Sexually Active Teens - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 152 Old 02-16-2005, 06:44 PM
 
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My dh is not my teenage son's father. We got married when my son was 9 years old. So, although he is surprisingly close to his stepfather, he is closer to me and feels mor comfortable talking to me. Also, my dh has been deployed since July so I'm the only one available to talk to right now. My son does talk to his stepdad and is still very open and candid with him. I think my dh may be a little more timid about talking about sex partly because he comes from a more conservative(?) family and partly because the teenager is not his bio child. My dh goes along with whatever I do or say and I try to support and encourage him to talk to my son as much as possible. His bio father is not around at all.

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#122 of 152 Old 02-16-2005, 07:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cuqui
I haven't heard too much mention about dads in these threads, just curious, do your sig others have much to say about this issue, do they answer the questions in the same way? How close a relationship do your teens have with dad? Do you think that has any bearing?
Dh and I tend to discuss parenting things as they come up--*I* love discussing this stuff, even in a hypothetical way, but he leans more towards waiting until we're faced with an issue. While we both talk to our kids about these things, I'm the one who's with them more often--aside from the fact that I'm a sahm, he works long hours, so most parenting stuff falls to me.

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#123 of 152 Old 02-16-2005, 08:49 PM
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My kids' dad is in denial that either, particularly his daughter, will ever be sexually active LOL.

I do notice my friends with good relationships with their dads waited longer and had better experiences. Lots less of that teenage girl heartbroken psycho drama angst I went through.
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#124 of 152 Old 02-19-2005, 02:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BooBerryParker
That is the sentiment I couldn't put into words when speaking about my own experience. After thinking on this a while longer...I think the word protect is what people are getting hung up on. What should kids be protected from? I don't have an answer to this, only my own experience with it. Again mamas, thanks for making me think about this issue long before I have to actually deal with it!
I haven't read all the posts yet but I just have to respond to this one.
I try to tell my daughter that it is my responsibility to protect her for the adult she will someday become.
When I make decisions regarding her I think to myself, how will I have to answer for this decision when she is twenty five? Thirty?
I hope that when she is an adult she will not have lingering problems that I may have prevented by setting more limits. STD's can cause lifetime fertility problems, unplanned pregnancy could affect her for a lifetime. So I think about that thirty year old woman who will be and think about what kind of life she is going to want and what kinds of choices she will want to make and I want to help the child she still is become that adult she wants to be.
Currently she is a child, and therefore it is my responsibility to make sure that when her judgment fails (and it will because she is a child and is still working on it) I am there to be backup.
I do believe that I will want to be open with her when she is a mature teen and sexually active. I would actively discourage such behavior with all my might until she is maybe 17 or so.
Of course, dh says she can't date till she is 30.
Joline
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#125 of 152 Old 02-19-2005, 03:04 PM
 
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my son is 8 months old :

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
Send them to planned parenthood.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
depends on age and the other child's parent. probably no.
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
privacy
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
absolutely we talk.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
depends on situation, obviously, but i would be open about my feelings without dictating "you stop that" :
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#126 of 152 Old 02-19-2005, 07:37 PM
 
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I have a while before I have to worry about this this dd, but I am 22 so I just went through this a few years ago. The pressure to have sex nowdays is enormous, I started having sex at 15 (after "fooling around" for several years), and I was the oldest virgin out of everyone I knew, and these were what you would term as "good kids". My parents were not very open about sex, of course I knew all about it, but it was never a conversation topic. And I did have sex with a number of boys before I met DH at 17, none of my partners and I were in a relation ship. One thing I feel is very important to talk about with your teen is how to say no. We would be fooling around, and I would get afraid to say no, and so I wouldn't. I do plan on buying my dd condoms and if she is in a realtionship then her boyfriend can sleep over or vice versa. I would rather have them at my house then other places.You would not imagine the lengths I went to to have sex, or the places that I did it at.

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#127 of 152 Old 04-07-2005, 04:46 PM
 
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I find this thread really interesting. Although I only have a 1 year old son I'd like to respond. I wonder if I'll change my mind in 12 years.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
I will definitely make them available and educate them on all their birth control options.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Definitely. You're kidding yourself if you think not allowing sex in your house is going to stop your kids. I would rather them have it at home in a place of love than in the back of a car, or in the woods, etc
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy. I'm much more concerned about my children treating themselves and others with respect than whether or not they have consensual sex.
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
I plan to be open with him from day 1
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
I don't really feel like it's my business. It's his body. I just hope I can help give him the self worth to protect his body.

