an open, accepting and supportive parent who has never subscribed to physical punishment or verbal abuse, yet my daughter has this whole way of being that makes it seem like somebody else raised her.

Thanks to her, however, my voice is growing more and more powerful in the face of her amazing onslaughts, which she needs, I feel.

The reason I feel like kicking her out is because she flips out on me if I don't let her boyfriend spend the night whenever she asks.

I am cool with it sometimes, because I'd rather them be here where it's safe than somewhere they might be compromised. Unfortunately, she has decided that it should be whenever she wants it to be and not on my terms.

I feel like as long as she is still in my house, in my care and certainly not paying rent, I need to keep strong limits in this area. I already feel too lenient as it is.

So when I say no to a visit from him it's F_ _ _ you! and SHut up, etc.

Well I feel like she is taking my generosity for granted or some kind of weakness and I'm over it and want her gone.......

Feedback, commonalities or advice?

Thanks for listening
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#2 of 12 Old 08-22-2004, 05:17 AM
 
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Well, from the perspective of someone who's mom let her do that sort of thing when she was a teenager, I can tell you that all I wanted my mom to do was tell me, "No, I will not allow you to do that because you are worth more than that." Just once I wish she had told me that I didn't need to have sex with boys. Just once I wish she had told me that I was better than that. I would never allow my teenage child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night.

Do you have reasons why sometimes this is alright and sometimes it isn't? Do you explain to her what those reasons are? Why wouldn't she expect that she should be able to do whatever she wants as long as it doesn't disturb someone else? If you allow it sometimes, why not all the time? Do you see what I'm getting at here?

If you have a valid reason why tonight is not a good night for her boyfriend to stay over, then discuss this with her and tell her that you expect her to respect that reason. Ask her to arrange it with you ahead of time so that you can make sure there will be no conflicts. If it is arbitrary and based on your sometimes morality that maybe allowing her to sleep with her boyfriend is wrong, than I think she has a point.

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#3 of 12 Old 08-22-2004, 06:07 AM
 
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Let me preface this by saying that I am not writing anything from a place of judgement on you. I'm coming from the place of someone who remembers very, very clearly what it is like to be a seventeen-year-old girl. I hear that you are frustrated, and I hope that something I manage to say can help in some way.

It sounds like you need a clean slate to start with. You can't control your daughter, but you can control your own emotions. Find a way to get your anger in check. You are very angry with your daughter, and it is affecting your interactions with her. Picture her as a sweet little baby, spend an hour writing down all of the wonderful things you love about her, anything to get you back to a place where you are centered on your love for her, not your frustration.

Here's the thing that jumps out at me-- basically you are saying that you are allowing your daughter to have sex in your house, but on your terms. That must be an extremely confusing message to your daughter. You are giving her permission to do a very adult thing, yet demanding that you maintain a certain degree of control over the situation, and that control seems to be arbitrated with no consistency from what you said. It seems to me like the best thing to do would be to ban the boyfriend spending the night thing altogether. That won't keep them from having sex, but it will take you out of it.

She very well could flip out if you do this, but that doesn't mean you have to flip out back at her. My mom was very reactionary when it came to me and my brothers. My father, however, was the master at laying down the law, listening to us scream and protest, and not budge an inch unless he thought he was wrong. You do not have to engage in a screaming match with her. Tell her that you are willing to talk to her, but you will not allow her to verbally abuse you. By the same token, you have to be willing to admit that maybe you haven't handled the situation as well as you could have in the past. Don't yell. Just don't. She isn't listening to you, anyway. If you need to vent frustration, write about in a journal or scream in the shower or into a pillow. Just don't yell because it only makes things worse, every single time. My mom was a yeller, and never once did her yelling "get through" to me. It shut me down.

