DD's BF not allowed to see her b/c Im a - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 10-29-2002, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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witch
Can you believe it? My sweet 14 year old daughter has been seeing this pretty cool 15 young man and he listens to KoRn and spikes his hair and hangs out here on weekends some, I talk about my sis who is HIV+ and I interact with them alot, I make my daughter carry condoms in her wallet, well I offer them to her, she does, They arent having sex, they havent had the opprtunity to for one thing, for another she says they arent... I do observe the Pagan holidays but he has never been here for any rituals, Maybe my daughter and he have discussed spellwork but I have always shared with them that spell work was beyond the scope that I wished to work in...and now I am finding myself very upset...we talk about God and philosophies, hate music, music lyrics, the elements, love music , sex, health, drugs, we covered alot of wonderful subjects...... I guess I have Pagan stuff up in my house? like the home made corn wheel we made at Lugh and the straw doll, last years Yule branch...my rocks/stones, .but noone knows what that stuff is, he has never asked, his poarents have never been here.. Im not really Wiccan even, EVEN IF I WAS!!!!!!besides they broke the poor kids guitars I suggested to my daughter that she tell him during the next secret phone call(daily after school before they get home, for like an hour and a half<roll eyes> that he tell his folks he wants to speak to a counselor, she told me they are forcing him to see a psychiatrist, he isnt allowed to go anywhere, do anything...I told her to tell him the opportunity to talk with a Dr was great...a break for him and to tell him everything about his parents are doing...Now Im thinking maybe thats not a good idea, what if he gets some backwards a&^ old man who thginks wearing black means you do drugs? I think the last straw was when he went home dressed up like THE CROW on Saturday...he looked so awesome too, they went to the mall, I was dressing up for a costume party and he and Hailey were going to the mall to meet his parents there and she was to go to dinner there...but something happened she said, and they brought her home instead, she said she thinks they saw her giving one of her other friends a kiss nand a hug and maybe that was wrong? Im like...NO!( believe me, shes in love with her "bo" the other friend she pecks on the cheek...) anyways...Not much I can do, she has asked me not to call and talk to them, altho if this gets worse I may anyways...well I will try and get her permission to let me...I would never against her wishes... mostly I guess Im venting...argh!
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#2 of 16 Old 10-29-2002, 06:52 PM
 
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Hey marymom,

I completelly understand how you feel. I have had more than one parent refuse to allow their kids to hang out with our kids. Reasons being ,

" they have nude art work in their home"
"they don't send their kids to school"
"they look like hippies"
"it is gross how she still nurses and she doesn't care who sees"



This list goes on and on......


I have finally just said F**** it!!

The most amazing thing is that the kids of these narrow minded parents realize that their folks are nuts and they zero respect for their mom and dad. They come to our house and tell me how they wish they could talk as open to their parents as they talk to me.

We are not pagan but I have friends who are, I have friends who are Jewish and Christian and Musslim and Hindu. Friends that are gay and straight. They are all welcome in our home. I think this openess frightens some parents. They are so afraid that their dear children are going to be led ASTRAY!!!!

Just my 2 cents worth.

By the way, you live in a beautiful place.... I envy you.....

Granolamom

I kow you are mad as hell. I always am when it happens
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#3 of 16 Old 11-03-2002, 01:08 AM
 
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I haven't had that happen yet, but I'm sure it will someday. I do worry slightly what people will think when they come into my house...in the living room I have nude art (we call it the naked room, lol!)....all tasteful, one's a Vargas (Diana w/dogs) two are expensive etchings I got at a Ren Faire. I also have landscapes and such, in different rooms. Anyway, DS1 tells people right up front about our life...when we moved into this house he went to the neighbors and promptly informed him that he was homeschooled and him mom was preg and going to have the baby at home......lol! My neighbors are cool, luckily. Anyway, I wish I had advice for you....I can just offer sympathy.
Kristi

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#4 of 16 Old 11-04-2002, 12:38 AM
 
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I can so relate!

