constant smart mouthing - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 02:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
elyice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
what do you do about this?
elyice is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 08:55 AM
 
babysx9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 138
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wish I could help. I need the answer to this as well.
babysx9 is offline  
#3 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 04:59 PM
Dar
 
Dar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 11,249
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How old are the kids?

I really think that there are two kinds of smart mouthing - the "intend to piss Mom off" type, in which the kid has been thwarted in something and intentionally sets off to run her mouth and be annoying, and the "lacking filters type" type, in which the kid is just talking in a way that reflects her feelings at the time (generally annoyed about something), and totally not thinking about (or really caring about) how her words will come out and sound to others. Nine to twelve seem prime time for both of these, and really it's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

This so gets to me, btw, so I've worked on being extremely vigilant about my responses and not going off, and knowing that it's age-appropriate behavior - not fun, but normal. If I think it could be type 2 (and I try to give the benefit of the doubt), usually I go for a low-key, "That's not a polite was to speak to me." Usually the child (mine or one I work with) will catch herself then and rephrase or apologize, and then I know that it was inadvertant. If it seems intentional, then I think it's doubly important to keep myself in check, but my response will be stronger - "That was rude. Being rude to me is not okay."

I also think it's really important not to go tit-for-tat with this, and it's so easy to get caught up and start dishing rudeness back... but that perpetuate the cycle. Stay strong, be patient, it does slowly pass...

dar

 
fambedsingle1.gifSingle mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler earth.gif


  

Dar is offline  
#4 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 05:16 PM
 
crazymom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 66
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I respond just as Dar does....constant reminding of how I expect to be treated and talked to and if the "talking back" continues it is grounding for the day/night, meaning no TV, phone, computer time, and an eventual, heart felt apology......that is about all I know to do....hope it helps!
crazymom is offline  
#5 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 05:16 PM
 
AngelBee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brighton, MN
Posts: 19,261
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

AngelBee is offline  
#6 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
elyice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 503
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes, I am in the tit for tat cycle. It is the rude intrentional smart mouthing- sassing and getting fresh- neverthought Iwould be using those terms.
I will say " clean your room please" and she'll say "can you leave me alone now?" I'll say "yes, bye" and when I turn my back she'll say "GOOD YOU ARE GONE!!"
that is the better episode.
elyice is offline  
#7 of 31 Old 06-11-2005, 11:41 PM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've got this going on and DS is only 10 of course i have a very spirited DS.

I usually try try not to get into it with him , which he wants. I just go away from him for a while and start doing something else. eventually he apoligizes

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#8 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 12:12 AM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think my 16 yr old does this because he thinks he's clever and is trying out certain 'attitude'". Sometimes it bugs me, esp if he is being demanding. When he does it that way, I tell him that I don't feel warm towards him when he's telling me what to do, and that what i do for him is from my heart. I've also told him that when his mouth is a little too smart, I tend to want to shut down. Why would I want to drive a fresh mouth 20 miles out of my way?? I remind him not to bite the hand that feeds (and adores) him.

OTHO, sometimes he says things that are just so snippy and hilarious they border on Comdey Central stuff. Sometimes I aks him "Did you make that up? If you did, you need to write it down and use it in the future".

Teens are their own book. I swear. Sometimes he cracks me up and I think he is the most clever kid on the face of the earth, and sometimes i want to slap him silly. :LOL :
UUMom is offline  
#9 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 12:23 AM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Is this what i have to look foreward to??
LOL

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#10 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 12:30 AM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, i have to say that 98% of the time, my 16 yr old is totally delightful. He cracks me up. He has a very dry and wicked sense of humor. Mostly, I can't get enough of him.

