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#1 of 12 Old 07-08-2005, 10:08 PM - Thread Starter
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my daughter who is 13 YO has a friend that I don't particularly like but she has a lot of interest in her. I have forbiden my DD to spend any time with her or talk to her on the phone or computer yet she still continues to find her way around my rules and hangs out with the friend. 2 days ago i found out that she lied about where she was staying the night so she could hang out with her friend. She told me that she wouldn't have to lie if she was able to be with her friends. Am i wrong to try to choose her friends?? HEEEELP!!!
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#2 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 05:13 AM
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I think it depends on why you don't like her friend. Does the friend steal? Lie? Sleep around?

Or is it just the attitude, "normal" disrespect (yes, normal age appropriate argumentative, eye rolling stuff) or just a difference in personalities?

My DD has a friend I don't particularly like, she lords over her mother, is disrespectful IMO, and is the type that things always have to be HER I just try and limit how much time "I" have to spend with her, not necessarily DD spending with her.
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#3 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 05:19 AM
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perhaps you can tell your DD that you are not against of whom she wanted to have friends but you must set a limitations..
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#4 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 06:45 AM - Thread Starter
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her friend doesn't lie or steal anything. it's just that i feel whenever my dd is around her she acts different. She lies more often when she's been with her. is it wrong for me not to like her friend?? GAH!!
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#5 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by llammapeace
her friend doesn't lie or steal anything. it's just that i feel whenever my dd is around her she acts different. She lies more often when she's been with her. is it wrong for me not to like her friend?? GAH!!
No, I don't think you have to like all of your kids' friends, but I do think you need to respect that she considers this kid a friend. What kinds of things is she lying about? From your post, it sounds like the lying is a result of being forbidden to see this friend--she lies as a way around that. I remember doing the same thing as a teen. My parents completely disliked this one girl, although they really didn't know her, and they forbid me to see her. I, being a loyal friend, and also angry at my parents for not considering my feelings, continued to see her. This involved lying to my parents about where I was, who I was with, etc.

I'd say, if your dd is doing something illegal or harmful, address that. But if this is just a case of you not liking this friend, then I'd rethink your rules.

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#6 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 09:58 AM
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Would it be possible for you to allow dd to have her friend over to your house while you were there to supervise? That way, dd would be able to see her friend but you would be right there to know what was happening. You could even offer to tke both girls somewhere, like a play or an art show or a fun cafe.

If your dd's friend is what poeple call a "troubled teen", maybe having a friendship with your dd would be a good thing for her. Again, I have no idea what it is about this girl that alarms you, just some ideas for keeping everyone happy. It sounds like the friend has become the focus of a power struggle between you and dd, and if a parent asks a 13 yo child to chose between family and friendship loyalty, a lot of kids at this age prioritize the friendships.

good luck with this

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#7 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 11:30 AM
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I have a house filled with teen/pre-teen girls, 11,13,16 and 18..

My advice...

As hard as it is we have to let our kids choose their own friends unless we truly believe they would be in some type of physical/emotional danger if the maintained a reltionship with said friend....

All people ( infants to adults) need to feel their choices are respected if not always agreed with.

There have been MANY times when I just didn't LIKE one of my girls friends..the kid was bossy, had a negatie attitude, was rude... I have learned over the years to respect their choices but to also let then know what my feelings where re: the other kid...

" I know you are friends with******* and he/she must have some great qualities if you are wanting to hang out with them. You are a smart kid and I trust you to make good choices. I just need you to know that it makes me a little uncomfortable when ******* is ( bossy, has a bad attitude, is rude)
I am sure there is more to ******* than that..I just don't know her/him as well as you do. Maybe if you guys would hang out a little more here I can get to know ****** better. I am sorry I didn't trust you before and i had a problem with you hanging out with*****. I just love you and WORRY all the time about you.. OK "

Kids at this age need to feel their views and opinions are respected and have value even though we may not always agree, like or understand with what they do.

BEst of luck to you both....
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#8 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
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Well, here's the thing. in the past my dd has been caught with drugs and vandalizing a public park with spray paint. she wasnt with her friend when she was caught with these things but it just makes it harder for me to trust her. She doesnt understand that so i dont have much of a relationship with her anymore. It seems that all she does is talk to her friends on the phone, computer ect..! i know when she tells me that she is going to the pool with her other friends she is actually going to her house to spend time with her while i am at work. I can't control her when i'm at work b\c i am a full time nurse in the ER. I think that is why she believes that she can get around my rules.

her friend isnt involved in any drugs or isnt sexually active or anything of that sort. when i bring up this friend of her's she gets very defensive and says that i can't control who she is friends with and I argue back saying that i can. . then she storms off to the computer or the phone. what should i do??

thanks for all of the help though!!
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#9 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 02:02 PM
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I'm getting a little fuzzy as to the exact problem here.

You started out by saying you don't like your dd's friend. You forbade her to see this friend, she did anyway, and lied to you about it. Since that first post though, you've not indicated that this friend is in any way a problem, but you've brought up other issues.

This makes me think that the friend isn't the problem at all.

