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#1 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 11:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, and my friend has a 15 yo son, all of our kids are active unfortunately, and her and i have way differing views on how we are dealing with this. Would love to hear some comments, I'll share mine later. Hugs Jan
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#2 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 11:55 AM
 
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My crew have not hit the teenage years so this is pure speculation on my part. I pray that they will remain virgins until marriage, but here are my answers to the questions. Again, it is just a guess at this point.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? I would not because to me that is the same as supporting their behavior, which I would not. This is the same reason I refuse to buy cigarettes/alcohol for anyone adult or otherwise.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Absolutely not ever.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? My best friend in high school was not allowed to be alone with her b/f in her bedroom (door open or not) and I always thought that was crazy. Now that I am a parent, I totally agree with that line of thinking.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
We are open about sex now, so I don't see that changing in the future.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would absolutely talk to them about their decision to engage in pre-marital sex and why it is inappropriate. I would encourage them to re-think their decision.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#3 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 12:03 PM
 
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My only child is three, so I can only tell you how I plan on handling this situation.

I will make sure that by an appropriate age, she understands that sex is good and natural and she will probably want to do it someday. She will also understand that sex can have negative consequences, such as diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and social fiascos. I knew and understood these things by the time I was about 12, so I don't see why she shouldn't.

When I made the decision to begin having sex (at 14) nothing in the world would have stopped me. I assume she will be the same. I would rather have my child informed and safe, and enjoying sex at whatever age she is emotionally and physically ready to do so, then sneaking around getting hurt or worse because of some arbitrarily set age limit. And feeling that she can't come to me for advice, or birth control.
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#4 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 12:23 PM
 
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I don't have teens, but I've only just been a teen! (I'm 21). I technically became sexually active at 14, but that was a one-off occurence. I started sleeping with my partner regularly when we were 17 & both living at home.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? My parents didn't do this, but I think they knew I was educated enough & clued in enough to be able to get hold of these things (for free) myself. I know a family who keep condoms in the bathroom cabinet so as to be accessible to their children. I don't think one should necessarily buy them birth control items but that if you know it would be difficult for them to get hold of them, you're increasing the risk of pregnancy & infection by with-holding aid.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? I think that depends very much on your own comfort level. I was always allowed to sleep with my partner at either house. I think if your children are sexually active they are going to have sex, & by refusing to allow it in the house, you push them into parks & backseats etc, & you actually manage to remove all that is loving & affectionate, which is presumably what you would rather encourage, & just make it into having sex & moving on quickly before being caught... Which is not what you want to achieve. I also appreciated, at 17, being treated like an adult. It was my decision whether we would share a bed or not, not my parents' decision.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Mm, be open & there for your teens to confide in you & ask your advice, yes. Scrutinise their phonebills, no. (I had a friend whose mother checked her cell phone bills every month even at 17. She got another secret phone to use for contact with her boyfriend. You just drive their activities underground.)

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Communicate! My parents always communicated with me, & led me to be well-informed. You're shooting yourself in the foot by not talking to your kids about sex, IMO. Begin young

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would accept it. But I don't have a problem with pre-marital sex. I do have a problem with promiscuity, but I assumed that we were talking about more regular boyfriend/girlfriend sexual activity rather than should you let your daughter bring home a different boy every night.
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#5 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 12:46 PM
 
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All of my answers should be taken with the fact that I currently have only a 16-month-old son. I believe sex should be reserved for serious comitted relationships, but not necessarily "marriage" (since I don't think marriage is for everybody). I think people are sexual beings long before it is realistic to be married in our society. I don't know what to do about that conflict except just recognize it for what it is. So all in all, I hope when my children are teens that they will have a certain level of maturity, and be with a kind and gentle person, before they become sexually active, but I don't have a particular age in mind.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes--I think of this as a personal health product and I would no more refuse to pay for it than I would refuse to pay for, say, deodorant or tampons. Teens who are in school are pretty much financially dependent so it strikes me as kind of punitive and unreasonable to have an attitude like "it's an adult activity so if you're adult enough to do it you're adult enough to pay for it." (Not that anyone here has said that, but I've heard that statement before and find it strange.)