YK, I cannot choose a fav age. I love newborns- so tiny and adorable. So wearable (I look cute in a Bjorn ) and I love any excuse to sit and nurse. I love toddlers- so verbal and open, if challenging. The 'preschool' age is so thoughtful and curiious. The 'school age' child is talkative and interested in all things fair. My teen is this fantastic, funny, clever near-adult. A good luncheon companion, someone to talk politics with. Someone who can correct my spelling. :LOL

I love all ages and I want more kids.
UUMom is offline  
#11 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 10:01 AM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i love your attitude UUmom, I sometimes get so frustrated w/ DS that i lose sight of his wonderful creativity and (sometimes hidden) kind heart

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#12 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 10:25 AM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks, BelovedK. Keeping a sense of humor has helped me through many sticky times. Perspective is also a handy thing. Often i think back at situations that seemed so important at the time but really were not. I can't tell you how frequently I have simply looked the other way or ignored particular comments. Sometimes kids just want to vent and do not actually believe what they are saying.

I think about my highly sensitive child (not the teen, who is only moderatly highly sensitive ) , and how one minute I'm hearing how I am the worst mother ever because I only buy " healthy, organic food', but within 2 minutes is chatting with me about neopets and then helps me get dinner ready. Sometimes a vent is just a vent. And sometimes venting around the people who love you most is the best medicine. Any commentary from me would have prolonged the entire vent. Later, easily, I can talk about wanting to help their bodies grow well, and was there anything they wanted to add to the list for the next market trip.

Discussing certain things in the heat of the moment isn't always in my best interest or my child's. It's easier to talk about big ideas (like health and pesticides in this particula case) when we're all calm and in the mood for thoughtful chatting.
UUMom is offline  
#13 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 01:37 PM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So true....LOL

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#14 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 07:27 PM
 
UnschoolnMa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Trying to release my cows..Join Me!
Posts: 14,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Dar's post reflects my feelings on this sort of thing too. Determining what's really happening is important I think, as well as remembering that it's that time in their lives.

If I feel some tension in a comment or exchange I might say, "Is something bothering you? Because you seem to be a little snippy/short in your voice and comments. What's up?" or "I don't really like the way you are talking to me. I try hard to talk kindly to you." etc.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
peace.gif  Embrace the learning that is happening within the things that are actually happening!    
UnschoolnMa is offline  
#15 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 07:28 PM
 
UnschoolnMa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Trying to release my cows..Join Me!
Posts: 14,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom
Discussing certain things in the heat of the moment isn't always in my best interest or my child's. It's easier to talk about big ideas (like health and pesticides in this particula case) when we're all calm and in the mood for thoughtful chatting.
I totally agree, and we go this route often too.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
peace.gif  Embrace the learning that is happening within the things that are actually happening!    
UnschoolnMa is offline  
#16 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 07:31 PM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That's so true. Whenever i share my feelings about 'smart mouthing' with my teen, he's so willing to hear me and often says 'I know. I wouldn't like you to say that to me. Sorry". I just think sometimes they can't help it. There is so much going on for them emotioally.
UUMom is offline  
#17 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 07:35 PM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We posted to each other's posts at the same time. I'm not telling myself "That's so true". lol Although, I could often use a self- pep talk. :LOL
UUMom is offline  
#18 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 08:09 PM
 
PancakeGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 5,264
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My problem is I can't expect him to stop being snotty with me until I do something about MY habit of using sarcasm when I'm frustrated. : Well, actually, just with my oldest, and he's the one who gives it right back.
PancakeGoddess is offline  
#19 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 09:01 PM
 
BelovedK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: wandering around.... with an aim.
Posts: 16,765
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Right on, It's like saying "no TV" when you watch it yourself after they are in bed, or expecting them not to curse when you have a mouth like a sailor (that's one of our problems...gotta watch my mouth : )

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
BelovedK is offline  
#20 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 11:16 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think 10yo dd's day is complete if we are not or by bedtime.
Irishmommy is offline  
#21 of 31 Old 06-12-2005, 11:42 PM
 
maya44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I too respond as Dar does. [wow there is a first for everything LOL]

Also, I think this is so very NORMAL for a pre-teen girl. Also, have you read "Get out of my life, but first could you take me and Cheryl to the mall."
It talks about the reason for this behavior and I buy its theory that girls do this because they are caught between feelings of wanting to be dependant still and being ashamed of those feelings.