My son-in-law was not allowed to see dd because "our family wasn't a Godly influence on him." I think we are a little too open for them. When he was 18 he moved in with his older brother and they blamed us for influencing him to "run away from home."

I could go on and on, but you wouldn't believe it. I think you have the idea. The sad part is that his parents still give them such a hard time and recently told him he is dead to them until he comes to his senses and stops believeing the lies and witchcraft of me and his wife.

I'm sorry for your daughter, and I pray she doesn't get too hurt by them. I'll tell my daughter to check out this thread and see if she has any helpful advise for your dd.

peace,
b.
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#5 of 16 Old 11-04-2002, 02:15 AM
 
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ARG, we are the hippy parents with a corn wheel over our fireplace too. Just had comments on it from neighbors visiting over halloween. Luckily I haven't had any negative situations over it, but I am very low key. Do not discuss spells or magic with those not pagan.

Sorry your having to deal with this.
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#6 of 16 Old 11-04-2002, 03:15 AM
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Ahhh - yes - those parents. I remember them well.
When I was in high school and just beginning to really get into Wicca and Paganism, some Shamanism - I shared it with my best friend. Who of course thinking her mom was the best - went home and shared it with her. Well - mom decided that I was worshipping the devil and was going to take her daughter to hell with me. From that moment on I was not allowed to see my best friend at all outside of school.
MOre over, the guy my best friend was dating was not allowed to see her either - apparently I rubbed off. (I think her mom was just scared she would have sex....whoops - too late already missed that milestone, mom!: )
I spent the last three years of my high school career finding ways to hang out with my best friend without her mom knowing, arranging meeting with her boyfriend...etc.
She wasn't even allowed to give me a ride home after school or talk to me on the phone!!
When I was a senior our band (yes I was in Marching band - no one make any comments) was going on a trip to CA for the Hollywood Xmas parade. My best friend, her twin and me were going to share a room. We had signed up for a room, and everything was set. Her mom went to the band director told him I was a satanist and that she thought I was a horrible person and that she would pull her daughters out of band before letting them room with me. So instead of moving two people into a different room - he moved me. I spent my senior band trip with a room full of annoying freshmen i didn't like!!!
Mom convinced best friend's sister that I was evil - and sis tried to convert me a lot. Spent a lot of time weeping over my soul and that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the benefits of heaven with her. IN the end sis turned out to be a lot mroe sane when mom's insanity (and mom was nuts) started transferring on to her as well.

This whole thing was so well known in the band that one of my friends, in his senior will, willed my friend's mom a satanic bible. Needless to say - mom didn't think it was terribly funny. I however, I thought it was hysterical!!!

I feel for the poor boy. I went through something similar for three years. It was a bummer. I was stressed out and upset the whole time. I couldn't go to prom with my best friend - cause she wasn't allowed to go with her boyfriend. I couldn't go to a movie with her, or spend the night. I had major verbal fights with her mom (not fun for a high schooler) and had to explain to my teacher that I was not a satanist. Plus she volunteered for the band and was there to chaperone everything that we did. So I had to deal with her a lot.
I think that her mom is one of the major reasons that she and I are no longer friends - (that and a major case of boyfriend mess:LOL)

I don't have any advice - just be supportive and let the boy know - if you can - that you will cover for him or whatever if you would. And make sure your daughter knows that she isn't a horrible person and that it isn't her fault. It can be really hard to think that you are the source of all things bad and wrong - especially at that age. You don't even think about things like this at that age - and then you are being blamed for possibly corrupting someone's immortal soul.
So good luck and be as sane and rational as you can!

