How to talk so teens will listen... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 11-13-2002, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
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...and listen so teens will talk!

Which is more important? the 2nd one. Sounds like she has some issues and she needs to feel heard. (subtituting a belly pierce for a push up bra? perhaps a valid substitution, but doesn't make the problem go away. ) Ask her questions about her body image/feelings about sexuality. Peer pressure too.

Barbara Coloroso has a book out, Kids Are Worth It, which is a good parenting book for older kids. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, is good for all ages.

If she has resentment for her younger sibs, how do you respond? do you listen and acknowledge her feelings, which are valid? she may be uncomfortable with the evidence of mom and dad's sexuality staring her in the face, as now she is blooming. Listen and reflect her feelings, try not to squelch or stifle the feelings. Feelings are always valid and parents just have to teach the kids how to deal with those feelings in appropriate ways. Do you overwhelm her with babysitting? Why does she resent the babies so much? Does she get enough one on one time with you or dad? do you hug and touch her? Or is you are too busy with the baby, do you at least apologize for not giving her enough attention?

LLL mtgs are a good place to go to discuss siblings responses to a new baby.

Hope to hear from you soon.
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#2 of 4 Old 11-18-2002, 09:38 AM
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I got that ALOT from my oldest 2, now 26 and, why do you keep having babies, and it takes alot of listening, well did for me I mean...
the oldest lives on the other side of the country and doesnt call much (but will be home for Christmas!!!!!) but the oldest at home, 16, seems to be doing much better with it, I think involvingthem without NEEDING them was important in my family... finding ways they wanted to be a part of things, like -when I had my last baby the older kids were all there(the younger ones would have been but someone had to get my mom out of there...thats another story<rolleyes>) Now 14 and 16 they were 10 and 12 and they really bonded with the lil guy right away... Allowing the older ones to participate in the choice to have more is a valid way also, I also discussed having my last baby with my other children and got their feedback on it, FIRST, and they had a REAL say in the matter.
It might be a control thing...
just some thoughts from me, but everyones situations are different and what might apply for me may not for the next person, blessed be,m
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#3 of 4 Old 11-20-2002, 11:25 AM
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Hi! I feel like I've walked in on a conversation...or like maybe there was another thread I didn't read before this...but I get the gist...My soon to be 18 yr. old dd SCREAMED and CRIED when she found out I was pregnant with dd #4 (who is now 20 months). She said you CANNOT have a baby! You're too old! : Thanks. I just turned 38!!!

But I do want to have another and I know the others will not respond kindly...even though they love the little one to death! And here I am thinking "how will they accept this?" Like I am the teen afraid of disappointing my parents with an unplanned pregnancy!!!! All along I've felt horrible at their have I been a bad parent? Is that why they are horrified to learn another child may have to go through ME? Or...what? It is the sex thing. Realizing how the baby got made....

My kids are not the "cool" earth kids who attend births and do menstruating ceremonies. They are the ones heading out the door at the first mention of anything "womanly" or to do with sex...even though it's never been taboo and I've always called a penis a penis.

But all in all we do have a good relationship, I think...but another baby... THAT would be their reaction!!!!!!!!!!!!

DD #1: 18 on 11/26
DS: 15
DD #2: 12
DD #3: 20 months
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#4 of 4 Old 11-22-2002, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
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Sorry ladies, i should have explained, i started this thread as a spinoff from the pink har and piercings thread. A new member named Cheri was asking about her teen daughter who is uncomfortable with all the babies around the house. But apparently she hasn't checked back in.

I still think it is an interesting subject. In our case, we just have 2 teens and one tween, no more babies, but one of my dd's goes with me to a bfing support group I lead each month. They are all pretty cool with their understanding of sex/making babies, it is an ongoing discussion around here. We never just had The Talk. They talk, i listen, and try not to lecture about anything. I show respect, and most of the time, it is returned.

It is a leap to make when kids get older, and you are no longer a goddess! they see you are human with imperfections.
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