I am now a Mom to a 9 yo and I need a bit of education! - Mothering Forums

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Old 10-16-2002, 03:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all~

I have never posted on this board before because I was never a mom of a preteen. Now, I am and I am a bit scared to be truthful. My dh has a 9yo son and we are in the process of gaining full custody of him. Dh is leaving for Ohio on Friday, will appear in court Monday and will return home (MA) by Wednesday, with another child!

I am a bit concerned about the entire situation. I have never parented a 9 yo before. I know that he loves to make stuff (legos and stuff) and baseball. Dh and I have started by giving him his own room, do you think this is smart?? He could share a room with my 7 yo son, Teddy. We plan on letting him pick out the room decor when he gets here, smart or no?? You see I have so many trivial and important questions going through my head at the moment! To add to this issue, I hardly know my step son. The truth is though, in 7 short days I will will be Busymommy4!

So does anyone have any suggestions on how to sucessfully add this child to my family? Also, anyone have any insights/suggestions on how to parent a 9yo?? Lastly, do you guys think we should make a big deal out of his arrivial or should we amke it seem like no big deal?? I was thinking we could have a welcoming party, but am concerned that we will overwhelm him. Thanks for any insights you might have!
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Old 10-16-2002, 11:30 AM
 
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Well, I have an 11 year old and an 8 year old so I will base my response on them. For my sons, I think that a party would be a bit overwhelming. They would probably rather feel like a regular part of the family than a guest, no matter how warmly welcomed.

At age nine, I think having his own room will probably be great for him...he'll need a space to retreat to occasionally. By all means, let him decorate it. (I have experience, believe me when I say "HELP HIM WITH THE PAINTING!")

Most boys I know really get into music at around this age so a stereo/cd player for his room might be appreciated.

Another important thing is to be sure he knows that his friends are always welcome. Friends are very important at this age and he needs to feel comfortable inviting them over.

He is really lucky to be coming into a family that obviously cares so much about him. Just give yourselves time to learn about each other...it'll be great!
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Old 10-16-2002, 03:53 PM
 
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I agree with 3boysmom. At that age the party may be to overwhelming.


Just let him know how happy you are to have him in the family and that he is "home"

My is sister here and went through a very similar situation.
I will let her had her 2 cents!!!
( Hi , this is Clair, my dh and I gained custody of his then 10 year old daughter two years ago. )

Make sure there are equal number of pictures of him through out the house

Let him know you are not trying to take the place of his mother

Give him extra one on one time with his dad

Try to spend some one on one time with him yourself

Ask him what some of his favorite thing are to eat and try to have these at least afew nights per week

Realize her has most likely been throuh alot or you wouldn't have gotten custody

Get him a little frame to put a picture of his mom beside the bed

Encourage contact with his "other" side of the family

Never say anything negative about his mom

Realize her most likely will say at some point "your not my mom I dont have to do anything you say!!" I usaully say , I know , Iw ould never try to take the place of your mom, I know how much you love her.........

Give him special chores around the house to earn extra money
(things your 7 year old is too young to do)

Be easy on the physical stuff ( hugging and kissing) with him at first . My step daughter was not use to so much hugging and was uncomfortable at the beginning.

When you are in public and intruducing your kids NEVER call him your step son. I say'" these are OUR kids"

For holidays, find out how he is use to celebrating and try to in corporate this into your holiday plans

And most important, be easy on yourself. You will make mistakes but thats ok. Try to spend one night alone with your husband.

My sister is better on the boy stuff, I have all girls.......Clair
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Old 10-17-2002, 04:02 AM
 
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What great suggestions on here. I also thought I'd mention, even though this young guy is not even quite yet a preteen, that there is a very informative book you can get through Mothering called _Teens: A Fresh Look_ that might be very informative and helpful through the coming years.

Sierra

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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Old 10-17-2002, 04:34 AM
 
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just a little note about allowing own choice of room decoration:

when my ds was 9 the only colour he would have chosen for paint, curtains or bedding was black

now at 11 he wouldn't want that at all but back then...
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Old 11-23-2002, 02:55 AM
 
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Not a whole lot to add to the previous great posts just a {{{HUG}}} for you. You must be excited and scared at the same time. And I imagine it is somewhat like my sister is experiencing taking a foster child in -- an older child. lt's not as if you have known this child since day one..and even that takes time, to get to know your own newborn...you will more than likely have an adjustment period with ups and downs. Lucky for him you are an AP and are sensitive to all of the emotions that may be involved!!!
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