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#128 of 152 Old 04-07-2005, 05:28 PM
 
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Okay I have to reply to this one. I have a 13 yo thankfully he is not even interested in girls sexualy yet but we do talk.

Now coming from the standpoint of myself as a 16yo mother. At 16 I knew everything. I went to the health dept by myself and received birth control pills. Sex was never discussed at my house. What I wish had happened... I wish someone would have talked to me, treated me as a person on the brink of alduthood. Even though we say 16 is still a child society has children growing up way to fast. The person could not have been my mother though WAY TOO WEIRD. Perhaps a true and trusted woman who has btdt. One of the things I have told my son is that if you love this person so much that you would share you body with then why would you want to take the chance and get her pg. Why would you want other people to shun her or pity her. Because that's what will happen. If you are man enough to share a most intimate part of yourself then you are man enough to want the best for your child. Is it best for you to only be able to see your child on weekends or to worry that your child needs something and you can not provide it. For a girl I hope that I will have tought them that their body is precious a vey precious gift to be offered to someone who touches your soul. I want them to think what can this person offer me? Love, support, a happy future? I want them to think of theirself and have a respect for their body that they can say no. I wish someone had instilled that confiidence in my value as a woman. Only I found it a lot latter. Let them know how you feel why you feel that way and then let them know that they have to stand up for what they want and make their own choices in life. Trust me... should you choose a blind eye or choose to have and "open" bedroom policy kids will find a way to do what they want. Talk to you children but not as a parent to a child as a woman to woman or friend. Do it with respect and dignity. And dear lord stress the importance of protection from STD's 2/3 of 15 - 19 yo has one form of std or another. Genital Warts are in 2 out of three women. It is the leading cause of cervial cancer. And HIV/AIDS is so scary. Teach respect...respect for their own body. Build them up so they can say I am worth it. "Should I choose to say no I am precious and worth it. If a guy doesn't think so then how would he react if I had said yes and gotten pg?" or "I would like to have sex but I am worth protecting." And let them know that condoms are great protection but htey do not always work in the case of say herpes or warts being someplace a condom does not cover. However they are SO IMPORTANT. I was talking to one girl and she said "But I could never go buy condoms. And I said if you can not walk into any store and pick up a box of condoms then why do you think you are ready to put the weight of sex on your back. Are you truly ready to carry such a heavy load?"

On a personal note I had already had my ds when I met my dh and although I would never trade my precious child for the world there is part of me that so truly wishes that I could have shared my most special gift with my husband.

I talk to teens about sex. I have been there and done it. I was pg at 15 and delivered at 16. I did finish high school and have several degrees and certifications. I know how hard it is and the heart break when your "lover" turns and walks away. I know what it's like to be shunned. From the kids at school (who all were having sex too) to the pareants who know think your a bad influence or their child will "catch pregnancy" from you. If I can help pm me. And I am not trying to be nosey or bossy just helpful.
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#129 of 152 Old 04-07-2005, 07:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by DustysSweety03
I will let dd's boyfriend stay in her room but the door has to stay wide open all night, but then again i may change my mind about that.

Grr, I just made a long post and I hit the wrong buttom and somehow opened up overstock.com or some other website. : Anyway, long story short.....

I didn't even have a door on my bedroom but my boyfriend and I still managed to have sex. :LOL My parents were very religious and very strict, but would let him sleep over, but he had to sleep on the couch (I think those were the only times we DIDN'T have sex. :LOL). On the other side, even after we were married his parents wouldn't even let me sleep at their home during a short time him and I were separated. Shows you how different families are about sex.

