POLL: Do you expect dd to tell you when her period starts? - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: Do you expect your daughter to tell you when she starts her period?
Yes, I expect her to tell me as soon as it happens 81 54.00%
Yes, whenever she feels ready to 43 28.67%
Not sure 3 2.00%
No, she deserves privacy about her body 10 6.67%
Other (please explain) 13 8.67%
Voters: 150. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 11:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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There were a couple comments on a shaving thread about worrying that your dd won't tell you when the begin their period, and I thought it warranted its own space. It's a subject I have mixed feelings about and was wondering what other people thought.

FTR, I did not tell my mom when I started my period. She was very closemouthed about sex and I didn't think it was her business. I resented her attitude that she should be privy to everything personal that happened to me just because I was her daughter, especially since she was so closemouthed about herself.

My dd is only 3, so of course puberty is a loooong time off. My plan for now is to buy her a bunch of different menstrual products to have on hand, talk to her about sex and her body on a regular basis throughout her life, and let her come to me if she has questions.

Thoughts?
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#2 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 11:49 AM
 
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DD is 12, but hasn't started yet. I hope (and expect) her to tell me as soon as she does as we very openly talk about it all the time.
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#3 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 12:03 PM
 
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I expect that she will tell me, though I certainly wouldn't demand it or anything. I would be pretty shocked if she didn't. We've been very open about the subject, and I would think that she'd want someone to share it with. Maybe if she were much older when it happened, she might need more privacy about it. She's 10 now, and the curves are starting to really develop, so I don't imagine she's that far away.
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#4 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 01:32 PM
 
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dd is only seven months old so it'll be a while, but i would hope that she would tell me that she period had started. i told my mom, but mostly out of curtiousy because i was going to need her maxi-pads. it seemed rude just to take ne without asking. i remember waiting until she was finished fixing dinner. but also thought she would be proud to know.
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#5 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 01:48 PM
 
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I'm sure that she will tell me, knowing her. We've talked about so many private things already, that I'm certain she'd not feel uncomfortable about it.

I told my mother, but I don't remember why---could have been because I wanted to share, but it also could have been because I couldn't figure out how to get the pad on! She "made" me tell my father, which embarrassed us both considerably, and made me angry with my mother. I absolutely won't require her to tell anyone she's not comfortable telling--that's completely her business.

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#6 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 02:33 PM
 
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Dd just started the other day and she told me immediately

ETA: I didn't vote because there wasn't multiple choice. I did expect that she'd tell me right away, because we'd discussed it often and I got the sense that she would let me know. But if she hadn't I would have been fine with that.

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#7 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 04:53 PM
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My daughter told me the next evening, maybe 24 hours later. It was while we were having a big party (50+ homeschoolers and homeschooling parents from Friday to Sunday) party at the farm where we lived, and Rain spent most of the time in with a dozen teens watching videos and doing whatever else. She wandered home around 4 am (we lived in a smaller house on the farm; she was in the main farmhouse) and the morning was busy with people packing up to leave, and then she took a nap, and then she mentioned it that evening.

We had all the stuff so she just got a pad at some point and took care of it... I kind of wanted to do something special but she didn't seem very into it and we were tired, so we didn't really...

When I got mine, I had no pads or anything, and I kept trying to tell my mom and she kept blowing me off and saying she was busy, so I kept stuffing with TP all day. It sucked. That's why I wanted to be sure she had stuff and was ready (it started 4 months before she turned 12).

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#8 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 04:58 PM
 
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I will be a mom to 2 boys, so no DD for me. However, I would hope that if I had a DD that she would tell me when she started her period, not just b/c I feel it's a mother/daughter thing, but just b/c I think it's something that a mom should know about... kind of like a medical hx type thing I guess. I got my first period when I was 11, and I don't know why, but I just flat out announced it to my mom. She did not make a big deal out of it, but soon after I told her, she did buy me some pads, etc., and made sure I understood how to use them, etc.. I mean, isn't your mom going to find out anyway, b/c you need to get $ to pay for period supplies (ok, personally I now use the diva cup, but I know most ppl still do not, and I wouldn't expect a teenager to use one)?
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#9 of 68 Old 06-27-2005, 07:24 PM
 
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I have always assume they would becuase of needing supplies.