It's sad that you don't feel like you have much of a relationship with your dd, but I'd start there and do everything possible to build that up again. You don't say how far in the past her getting into trouble is--if it's history, you might just let it be history rather than act like you can never trust her again. If it's current, then I'd face that head-on and talk with her about what's going on--maybe get more supervision or something organized her for to do when you're not able to be around.

It sounds to me like this friend thing is just a power struggle between the two of you. She says, "yes" you say "no" she says "you can't make me." Maybe drop that and address the relationship you have with her. You can't control her, but if you want her to be open to your guidance, you've got to have a good base to start from.

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#10 of 12 Old 07-09-2005, 08:52 PM
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I agree with Joan -- it sounds like this has a lot more to do with the previous issues with your daughter's misbehavior than with the friend.
Are you perhaps afraid that this friend will lead her back into destructive activities? Is she secretive about what she and the friend do together?
If it's the former... I would try to trust your daughter. Tell her, "I'm a little apprehensive about letting you hang out with X, but since I can't give you a true reason why, I'm going to trust you to make good decisions. You may get together -- you don't have to lie about that anymore. However, the first time I get any wind of anything untoward happening, any vandalism or plain old misbehavior, I'm going to put you under very, very strict rules." Then keep your promise. I think it will mean a lot to your dd to be trusted by you -- I think she'll want to keep whatever trust she earns. It seems that you've had very little trust in her since the old incidents, and that might contribute to the lying and sneaking around.
My gut tells me that nothing bad will come of her and this friend's relationship. However, if she lies again or misbehaves in any way, you need to find supervision for her when you're around. Check with friends, neighbors, and relatives to find someone who will keep an eye on your dd -- either actually watching her or calling/visiting the house every hour or so to make sure she's staying there. Is it possible you could call and check up? I don't know what your working situation's like, so I don't want to recommend that you do it if it's not possible.
Good luck. I hope everything works out.


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#11 of 12 Old 07-11-2005, 03:49 PM
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Whew, tough situation.

First – hugs mama. You are genuinely concerned about your DD well being and that’s a great thing.

Second – as the old proverb goes – “if there is a will there is a way”. So if your DD really WANTS to hang out with her friend, she might be willing to do that despite all of the restrictions and punishments you may design. If your DD really WANTS to misbehave (drugs, vandalism, what-have-you), she will, again despite all of the consequences you or somebody else may implement.

How do I know? How do many of us know? Why, we’ve done that! To different degrees – from reading with a flash light under the covers when it was bed time to missing school and lying to your parents about it when you really were out drinking or smoking pot with your “buddies”

Many of us say – “my kids are out of control”, “how can I control my teen”, etc. The truth is – you (generic you) can not control anybody but yourself. Period.

We discuss this “control” thing in Parents as Partners. We discuss it in Gentle Parenting.
On both boards I saw very thorough discussions about this. Yet, it seems that when it comes to teens we all of sudden forget all the great wisdom we had and still strive to control, control, control.

Why? Well – we want best for our kids, of course! I wholeheartedly agree with wanting the best for our kids.
There are times I would love to have some kind of magic switch in my possession that I could flip and voila – my teen (husband, friend, boss, mother-in-law) does what I want! <sigh>

IMO, the only thing we as parents can successfully do to influence our kids life is guide, help and teach. But in order for that to be successful – the other party has to be WILLING to learn and listen. “You can take the horse to the water but you can not make it drink” thing.
So, can we *make* somebody listen (and hear)? I don’t think so
They need to want it.

Having said all that – I would concentrate on rebuilding the relationship based on trust with your DD.
And this should go both ways - she trusts you, you trust her. Only then there is a chance of you becoming a voice that she would trully listen to.

Again, we all know how important and necessary to have such relationship with our partner. Kids are no different in this case. Actually I take that back – they are much harder to do it with. It’s a long and tedious task, but I have no doubt that you are more than willing to undertake it. You know your daughter better than any of us and you know better than any of us where to begin.

PS. Just to reassure that I do “know what I am talking about”.
*I* snuck out from my Special Forces trained Daddy, many times successfully, who would spy on me with binoculars, tape my phone conversations and beat me if I was caught. (in my case it was to see a love of my life whom I started dating at 15. We’ve been married for 18 years. And I *know* it’s an exception to the rule) I learned a LOT . About lying that is.

And my own teen is going to be 18 next month
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#12 of 12 Old 07-11-2005, 05:07 PM
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perhaps there is a compromise.

First it seems like there are tons of issues between you and your dd.

So you haven't really given us a reason this girl is forbidden to hang out with your dd. you just don't like her. there may or may not be anythign to it. perhaps you could get together with girls family and have a bar-b-cue or something. that way you are building relationship with her parents and the girls are getting interaction that is supervised. you will be able to express your concerns to her parents and get them on board about supervising the girls closely while they are together. that way if your dd ended up at thier house overnight you could have them call you, you could ask them to set limit and back you up etc. . . best case scenario . . .

Also you could offer to have friend at your house often so that interaction can be limited and supervise until you are able to know the girl and trust her. and I don't mean this in an offensive way but your dd is awfully young to be in that much trouble. it doesn't cound like she should really have any unsupervised time. this friend aside.

same with phone and computer privledges. only under supervision or where you can peek in.

erhaps she would willing to work on a compromise such as this if she knew you were trying to make friends with this girl (of course then she might not be nearly as intresting)

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