[Dar, its prob way too non-TCS for you, but it has some great insights and it defintitely believes teens should have a voice in things]
maya44 is offline  
#22 of 31 Old 06-13-2005, 10:09 AM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do think some personalities are more prone to agument than others. My kid who argues the most seems to hate it the most, yet the child cannot shut up. Anything anyone else says to calm him down or to 'reason' with him becomes fodder for more arguing.

Personally, I hate fighting, so I just stand there thinking 'How is this fun? And how can I stop it?" If I say nothing it's over quicker. I am excellent at ignoring things said under the breath, or words spoken as I walk away. The "Good you're gone' thing would have me thinking "Thank god, maybe it's over, if I say nothing". Plus, I think it's good for words to kind of hang and echo in the air for the word-hurler to hear. If we fill in all the quiet spaces, they don't have to focus on their own words, only ours.
UUMom is offline  
#23 of 31 Old 06-13-2005, 10:18 AM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,207
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I read Get out of My Life" and it's def not just about girls! I think all teen are caught between independance and needing the security of a parent. I tell my kids it's ok to feel this--that's why childhood is at least 18 yrs long. I told them they can need us for as long as they need us. My nearly 13 yr old is esp worried about this, for some reason. I reassure her that I'm here for as long as she needs me.

I've shared my feelings about being spoken to harshly. That's not the way to communication. I've told my son that I appreciate the huge changes he is experieincing-- he's never been a teen before, but then I remind him that I have never been the mother of a teen. We're all in this together and are trying to be a supportive family. I do think, despite the occassional smart-mouthing, that my teen (and my other kids) gets this.
UUMom is offline  
#24 of 31 Old 06-13-2005, 11:01 AM
 
mindycat72's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 284
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by benjalo
My problem is I can't expect him to stop being snotty with me until I do something about MY habit of using sarcasm when I'm frustrated. : Well, actually, just with my oldest, and he's the one who gives it right back.

Acid tongue here too...
mindycat72 is offline  
#25 of 31 Old 06-13-2005, 11:14 AM
 
granolamom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 1,620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We have had the same problem here off and on for YEARS....


A few years ago I started tellling the kids what was in my heart when they spoke to me that way...I say something like.." You have the right to be pissed off/bothered by me right now but you do not have the right to hurt me with your words or additude" then I just walk away ..9 out of 10 times they will come find me in a few minutes and act like nothing happened....


Peace
granolamom is offline  
#26 of 31 Old 06-13-2005, 06:54 PM
 
shell024's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Guam
Posts: 1,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was a VERY smart mouthed teen (well...my mom tells me that it never ended! :LOL ).

Coming from me, i was definitely testing out my "conversational and debate" skills. My mom just happened to be the set of ears that my comments would always be thrown at. Maybe the fact that I knew she would still love me no matter what let me think it was okay to talk like that to her. My mom too would sometimes just start laughing when I would just keep running my mouth. I would protest "HOW COULD YOU LAUGHING AT A TIME LIKE THIS???" but then end up laughing with her...and realize how rediculous i did sound. : :LOL

As I don't have a teenager yet, all I can say is to be very patient and use lots of humor. Though I think it is important to be told when what you are saying is NOT appropriate...because a lot of times I wouldn't even realize that I may have hurt my mom's feelings...until after she pointed it out to me.

And those comments like "Good your gone!".... (I think UUMom commented on it...but not sure...) I agree, about letting those words hang in the air. I always had to have the last word, but often when my mom would just ignore me or "let me win" I would feel bad and realize it wasn't worth it to always try and have the last word.

Good luck! I know I was a handful and will probably get my karma down the road (pregnant with my first! )

Creating Art. Living life on Guam. Sharing my Journey.

shell024 is offline  
#27 of 31 Old 06-18-2005, 11:31 AM
 
Maggi315's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 2,315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We too have this problem in my house and I can't stand it! it just sets off my button. I really think it is normal, but I also don't think kids should be allowed to get away with it. They do need to learn respect. But, as a pregnant woman with little ones to worry about, I tend to let too much go. If I don't, then I blow up or lose my patience.