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Yes.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? I plan to always be very open about it, as well as provide age-appropriate books all along that will allow my child to learn on his or her own.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I don't think the typical teen can be convinced to stop sexual activity once they have begun, short of major guilt-inducing religious or fear-based education programs. At least, most of my peers when I was a teen were not about to stop regardless of how their parents felt about it, begged, punished, etc.
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#6 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 02:02 PM
 
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I have a teen, but he's not active yet. (Would love to hear opinions from people who have btdt!)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I'd take dd to my midwife and discuss bc options with her. I'd also discuss bc options with ds and disease prevention with all of them. I would encourage them to take responsibility for the financing of the bc, but if that wasn't possible, I'd pay for it rather than risk the alternative.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

They have privacy now, so I don't see that changing.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We communicate about it now, so again, I'd expect that to continue.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

Teens are humans. Humans are driven to have sex. I'm more concerned with their ability to have a good, caring, respectful relationship with another person than whether they're having sex or not. I wouldn't try to get them to stop having sex, but I'd actively try to keep the lines of communication open.

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#7 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 02:48 PM
 
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1. Pay for their condoms or bc? We plan on handling this like my ex-mil handled it but before the kids get sexually active (plus drop the formula). She took my ex-h out and picked up a box of condoms, formula, and diapers. When they got up to the counter she told him to pay for it. He didn’t. Then she told him if he didn’t have the money to buy these then he didn’t need to be having sex. Having sex means being responsible for your actions. My ex-mil did buy them gave ex the condoms and donated the rest.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Not until they can legally move out and take care of the offspring.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I think there is a balance here. I won’t set them up for opportunities but I do think I can do this with respecting their privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Yes we do talk about sex and Masturbation. My son is 10 and dh and I had a conversation around him about sex abstinence education. He asked questions. We brought up the values of masturbation, waiting till he is old enough to have job/s to support offspring, STD’s, et.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I accept that they will have sex but I think it is our responsibility to teach them not to be sexually stupid. That having sex means behaving in a responsible fashion. This means I will teach them how they can be responcible (asking Dr/plan parenthood) for BC.
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#8 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's funny because my friend feels exactly the way houdini feels, and I am 100% with Joan. It's hard being a parent ugh. My 16 yo has been with her bf for 2 yrs now, and she came to me about a yr ago for bc. My 14 yo has been with her bf for 6 months and she too is now on bc (both are on depo). I always explained to them that sex can be wonderful in the right situations and terrible in the wrong situations. They both have serious bf's and even though these relationships may not last, they are safely learning how to enjoy a sexual relationship. Yes i do buy their condoms and pay for their shots. In the beginning I never let my oldest have her bf sleep over here but that was due to having a younger daughter. They did however sleep together at his parents house on weekends. Once my youngest became active, I did let both bf's stay overnite with them here. At first it took some getting used to, but now it's a comfortable situation. Usually only one daughter has her bf over here while the other goes to the bf's house on weekends, makes it easier on me. For us it works good, and I know my daughters arent out in a parked car or somewhere else that kids do it these days. I think it's a learning experience for them, and I know they are safe and happy. I would never encourage a child to become sexually active, but once the horse is out of the barn, I think its important that they enjoy something that is a very natural part of life. Hugs, Jan
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#9 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 03:35 PM
 
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I have an almost 14yo boy and here's what I think. He's not sexually active yet so I don't know for sure how I would respond.

