Sneaking Out - NEED IDEAS for Appropriate Consequences of a 13 yr Old Girl - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 21 Old 10-30-2004, 06:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sooooo.... I had a call at 2:30 am from my 13 year old daughters boyfriends mom (which she's not supposed to have a Boyfriend but does anyway) asking me to check to see if she's in her room because her son was not in his bed and his brother said that he and my daughter had plans to sneak out together....

So I walked down stairs and sure enough the only thing in her bed was her dirty clothes, made to look like she was under the covers.. Her screen from her window was under her bed.... and there was also rolls of toilette paper under her bed, she must have had TP plans, and had forgotten them in her rush to get out of the house...

So I always swore to her I would never read her diary... But I thought I should look thru her notes to find phone #s of any of her friends she might be with... Then of course I came across a number of entries where she states that she has basically been sneaking out of the house A LOT and vandalizing, drinking, smoking, heavy making out stories etc. etc.. in her entrees, she calls her self a slut and even refers to one of her guy friends as her Pimp!!!! and did I mention she's failing at least 2 of her classes...

I've threatened to send her to boarding school but cant' really afford it.. I'm totally at a loss as how to punish this behavior.. Her step dad thinks we should take everything away for an indefinite amount of time 6-12 months...

I've had her going to a consoler once a week and I've felt like this is a waist of time and money as the consoler always says she's a sweet girl etc.. etc... My daughter has her snowballed.. I don't think she's going to change and my worst fear is that she will not get on track no matter what I do and this behavior may follow her into adult hood..

Any ideas?

P.S. She came home at 4:30... She wasn't very upset that she had been busted....
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#2 of 21 Old 10-30-2004, 08:57 PM
 
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Wow! I know someday I will be dealing with this kind of situation. I almost snuck out when I was a teenager, but never got up the guts.

Your daughter doesn't realize how dangerous it is to sneak out of the house. There are so many things that can happen to her.


But I do believe the more you try to keep her from seeing her "boyfriend" the more she will go behind her back to do this. I know from experience because I used to do that as a teenager. Can you allow her to do some safe time with her boyfriend? Such as going to the mall for a few hours, the movies, skating rink etc.. Is she able to talk to him on the phone? Perhaps, if she had some safe place to spend time with him she wouldn't sneak around.

She does seem a little young to have a boyfriend. Yet it seems to me like kids are taking on adult lives a lot sooner than they did a few years ago.

I wish you luck and hope I'm not butting in since I don't have teens of my own. But I do remember all too well the dangerous situations I put myself into just to hang out with some boy.
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#3 of 21 Old 10-30-2004, 11:26 PM
 
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You can't send her to boarding school- they wouldn't take her anyway. And if you are here on MDC you believe in attachment so don't back off on attachment now when she needs it most.

I suggest a little home grown boot camp. The natural consequence of what she has done is that you can't trust her and she will need some time to rebuild your trust. If you have the resources- mainly enough family help- she needs 24 hour supervision, treat her like a 4 year old. You may have to move her bedroom, take off her door, lock her windows- whatever you can do to be sure you know where she is. Drive her to school, pick her up, only see her friends on supervised "playdates". If she manages that for a few weeks, give her some 10 year old freedom- let her go to a friends house or something. The only way to regain your trust is to have some freedom and show you she can handle it.

The really hard part is trying to keep loving her, protecting her, worrying about her because she is going to try everything she can to shake you loose. She will try and get you convinced that she really doesn't matter, that she is right to devalue herself. Don't give her that.

I also strongly encourage you to find a good family therapist. Maybe ask someone at her school for a recommedation.

Hang in there- just remember you got through her 2s- this is the same. Just manage her temper tantrums.

Maureen
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#4 of 21 Old 10-30-2004, 11:53 PM
 
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I feel like I really need to step in here. A few things about your post stuck out to me. One was the mention of precocious sexuality and another was the mention of a stepfather. I just wonder, where is her bio father? What is their relationship like? Is she close to her step father? Have you been married long? At age 13, girls who are looking for affection from boys are often feeling like they are no longer getting the kind of physical/emotional affection they used to get from their father/father figure. It might be time to start planning sporting events with dear ole Dad (or step dad as the case may be.) I went through some similar experiences as a teen, but my Dad was the most punitive man alive and it only made me resent him more. He was already strict enough and when I got caught sneaking out to see the boy he told me I was too young to have as a boyfriend he really cracked down. I was already suffocated and didn't feel trusted and then it got worse. I was miserable and I really believe that is the wrong approach. It took us a long time to recover our relationship from that. My dad's behavior really pushed me closer to the boy. I would have probably liked him for a week or so and then dumped him if my dad hadn't forbid me to see him.

