Mothering Forums

Mothering Forums (http://www.mothering.com/forum/)
-   Preteens and Teens (http://www.mothering.com/forum/39-preteens-teens/)
-   -   were you promiscuous as a teen? (http://www.mothering.com/forum/39-preteens-teens/314938-were-you-promiscuous-teen.html)

meowee 07-15-2005 01:42 PM

I hope this conversation is allowed (please keep it clean)! I am wondering if any of you were promiscuous as a teen and now regret it and/or do not want the same for you DC. This is slight spin off of the age limit for dating thread, where it was mentioned that often premature or excessive sexual activity in teens is sought out by the child/ teen to replace the nurturing they are not getting at home.

I know "promiscuous" may sound like a judgemental term, I don't mean it that way, just couldn't think of a better term.

fire_in_july 07-15-2005 01:57 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by meowee
This is slight spin off of the age limit for dating thread, where it was mentioned that often premature or excessive sexual activity in teens is sought out by the child/ teen to replace the nurturing they are not getting at home.
I was what some would consider as promiscuous as a teen (though compared to many I knew, I was very restrained )

But it was in no way to replace nurturing I was not getting at HOME. I have a fantastic family (seriously, people with messed-up families are always jealous of mine) who I am very grateful for.

It was to replace nurturing/approval/positive attention that I was not getting from my PEERS. I was the outcast at school, mocked and teased endlessly, too tall for my age, too busty for my age, too "gifted" and intellectual to fit in, socially inept with those my own age.

But older guys LOVED me. (okay, most did not *love* me, but you know what I mean). I was desperate for the approval of peers - meaning people who WEREN'T related to me and didn't "have" to love me and be around me.

I *don't* regret it. But I will always be sad that it was so hard for me to fit in with or be accepted by kids my own age. Of course, it still IS hard for me to fit in with mainstream society - I think you just learn to deal with it better as you get older. And it doesn't hurt that I have a beloved DP now to forge through life with sharing my "misfit" status. I think that's what I was looking for then - someone to share the load with, if that makes sense.

mamameg 07-15-2005 01:59 PM

Promiscuous as a teen, regret it.

I definately was seeking approval and love I didnt feel like I was getting at home, especially from my dad. My parents did the best they could and were not abusive in any way, but they are naturally non-emotive people and we did not express love much, follow through on discipline, or talk about conflict or any of that stuff that makes a teen feel like their parents care about what they are doing.

I should also note, there was a lot of alcohol involved with my promiscuity. Again...

NO, I do NOT want that for my daughter. It's one of my biggest fears, actually.

fire_in_july 07-15-2005 02:03 PM

I forgot to say - I truly do not care if my teens are sexually active, as long as they are RESPONSIBLE about it in regards to pregnancy, STDs, and lying to people/using them in a way the other person does not want - which is all a pretty hard task for most teens to manage.

What DOES bother me is the thought that any of my children could go through the emotional hell that is being the adolescent outcast - and I don't have any idea of how to prevent that from happening. You can't MAKE other people accept you if they don't want to.

broodymama 07-15-2005 02:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by fire_in_july
It was to replace nurturing/approval/positive attention that I was not getting from my PEERS. I was the outcast at school, mocked and teased endlessly, too tall for my age, too busty for my age, too "gifted" and intellectual to fit in, socially inept with those my own age.
Same here, except for the busty part.

Looking at it now, I do consider it promiscuous. Not by the number of people (which really wasn't that high), but by my lack of emotional involvement with them. My first time (I ended up marrying and divorcing the guy later) was very confusing and painful. Most of the other sexual relationships I had as a teen involved me trying to find what I thought sex "should" be like, if that makes any sense.

jcw 07-15-2005 02:09 PM

I totally regret it. I was definitely trying to find some love, as both my parents were emotionally unavailable to put it mildly. I am not against sex before marriage for my daughter, but I do think that it should be done consciously and not with many people. My daughter is not yet old enough to have sex, but I hope that our relationship is strong enough that she will be open with me and talk to me about these things and let me try to help guide her without judging her.

Vermillion 07-15-2005 02:53 PM

Not promiscuous at all, and kind of regret it, though that wasn’t as option. Is that strange?

I started having sex at 17, and that was with my current DP. My only. Sometimes I wish I had experienced other guys though.

I’d rather my son/and future kids not sleep around, but I won’t be devastated if he/they have sex as a teen and have a few different partners. Humans are sexual beings and I feel sex is ok for teens that are truly emotionally ready, not just looking for something they’ve been missing at home. I do think that teens can be having sex for the right reasons too. All I want is for my kids to be safe, always protect themselves.

Arduinna 07-15-2005 03:24 PM

Do not regret my sexual past at all.

SagMom 07-15-2005 03:46 PM

I was, don't regret it. What I DO wish though, was that I had had someone to talk with about relationships. Some partners were relationships, others were not. Since there was not a healthy model of a good relationship in the home I grew up in, I was a bit blank on how the whole couple thing was supposed to be.

I wouldn't freak if my kids have sex as teens, but I hope they'll have learned how to treat others, whether the relationship is casual or serious or somewhere in between.