1. Pay for condoms or bc? Not right away. I would give him information about where he can get that for free. If condoms are not easily accessible for free than I would probably get them for him. If he's having sex, he's going to have sex whether I want him to or not. At that point I'd rather he be protected.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I would not "watch them like a hawk" by hovering over them or always being where they are but I also would not give them such privacy as being alone in the bedroom with the door shut. Just as any other time in my son's life, I would want to know where he is, who he's with and what he's doing at all times for safety reasons.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? I have always been very open about sex. We've been discussing it since he was 3 or 4 years old, when he first started asking. I will continue that and listen to anything he wants to tell me even if I don't want to hear it.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? If my son decided to be active, I would accept it in the sense that I wouldn't freak out or get angry or try to punish or control him. I would, as I have always done, continue to talk to him about it so that it would always be fresh in his mind to be safe and responsible.

Before my son was 12 he would tell me that he was going to wait until he was married to have sex. Then one day last year he came to me and said that he's decided he is going to have sex before marriage but he will use a condom. Now he talks to me all the time about how much he wants to have sex. He has even asked me why he wants to have sex so bad since he hasn't actually done it.

I had sex at a very young age. My mother paid for my bcp and she let me have sex with my boyfriends in my bedroom. She gave me complete privacy. She never asked me anything about what I was doing, where I was or who I was with. I wish she hadn't done that. I wish she had taken the time and had the nerve or whatever it was to talk to me about it. I wish she had told me she loved me and that I was a worthwhile human being and didn't need to have sex to get people to like me. I may have still had sex but at least it would've been with different people and for better reasons.

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#10 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 03:36 PM
 
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I don't have a teen, but here are my thoughts...

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes, I would make it available. If I had a daughter I would set her up with a ob/gyn of her choice or that she felt comfortable with, so she could discuss bc and I would pay for it. If I had a son I would make sure he had condoms easily available to him. If they don't have easy access they probably won't use it.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Yes. This is the way I see it. If I had a daughter I would prefer to have a boy over then for them to do it elsewhere. If they are doing it at my house, a guy is going to be much more likely to respect my daughters boundries if it is happening in her space and her parents are downstairs. If my daughter is having sex I want it to be on her terms. So many teen girls are date raped or preasured into things too soon. I'd also like my son to feel comfortable bringing girls over. Teenagers are going to decide when they are ready for sex. I'd much rather them be in a comfortable safe place. Too many teenagers end up doing it at parties, while drunk or high, without protection.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Give them privacy. Like I said above if they don't feel like they have the space to do it at home then they'll find somewhere else.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Definitely keep an open dialog about sex. I want my kids to feel that they can trust me for honest advice or to confide in. Your child is more likely to be sexually preyed upon if you don't. Like some child molester on Oprah said "If you don't teach your child about sex, I will"

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? Accept, but also talk with them about their choices. Help them make sure it's what they really want to do. Also let them know just because they started having sex doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Some kids decide after the fact that they're not ready, but keep doing it anytway because they're already done.

I am coming from my own experience as a teenager and not having parents that I could trust and turn to. I think I would have made different choices if I had had support, trust, and information. I know a person who won't tell her children her own experiences for fear their daughters will do the same. She had sex at fourteen and regretted it. I think telling her daughters that would helped them be more responsible. Consequently, her one daughter was date raped at 15-16 and the other is going on 14 and has an 18 yr old boyfriend that she doesn't know about. I mentioned once to her that her 13 yr old was a risk for being seduced sexually. she just kind of shugged it of and said that was scary, but it didn't really sink in. She tried to have the older girl lie to the younger about her date rape and say she was a virgin, but she's smarter than that and knew she was lying. I just don't get it and I am very concerned for the 13 yr old.

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#11 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 03:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coffee Mom
It's funny because my friend feels exactly the way houdini feels, and I am 100% with Joan. It's hard being a parent ugh. My 16 yo has been with her bf for 2 yrs now, and she came to me about a yr ago for bc. My 14 yo has been with her bf for 6 months and she too is now on bc (both are on depo). I always explained to them that sex can be wonderful in the right situations and terrible in the wrong situations. They both have serious bf's and even though these relationships may not last, they are safely learning how to enjoy a sexual relationship. Yes i do buy their condoms and pay for their shots. In the beginning I never let my oldest have her bf sleep over here but that was due to having a younger daughter. They did however sleep together at his parents house on weekends. Once my youngest became active, I did let both bf's stay overnite with them here. At first it took some getting used to, but now it's a comfortable situation. Usually only one daughter has her bf over here while the other goes to the bf's house on weekends, makes it easier on me. For us it works good, and I know my daughters arent out in a parked car or somewhere else that kids do it these days. I think it's a learning experience for them, and I know they are safe and happy. I would never encourage a child to become sexually active, but once the horse is out of the barn, I think its important that they enjoy something that is a very natural part of life. Hugs, Jan