My oldest is 12 and we talk about sex. I want all my kids to know how to say no when they want to, and if they want to say yes, I want them know how to be protected and to know the consequences of having sex. I think they need to know that if they are adult enough to have sex then they better make sure they are also adult enough to have a baby because no birth control is 100% (And that they WILL have to be responsible if a pregnancy does occur. I will help out of course, but they are the parent and they would have to be responsible for taking care of the child.). To me age has nothing to do with that really, so each child will be different. You could have a girl/boy that would be more capable of having a child at 15 than someone else at 25. I just hope that they will use common sense and NEVER be afraid to say no or to talk to me or their father, or someone at school, or any other adult they feel comfortable with if they have questions or concerns. That's why I've started talking about sex with them early. We've talked about it for years. All of my kids know at least something about sex and their ages are, 5, 7, 10 & 12.
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#130 of 152 Old 04-07-2005, 11:06 PM
 
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This is a great thread! I was inspired to talk to my 7 yr old dd after reading it tonight so I asked her what the kids at her school had to say about sex. She said, "you're finally going to talk to me about sex, huh, I thought you would have already- like two years ago. I've seen the commercials that say you're supposed to." It turns out that if they see TV they know we are supposed to be talking to them even this young. She also said that the "code of children" forbid talking about these things with adult supervision- she is funny. So...basically I got nowhere but now I know that I had better get with because the time is at hand.

Would I provide BC? YES. Bulk condoms (so they won't think I'm counting) will be in an unwatched drawer. I'm not sure about chemical BC since it worries me that it might make it less likely that condoms are used and diseases are a bigger fear for me than babies.

Sleepovers? YES- exact age I'm not sure and I would probably have to like or at least not intens. dislike the guy/girl.

Communication? She already knows a lot of the biology and now it looks like it is time to open the doors to the physical part. I hope to have a really open, comfortable relationship with my children.

I hope that I can teach her that her body is her own and that no one can make decisions for her body but her. NOT EVEN ME. I also worry about the whole virgin worship, sex=love or it is bad for you, and people will not respect you arguments. Sex does NOT equal love or even collide with love for a lot of people and they are happy and well-adjusted. I want her to respect herself and only share her "gifts" with people who respect both her and themselves. I have been having sex since I was 14 and I do not regret doing it so young or the person that I picked.

I noticed a couple of posts stating that if an older (18-21) guy was having sex with their daughter that they would go all out to do something about it and that really worries me. If it really was a rape definitely do something but if it was just the age gap PLEASE DON'T. Visit a prison and see if your anger over the situation really warrants ruining his life- because it will. After prison and all the abuse there they will have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their life.
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#131 of 152 Old 04-08-2005, 01:27 AM
 
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Another recent teen answering. i am 23 w/ a 2 year old DD. Unplanned, but elated.

my Dad didn't allow my BF and I in the room with the door closed. i missed out on having sex w/ my first love, and ended up being dateraped at 15. (i lived with my mom then and she worked constantly so didn't know what i was up to)

I wish my dad could have been cooler about things and I could have started my sexual life on a good note. I ended up spending years in bad situations (although there is other issues to that as well) I definetley wish someone had talked to me or offered Condoms or anything. The funny thing my mom was always so open when i was younger. But after my parents divorce both my parents changed so much.

would i offer condoms/bc? yes i would. i don't know about BC b/c i just don't trust that and have seen my firends go thorugh hell well on it.

would I let them sleep together in my house>? It completely depends on the relationship, emotional development and the person they are sleeping with. oh and if i can gewt DH to agree with it, which I probably can't.
I had a BF who's mother let me sleep there. it was nice.
and my dh and i were not allowed to sleep in the same room at his pops house and then after a week they left us in the house alone, and that's how we got Jewely. (as i said i don't trust BC and we didn't have any condoms, amd it had been a week)

do we communicate? she is two now and I tell her what things are, and I tell her it is ok for her to touch herslef (unless she's nursing because that makes me uncomfterable. then i just pop her off) I plan on being quite open

Privacy? I am not going to read her journals or anything. not going to search her room (i think) hopefully i will always be involved in her life so she feels she can talk to me then privacy won't be an issue.

what was the other one?? I can't rmember sorry i am tired.