UnschoolnMa 07-15-2005 05:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joan
I was, don't regret it. What I DO wish though, was that I had had someone to talk with about relationships. Some partners were relationships, others were not. Since there was not a healthy model of a good relationship in the home I grew up in, I was a bit blank on how the whole couple thing was supposed to be.

I wouldn't freak if my kids have sex as teens, but I hope they'll have learned how to treat others, whether the relationship is casual or serious or somewhere in between.
I totally agree with all of what Joan said here. It reflects my experience to a T really. I needed someone to discuss relationship stuff with, and outside of a few friends that only gave so-so advice, I had no one. I started having sex just after I turned 13. When I look back I can see that I was very young and totally looking for something that wasn't really there, but I do not regret it.

MomBirthmomStepmom 07-15-2005 05:37 PM

fire_in_july said almost exactly what I would say

Quote:
I was what some would consider as promiscuous as a teen (though compared to many I knew, I was very restrained )

It was to replace nurturing/approval/positive attention that I was not getting from my PEERS. I was the outcast at school, mocked and teased endlessly, too tall for my age, too busty for my age, too "gifted" and intellectual to fit in, socially inept with those my own age.

But older guys LOVED me. (okay, most did not *love* me, but you know what I mean). I was desperate for the approval of peers - meaning people who WEREN'T related to me and didn't "have" to love me and be around me.

I *don't* regret it. But I will always be sad that it was so hard for me to fit in with or be accepted by kids my own age. Of course, it still IS hard for me to fit in with mainstream society - I think you just learn to deal with it better as you get older.
and
Quote:
I forgot to say - I truly do not care if my teens are sexually active, as long as they are RESPONSIBLE about it in regards to pregnancy, STDs, and lying to people/using them in a way the other person does not want - which is all a pretty hard task for most teens to manage.

What DOES bother me is the thought that any of my children could go through the emotional hell that is being the adolescent outcast - and I don't have any idea of how to prevent that from happening. You can't MAKE other people accept you if they don't want to.
I just want my children to be safe and responsible... I did some pretty risky things when I was younger, and I regret being so irresponsible at times, however, not the acts themselves, if that makes sense...

I had a rough childhood, and for me, it probably was to try to replace a loveless and dysfunctional family... I probably was 'looking for a daddy', as I've been told before... *shrugs*

Peony 07-15-2005 05:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamameg
Promiscuous as a teen, regret it.

I definately was seeking approval and love I didnt feel like I was getting at home, especially from my dad. My parents did the best they could and were not abusive in any way, but they are naturally non-emotive people and we did not express love much, follow through on discipline, or talk about conflict or any of that stuff that makes a teen feel like their parents care about what they are doing.

I should also note, there was a lot of alcohol involved with my promiscuity. Again...

NO, I do NOT want that for my daughter. It's one of my biggest fears, actually.
: that was exactly me as well. I don't have a problem with sexually active teens as long as it is responsible.

johub 07-15-2005 06:06 PM

I wasnt really a promiscuous teen but I was very promiscuous as a young adult. I didnt get started until 17 and just before high school graduation.
I dont regret it per se. I was very lucky though.
What I want for my daughter is to be mature enough to handle her sexuality when it happens. In hindsight I think that 17 was a pretty good age.
I would love for her not only to be mature enough to handle the responsiblity, such as not getting pregnant or an std. But I also really want her to be emotionally mature enough to handle it without it being damaging to her spirit.
Joline

meowee 07-15-2005 07:35 PM

I think a lot of us have fears about our teens becoming sexually active "too early." whenever there is a thread on teens and preteens about teen sexual activity, it gets lots and lots of views, even if there aren't many responses.

My fears would be for my DC's emotions. When a relationship becomes sexual the risk of emotional damage gets much higher.

mamadawg 07-15-2005 07:40 PM

I wasn't. I was sexually active, but not promiscuous.

My best friend, on the other hand, was extremely promiscuous. I kind of lived vicariously through her.

I don't regret anything.

UUMom 07-15-2005 07:49 PM

Voted

mshollyk 07-15-2005 08:01 PM

i wasn't sexually active at all, barely even fooled around until i was 18, and i don't regret anything. i'm glad that i waited, but i do wish that it hadn't been such a big issue to my parents. they were very open about discussing stuff with me, but it was always with the understanding that sex is ONLY for marriage, so when i finally had sex (outside of marriage, of course), i felt REALLY guilty, and it wasn't safe because i had never thought about protection. i was also VERY naive, which was not a good thing.

trmpetplaya 07-16-2005 04:01 AM

I was definitely NOT promiscuous, but my best friend was. I was sexually active, but do not regret it because it was with my now dh and we waited till we were both ready and neither of us forced anything on the other

love and peace.

jmhammond 07-16-2005 04:09 AM

I was active, and regret it b/c it was also about fitting in for me. I want to ditto that I wished I had someone to talk to about relationships. If we can do anything for our girls, it's give them ourselves, mentors, aunts, friends, pastors, etc. People they can talk to about relationships and get sound advice; as opposed to the advice they are getting from their other inexperienced friends...