**I just want to bring up the depo comment. It's nasty stuff. Have you done a ton of research on it? I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy and blame some of my ongoing health issues with using it for just one year about 10 years ago! I shudder to think what it could do to a 14 year olds growing system!
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#12 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 05:24 PM
 
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I have just turned 20 myself so I remember those teenage years very well and definately still relate to teens- I am an expectant mother (planned pregnancy) and I must say I already have a definate philosophy on what to do about sexual active teens-

First I think it is important to look at the 1) maturity of the teen 2) and the context of the sexual activity (is it within a love relationship or is it just that the teen is sleeping around with anyone and everyone)

I personally was sexually active as a teen. I never received any guidance or advice from my mother on how to be sexually active in a healthy way- I simply was rejecting the notion of "remaining a good little girl til marriage" and all that. My father and I finally began discussing sex as I got in my late teens and he helped me a lot- to see that sex is natural, not something you should do just to "feel good" or "fit in" but something that you do with someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you. I think most mature teens can develop healthy sexual relationships if given guidance and understanding. I know for me it would have been impossible to "just say no" because I don't believe you should repress natural urges- you should find healthy ways to express them.

That said, here are my answers:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes, I will provide my son with condoms and will offer to take any daughters I may have to the Dr. to get checked out yearly and get on birth control- which I would pay for. I feel that so often unplanned pregnancies and STD's are due to the fact that teens don't have easy access to condoms one reason being limited finances.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Yes, I know from my own experience that they WILL do it somewhere and I would much rather that be in my house where I know they are safe and have access to condoms that at a park or at a party or somewhere like that where they may not have ready access to condoms or might get arrested for indecent exposure
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I think privacy is extremely important- around the age of 15 (depends on the maturity of the teen) you have to establish a relationship with your teen based on trust and respect for their own decisions which they have a right to make- otherwise they sneak around behind your back, don't ask your advice, and see you as a "warden" instead of a source of wisdom and understanding. This happened with my mom- I lied to her constantly because she felt she had the right to micro-manage my personal decisions. I mean at 18 if you and your child don't have mutual respect for each other there will be very little of a relationship left when he/she leaves home.
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? I intend to talk openly and honestly with them- bringing up the subject before they ask as most teens are uncomfortable asking about it or talking openly for fear of being scolded or hounded with questions. I want them to know they can ask me anything- nothing is taboo.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would accept it and also like it if I knew they were in a healthy monogamous relationship- I would accept it but try and offer guidance if I thought they were using sex in an unhealthy or self-destructive way.

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#13 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 07:13 PM
 
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Another recent teen (21.)
Pay for their condoms or bc?
Yes. Or find where they can get them for free. Most women's clinics here provide bc, pap smears, ect. on a sliding scale, or free if you truly can't afford it. When I went in for my first pelvic exam at 18 (not sexually active yet), one of the nurses gave me a plastic shopping bag full of condoms.

Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Yes. My (now) MIL would allow my DH (then BF) and I to sleep together in his bed at night. And the funny thing is: we weren't even having sex for about the first six months of our relationship. We just slept next to each other. And this tells you how much she likes me: DH said that I was the first GF he's had that his mom would allow to spend the night in the house, let alone sleep in his room!
My mom's motto was, "If you're doing it, be careful. Be smart. And don't let your father know." Dad would have FREAKED if he knew we were sleeping together. But then, he was also the kind of guy who thought that I was going to hell for dabbling in neo-Paganism, and that my Mom should have no male friends whatsoever.