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#132 of 152 Old 04-11-2005, 12:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PoppyMama
I noticed a couple of posts stating that if an older (18-21) guy was having sex with their daughter that they would go all out to do something about it and that really worries me. If it really was a rape definitely do something but if it was just the age gap PLEASE DON'T. Visit a prison and see if your anger over the situation really warrants ruining his life- because it will. After prison and all the abuse there they will have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their life.
I'm not saying send them to jail, but I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him. There are many 20 somethings out there for men that age, and I feel that's who they should seek out, not young teens. And depending on the age difference, then it IS molestation in my book. JMO.
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#133 of 152 Old 04-11-2005, 01:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie
I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him.
Just goes to show that everyone's experiences are different. MY personal experience was the exact opposite - the high school boys were MUCH pushier than the older guys ever were. If you think that "nearly all" of the high school boys aren't overrun with hormones and wanting sex then you are kidding yourself IMO.
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#134 of 152 Old 04-11-2005, 02:51 AM
 
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Just goes to show that everyone's experiences are different. MY personal experience was the exact opposite - the high school boys were MUCH pushier than the older guys ever were. If you think that "nearly all" of the high school boys aren't overrun with hormones and wanting sex then you are kidding yourself IMO.
My best friend and I just discussed this. She said under no circumstances will she allow her teen daughter (she has no children yet) to date a man in his twenties. I on the other hand think it depends on my daughter's maturity level at that age, and the man she chooses to date.
I had both experiences. I lost my virginity to a man of 20 just after my 16th birthday. A few months later he broke up with me and I was heart broken, but I grew from that experience. I wanted to lose my virginity, it was my choice. It always bothered him that I wouldn't give him oral sex, that I wasn't comfortable with at that time. Thought it sounded yucky.
Still at age 16 I started dating a man who was 21. Now when I look back on this it frightens the crap out of me that my parents were so cool with me dating either of these men, BUT the second relationship lasted for close to 5 years and they were really amazing years. He never pressure me into anything, always listened to my point of view on the world, nobody had ever listed to what I had to say. This was a huge boost to my self esteem. He was so supportive of my education, and of me writing music. Before him I hadn't shared my voice, my songs, or stores with anybody. Thanks to him in my life, my future was much more bright. My career choices have been brave, and my life has had more color.
I really believe if I had not had this relationship I would be a much different person. I might still be shy, hidden, and afraid to share myself. Plus he might have been the very best lover I have experienced in my life.
Now that I have a daughter I hope to be the person who shares those ideals with her, and not a man she dates. But in my life it was a God sent.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#135 of 152 Old 04-11-2005, 03:17 AM
 
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1. Pay for their condoms or bc? There will be condoms in the home. But I really believe if you are old enough to be having sex, you are also old enough to buy your own birth control.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? I don't think I could stop sex happening in my home if I wanted to. I don't believe I will allow sleep overs of the oposite sex though. There is plenty of time for sleepovers later when they leave my home.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Privacy. I give my daughter privacy now, and she is only 4.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? We have already talked about sex. Well the information was much more basic, as my daughter is only 4. I think it's important to talk to your children from a very early age on all subjects. With the information they can understand at their age level.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? Before age 16 for some reason it would really bothers me. This is my hang up. I will present my daughter with the facts to make her own choice, but I would really love if she could wait until after age 16 for sex. There is something really special about starting to date, and kissing, maybe some petting, but nothing else. It's innocent and I have so many good memories of sweet times like that. I worry that if my daughter is all the way sexually active before 16, some of this special time gets lost.

A few ideas I have had about the future.
My neice (9yo) is VERY private. She has a hard time talking to my sister about almost anything. It's just her nature. When my sister and her husband were divorcing, my neice was drawing a lot of disturbing pictures (which we thought was great, it was her way of expressing herself) but my sister wished that she could get her dd to open up more. I bought a really beautiful journal, and gave it to my sister. I thought she could write something in the journal about how sometimes feelings are hard to share. That if her dd ever had anything that she wanted to talk about, or ask questions about she could write it in here, then place the book on my sisters bed. Then my sister would write back, and place the book on my neices bed. My neice LOVED this. Started to write more and more in the book about her feelings, and now has a much better attitude about talking to my sister in general. I thought I would do this with my dd when she starts to write. I think that in her teen years if she has a question, that might seem like the most embarissing thing EVER to ask her MOM :rollseyes she might feel better writing it down. This idea came from my own childhood when I was a lot like my neice. My mother was so open with sex, and being a woman, but when I got my period I wrote my mom a note telling her I needed pads, and that I never wanted her to bring this up EVER with me. :LOL I was a weird kid.