I think creating an environment where she is allowed to see him while you are around to chapperone is much smarter. She's obviously already suffering from low self esteem, which is quite common for girls in early adolescence. She needs to know you and her father figure (whether that be dad or step dad) value her. Carve out some family time and give her some safe freedom along with some responsibilities. It sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you. What a tough age. I wouldn't do 13 again if you paid me. Hugs to you all.
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#5 of 21 Old 10-30-2004, 11:55 PM
 
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Okay, since this is an AP board, I'm wondering if you can try to reconnect with her even in ways she doesn't want necessarily. For example, can you or dh sleep in her room in a sleeping bag to make sure she doesn't sneak out anymore. You can tell her that you are doing this because you care about her, and she may be mad but it's for her own good. Tell her that when she was a baby you sometimes had to give her medicine or suction her nose or change her diaper even when she was kicking and screaming because you loved her.

Show her photos of herself as a baby and talk about how much you loved her, how sweet and beautiful she was. Say things like, " I always knew you would turn out to be (fill in the blank-- smart, a good friend, etc.). Sounds like she really needs a good self esteem boost right now.

Also, how his her relationship with your dh? Because I heard once that if her relationship with the leading male in her life is good, then she won't feel the need to seek out love and affection from other males.

Does she feel valued in the family? Does she feel that she has a role in anything? Maybe point out how you need her, and what you feel she contributes to the family, how it wouldn't be the same without her, how you miss her being around. Have her help you make dinner, or have her even be in charge of picking what's for dinner every Friday. Just little things.

For a consequence, I would just say that you can't trust her right now, and you care enough to stop her from doing this kind of thing. If it was my dd, I would say she had to be home from school right after school, no more outings with friends although they are welcome to come to your house. You will be glad to drive them to the movies or whatever, as long as you can go too.

Just keep a tight rein and try to rebuild the relationship and trust. Let her earn some baby steps back such as meeting friends at the mall for 2 hours and then you pick her up. If she meets you at the designated spot at the designated time, then she earns other things. If she raises her grades, then she can earn the right to other things. Baby steps.

This is not punishment. This is protecting your dd from herself. Your job is not always to make her love you or be her friend, it's to raise a child who is responsible. Sounds like she has a lot of reviewing to do in that area.

If she's mad because someone is sleeping in her room with her, well you know, you are protecting her from being raped on the street, doing drugs, all those things. Right now her job is to keep her grades up.

Have you considered homeschooling? I don't know if that's an option or not, but if you are concerned that school is putting peer pressure on her and hurting her self-esteem, it might be a good idea. I don't know if you work full time or not, or if it's possible.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I hope this gets resolved soon. I can't imagine the worry and sadness you must be feeling right now.

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#6 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 04:23 AM
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Perhaps having her bedroom downstairs and yours upstairs isn't a good plan.

What is your life with her like? Do you spend time together? What does she like to do?

Dar

 
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#7 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry in advance for the long post but I’ve got a lot to respond to.…

Thank you all I see really good advice and comments from each of you... I like the "moving her into our bedroom" for a while idea (that's the best immediate solution).... as her room is on the bottom floor at the opposite end of the house and we don't hear a thing... Another idea is that we may have a full on security system put in too (obviously that will take some time to put in place)...

Additionally I'll have to keep better tabs on her like drop and pick up from school, etc... 24 hour supervision is what she needs...

I'll try to find a new counselor....

As an answer to a few of the questions form each of you...

The self esteem issue is huge... Her bio dad is not in the picture and its better that way... I've told her a bit about him and gave her some pictures of him but he's a really bad guy... I was 16 when I met him and he was a 26 year old felon who I met in a sobriety house at an AA meeting!!! WE were together for 3 years and I had her when I was 19... After her birth he tried to kill me and I had to take my daughter to live in a safe house out of town and I sent him to jail... So needless to say I've been avoiding him and discouraged her from having relationship with him but I know this is a big hole in her heart that she's trying to fill... and I totally recognize this...

Her step dad does the best he can with trying to do things with her but there will never be that true paternal bond between them as both my daughter and husband have strong personalities which creates tension between them and constant power struggles... And I of course am always in the middle as the mediator trying to back him up (even though I don't always agree with him).