I don't know if you just sounded this way because you are frustrated, but if you are seriously considering kicking her out of the house, you and your daughter might benefit from some kind of mediation or counseling together. It sounds like the boundaries you have with each other are not clearly defined and that is a difficult way to maintain a relationship.
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#4 of 12 Old 08-22-2004, 06:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife
Well, from the perspective of someone who's mom let her do that sort of thing when she was a teenager, I can tell you that all I wanted my mom to do was tell me, "No, I will not allow you to do that because you are worth more than that." Just once I wish she had told me that I didn't need to have sex with boys. Just once I wish she had told me that I was better than that. I would never allow my teenage child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night.
I concur.

My parents were the same way. They wanted me to be independent and make my own decisions, so I never really had limits on anything. I went to bed when I wanted, ate what I wanted, etc. They felt that natural consequences were the best teachers.

They also raised me to believe that casual sex was okay and that everybody did it. They taught me all about protection but never implied that sex was something for people who loved each other. I'll just say I have a lot of regrets from my teen years, and I don't plan on bringing up my children that way. I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything; I know I'm not a perfect parent and that I do things others disagree with. I just think that even teens need limits and guidance. My oldest is coming up on 13, and if he ever told me to f*** off he would lose some serious privileges.....even if he were 17. I don't speak that way to him and I expect the same courtesy.

I think consistency is important no matter what your philosophies, though. If you plan on letting her boyfriend sleep over, it shouldn't be okay sometimes and not okay other times.
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#5 of 12 Old 08-22-2004, 11:09 PM
 
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Unless you have gone through a terrible teen struggle, I don't think anyone can tell you what it is like. Being a teenager is not much help in being a mom of a teenager. I had to tell my son a number of times that if he couldn't be a respectful member of the family, he couldn't live with me- and then follow through. If you switched the information and reported that your husband was treating you this way you would have 500 angry mommas telling you that you deserved better, get out, here is the 1-800 number, what can we do to help. I won't live with any one abusing me... including my son. Here is the good news- he is turning 20 next month and loves me completely, treats me, his friends, his family, his girlfriend, all with respect. He knows that his problems are his problems, and that I always will love him. Attachment parenting pays off down the line, but the stronger the attachment, the tougher the seperation can be. Good luck!

Maureen
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#6 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 12:28 AM
 
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MsMoMpls-- it doesn't sound like the mother in this case is treating the daughter with much respect and consistency. You can't expect a teenager to abide by rules that are laid down arbitrarily with no expectation of what is to come next.

Comparing what a teenager says to a woman to what a man says is just silly. The imbalance of power is tipped the other way in this situation. None of us said it was okay for her daughter to speak to her this way, we offered suggestions as to why we think this might be and how to help her put an end to it.

And it isn't like those of us that responded are fresh out of our teens or anything. If you go into this not caring what the teenager might be thinking, I can't see how you could get anywhere. We were trying to offer a perspective that maybe she had not thought about.

The agression your daughter is expressing is coming from somewhere, and you need to figure out where it is coming from. She isn't just some awful bitch, she is your daughter. Please love her and help her.
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#7 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 02:10 AM
 
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I have a teenage child. He's not 17 yet. He's just 13, but he's definitely getting that teenage attitude going. So, I know what it's like to have a teenage child disrespect you. However, as the parent and adult, it is my job to care for my child until he can care for himself. I do agree that there may be some times when a child has to be removed from the home. If the child is a danger to herself or others and the parents cannot help her, she should be put in a hospital where she can get help. However, I tend to think that is for only very severe cases. I don't like the idea in this country that everyone else except for the family is capable of caring for their family members.

I don't see this as one of those situation, though, based on what has been posted. There may be other things going on that have not been disclosed. The first thing I would do is approach the child with love. It will take more than one time. You will have to approach everything with love and empathy before the child will trust you.

Tell your daughter that you care about her too much to watch her do what she is doing. Admit that you've made a mistake by allowing her boyfriend to spend the night. You thought that you were protecting to her but now you see things differently. This is, of course, assuming that is the issue. If that's not the issue, then it would seem that you need to look at your own behavior and be honest about whether your rules make sense or not.