Second. I have a real problem with oral sex being so popular with young people these days. Not because it shouldn't happen, but because I suspect that this means that boys are getting it and girls are getting squat. In any respectful sexual relationship, it's two ways. I hope to instill in my daughter that if she wants to have sex, she should also be able to tell the person she is having sex with what feels good, what doesn't. What she is comfortable with, and what she isn't. Plus a good measure of a man who wants oral sex is to say "Okay, you do me first". Then see what he says.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#136 of 152 Old 04-11-2005, 01:23 PM
 
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I am so glad I found "a place to discuss teens"!
My oldest dd is 14 and this has come up with my dh and I regularly for the last 2 years, she is not sexually active... yet!But we know its comeing and we are taking a Proactive approach.
1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes! She will see an OB/gyn for the Bc and condoms...I want her to be fully aware..not just talk to us but a professional as well. I do not think that paying for them just gives her the right to go around willy nilly...I think its a lil archaic to think just because they are useing protection they will turn into the village whore. C'mon, maybe they will, hopefully not. We can only hold their hands for so long...they will pull away from us, hopefully they will come to us on serious issues. If you are completly honest and open they most likely will!
I am sure at this level the issues of "having sex with someone you have deep feelings for has been discussed" & "havieng casual sex and the consequenes of that behavior" should have been addressed. KWIM? They have with us!
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No, not knowingly, but if I am not at the house, who is to say they wont, come on we all were there once.....sneakin around!!!
3. Give them Privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk.Privacy yes! I am a pretty observant parent and does her laundry!
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do avoid the subject? Yes we talk about sex...in fact a friend of hers will be a daddy at age 16! She told me about it and the door was wide open for the real serious discussion. we had always talked but this time at a very deep level! Avoiding the "talk" is just plain stupid and asking for trouble. There are girls in the 8th grade doing the deed already.....and in high school, well lets just say if you dont know what tossed salad is, you better do some research....kids are doing all sorts of weird stuff to avoid havieing natural intercourse, some of which is dangerous, all for the sanctity of remaining a virgin...HELLO!
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it)the decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I will accept it, but she will have a better understanding of the whole issue than I did. I am sure she will, we are way ahead of where my parents were on this issue! We do not sweep issues like this under the rug. I have told her sex should always be with someone special....and if anyone "pressures" you into haveing sex, well they just want a piece of ass and are not really worth it! They will not respect you at all, if they cant respect you on this issue! So respect yourself, your body and your reputation!!!! If our teens know where we stand on the issue of sex, they will more than likely follow in our footsteps. I was pg at 19 and left on my own to deal "with it" I dont want my daughter to make the same mistakes I did, so its my job as a parent to give her the best guidance possible, If I do not start her on the right path, well, history just may repeat itself!
"one cannot just keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results"
Be Proactive on the Issue
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#137 of 152 Old 04-12-2005, 07:59 PM
 
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I'm not saying send them to jail, but I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him. There are many 20 somethings out there for men that age, and I feel that's who they should seek out, not young teens. And depending on the age difference, then it IS molestation in my book. JMO.
A couple of posts did sound like they were advocating going to the authorities about an older boy/man dating a younger girl/woman. I am not saying that parents don't have the right to scrutinize who their children are dating and even forbid certain people. I don't believe that picking friends/lovers works, if there has been a history of mutual respect I think that choices can be influenced, I have a real problem with the statuatory rape law because I feel that it is badly applied and laid out. If it was an accepted rule in our society that people over 18 (even one day) NEVER EVER dated anyone under 16 then it would be different but the law basically imprisons and makes life long sex offenders out people who do not deserve it. Beyond the unfairness of a law is how unfair the trials are, talk about a trial that hinges on how much the jury likes the defendant. My sweet grandmother sat on a statuatory rape trial and I was appalled when she talked about it. I felt like disowning her for a minute.
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#138 of 152 Old 05-20-2005, 04:58 PM
 
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My, my, my,

Where were all of you when I was going through this earlier this year? What a refreshing, lovely group you are. I have been looking for moms who are willing to listen and understand.