The really big issue is that we have totally different' parenting views. He was raised by a tyrant and I was raised by a shell shocked Vietnam vet and a flower child... I am very easy going and take the "she'll turn out fine point of view". He thinks she going to end up p[regnant and in prison and that we should punish to the extreme. For example no phone, TV, going to the mall or any real privileges for months on end. Also, because she's being so provocative and has raging hormones he took her to buy super boring clothes to replace her current wardrobe of tight pants and cute tops as.... (This may be a little cruel but I’m ok with this as she's dressing way too provocatively)... But I do think creating individuality is important... (As teenager, I had a Mohawk and nose piercing by the time I was 13) She would do the same; if I let her, but I told her no way can she dress like that... Unless she's getting straight A's and then she can do what ever she wants as long as she keeps her grades up and respects the rules of the general population.

Lastly, because I’m a new member to this site, I don't really know the views of this board but I like it so far. I found the site when I plugged in a search for "sneaking out consequences and this board popped up.

Thank you for you help.

Sincerely,
Punnky
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#8 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 04:13 PM
 
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Glad you found us- welcome.

However, be aware that MDC is mostly about mothers of little ones- nursing, cloth diapering, committed to GD (Gental Discipline). Just know the politics, views of where you are, I suggest you look around some as you post.

Self esteem is a pet peeve of mine, I won't go into how messed up our society has gotten around a concept that wasn't even around 50 years ago. But- your kid's self esteem should be pretty low- what has she done lately to be really proud of? Get her doing something other than being sexy. Maybe part of her consequences could be vollunteer work. What really matters to her? She is doing the best she can think of in finding her power. I think many of us can remember a time when our power was in making men crazy. That one just isn't going to work for me anymore, it is good I found some other interests.

Be careful about giving her permission to use her feelings about her father as some kind of excuse for her behavior. The story is rough but honestly it sounds like she has one parent who is there for her and loves her dearly, a supportive stepparent. To some extent, you need to get her to see it isn't that bad, that there are a lot of people in the world who do amazing things with a lot less. Don't feel sorry for her. It just won't do her any good. This is the life she was handed, she better figure out how to make music.

Good luck.

Maureen
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#9 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 07:55 PM
 
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USAmma I agree with you.

I would think about how much time I spent with her in the last week and double that next week. Take time off work if you need to or pull her out of school and spend time helping her catch up with her studies.
Sending her off normally backfires pulling her close even if it feels to her like punishment can help things in the long run. That is a great idea about sharing a bedroom.
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#10 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 08:29 PM
 
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Well, whatever you do, don't do what my father did: he glued my windows shut and put a lock on the outside of my door. I guess in his mind it worked, I didn't sneak out of the house anymore. But we never talked about anything, never tried to come to an understanding, never asked for my view on what "rules" I should have. All it did was make me sit in my room and get madder and madder so when I turned 16, I left and never went back. Here it is, 20 years later, and we have just now started to talk to each other after 20 years of silence. And that's only because I got in touch with him via email to tell him he had a granddaughter.
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#11 of 21 Old 10-31-2004, 11:12 PM
 
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I was a sneaker-outer, but I never did anything illegal or terribly interesting. I was your daughter's age when I started. I only did it a few times a year. There was a little kissing going on, but mostly we were just out being silly. We would go to the elementary school and play on the swings or we would all just sit around and talk. There were usually 4 to 6 of us, and it was just daring, not malicious. When my parents found out, I don't recall there being severe punishment.

I can tell you what kept me from doing things that were bad ideas. For one, I had VERY serious goals. I knew that if I got arrested, pregnant or let my grades slip, I would not have a chance of becoming the things that I wanted. Talk to her about her long-term goals and the short-term goals she needs to set to accomplish them. No need to make it into a strategic planning session, but this will give you an idea of where she sees her life going and that you are interested in helping her achieve her goals.

I completely agree with the PPs. She needs to get positive male attention, and it really does not seem like step-dad or dad are good options. What about your father or an uncle or someone trustworthy who can give her positive reinforcement from a guy. My neighbor's daugher recently called off her wedding. Her dad had taken her on dates as long as she could remember, everything from baseball games to the symphony. She said she realized that this guy was OK, but she wanted someone who treated her as well as her dad did. I think that is a pretty powerful testament.

