I am so hurt - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The other day my 13 yo son came to me and said he wanted to go live with his dad. I was so shocked. I tried to explain that that was not possible as this was his home. That he always knew he could call his dad and see his dad when ever he wanted. But I so feel as if his statement was a rejection on me. My heart is breaking.
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#2 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:39 PM
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I am a new member and I have a small child. This has never happened to me.
I did not want to read without posting.
I am so sorry. I can' t imagine how painful this must be.
Is it possible...he is a boy, on the cusp, as they say, of manhood. Perhaps he merely wants a male influence around (eg this is not personal, I do not think you are a man?) Also unfortunately, as someone who was adopted by my step dad...I must say at age 13-14 I started idealizing what my life would be like if I were with my biodad. I had no reason to think it would be any better/different. I was hormonal and angry, for reasons that had little to do with my parents personally.
Could this be it too? It wouldn't be to do with you mama.
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#3 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:41 PM
 
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I know you are hurt by his request, but I think that that happens with a lot of boys at that age despite a close relationship with mom. My stepfather asked to go to live with his father when he was around that age even though he really loved his mom. He spent a few weeks with his father, but he ended up back where he belonged.
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#4 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:44 PM
 
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I can't imagine the hurt you must be! That would truly be heartbreking. My parents shared custody of my sister and me. All the back and forth really got to me, and at 13 I told my dad that I just wanted to live with my mom. It was the one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
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#5 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My current husband has practically raised our son for the last 9 years. He (ds) has 4 other brothers and sisters here. His father (bio) does not work and really sits on the sofa all day. His (bio father's) grandmother works to support the two of them and she is 78 with Lupus. I do let ds see them whenever he wants and actually all the kids see them. I have a better relationship with my ex-mil than I do with my current mil. Do you really think this is just a teenage thing. I do want him to know his father but this is HIS HOME. I am so upset.
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#6 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:51 PM
 
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No words of advice, just a hug
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#7 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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This is my biggest fear with ds1

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#8 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 05:57 PM
 
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Have you tried talking to him about WHY he asked to live with his dad?

Maybe he'd be satisfied with spending a few weeks there over the summer (if that's an option.) Maybe there's another need that he thinks will be met by living with Dad that could be met in some other way.

He might also be asking to live with Dad if Dad doesn't have any real rules or discipine and you do.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#9 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 06:04 PM
 
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I too have heard this happens a lot with young teen boys.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#10 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 06:26 PM
 
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I have pretty much resigned myself to my 10 year old asking at some point to go and live with his dad. I have no advice, but a for you. I can only imagine.
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#11 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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I know this request hurts you. but i will tell you what i know from experience (actually my husbands). he lived with his mother until he was 16. he saw his dad whenever he wanted and had a good relationship with both of them. but he said as he got older he needed his dad. it hurt him to leave his mother and was a hard choice for him to make, but he felt he needed to be in constant contact with his dad because he needed a guys perspective and understanding. not that his mom was not an amazing mom, but that she was not a guy.
he said he was going through things at school and his personal life and also the changes of growing up and needed a man constantly to look up too.

Talk to your son and see what his reasons are. Open your heart and listen to him. This may be a good choice for him now. i know it hurts you. but listen to him and find out his reasoning.
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#12 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 07:43 PM
 
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I'm not sure, but it sounds like he needs a father figure. Just my guess. I am sorry you are going thru this.

Jenn
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#13 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 07:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla
He might also be asking to live with Dad if Dad doesn't have any real rules or discipine and you do.

yup. sounds like the key reason.

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
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#14 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 08:06 PM
 
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Sorry Momma. Sometimes kids think the grass is greener on the other side.
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#15 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 09:18 PM
 
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oh- forgot earlier-

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
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#16 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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#17 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 10:02 PM
 
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Oh Mama I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hurt you must be. I'm sure it's not a rejection of you though, try talking to him.

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
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#18 of 20 Old 05-27-2005, 10:18 PM
 
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BTDT- This is completely normal teenage boy thing. Completely.

On thing to keepin mind is that teenage boys hormones makes mother attention almost unbearable. They often just can't cope with their hormones as well as momma's. I think in their teen years, boys are very aware of the process of becoming men and stepdad issues can be difficult. Think about two bucks clashing horns. So the things that might be going on are- he feels overwhelmed with your love and devotion. (Nothing personal, it often happens.) He feels conflicted about his feelings about his stepfather. (Also not personal.) And in those confused feelings, he thinks that perhaps he would feel better if he lived with the easiest person he knows, his bio-father.

I believe that this need to be around people who aren't emotionally intensely involved with the teenager is why boarding schools were invented. :LOL

The whole point of strong attachment work in their beautiful baby years is so that you don't give up on them in the separation years.

Maureen
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#19 of 20 Old 05-29-2005, 11:31 PM
 
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Moving this to Preteens and Teens...
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#20 of 20 Old 05-30-2005, 02:29 AM
 
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When i was ateenager i would always throw that line at my mum, now i know how hurtful that must of been for her as she is the best mum. It was partly a rebelious thing and like a pp said the grass is always greener. Talk to son and explain your reservations. I lived with my dad for 2 months when i was 16 due to mum going overseas, and i couldnt wait to come home to her! Hoppefully he stays with you, i would cry my heart if this happens with my ds when he gets older.
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