When I read the questions about what you would do or allow I smiled. There is no allow and the do is up to you to figure out. I asked my daughter if she and her wonderful boyfriend were sexually active (she was 16, he was 17), thinking about it, etc...oh no Mom, nope. I told her I was not questioning her to control her except that I wanted her protected if they were making that choice. I could tell by their actions toward each other, the affection and closeness that we were getting near that situation. My daughter is an honor student, was very strong in her belief not to have premarital sex and a great kid. She also felt the need to lie to me about her sexual activity because she was embarrassed and confused about how quickly her beliefs went out the window when she met this young man. However, she left her bc pill container in bf's glove compartment and I found them looking for something he asked me to get for him. I was relieved actually because the point was to get her on bc. I told her I found them and that I was not mad but glad that she was being responsible. She told me that HE would not consider sleeping with her (they were both virgins) before she was on bc for two months and they used condoms the first few times. He had a much older sister who became pg at 15 and would not do that to her or himself. I was conflicted each step of the way when the reality met my beliefs.... I KNEW that I didn't want my daughter getting married young for reasons of sex, but I didn't count on my mixed feelings about my daughter's sexuality, my having a normal relationship with the boy knowing he was sleeping with my daughter,and what I could accept in my house. They have now been together for a year and a half, he is a treasure as a human being, and he stays with us when he is home from college, my daughter just graduated from HS. They do not share a room at my house but I know they make love at home when we are not aware. They are completely respectful and now that she is 18, out of HS, will be going to the same college as he does- I now have to make another mind shift. They will be sharing a dorm like apartment with her older sister, separate rooms, separate baths, but I now have to decide, if they share a bed there, do I let them do that at home. I think so, but I'll just have to see. It is not easy at all. He is certainly in love with her very much. She loves him very much. They are, in fact, very much like a married couple but I would NOT want them married now especially just for my "comfort zone." He is as polite to me as he would be to his own mother if she were alive and is as honest as the day is long. They joke with me about the sleeping together in a healthy way at times but they all know I'm up tight in some ways and gently tease me out of it. I love them both very much and want them to be able to love each other at this time in their lives. Was any of this actually my choice to control? No. They slept together before he left for college and not at my house. Could I have stopped this with supervision? Nope. Could I have talked her out of it? Nope, she never intended to feel what she felt for him and pushed HIM into sleeping with her. As she said the classic line to me, "Mom, I have never felt anything like this before!" and that was before they slept together. We were not part of the equation at that point in her life except that she said he reminds her of her sweet Dad. We have been married 24 years and we did sleep together before we married, and we survived. I am only grateful that she is in a monogamous relationship with someone who obviously cares for her dearly and is open enough to let her Dad and I know about her needs and wants. Its scary and I would like a commitment in a way, but they are still so young and much time must pass before they could be in a position to be married.

Keep your minds open and wish the best on all our children.
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#139 of 152 Old 05-20-2005, 05:20 PM
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I do not have teensas of yet, I have a 7 year old... my husband and I were JUST discussing this the other day. This is how I rpedict I would/will react...

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
Yes

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Depends - I say maybe - husband says no way

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy if it is earned/deserved

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
Openly communicate (we already do, our 7 year old knows all about sex)

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
Accept if there is no convincing... would depend on age, situation, attitude...
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#140 of 152 Old 05-20-2005, 05:31 PM
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In response to some of the posts here...

I'm not Catholic, I'm not religious. I am not spiritual either. Facts are humans are animals, and sleeping, eating, breathing, and procreation (aka sex) are all normal human functions. I won't play ostrich and pretend things are any different. Let alone for a hormone craze juvenile.

Sex isn't always sacred. Sex can be a lot of fun! It's a normal human function, and while I feel promiscuity is a mask for possible insecurity or abuse issues... I also think it's normal and natural for a person to have an active healthy sex life, with or without a serious relationship.

The issue for me? A person needs to be emotionally ready for sex, and make the approriate choices when it comes to sex.

Safe sex for starters! Not just pregnancy, but also sexually transmitted diseases. I do not feel a 15 year old is ready emotionally for sex... to be honest I am not sure an 18 year old is ready for sex either, but legally, and 18 year old is an adult... BUT! if my daughter has sex at this age (15 ir 16) and she very well could, I plan on making SURE she is using birth control and knows how to use/has access to a condom.
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#141 of 152 Old 05-20-2005, 08:32 PM
 
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SparrowMom, thanks for sharing your post.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#142 of 152 Old 05-26-2005, 05:17 AM
 
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i don't have any kids yet but when i do and when they are teens . . .