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#8 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 02:18 AM
 
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what Mothra said,
I have raised someone else's teen ds to adulthood that they kicked out for not obeying their house rules - he grew into a very responsible man who is now married and has his own dc.
I would encourage you to look at that as a last straw because she is a minor, you are legally responsible for her actions and the act of pushing a child out of the house wrecks the teen & makes a crack in the bond between parent and child that will never be whole again, you can try to fix it later but like anything glued back together it will be more fragile
- it is devastating to a teen to be told they are unworthy of being with their mom or dad. She just wants to have sex with her bf, which you already have given your consent to. IMHO Since she is already sexually active and has had her bf over with your permission, you are not going to be able to stop her from having sex when and where she wants. This is a battle you are not going to win- is it worth losing your dc over?? Is your life going to really be better off with her outta the house?? Or will that just open a pandora's box of crap to deal with that is going to make you much more angry and scared for her.

I would try to get a third person in to help negotiate the house rules for the future and then both of you need to be consistent and follow through, you also might want to speak to her bf with her present. If this was my dc, I would make really really sure she understands it is her actions that have set you off, not her as a person being unlovable.
(((hug)))

mom to ds16, ds10, ds7 and dd turning 5
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#9 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 02:30 AM
 
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If she treats you that way, then take the lead! I would of never spoken to my mother that way for fear of having a boot up you know where. If she can not follow rules take her to jails that have "scare"programs. Show her what the streets can really offer her by calling your local attorney and getting a list of the progams they offer. This is serious, and if all the reality progams don't work send her to me. I would put her in a program in alaska in the middle of nowhere that should straighten her out. The point is you need to get tough because you have only a precious few months of total authority under the law with her.
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#10 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 09:45 AM
 
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Personally, I don't think you can "get tough" with a kid after 17 years and expect it to go well. That's a recipe for resentment and estrangement.

Kids need consistency more than boot camp.
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#11 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 10:38 AM
 
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Ok-maybe I sound a bit harsh. I don't mean tossing your kid into the street or abandoning them. I mean- taking a relationship break. "If you don't like my way, maybe you should try someone elses." See if your daughter can live with a grandparent or other family member for a while. They almost always come home more respectful. As teenagers, you have no control over their choices, they need to chose to live respectfully because they appreciate the value of being a member of the family.

Maureen
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#12 of 12 Old 08-23-2004, 12:13 PM
 
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My oldest DS is 22 now. He had terrible teen years. He has an anger problem due to our divorce and moving to another country. But that is another story. Unfortunately he would refuse any counsleing I brough him to and not participate. They told me they could not do anything for him. He would get violent in the house. Well to make a long story short, he got violent with his younger sister and left a mark on her face. I called child protective services that night and had him removed from the house. He was in a foster home for a year and half till 18. He then called me (we had been in touch all along) and said how he wanted to come back to live with us. I let him come and he stayed with us without incident until he got his own apartment just two months ago. He still has an anger thing going on but keeps it in check. That is unfortunate. I have suggested yoga, counseling etc but he is not open. I feel bad for him and love him very much. WE are exceptionally close in spite of the split we had. I have said all this to say that sometimes there is no choice but to "put the kid out". He learned I was not going to accept that extreme behaviour. He tried to have his GF spend the night when he lived with me and I said NO way. No argument this time. He knows I mean business. I told him when he is independent , he "can do what he wants". WEll he is independent and does just that. WE only raise them to let them go and hopefully be productive members of society and for themselves. I feel that a mixed message has been given to the young lady in question in this case and it has brought about confusion. So now she is pusing the buttons. And when a 17 year old pushes the buttons it can be a big problem. I agree with the above posters in this case. If your DD exhibits extreme problems with violence etc and outside forces cannot help for whatever reason then I feel she can be put out but not to the street. I would call protective services in those cases. Being a mother is not easy.
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