One book that really helped me in this area is "backtalk" which i got from the library. It is a very no-nonsense, strict approach, a little too much for me to follow, but it had some very good points and some ideas we follow.

For instance, if my daughter is rude to me in public, either her or I need to leave. I have sent her to sit in the car, or just walked away and left her. And of course, if she asks for something from me a few minutes later, I tell her no.

I tell her I wouldn't tolerate any else treating me like sh*t and making me miserable in my house and I won't tolerate it from her. If she has been rude and upsetting and then wants me to drive her somewhere, I simply tell her no, try again tomorrow. I also send her to her room for disrupting the family-the little ones already pick up on her attitude. I make her practice talking in a more respectful manner when she is unhappy and sometimes I make her run through the whole scene again with me.

Now, if it is a small transgression, everyone is tired or stressed, etc. I tend to just ignore that, let her express herself, but the bigger ones or disruptive ones, get attention.

Goodluck, this is something I deal with daily and I hate it, I just don't feel up to it right now! Parenting is hard no matter how old everyone is!
Maggi315 is offline  
#28 of 31 Old 06-18-2005, 03:01 PM
 
tiredmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 70
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DD is 13.5 and she too is VERY sassy with me. I too chalk it up to the fact that I am very sarcastic, and a lot of the time I think she is throwing back at me what I have said to her. I think I only see this this because I was raised hearing "treat others how you want to be treated" all the time but then I step back sometimes and think maybe it's me treating her back how she was treating me. I do try to stop, and I can tell you when she does it IT pushes my buttons. I am single and working out of the home, so I am not home much and once I am I sure know I don't like to be sassed, I get enough of it at work...lol I am trying to take baby steps to make things better but I am also hoping its just a stage. I feel for all of you going through this too and I know it will get better as time passes.
tiredmum is offline  
#29 of 31 Old 06-23-2005, 02:26 AM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ah, the little mirrors, they be . . . .


Yeah, I'm there.

I was the first-born in my family, just like my dd.
So we get into the head-butting thing sometimes. I find that I have to remind myself that I am The Mother, dammit, and she is The Child!
(So not only does she get sassy with me, she'll actually get sassy with me over how I should go about disciplining her younger brother!!)

But I do like it when I'm in a clear enough head space to stop, breath, and share my feelings with her. If I'm calm and grounded and I tell her how it feels for me when she talks in a rude way, she comes to her senses very fast. It's like she needs a little mindfulness bell to chime and bring her back to her whole self, who is very thoughtful of others' feelings. I also find that being very candid with my feelings helps these situations.

An added bonus is that, when I talk 'feelings' with her, it helps her to become more aware of her own feelings in relationships, as well as the fact that it inspires her to express them in this gentle and straight-forward way, too.
(I over-hear her gently explaining her feelings to ds.)
yaM yaM is offline  
#30 of 31 Old 07-06-2005, 09:50 PM
lab
 
lab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: everywhere baby!
Posts: 3,582
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mine are 8, 10 and 11! I'm in hell!

Just kidding - I just read Dar's post : that said it was common from about ages 9 to 12 and I thought Sheesh! I'm in luck!

I will say that when I mirror their feelings - especially ds11 - I get calmer and so do they. Almost immediately. It really is hard though - when they are being really hateful.

Just today ds11 was screaming how much he hated me. Nice! Anyway, I ignored him and he calmed down in his room. As soon as he calmed he came to me so apologetic. He felt so bad and kept saying he was sorry. I told him it was totally understandable and that I know he didn't mean it. After we talked, he made popcorn for us (his siblings too) and told me he did it because he wanted to make it up to me. Isn't that sweet. What a doll! That's what I hold on to when we are clashing.

I have found that when I try to explain my view and reason with him (so far just the 11 year old - but I can see this happening eventually with all of them - well maybe, they are all different) things just escalate. He will continue to try to get me to agree/reason/give in/say yes/whatever. In those cases, I do what I read on MDC - I tell him I don't like the way he is talking to me and I leave!

Trying to do the right thing with three kids and a hubby. 
ds20, dd18, ds17
lab is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off