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
yes definitly, it is what my partner and i use now and what we will probably always use so we will keep them where the teens can find them and make sure they know where they are and that they are welcome to take them

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
yes as long as i feel comfortable with the individual, i would rather they sleep together make love in a safe home than in a car or someplace else

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
give them privacy, of course iw ould give them privacy, i will treat them with the same respect i want to be treated with

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
i will be very open and communicate about sex

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
i will respect them and hope they make good healthy choices in life and use protection when they are sexualy active

if i have girls i will talk to them about the importance of condoms and stds, as well as if i have a son, birth control pills and hormones are kinda scary to me, if she wants more protection than condoms iw ill take her to see a doctor and advice her to use a barrier method, but i will encurage her to also use condoms

mama to two amazing children son 10/27/07 and daughter 07/07/11

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#143 of 152 Old 05-26-2005, 05:45 AM
 
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p.s.
i will strongly encurage my kids to practice safe sex by not needing to use a condom with mutual masterbationa nd stuff like that, and i will make sure they understand that condoms can protect them from some stuff tehre is a lot of stuff it won't protect them from, and that the only way to be safe is to not do a lot of sex stuff, but i will let them know that two people can still have sex and do it safely without risk of pregnancy or std's

mama to two amazing children son 10/27/07 and daughter 07/07/11

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#144 of 152 Old 05-26-2005, 03:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Mom
Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, and my friend has a 15 yo son, all of our kids are active unfortunately, and her and i have way differing views on how we are dealing with this. Would love to hear some comments, I'll share mine later. Hugs Jan
Wow, my daughter is 12, and these questions want to make me run away and hide my head, lol

until she is 18 i will strong suggest not having intercourse at all, no acceptions-

that being said, i fooled around as a teen between like 16-18 and am not sure what my mom knew and didnt...although she offered to take me to the dr to get on the pill when i left for college...
this post has me thinking that is for sure...

Catherine
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#145 of 152 Old 05-26-2005, 03:19 PM
 
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My now almost-18 year old daughter approached me at age 16 and calmly, matter-of-factly, asked me for birth control. Stifling my motherly protective instincts that screamed NO!, I calmly, rationally discussed it with her. I told her that I do not agree with it, but I respect her right to decide for herself and I commended her maturity in talking to me about it. I took her to our family physician and we got the patch for her (the doctor and I both discussed at length the fact that the patch does not protect from STDs and that they still need to use a condom etc.). She had been in a monogamous (at least on her side) relationship with her boyfriend for 3 years; in fact, they are still together more than a year later.


1. Pay for their condoms or bc? I told her I would pay for the first 3 months and then she and her boyfriend would have to share the cost and pay for it themselves. I stressed to her that she needs to get her boyfriend to help pay; it's not fair for him to expect her to bear the entire financial brunt of their birth control.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No, I would never allow it but I know they do when I am not there. I also know that her boyfriends' parents allow it at their house and in fact, encourage it.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Privacy. I don't want to know! LALALALALALALALALA

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? We talk about it a lot. We have very open communication for which I do not take credit but I am ever so grateful.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I accept but do not like, which is exactly what I told her. I told her that I knew I would never be able to stop them from doing it, so I am glad they are both taking the mature approach and being upfront with us about it.
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#146 of 152 Old 05-27-2005, 10:52 AM
 
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Howdy Moms,

I do believe it must make a very large difference in your approach when there are younger children in the home. I very much respect all of the Moms who feel that they must prohibit overnights or obvious signs of lovemaking by older sibs when they could be influencing the decisions of or compromising the childhood innocence of younger sibs. That is a tough decision and one that must be measured carefully. Even though we can come to accept sex as a normal expression of our older adolencent children's deep feelings for another person (and I have to a degree), younger members of our family (and society really) should have the benefit of protection from growing up too soon. There will be no revolving "beds" in my home.... ever. Still, I have learned to bend in some ways and grow as a person about what is acceptable because of the dear hearts involved. I'm still learning and sore from all the bending.....