Give them privacy or watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy. We had that, anyway. MIL was a single mom, and she'd work from 2pm to about 10pm. So we had the whole house to ourselves in the evening.


Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
Definatly communicate. The women in my family were not ones to tip-toe around sex, genitalia, periods, or any of that stuff. What they DID instill in me was a sense of pride. I didn't need to sleep with a guy to prove that I loved him. I did NOT have to sleep with him because "everybody else" was doing it. We were both 18, and virgins, until spring break of our senior year in high school. I had simply decided that, in order for a guy to have me, he needed to be an absolute prince, and a gentleman. DH was (and is) polite, kind, thoughtful, and chivalrus (sp?). Nothing less than perfect would have brought me into his bed. He's the only man I've ever slept with. And I have no regrets.

Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
If you don't accept it, it WILL go underground. It WILL be sneaky, and without your knowledge. Kids can be very ingenious when it comes to stuff like this. Unless you literally lock them inside your house, never allowed to set foot outside, and you're ALWAYS there to watch them, they will find ways to do it.
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#14 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 07:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bravofrenchie
Yes. My (now) MIL would allow my DH (then BF) and I to sleep together in his bed at night. And the funny thing is: we weren't even having sex for about the first six months of our relationship. We just slept next to each other.
Hehe, we did that too. We shared a bed right from the first time I brought him home (two, three weeks into it maybe?) but we didn't have sex till we'd been going out for nine months!

What we got was the freedom to make our own decisions.
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#15 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 10:18 PM
 
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Okay, first let me say that my kids are just now entering the teen years. My son is 13, and my daughter is 11. (They are not sexually active) I also have a step-daughter that is almost 16 who doesn't live with me. Because of our limited contact with her we aren't entirely sure if she is sexually active or not. Okay I'll answer your questions now lol.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
Yes, I would. Absolutely. Also I would encourage health exams etc.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Yes I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy of course. Privacy is respectful.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
Communicate for sure. We always have discussed sex openly, and we don't see that changing. They feel very comfortable talking about sex with us.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
I would accept the decision they have made, and not try to convince them otherwise. It simply is not my decision to make.

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#16 of 152 Old 01-22-2005, 10:34 PM
 
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As the parent of a sexually active 17 yr. old girl, I'll chime in here.
Yes, we pay for the bc (bc pills). She is very responsible about taking it. Yes, we talk about it, not in excruciating detail, but enough. We don't allow her bf to sleep over (we have 4 yr old ds's, and that's more than I want them to see), but I know they use the house when I am not here (I work). She will be on her own in a year or so, so we are trying to teach her to be responsible, and that sex should be in the context of a relationship that involves emotions and responsiblity, not just pleasure or being used (sorry if that's not clear, I'm very tired). Being the parent of a teen is 1000 times harder than parenting an infant, believe me! Good luck to all of you!

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#17 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 12:13 AM
 
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nak

hmm, interesting thread...i am also a recent teen (23) with a 1 year old daughter of my own now. we haven't exactly figured out how we want to parent in this regard so i'll tell you a little bit about my own experience.

i met dh (rory) when we were both 13; we started dating in 8th grade. we had an unusual experience because my parents are divorced and weren't entirely in-synch about the rules regarding sexual activity. baisically my mom was very strict about us not having sex before marriage. no closed doors, no being home alone together, no overnight trips...she scared the crap out of me somehow and made me feel like if i had any sexual thoughts/feelings/behaviors i would be a disappointment to her. she told me i could talk to her about anything but i felt totally "wrong" in my urges for rory so of course i never did talk to her. i developed major unfounded anxiety about getting pregnant from things like heavy petting, etc. : i actually would obsess so much about this that i'd screw up my cycle and make myself late which just reinforced my belief that i was pregnant! when, at 21, my HUSBAND and i found ourselves pregnant, my initial reaction was to freak out and be nervous that my mom would be mad at me. ridiculous...old habits die hard i suppose.