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#7 of 16 Old 11-04-2002, 09:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks yall
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#8 of 16 Old 11-04-2002, 11:57 AM
 
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May I share something ironic? When I was in Catholic High school none of my friends were "religious" at all. We then all transferred to different public schools. My one friend neverfelt she fit in and when she got to her new school a guy whom she had nothing in common with, began to pay attention to her. She desperately wanted aboyfriend so she began dating him, etc. He was into "death Metal", y'know the music which has many of its artists openlypracticing satanism. Ok. Here's the twist, him and all of his friends (from his death metal band too!!) ran a school based (yes, public school now) Christian (supposedly Pentecostal) bible study group. My friend got involved deeply and she began hitting on every boy I knew, making out with them, then preaching baout Jesus! I went over to her friends with the "cool" parents that help with the bible group and guess what? The yactually had REAL Satanic books, bibles, etc. through the house! They were discussing it as if the norm and it was horrendously creepy. I know litle about Satanism but this little Christian/Satanic Cultish thing was too much for me. My friend went down hill from there and we haven't spoken in years (she did something to me...)

Point is, I bet the Moms you all are speaking of would've been thrilled if the yheard your kids were in this 'wonderful" Christian bible study group at school. How ignorant. (BTW: I know that Paganism has NOTHING to do with Satanism, I just no little about Satanism.)
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#9 of 16 Old 11-10-2002, 12:35 PM
 
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Anyone who is a practising witch must be very discreet. There are friends with whom one shares this information, and then there's the rest of the world. I'm not saying that's the way it should be, just that that's the way it is. If you look back through the history of witchcraft, the witches who have survived to pass along their craft are the ones who have practised either alone or have used their powers to keep this from others who do not understand. Our world is still a dangerous place on many levels because of people whose religious beliefs include fear and punishment. Be careful out there.
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#10 of 16 Old 11-10-2002, 12:45 PM
 
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Wow. I need to make a confession. Several years ago I stopped seeing a friend -- and had my kids stop seeing her kids -- because she was a witch. I admit this was my own complete ignorance. And also a denial and fear because I was really attracted to many of the ideas she presented. But deathly afraid of them because of past indoctrinations, etc. (Still struggling with the fears.) She was a very cool person. BUT the other thing was that her son -- I think about 8 at the time -- had this secret box of nude pictures. Some he had drawn, some he had cut out of magazines. And some were pornographic! This really freaked me out! The mom knew about it and called it his "private box" but it weirded me out. And I'm not saying her being a pagan had anything to do with this other thing. I'm just saying it was more than the paganism that stopped us coming over.

When my kids were little they had friends that would come over and say their parents thought we were weird. And the kids would try to tidy up our house! : And the girl said her mom told her not to use our bathroom!!! I mean my house WAS a mess but not a health department case, ya know?!

And I remember being in this really weird feeling place because on the one hand, ours was the house to be. We had books all over and I'd make snacks for the kids, they could watch videos, listen to music, whatever. And on the other hand, the kids looked at us like we were somehow less than their parents, who, by the way, did not allow their kids into the living room or dining room! They could only go into the basement, kitchen or their bedrooms!!! Still, their judgements HURT, even considering the source.

Also, my kids & I were excluded from someone's friendship because we have a television and eat sugar.

Exclusivism SUCKS!

BUT, may I ask, are the parents suggesting the boy see a psych because of the way he dresses? Or because of his relationship w/
dd, or a combination? And have you ever spoken with the parents? Or would that be insane?
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#11 of 16 Old 11-10-2002, 07:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Being able to see the other side is always a good place to be I think, thanks for your disclosure
It isnt insane to consider tal;king to his parents about it but truth be told, Im thinking...they werent THAT serious yet, and at the point we were all at, I dont think they would have been very open, plus my daughter really didnt want me to, (it was my first thought tho)
Apparently after seeing thge psych and working on whatever...they have now allowed him to call her(he has been doing that all along) and it turns out they only smashed one of his guitars, the other 2 they gave to his mom and he got them back yesterday altho one he said has a huge gash in it? whatever...I have had to eat alot ofg my words about Hailey(dd) at this point now, well change my...mothering somewhat, maybe not eat my words ...anyways, after this incident Hailey really lost it and vented alopt of anger AT me, so I am trying to be a friend but putting up some boundaries...I wish I could share with these parents how much their actions with their son have affected my daughter,
To the poster about hiding my beliefs, I am not a witch in the first place but I am really careful about some stuff but I feel I have a duty, to be true to my beliefs and at least my tolerance of beliefs ~like a moral obligation, and if others exclude me from their stuff so beit, but maybe I am reaping some of my seeds<shrug shoulders> ahhhh well, it is what it is, shes at the mall now, and I think life will go on, I am so glad I have this place to come share about her...sorry this is so darn long!!!
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#12 of 16 Old 11-10-2002, 08:17 PM
 
