11 year old daughter heard us having sex - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 37 Old 06-05-2005, 05:20 PM
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For better, worse, or just different, I've taken a very different approach with my kids. Our bedroom door has a lock and we have always told our kids when we want to be left alone because we want to have sex. Since we so openly discuss it I was surprised when my 8yo said that sex was something that hurts mommies... by hearing me he just assumed...

She may not be old enough to have sex, but she's certainly old enough to masturbate, which is it's own way of "thinking" about it, so you might want to keep that in mind when talking to her. Did you hand her the book or go over it with her? Did she ask questions then? If not, maybe a new book that you go over together would be a good idea. Also, maybe talking to a counselor yourself to learn how to commuicate about it in a healthy way, without the influence of the demons from your childhood. Planned Parenthood has some phamplets on talking to young kids about sex, various topics for different ages & such too. Good luck. s

snopes.com has this to say about the bracelets, which puts it a good perspective, also later comparing it to the soda pop tabs of my generation:

"Officials at each of these schools have taken this stance [of banning the bracelets] not because the acts signified by various colors are being carried out, but to protect children from premature sexualization. Nothing in the various "sex bracelet" news stories we've pawed through indicates girls are actually using these fashion items to declare willingness to engage in various acts, or that boys are breaking girls' bracelets in the belief that so doing grants them a right to claim what they think has been advertised. Rather, the bannings are an attempt to unring a bell — to return children to a time when they weren't so focused on sex.

Premature sexualization of young people is a valid concern, which is why parents are up in arms over the messages the bracelets purportedly communicate. Even if there's no actual hanky-panky going on (and as we've said, we see no reason to suppose that there is), such rumors encourage youngsters to view themselves and their classmates in sexual terms. It's disquieting to imagine children in Grade 3 mulling the possibility of lap dances, let alone of oral sex or intercourse. Such codes and rumors also serve to desensitize kids to the physical side of love, to lose awareness of its importance and specialness..."
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#32 of 37 Old 06-06-2005, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Curious Me
With scrunched together eybrows and my mouth droppped, I ask "Huh?????????????????????????????"

First, I'm searching my memory bank (many, many years of having sex) and I can't find anything that sounds like fighting.

Second, WHY would a parent tell their child that they are fighting when they are doing something quite the opposite? How did he even come up with that? Why did you warn him not to say that -- has he said that before? Is that what his parents would say to him? If you were a child, would that be a plausible explanation for those noises? Would you feel lied to? Deceived? Would you trust your parents to tell you the truth about things? Is the fighting so common that's it's dismissed simply with "...go back to bed." ???

I am genuinely curious and confused here.

Well, you may search your memory and not find anything that might sound like fighting, however, you're not in my bedroom. Not to sound rude, but different people have different sex lives, and honestly, that's really all I have to say. I know what the boy heard (nothing BAD), but I do know it was enough for him to *think* something else was up. It was also enough for ME to say 'don't tell him we were fighting', because 1, we were not, and 2, this was during a difficult time in our relationship where we WERE doing alot of fighting, and this was NOT one of those times, and I didn't want the kids thinking we were going to bed just to fight more...kwim?

Relationships are different and so are sex lives. Just cause it ain't in your past, doesn't mean it's not in mine.
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#33 of 37 Old 06-06-2005, 02:37 PM
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I'm really confused as to why she would cry. I can see being grossed out, embarrassed, even angry that I was exposed to my parents sexual behavior (not that she was truly "exposed to it" but yk), but being hurt enough to cry? I don't understand that *at all*. IMO you have to talk to her to find out what's going on in her mind.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#34 of 37 Old 06-06-2005, 09:23 PM
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When my Daddy came home from Desert Storm, I was about 10 years old... almost her age! His very first night home I heard them having sex. And even though I knew what sex was, I didn't know the basics, and I didn't know that you could feel so good that it makes you moan. Moaning was for hurting, kwim? And I felt upset that they were obviously still awake, but I was banished to my bedroom after not seeing daddy for a year, and it hurt my feelings so much that I cried. Mom found me crying, and got very angry with me, which confused me even more.

I think that you should talk to her and say something like "when 2 people love each other as much as we do, they have sex. And sex, between 2 loving adults, feels very good, and it causes us to make sounds that might alarm you if you were to hear them. But don't worry, it is just a sound that we make when we are loving each other."
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#35 of 37 Old 06-06-2005, 11:38 PM
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I was also sexually abused as a child. I've been wondering if I will tell my children that I was abused. I think I will, but not sure to what extent. I'm a student-midwife and we tell children all about the sounds Mommies make when they're trying to get a baby out. So I think when sex ed comes about, it might be good to explain the good sounds you make, kinda like when you eat something yummy and you say Mmmm. Reflect a lot on how you feel about sex and the good and bad things about it. Decide what you want her to know. I don't want my daughter to be ashamed or think of sex as dirty, but I certainly want her to know some people are sick and use sex to hurt. I also want her to know that when you're not mature enough for sex, it can be dangerous and hurtful. You may want to tell her exactly what you meant when you said that it can be dangerous. Let her know that you're always there for her if she needs you. Tell her it's important for her to respect your time with dh, but if she needs you, you're there for her.
Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?

Jessica, mama to Emma, 7, Mattie, 5.5 and Lilly, 3 and someone new this Halloween-ish.

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#36 of 37 Old 06-11-2005, 04:03 AM
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Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?
Good questions... I still haven't figured out what is the right thing to do on this one. Curious to see what others think.
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#37 of 37 Old 06-11-2005, 09:36 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by JoyofBirth
I was also sexually abused as a child. I've been wondering if I will tell my children that I was abused. Also, as a general question to everyone, do you try to be quiet and not make much noise? Or do you just do your normal thing?

first of all, i told my children about me being sexually abused and how it wasnt my fault and that if it ever happens to them to talk to mommy because I will listen and believe them and we wont let anyone get away with it. my kids dont talk about it like its something to be ashamed of. they only talk about it if they see something on tv, they might say something like "thats what happened to mommy" but i encourage you to tell them so if it ever happened to them, it encourages them from feeling ashamed and makes them feel like if mom can tell us it happened to her then we can tell her it happened to us because i was afraid to tell. i felt like i was dirty.

we are quiet but she admitted to standing at our door with her ear up to it and she heard us talking (quietly) and the bed moving. our bed is quiet but its not completely stationary. I did finally talk to her and told her that if she hears something like that, she has our permission to turn her radio on low and that it is something that we as a married couple do and that there is nothing wrong with sex in a marriage. ( i talked to a friend who is a counselor and they made this suggestion) and when i asked her why she was crying, she said she didnt know.
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