I told my mom in a btw fashion and a I was kind of pissed. LOL. I went fishing with one of her friend's husbands and I had to use TP and Paper towels all day. :LOL I sure as heck wasn't going to tell him anything.
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#10 of 68 Old 06-28-2005, 09:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants
FTR, I did not tell my mom when I started my period. She was very closemouthed about sex and I didn't think it was her business. I resented her attitude that she should be privy to everything personal that happened to me just because I was her daughter, especially since she was so closemouthed about herself.
I was the exact same way. I was 10 when I started my period and there was NO WAY I was going to tell my mom, for those reasons.

She found out over a year later and forbid me to use tampons (my preference then and always) and would not buy them for me. It kind of reaffirmed my reasons for not telling her! I had to continue on with the way I had been doing it before I told her - rounding up loose quarters from around our house and stocking up on tampons at the vending machines in restrooms! Sad.

I hope that my daughter feels more comfortable with me, and I will *certainly* allow her her own preference for supplies, be that pads, tampons, cups, or whatever.
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#11 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 05:37 PM
 
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I have 2ds and no dd but I was asked by my older sister to participate in supporting her dd when she starts her transition into womanhood. Basically my sis is asking a few women to write a letter to her dd sharing 'women's wisdom' with her; things they would have liked someone to share w/ them at the time. My sis is planning to share these gifts with her daughter when her period begins. Her dd knows that it is something very special and knows how this transition connects her to the creation of life. Like most transition times with children I lean towards being proactive and using the time before a change to prepare and keep the lines of communication open.
I hope if I ever have a dd that she would feel thrilled to share such an important time with me.
My exp was not as open and I did not tell my mother when I got mine. She was not there regularly and it was difficult for me to trust I would've had her full attention.
I believe that all we can do is create space that is safe for our children to share and beyond that it is up to them
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#12 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 09:41 PM
 
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My DD never told me; I was extremely upset.
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#13 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 09:45 PM
 
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i said not sure, because while i assume that she would (it seems natural in a close family that openly talks about such things), should she choose not to tell me, it wouldn't bother me.
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#14 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 10:03 PM
 
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I voted I would expect her to tell me. The reason is because when I started, I was so excited- yet didn't have the relationship with my mother to feel okay about telling her. I did tell her, because I needed supplies (she didn't have any in the house) otherwise I would have just kept it my own business. I also went and purchased my first bra because my mother didn't think of such things and I was ashamed to ask for help- easier just to do it on my own.

Anyway, I hope to be open and able to talk with any child I may have and would really hope/want her to feel okay sharing the special event with me.

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#15 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 10:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan
She "made" me tell my father, which embarrassed us both considerably, and made me angry with my mother. I absolutely won't require her to tell anyone she's not comfortable telling--that's completely her business.
That must have been so horrible. I could barely get the words out to my mom, I can't imagine telling my step-father.

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#16 of 68 Old 06-29-2005, 11:06 PM
 
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My mom was embarrisinly open mouthed about it to the point where I am very uncomfortable talking about some subjects. I didn't tell her b/c I didn't feel I ready (tho I would of told her when I was ready) and didn't want any crass comments, but she found out anyway and she told my dad, etc, which embarrased me. (I had my own stash of stuff from those kits they give you in school, and I had babysititng $, and I was 14, I also perfer tampons which my mom is against) I do expect that dd and dsd will tell me eventually in their own time and season. dsd is already starting to become a woman in many ways (she's 10) so i don't think its too far off. But dd is only 15 months, so i've got awhile.
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#17 of 68 Old 06-30-2005, 09:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by applejuice
My DD never told me; I was extremely upset.
Do you mind if I ask why?
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#18 of 68 Old 06-30-2005, 10:16 AM
 
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My mama was the first to know when I started,and I have talked about it with my dd 7,she knows when I'm on my cycle. We are very open.
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#19 of 68 Old 06-30-2005, 10:40 AM
 
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My dd is almost 11, and I asked her today if she would tell me and she said yes. But made it clear she hasn't had it yet. Thank heavens!!!

I do the laundry anyway, and she's not the neatest, so I'm sure I'll find out anyway!
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#20 of 68 Old 06-30-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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Yes. We've talked about it multiple times. We decided we're going out to lunch together to celebrate. I told her I have some jewlery to give her as well. She already has supplies that she helped choose.
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#21 of 68 Old 07-01-2005, 03:16 PM
 
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I said "not sure" because of my own experience. I was already 16 and one week away from the GYN office because I had not started yet. I started in the shower one morning. Since it was something we'd discussed and were consulting doctors about, I told my mom to cancel the appointment. But otherwise, I was pretty old and may not have mentioned it.