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Marymom -- let me clarify. I didn't say you should hide your beliefs. I said that you should choose carefully to whom you reveal your personal business. I am still trying to figure out this whole guitar-smashing part of the story in the original post. What was that supposed to accomplish????
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#13 of 16 Old 11-11-2002, 01:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yes, I DO agree about being discreet, I just hate that too...
and I dont mean to be...defensive about the witch part, I dont have a problem with Wiccan, just that Im not...but, ahhh well...who knows about the guitars...who knows, maybe they will get back together and Ill talk to his parents some day and ...maybe not, Im just trying to hang in there with Hailey myself at this point, its interesting to read my comments when this first happened like 2 weeks ago and follow to where I am now, the change in my daughter-well, she had a really hard time, and now she is getting her grip back...but the stuff she had a hard time with was not directly connected to this AT ALL, but I cant help but wonder if it isnt interconnected(well we know it is somehow) to all this...
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#14 of 16 Old 11-12-2002, 02:31 AM
 
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Sounds like the parents are having a major problem accepting their son for who he is and then looking for a scapegoat to *blame* "him" on.

So many kids are ushered through psych offices and wards because their parents think there is something wrong with them. Yet they fail to look at the *whole* family. Smashing their son's guitars?? What's up with that?? Who needs a psych here? Anger management classes for mom and pop perhaps?
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#15 of 16 Old 11-23-2002, 03:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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omgoddess its happening again,
The boy came to our house this afternoon and tells me he did not go home after school that he cant take it anymore, they started in on him with the satan thing again and he is just a kid, I mean, ...so I told him he cant stay here, I cant do that legally, but I find him a place, a shelter where they will call his folks and, they cant force his parents to let him stay but the l;ady said the counselors will go to bat for the kid, but the young man wants to hang with Hailey (my dd) ofcourse for the evening at the mall<roll eyes> -I informed the two that his parents would likely find them and that would end it all, but you know teens, so...it was a hard lesson for the both of them Im sure but one I apparently couldnt teach them, they had to live and learn,...they went to the mall and his parents found them, Hailey said the dad yellat her and threatened to call the police on her (I wasnt there) and me...I told her we had done nothing wrong, ok,
Tomorrow I am going to lovingly, with grace and compassion, try to communicate with these "parents" Im sure they are just in so much fear...and if that doesnt work I have decided to call protective services, I feel horrible for this young man -the things he told me tonight, they hid the phones from him while they are at work, they live wayyy out so he cant walk really anywhere...noone is allowed to see him, the guitars are gone they tore up his books of poetry(satan again) and he spoke this time of having been in a foster home or something as a young child(and abused) so now there is something I can ask to have investigated where they will have to talk to the young man, please keep him and his parents in your thoughts~ thankyou.
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#16 of 16 Old 12-08-2002, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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just a quick update to say...drumrollllllllll
the young man was here last Friday night and his parents dropped him off and picked him up, they were pleasant on the phone and I invited the dad in and he was ever so kind and seemed so...nice!!! (about face?!)Sooooooooooo WHO KNOWS! but Im glad I had this board to post on and get support from because I didnt do anything stupid or react in anger to them which in my opinion would have been a big mistake and I think now my Hailey is over the whole thing anyways but you never know, interestingly the father shared with me that he and his wife have been together ever since they were eXactly my daughter's and his son's exact age(14 and 15) so maybe thats why he was so concerned, lol, thinking he was going to have my daughter in his family(gasp) but anyways, I(sincerely) complimented him on that huge accomplishment -I think thats a very awesome thing in todays world when a couple can stay together that long...and he complimented my family's Christmas tree and that was that- thought Id just update the drama, and perhaps give it closure alls well that ends well!
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