at my dad's house it was another story...we could be alone with the door close, etc. this wasn't great either. hormones are very powerful things and i don't think that at 13,14,15 i was capable of putting the brakes on, even if i wanted to. this meant, things moved too quickly and we'd wind up regretting it. now, we were in a committed relationship...but at times i wished i'd had some "rules" there to slow us down. we certainly weren't always ready for the consequences of our emotions and actions.

we did manage to wait until we were almost 19 to actually have sex and i'm really glad that we waited that long. the time was right and we knew it.

take age and maturity into consideration, in my experience at least there is a huge difference between a sexually active 14 year old and a sexually active 17 year old...even in a committed relationship. i guess my only advice is to give your kids their freedom but to give them some boundaries too...they may want them. it's easy to feel pressured by your hormones, even in loving and committed relationships.

hth someone...
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#18 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 12:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by edamommy
**I just want to bring up the depo comment. It's nasty stuff. Have you done a ton of research on it? I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy and blame some of my ongoing health issues with using it for just one year about 10 years ago! I shudder to think what it could do to a 14 year olds growing system!
I just wanted to chime in here, echoing this warning. Depo is super-nasty. I also have 2 friends who have had problems from starting birth control really early. In one case, her parents thought they were being cool and supportive by getting her Norplant when she was 14 - big mistake, and she had to have it removed after just a couple months. In the other case, my friend's mom dragged her to the dr to get the pill when she was only 12 or 13 - lots of other icky abusive stuff going on there, but starting the pill so early may have permanently damaged her repro system. I think we all know BC is crazy serious stuff, so hopefully this warning is unnecessary and people here would be a lot more cautious than these parents were.

That said, I think I will provide condoms for my ds. If he is sexually active w/ a woman, I will provide bc. (I strongly believe bc should not just be the woman's responsibility.) Of course I plan to have tons of open communication about sex before he becomes sexually active. I will give him privacy; I don't know if I would feel comfortable w/ him doing it in my house while I"m home, tho. But that is a loooooooooooooong way away.
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#19 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 12:59 AM
 
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I have a 15 year old dd, that isn't active at this point.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I absolutely would and in fact we have discussed it. She says she doesn't need it now.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

I would give them privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We have talked about everything and are very open.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I am completely open to her being sexually active when she is ready and we do not promote abstinance in our home. My main point is don't do anything you don't want to do.
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#20 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 01:13 AM
 
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ITA about the warnings about hormonal bc and teenage girls. I have repro problems that I strongly believe were caused by starting bcp at 13 and/or having a Norplant. I had major emotional side effects from the bcp as well. I will never take any kind of hormonal bc again and I would never supply it to my teenage daughter or son, for that matter.

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#21 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 01:53 AM
 
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Ok- just to throw another twist to the situation- don't assume your teens are heterosexual. When my son was about 14, I had some concerns about what was going on with his sleep over guests (male and female). So I decided condoms in the bathroom were a good idea for whomever needed them. I also decided that I would trust the education and good sense I had given him and not hover. I wasn't going to have one set of rules for friends he might sleep with and another set of rules for friends that were just friends- male or female.

I just continued to be open and available and treat him with as much respect as I expect him to treat me. So- now that he is 20, I feel I have done a pretty good job. The best thing is that so far, I have really liked the women he has had relationships with and the relationships seem really healthy. I don't want him being a unmarried father in his early 20s like his father and neither does he.