In my situation, I have a college age girl and an 18 year old recent high school graduate who is the one in the serious relationship. I do not have young children in the home. How difficult the balancing act can be in that situation and I hope those parents can find a comfort zone. That makes parenting the tough job it is, however rewarding......
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#147 of 152 Old 05-27-2005, 07:49 PM
 
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Ladies, you blow me away.

So many of you share such respectful relationships with your children. They will look back on this time positively and pass this goodness that you have shared on to their own families.

What sparrowmum describes is how I felt my relationship with my husband evolving. I shared it with my parents and they knew that he was very special to me. However, this happened when I was 26 and already had 2 children from my first marriage.

I didn't consider myself to be immature in any way when I was 18, and I wasn't a virgin when I met my first husband, but I think I went down a path which I felt I couldn't turn back on and we ended up with a child, then married beofre I was 20. I chose badly, and things turned out badly too. I don't blame my parents, we had what I thought were open discussions about relationships and my mum was concerned about the possibility of pregnancy and disease. In fact he was the first person I had slept with without a condom. What happened there? I do not know.

My son talks to me about me being a young parent and he says he is proud of what I have a chieved, but he doesn't want that for himslef. I don't want my children to 'learn from my mistakes', but I do want them to know that I will be there in happiness or sadness, which can both come from sexual relationships.

You have all given me hope for the future and ideas for ways of approaching new phases of my relationship with each of my children. Thank you for your wisdom.
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#148 of 152 Old 05-28-2005, 01:29 AM
 
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I wanted to post my experience because it greatly influences what we do with our daughters.

My parents expected me to save sex for marriage. "Premarital sex is wrong" and that was the end of our communication about sex.

I did wait until 17. I got HPV from the first guy (who said he was a virgin). It gave me severe dysplasia--probably because I was in college, not eating well or taking care of myself. I had a cone biopsy and they took out enough of my cervix to make it incompetent (can't hold the weight of pregnancy).

In order to carry my dd's to term, I had to have an internal cerclage (gortex band around the neck of the uterus) placed through abdominal surgery. I've also had to have three c-sections--no vaginal exit. It's a lot to give up vaginal birth . . .

As a result of this, I can't view teenaged sex as just for fun. There are risks of diseases without cures, despite the condom. It's best if you are mature enough to comprehend the possible long-term effects of things like genital herpes, HPV, and abortion. IMO, a 14 year old can not fully grasp the consequences. Therefore, it would be a parent's responsibility to help protect her while her brain developes better abstract thinking and impulse control.

So, we will talk with our dds about sex from toddlerhood right on up. We'll emphasize that it's a big and complex decision that can't be reversed--when in doubt, WAIT. I think kids tend to, even unconsciously, try to meet parental expectations, so we'll let them know that we expect them to be open with us when they're considering having sex. That way, we can help them evaluate how ready they are. We'll talk to them about human nature and how people tend to lie when it comes to sex/STDs. We'll expect them to go with prospective partners to be tested at an STD clinic before having sex, and would help them do this if they wanted help.

Also, we plan to encourage them to fill their lives with fun and adventure. Sports, drama, dance, music, animals, travel, whatever their passion is. We hope they love all the outdoor activities we do--backpacking, camping, sailing, rock-climbing, skiing--and they'll have all kinds of opportunities for these. I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex. If they do feel the need, I hope they'll let us know so that we can remind them how to be as safe as possible. As for oral sex, I think that's a good alternative with a partner who's been tested for herpes, AIDS etc.

Our hope is that they wait until about 17. Then, I feel that their choices will be well informed, and they'll be ready to deal wisely with whatever sex brings with it.
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#149 of 152 Old 05-28-2005, 01:40 AM
 
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Just read trinity's post. Opps! Hadn't occurred to me that oral sex might not be reciprocal. Good point--I hope my dds wouldn't be with such a self-centered guy, but might as well talk to them about the possibility!
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#150 of 152 Old 05-28-2005, 02:23 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl3
I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex.
This is my thought as well. I might sound like a total prude for this
(and believe me I am far FAR from) but in my heart I feel a young
woman 13-16 who is having sex needs a hobby instead. I am not
condemning any of the Mama's who's daughters have decided to have
sex before 16. I just think it's kinda sad. I still think of girls that
age as just that, girls.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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