Goodluck! There probably will not be any dramatic, overnight changes, but you are such a great mom for seeking resources that will help your daughter.
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#12 of 21 Old 11-01-2004, 12:55 AM
 
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Hi... just to preface, i would like to say that I'm not a mom, but I lurk on this board because I am interested in AP. This thread caught my eye though, and I just had to respond. I wish that I could emphasise how much I agree with the PP that a strong father figure is so much a part of keeping girls out of trouble. I have seen this over and over the past 10 yrs of my life (my teens) with all of my girlfriends. Please, please, let her know that some guy (even if its her dad, stepdad, granduncle) thinks that she is fabulous just for being her.

Also, although, sleeping in her room and getting a security system might be good immediate solutions (and by all means do it, your daughters physical saftey is paramount), perhaps instead of treating her more like a child, prepare her for the future. Ask her what her goals are... make her think about the future... weather that be a career, marrying that boyfriend and having kids... college or being a firefighter. It doesnt matter as long as you have got her thinking! Then talk to her and try to get her to understand how her present behavior really will effect her future. And if you think that she's not listening- keep talking; and keep talking and keep talking. Believe me, teens do think (although it might not be apparent) and what you say means more to them than the world (honest). As for the actuall punishment, ground her for as long as you like! Take away allowence ect. You dont have to be popular, just have to be a mom.

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#13 of 21 Old 11-01-2004, 02:36 AM
 
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wow, it scares me to think that I might be in your shoes a few years from now.

Looking back I know I gave my parents a run for their money. I snuck out of the house to meet with my boyfriend and we never did anything illegal but my parents never believed it. So they sent me to boarding school on the other side of the country. It worked and I loved boarding school actually. Now I know that isn't very AP and I pray that I will never be in that situation with my DD, but in all honesty it was the best thing for me. I only wish they had left me there for the rest of highschool instead of just one year.

My home was seriously disfunctional (I was still being spanked for punishment in highschool) and getting out of it was the best thing for me. I was also determined to do well on my own to prove that my parents were the problem and not me. This kind of back fired since my improved grades and amazing school involvement led them to believe I was "cured" and they made me come home. So I left for good at 18. Anyway I share that just so you have some backround on where I come from.

You mentioned some tension between your DD and her step dad and that you always back him up. I think you are so right that you ought to back him up and be a team as parents, but do you think she might feel a bit like she has no one on her side? Does she have any other adults that she looks to as role models or confide in? Is she close to an aunt or uncle or grandparent? Could they weigh in? I know that at 13 I couldn't stand to listen to my mom and my dad was gone on business alot, I felt pretty alone. I wasn't too good at focusing on the future either, I think I was depressed enough to simply not care.................but too much of a control freak to try drugs, alcohol or sex. But I also loved playing music (viola) and had lots of really good friends who were into music. Mozart on friday nights may have been the only thing that made adolesence bearable.

Does your DD have a positive hobby you could really re-enforce? Music, soccer, dance, chess, pottery, art, anything? Something like that may be a good way for her to develope some self esteem and the friends she makes in the process will probably be more positive. Someone mentioned volunteer work and that sounds like a good idea to me. I think teens often have a hard time seeing beyond their own often ego centric worlds. Sometimes I think the world is moving so fast for them that they are doing all they can just to hang on. Really reaching out and helping people or animals could be a great self esteem builder and maybe another way to meet some interesting and positive people.

I don't have any creative ideas for consequenses. I'm still trying to sort out my own mess with that stuff so I don't inflict it on my DD. I'm keeping a journal for her, I write her a letter at least once a month telling her all the amazing things she's done, how she has blessed our lives, and how much I love her. I hope to give them to her on some happy occasion, but I also know that we might end up in a place where we aren't talking much to each other and she's sneaking out of the house and driving me insane; I'd give them to her then so she knows how much I loved her then (now) and that I love her more now (some time in the future) but can't find the right words to tell her so. I'm really hoping for the happy scenerio, but genetics and family history aren't in our favor.

Do you have anything like that? Letters you've written to or about her that she can read on her own? A babybook? Artwork? Maybe a poem...........not even one you've written perhaps but one that expreses well how you feel.

I don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but know that I feel for you and send you hugs and hope things get better.
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#14 of 21 Old 11-08-2004, 07:22 PM
 
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I too, am a former sneak outer. I was going down the block to meet a boyfriend. I was grounded, of course.

This sounds a trifle more serious. Sex with several partners is dangerous nowdays. In the 80's we really only feared pregnancy.