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#22 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 02:29 AM
 
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1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No, I don't think I could allow that.
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Not too much privacy. I remember when I was younger and what I did when I had privacy. :LOL
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Communicate - often, honest, and openly.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? It would depend on the situation. If they are being safe, if they are mature enough, the person they are with, etc. They are young now, and now I do tell them that it should be with someone special, and that I feel it's best to wait for a commitment.
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#23 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 07:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
don't assume your teens are heterosexual. .
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#24 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 05:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
Ok- just to throw another twist to the situation- don't assume your teens are heterosexual.
I totally agree! My daughter has expressed that she feels "attracted" to both genders equally at this point.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#25 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 06:50 PM
 
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I have a question. Do you think there are different rules for girls vs. boys? For example, I would expect my son to be responsible for a baby if a girl he was having sex with got pg, and he says he would be, but many parents do not. It's much easier for a boy to walk away from a pg than a girl, iykwim. Also, there seems to be an emotional aspect attached to sex for females that many males just don't get, which makes it easier for a girl to get hurt or be used than a boy. So would you give your daughter the same or less privacy than your son? Like the PP who said she'd allow her dd to have sex with her boyfriend in her home because then the boy would respect her dd more and her dd would be in control of the situation, so to speak. Would the same apply to a son if you had one?

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#26 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 07:15 PM
 
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I would treat sons and daughters the same. I know a lot of parents who let boys have girls over and have privacy but their girls aren't allowed to have boys over without supervision or what not. It creates problems when you treat them differently- basically sending the message to girls that it's ok and acceptable for boys to do what they please but girls have to be sneaky or aren't entitled to their sexuality.

I also think it's a good point to not assume your kids are heterosexual. I hadn't really given that much thought but I would still support my kids and let them do what they wanted, offering guidance and support and not "rules" that force behavior underground.

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#27 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 10:14 PM
 
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I'm shocked at some of the answers here ... I am not religious but I do NOT view sex in these teenage relationships as "healthy" ... We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in. I was not a virgin when I married, and I do see the benefit of not having been a freak virgin into my mid-20s (given my social circle); but I do wish my bond with my husband had been the first or one of the first such pair bonds of my life.

I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault. If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.

I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.
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#28 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 10:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by anonymommy
This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.
That is the sentiment I couldn't put into words when speaking about my own experience. After thinking on this a while longer...I think the word protect is what people are getting hung up on. What should kids be protected from? I don't have an answer to this, only my own experience with it. Again mamas, thanks for making me think about this issue long before I have to actually deal with it!
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#29 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 11:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by anonymommy
...We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in.
Sometimes we bond, sometimes we don't. Breakups can be painful, whether or not they're sexual. I believe every experience changes us--that's life.


Quote:
.. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them...If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.
I don't see other people, my kids included, as being in my control to begin with. I certainly don't want to see harm come to my kids, but I also don't believe that I can protect them from everything--my goal is to be there for them, offer advice and information, support, etc. I think their hearts will likely get broken at some point, and it won't be any more or less painful if it happens at 18 or at 53. As for feeling cheap about their bodies, I don't think that comes from having sex at any particular age--it comes from feeling powerless over their own bodies.[/QUOTE]

Quote:
If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.
I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.
What is the age then, that you feel is *right* to let them make their own decisions? If they're not old enough to make their own path at, say, the age of 18, but they are at 19, what's happened in that year that makes it all okay?

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#30 of 152 Old 01-23-2005, 11:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by anonymommy
If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.
Hmm...that is assuming you feel cheap after the end of a loving relationship. I believe that teenagers are completely capable of breaking off relationships w/o being broken or feeling cheap. I guess it is my goal that they leave my house feeling sexually empowered to make rational decisions about sex.

I do not believe parents have as much control over teens as they might think they do. You really dont. You can take things away and you can forbade them to do things but in the end, by the time they are teens, the groundwork has been laid. This is the reason I am working so hard now. I believe that healthy sexuality begins in infancy and is carried into the teen years.

I asked my Dh about these questions this morning after we made love and nearly got busted by the four year old. We both agreed that before we make any sweeping generalizations, we would wait until we had teens. He also feels it will be different for our children because we do not shame or scandalize sex. It is sacred and joyful.

Ohh and annonymommy, alcoholism is not a fault. It is a disease, most often hereditary. I just hope that you never have to deal with it in your close family. I have and I can tell you, it was not the parents fault, they were/are amazing. It was a family predisposition and a few other personality traits.
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