~Megan~ 07-16-2005 04:45 AM

How do you define "promiscuous"?

I had one boyfriend that I had sex with in high school. Is that promiscuous? Whatever it is, I do regret it.

eightyferrettoes 07-16-2005 06:29 AM

I did a LOT of fooling around before I left home, everything short of actual BDing, you know? It was fun, and probably more satisfying than the "real thing." Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Then I left home at 17, and shortly afterwards got involved with a whole string of guys... some were great, others weren't worth scraping my shoe on, but all of them taught me something important about myself and what I REALLY wanted in my life.

I wouldn't trade that experience for a virginal wedding. :LOL

Got married right after my 20th birthday, but I really wasn't ready, and neither was the guy. We were married less than a year.

Married again just before I turned 22, and am still married to him. I had known my husband as a teen, but nothing ever happened between us till I was older.

I don't regret any of it.

edited to add: I wouldn't be upset if my kid or future kids were sexually active as teens. Seems like with puberty hitting at freaking 10 or 11 years old, there's really no evading it forever. I just want them to know that they don't HAVE to have it to be accepted, loved, whatever. I want it to be a free choice.

member 07-16-2005 07:58 AM

I had several girlfriends and then my now DH and I got together in late 1997 when I was 19.

The only thing I regret is not being able to be open about me relationship with my first girlfriend b/c we were in high school and v fearful of repurcussions.

sunshinegal 07-16-2005 10:04 AM

I started at 14 thinking that if you can have sex then you should. I looked at it as just what you do when someone paid attention to you or was attracted to you. I guess you could put me in that group of trying to get what you need from your home.
My parents NEVER even mentioned it. Now for my dc, we have already had discussions (just watch the nature channel ) I know they don't have that driving need for approval like I did. I am hoping that they will wait, but I won't freak if they don't. As long as they can at least talk to me about it. If only I had someone to talk to about it back then.
I do regret the way things went for me, but they had to go that way or else I wouldn't be where I am today, which is very happy.

Arduinna 07-16-2005 11:31 AM

I think there is a general assumption with many parenting issues that if you the parent had an issue with something then your child will too. And as a result we tend to parent in the way we wish our parents had. Which works well for some things like if you were hit as a child, clearly it's a good thing to not do as was done to you. But it doesn't apply to all parts of our lives. Since our kids are individuals. What we wanted, may not be what they need. So I think it's a mistake to assume that ones child will feel the same as their parents on issues.

Coffee Mom 07-16-2005 12:55 PM

Well i was sexually active but was only with two partners from 13 - 20, so I dont think I was promiscuous until i was older. And no I dont regret being active during my teen years at all, both were wonderful relationships. I do regret a few things after I hit my 20s but can't dwell on the past

HerthElde 07-16-2005 02:26 PM

Definitely promiscuous, no regrets whatsoever. No analysis of why (okay, I had a strong sexual appetite if I need a reason), great homelife, great friends, I just enjoyed myself

LoveChild421 07-16-2005 02:38 PM

I didn't quite know how to answer : to me promiscuous means GIO with a different person every week or something and I definately wasn't like that...but I was quite sexually active (not just with one long term boyfriend).

I don't regret it, it was a phase I went through trying to find my identity and explore my sexuality- had nothing to do with not getting enough nurturing at home and EVERYTHING to do with my mom saying stuff like "sex is for marriage, don't just give yourself away..." and crap like that. She made it seem like I had to stay "pure" to be a prize for my future husband and made it seem like if women enjoy sex and claim their sexuality that they are whores. I rebelled against that by enjoying my sexuality and embracing it as a totally natural, very pleasurable thing.

I think the late teen and college age years are a great time to explore this part of one's self as you are developing in many other ways as well. I do hope that I can guide my son and any future children to do so in healthy ways (avoiding relationships where they are simply being used for sex or disrespected). I want them to develop a view of sex as a natural, great thing that you share with someone you feel connected to and respect. I will tell them that when you deeply love someone that it takes sex to a totally higher and more pleasurable plane.

CarrieMF 07-16-2005 03:13 PM

I was 17 when I became sexually active, I was not promiscuous though. I had a few guys and it was no big deal. It had nothing to do with needing attention/love(they were all 1 night stands), it was just for fun and I don't regret it. Kinda wish I had started earlier. A couple of my friends were bordering on slutty. Theirs wasn't for attention either, but it was a competition between themselves on who had the most sexual partners, 1 night stands, guys in a night, etc. They had lists and everything.

There were 44 kids in my grade, 23 of us were girls. 2 were not virgins when we graduated. 13 of the girls would have been considered promiscuous(or more).

love2all 07-16-2005 03:26 PM

I do regret it-
I was way to active as a young teen. Trying to replace the love I wasn't getting from my dad.
I hope my kids can have HEALTHY sexual activity when they are ready

desertpenguin 07-16-2005 03:30 PM

I lost my virginity at 16, to my then-bf now-dh, who was 17. He was a virgin too.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:02 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Resources saved on this page: MySQL 5.88%
vBulletin Optimisation provided by vB Optimise (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2014 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2014 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.