I like Us mama's advice about sleeping in her room or her in yours.
I would strip her room of all luxuries and remind her that extras are a priveledge and not required by law for a parent to give a child. Get her a tutor for the schoolwork. See if you can find her a mentor. Perhaps a reformed "bad girl" who can tell her she's better off with parents who care. Schedule time to walk and talk with her. Or a long drive where she really has to listen.

If she is firmly entrenched with bad kids for peers, you may need to consider a move. A fresh start.
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#15 of 21 Old 11-13-2004, 02:59 PM
 
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Hate to be the one raising this point, but since it hasn't been stated by anyone else..

ugh..

Could she have been raped or molested...

FOr my personal experience it could explain some...
So here's my personal experience..

I was raped in my late teen (18 actually).. I avoided men for 6 months.. I was shell shocked.. Then I had sex with anything that moved.. I felt like a whore so why shouldn't I be treated like one.. I'm really concerned this could be an issue with your dd..

Also.. For her behavior.. I would have her sleep in a sleeping bag on your bedroom floor or move her bed into your room for a good month.. Install a bell on the outside of the door so she can't silence it when trying to sneak out (and I am sure she will) so it will wake you..

Then move her into her own room or a closer room with just her bed 2 sheets and a blanket, and her dresser.. Period.. That's it.. For another month..

All this time she is home.. Under supervision..

You need to explain to her the seriousness of her actions.. What she did was SERIOUSLY irresponsible.. So these are SERIOUSE consequences.. Explain your love for her.. And your concern.. Your fear over her actions..

On your dh.. You guys need a united front definately.. But YOU are her mother.. YOU are the one who needs to be establishing the rules, and as her step-father he needs to be backing YOUR decisions up.. Not the other way around.. She is your daughter.. He is simply her mother's husband.. KWIM.. Regardless of how fond he is of her, and she of him that is what it comes down to.. YOU love her unconditionally.. He may not.. At least in her mind..

Write down your expectations of her.. Clear.. Concise.. And the consequences for breaking those rules.. Also clear and concise.. That way your dh isn't left to his own reasoning about what you would consider appropriate punishment..

Best of Luck and Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan

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#16 of 21 Old 11-14-2004, 01:07 AM
 
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Do you think she and her boyfriend are really in love? That they care about each other a great deal? Because, if so, I think you should accept him into your lives ALONG WITH setting clear limits and consequences. No sneaking out, for starters, no skimpy clothes (and be very clear-- no exposed belly button, elbows covered, whatever. Try to come to an agreement with her. She cna look stylish but not slutty, KWIM?). She might actually want you to set some clear limits for her. What kinds of things do you think are appropriate for them to do together?

But the fact that she is calling herself a slut at the boyfriend her pimp makes me think this is not true love. Honestly, it sounds like a very bad situation.

She's having sex with this guy, I assume. Are they using condoms? Some other kind of brith control? Are you going to try to stop her from having sex? I know you said she just wrote about making out, but if she is sneaking out and drinking, it's not to just hold hands with this guy.
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#17 of 21 Old 11-14-2004, 01:22 AM
 
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I really agree with pynki. You and your dh need to be on the same page with her. If you don't agree with his rules, you need to let him know that it is your daughter adn you make the rules. My mother tried to side with her boyfriend instead of us and it created a lot of tension that wouldn't have been there if she had been able to stand her ground more. Your daughter is not as connected with your dh and she needs to feel your support.

Having said that, I snuck out a lot, did drugs, had sex all by the age of 14. Looking back, I regret a lot of what I did. I wish my parents had set more rules and stood by them. I think it tis totally within your rights to treat her like she has lost your trust, because she has. And if she hasn't been molested yet, she will be. She needs to know this. I didn't understand what I was getting into when I hung out with kids who sold cocaine. I had noooo idea. I am sure that she doesn't either. At 13, you can't invision the end results. She is still a kid, even if she won't admit it.

Good luck with everything. And for the record, most kids do turn out all right even if they are horrible teenagers. I did, I am know a pre-law major and I have a good relationship with my parents. Trust that it will be ok.

Louise
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#18 of 21 Old 11-15-2004, 02:44 PM
 
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I did all kinds of things that would probably be seen as shocking by folks here, but I was never molested, nor did I ever get into any "real" trouble. Certain things might lead to more trouble for some people but they don't for everyone, maybe even the vast majority of everyone. And efforts to ground your child will usually only result in more resourcefulness and deception on the part of the child who's doing it anyway, as well as closing them off to you entirely. The problem with reading a teenager's diary is not only the invasion of privacy but that much of what is written there may not be true. Teens, esp young teens, often glorify their exploits in their diaries and experiment with downright fiction - I know I did. I also know I never forgave my mother for reading my diary and nothing excuses it. If you need the information, you need to find it another way. The ends do not justify those means. That may be an unpopular opinion but I am a young enough mother still to see things from a teenage point of view. You talk about your daughter's need to earn your trust back, but it will be very, very difficult to earn hers back.

