pre-teen and news of new sibling - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 12:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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dh and I told our two boys about their prospective sibling (due next July) yesterday with mixed results - ds2 (5) thought we were joking and ds1 (11) said two words "oh sh!t"

now I understand ds1's lack of enthusiasm - he loves his brother very much but finds him annoying and frustrating, as little brothers are sometimes AND he well remembers when ds2 was born and he (ds1) came down with the worst case of chickenpox, I was really crook and in hospital for 10 days, my mum was staying to help out and she was quite cranky with poor ds1 ( I was furious and couldn't see the connection between the caring mum I remembered and this cranky old grandma ), when we finally came home ds1 was too sore to hug all his pox got infected

also, for an 11 yo, a baby is absolute proof that, shock horror, his parents actually have sex

so having got this response we went on to chat a bit about names and told stories about choosing their names and a couple of other baby stories, minimal thawing from ds1

well he has plenty of time to get used to the idea - any good thoughts on smoothing the process a bit for him? he really is a loving and sensitive kid, he just doesn't take to change easily and there is a big change looming soon anyway (starting secondary school in a few months)
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#2 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 12:38 AM
 
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emmaline, DD1 was 11 when DD2 was born, DS was 9, so I'll tell you what worked for us.

I got them involved in the prepping as much as possible, right down to where to put things, talking about what we'd need, etc. DD1 spent time with DS teaching him how to hold a baby - it was adorable - they pulled out the dollies and old baby clothes.

Sounds like maybe your DS1 needs to be able to talk about his past experience. Funny response, by the way!

Good luck - and hey - congrats
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#3 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 12:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi susan!

we pretty much did those things with ds1 5 yrs ago - he helped me go thru all the baby stuff and made up bundles to keep and others to give away etc, he was so concerned to get things ready

we can try it all again! but I like the idea of ds1 explaining stuff to ds2

and we'll haul out the baby photos too - good time to get some of the pics organised into albums eh?

ds1 and I have talked a lot about the birth time and how hard it was for him, and you're right, we need to do it more, he has a lot of insight - and I need to reassess whether grandma is the right person to have on hand for the birth - she'll likely offer but as it will be midwinter and she doesn't like to travel without my dad who has very dodgy lungs, well I wouldn't want him to come here in winter and catch bugs from our bug population (they live clear on the other side of oz)

how did your older kids feel in the early baby days?
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#4 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 03:13 AM
 
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emmaline - wow, you've got a big job ahead of you. Well, I should qualify that - it would be a big job for me.

My older kids were present for dd2's birth, they saw it all and love began immediately and has not ended. It's a frickin' juggling act sometimes making sure the older kids get some one on one time too, but all in all it's been really great. DD2 is quite exceptional though, I must say!
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#5 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 03:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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big job for me too, I especially want to avoid missing time for ds1 just because he is the oldest

my boys are unlikely to be anywhere near the birth as I've had to c-births and probably will again
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#6 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 03:53 AM
 
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Ah, yes, ds was a c-birth. I didn't even want to be there, let alone anyone else watching

Just keep telling your ds1 that it will all be okay

Keep us posted on the funny things he says! I don't recall any funny things from my two older kids, but I'm sure it was such a shock to them (heck it was to me, too!). Time heals, though. It'll be okay
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#7 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 04:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah I'll let you know if he warms up at all

ds2 is getting into the idea, keeps asking if the baby in my tummy is getting the things I eat and drink, and is convinced he will have a sister - he already has an invisible one called Baby Snoocha, she magically appeared before I knew I was pregnant - wild eh?
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#8 of 11 Old 12-02-2002, 04:31 AM
 
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Well that's pretty cool - Snoocha: I must admit, I too, imagined a little girl for your boys to take care of!!!!
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#9 of 11 Old 12-04-2002, 11:33 PM
 
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Hi
Congratulations on your pregnancy

I had an 11 yr old daughter who cried and said
we'd ruined her life when I got pregnant. She
complained all through my pregnancy but was
fine once the baby was born. I think letting her
vent helped even though I didn't like what she
was saying. It sounds like you are doing great so
far, I wish you the best
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#10 of 11 Old 12-05-2002, 02:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi pranamama! thanks for your good thoughts

it must have been hard for you to cop that from your dd! but there's no point saying "you can't feel that way" is there? I'm glad it worked out well

I'm betting ds1 will have a loving response when he meets the baby finally too, he is very tenderhearted, already i can sense him softening when ds2 babbles on in his enthusiastic way about the little baby in my belly, what she eats and drinks, does she sleep and dream etc
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#11 of 11 Old 12-18-2002, 11:48 AM
 
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My oldest dd was 16 when she found the pregnancy test in the Walgreens bag. She screamed: "What is THIS?" and then: "Oh my GOD! I'm going to be SICK!"

She screamed. She cried. She said, "You are NOT having this baby!"

My ds -- then 13 -- shook his head and asked, "How could you let this happen?"

My second dd -- then ten -- cried. Ran to her room and sobbed.

I felt like: have I been such a bad mother that they SHRIEK and SHUDDER to imagine another child having to live through me! :

I also felt like I was the teen with the unplanned pregnancy!!!

Actually, I think the major thing WAS embarrassment. The "my-parents-do-it" and HERE'S proof!!!!!!

But as the pregnancy went on, they all became VERY protective of me, very loving. Toward the end, waiting on me hand and foot. And when that baby came....OH HOW PROUD THEY WERE!!!! HOW EXCITED!!!

AND what a blessing she has been to all of us!!! They love her sooo much!!!

Personally, I allowed them to vent, discussed that NOT having the baby was not an option. Told them what a miracle it was an left it at that. I didn't try to bring it up unless they wanted to.

As I got bigger and the baby more obvious, we said more. They got excited and talked about all the things they would teach the baby. We voted on names, etc.

It will all work out fine! And it is so cool watching them watch the baby...they look at me in a new way, too, seeing how I care for their ds, knowing that's how I cared for them, too.

Now, I wonder what they'll say when they find out I'm planning the next one....hmmmm.....
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