DS age 9 has no friends at school - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 09-17-2002, 12:53 AM - Thread Starter
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DS began in a new school after Spring Break last year. He returned there this fall. He is just rolling around with no friends thus far; the boys who have seemed friendly suddenly dared him to climb up the monkey bars and sit on the top. DS couldn't do it, then, according to him, "They were laughing at me, I could see it in the looks on their faces and in the way their eyes glowed at me." (I think he meant "gloated" not "glowed")
My heart is breaking for this child. He has some small disablilities, but he's never had such a hard time making friends before. Plus, he keeps these little slights from me, because he doesn't want me to feel like he's a loser. Does anyone have suggestions to help out?
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#2 of 5 Old 09-17-2002, 02:20 AM
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I'd go and talk to the teacher. Once the teacher is aware she will be able to help him foster some positive friendships. Often there is another child who can be encouraged to make a link through organising activities for them. Also, find out which are the gentler children that he could relate to and encourage him to invite them over to your house or out for an activity. Or join a club that the gentler kids attend so he can build on those relationships out of school.

Depending on his level of maturity, you may be able to help him by coming up with a plan of action. Ask him who are the kids he wants to make friends with and give him help to do so.

Finally, it sounds like these boys are bullying him (and probably other children too) The teacher needs to know about it, and your son needs to feel comfortable with telling an adult when these sorts of things happen. Keeping it quiet from the school is the worst thing you can do, so get him to tell, or meet with the teacher yourself, or with him.

Good luck!
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#3 of 5 Old 09-17-2002, 02:10 PM
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Are there activities outside of school he can participate in (scouts, church, clubs that focus on hobbies?) My brother never had friend in school. Being his little sister I didn't want to be his friend either but it still made me very sad that he went to school every day with out so much as one friend. (i think in high school he had a couple of friend but no deep relationships ever).
Gee I scarecly had any friends (I was usually stuck hanging out with the other rejected kids and we weren't so much friends but at least there is saftey in numbers) and I still felt bad for him.

I don't know that talking to his teacher would help. She can't force anyone to be friends with him and if she gives him any special attention or tries to play social director it may just single him out even more and embarras him. School is just such a tough place for some kids. If he could meet people outside of school, in a less socially competitive environment, perhaps it would be easier for him to form some close friendships.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#4 of 5 Old 09-25-2002, 01:55 AM
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When my son was in public school this happened to him to. He always got picked on. In first grade, he had some friends, then after winter break he came back to school wearing glasses. All the kids made fun of him and his "friends" wouldn't play w/him anymore We homeschooled for the remainder of the year (not only because of that) and for 2nd grade. In 3rd grade he went to public school.....didn't have any close friends. In 4th grade he had a situation like you described your son having. We've been homeschooling since then and will continue to do so. My son has met much nicer kids outside of school. I don't know why this is, perhaps in public school the worst type of group behavior comes out: Anyway, it's so awful to see your child go off and not have any friends I really recommend getting him involved in extra activites...try stuff where there is a good chance that there will be like minded kids attending. This is what worked for us......and you might have to try different groups/activities. We got lucky with a good soccer team and great 4-h group. We were going to try boy scouts but the groups around here aren't very liberal. Good luck!
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#5 of 5 Old 10-03-2002, 08:04 AM
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My dd, now 18, had very much the same heartbreaking problem. I remember sending my "little man" into school not knowing how his day would go. If he would play alone on the play ground or sit alone at lunch. He was in first grade then......

After a incident on the play ground which resulted in a trip to the ER and a broken arm. We brought him home to be schooled.

I remember the day I knew I had made the right choice.... We were at a homeschool play date and he was running around playing with his friends. He ran up to we and with eyes wide open and the biggest smile on his face proclaimed, "Look mommy, I have friends"

I know homeschooling isn't an option for alot of families. If it could be worked out you way want to consider giving it a try for awhile..

Good Luck!!
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