Rather than punishments and groundings and so on I agree with those who have suggested more involvement in the positive things- school and so forth. Does she have extra curriculars? She should be in some kind of sport; everyone should. If her relationship with stepdad is weird her sleeping in your room sounds like a terrible idea. She needs her privacy.

With my neighbors' kids my dh and I have impressed on them the need to call your mom when you say you will, be home on time unless you call and make other arrangements, call when you will be even a few minutes late. Not only does this lead to an increase in privileges it is good practice for the work environment, where a shocking number of people do not do this. Part of why my parents had no idea what I was doing was I called, I was home on time unless I called, I gave them numbers where they could reach me if they wanted to and I was staying overnight. I lied a lot and they wouldn't have liked where I was, but I was with safe, good people (they wouldn't have thought so but these folks are my friends to this day) and never got into trouble. So my parents' lessons about who's a good person and how to protect oneself definitely went in. I did not inherit their values about premarital sex or politics or drugs or all kinds of things, but I never got hurt.

What would have helped me a lot is if my parents had taken more time and interest in my everyday life, like schoolwork and extracurriculars and what I had to do to get ready for college. I doubt anything would have changed what I did the rest of the time, but I also have such happy memories of all the "bad" things I did, and wouldn't trade them. Rather than come down on this one bad thing, build up the other good things, and examine your daughter's friends to see if your ideas of curfew, allowance, activities, etc, really are mismatched with her peers' parents. Not that you should change your values based on other people's, but sometimes "everyone else" really does have it, and at least you can be aware of and explain your position to your dd.
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#19 of 21 Old 11-17-2004, 06:40 AM
 
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"P.S. She came home at 4:30... She wasn't very upset that she had been busted...."

Maybe she was RELEIVED that she had been busted? I think she's asking for more involvment from you.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#20 of 21 Old 11-17-2004, 07:41 AM
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you've received lot's of good ideas. please seek couple's therapy in addition to your daughter's therapy. individuals operate within family systems, not independently. family therapy is also good, but should not happen without couple's therapy, i think. you and your husband need some privacy to work out issues of decision-making, communication and compromise, and support. then your united front will be one you can believe in. we try to go 2x a month. specifically seek a couple's therapist. (interview them on the phone and then make appointments with 2 of them and choose between them. that has worked for us.)

new idea: what is the difference between a consequence....like a punishment, and a life consequence. this is something i've been working on with my 8 year old. "what are the real consequences of lying?" for example, and how do you feel about them? she has to come up with lists of all the possible consequences of her behavior. they have to come from her own logic. then she has to ask herself if she is willing to accept those consequences. not that you let her proceed with unsafe behavior, even if she is short-sighted. the real consequences are not the ones you are about to impose upon her, the real consequences are about what kind of person she will become and how well her life will work for her.

if you decide to let her have time with the boyfriend in your presence, he better start writing lists,too. my parents actually had a rather large influence on my husband's conscience when we were 16. (he wasn't my husband then, of course...)

step father should show appropriate friendship and affection, maybe give her friendly reminders about her responsibilities, but based on my own childhood, it is your attention that she craves. make a lot of body contact with her in ways that are not threatening or controlling to her. maybe she can sleep with mommy sometimes or for a while. that's advice you will only see here---ha,ha.

grace to you. rrr
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#21 of 21 Old 11-19-2004, 01:29 AM
 
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I snuck out quite a bit. And the things I did would make you cry! hehe...

Lets just say, I have a daughter and I pray long and hard that she never does what I did. I am suprised I was able to hold it all together with the partying I did in jr. high and highschool. Lets just say that by the time I got my license, I had done everything I wanted to do and got serious about life.

Anyway, we intend to plant some very lovely antique climbing roses under my daughters window. My sons too. I am figuring that landscaping will be my answer and making sure that we can hear the doors in our house. I figure that painting windows shut is not good. Mine were nailed shut once. Fires can be dangerous in that case. So roses it is, if there is a fire, we will just tell her to throw her comforter on the bush.
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