I think if my daughters were younger, I would expect it them to tell me pretty soon. But if they are late bloomers, as I was, then maybe not.

So, I'm truly "not sure..."

We are six: Me : Dh : Ds1('00) Dd('02) Ds2('05) Ds3('08) and, wow! Soon to be seven, Dd2 due 4/23.
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#22 of 68 Old 07-03-2005, 02:33 PM
 
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I hope Leah will tell me as soon as it happens, but if she doesn't want to, I'm not going to push it.

Hannah, on the other hand, I can't imagine NOT telling me right away- she's got a completely different personality.

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#23 of 68 Old 07-03-2005, 08:25 PM
 
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If she trusts me, she should tell me. If she doesn't trust me, she shouldn't tell me. So I chose "other."
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#24 of 68 Old 07-03-2005, 08:36 PM
 
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I told my mom a few hours after it started. I was too embarrassed to say it in person, so I left a note on the table when I was walking out the door to go to a babysitting job. My mom had been bugging me about it for quite a while, and I wanted her to stop worrying. I started wearing a bra at age 10 and didn't start my period until 13/14, so she was wondering what was up.

She told my dad and made my dad go to the store to buy me supplies. (Oh, the mortification!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He did and yelled up the stairs to me, "WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS BIG GREEN BOX OF MAXI PADS????" I am still embarrassed thinking about it.

Hopefully DD will tell me shortly after it starts. She is still a baby, though -- I don't want to think about it! And I will not embarrass her the way my mom did me.
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#25 of 68 Old 07-03-2005, 09:05 PM
 
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My dd will be 9 next month - so a while yet before it happens. I put "other" because I wasn't sure about the word "expect" in the OPs question. Do you mean "expect" in the sense that "Sure, I think she will." or "expect" as in "You'd better!" :LOL

I do think she will tell me, but I won't mind if she doesn't. In any case, I'll have supplies ready, and I'll let her know what to do with them before that day comes. That's what my mom did with me, and I remember feeling good about it.

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#26 of 68 Old 07-04-2005, 12:30 AM
 
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It is her choice but I think/hope she will right away. We have a pretty open relationship and I hope to keep that- she is actually more comfortable talking about tampons and periods than I am. :LOL I can talk openly without weirdness about sex but not about periods- so strange.
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#27 of 68 Old 07-05-2005, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Openskyheart
My dd will be 9 next month - so a while yet before it happens. I put "other" because I wasn't sure about the word "expect" in the OPs question. Do you mean "expect" in the sense that "Sure, I think she will." or "expect" as in "You'd better!" :LOL
I meant it in the "You'd better!" way.

I'm really surprised that so many people expect their daughters to tell them right away, it gives me the impression that some people don't want their kids to ever have any secrets from them, that they expect to know everything about their kid forever. Granted, I may be reading too much into all this because of my relationship with my own mother, who wanted to be my best friend, but never wanted to hear about anything bad or depressing. To this day she thinks she knows all about me, when in reality she knows very little about me.
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#28 of 68 Old 07-05-2005, 09:58 PM
 
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I know whatcha mean. I don't even think of it in terms of "keeping secrets" but of having one's own private life. On another thread on MDC a similar topic about a parent not being being told something has been discussed, and I expressed my belief in the need for a private life even among parents and children who are close.

I know mothers who say that they and their daughter's tell each other everything. But do they really? I mean do the mothers really run to their daughters and tell them about the great sex they had the night before? Doubtful. I think what they mean is that they tell their daughters selective things, but (at least hope that) their daughters tell them everything. Of course, the mothers have every right to keep some things, like the details of their sex life for example, private. And, by the same token, our children have a right to keep some details of their lives private.

I guess I've been influenced by my mom who has a strong sense of privacy! And we're close! And still tell each other.....almost everything.

Laura
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#29 of 68 Old 07-06-2005, 09:55 PM
 
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I also didn't vote as my DD has got hers but I always knew she would tell me. She came wailing out of the bathroom looking like she was going to plow me over and and said "I got it!!!" lol I also had different items on hand for her and she took care of it all on her own.
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#30 of 68 Old 07-08-2005, 03:50 AM
 
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I am pretty sure my DD would tell me. We are pretty close, but I realize that could change as she grows, but I hope not. I do ask her if she has started growing pubic hair, so I can sort of get a feel for when it will happen. Dh sisters started in 5th grade, I did not start until late 7th grade, so I have a feeling it could happen soon.

Cristina - "If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded." Maya Angelou
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