What consequences do you use for teen? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-29-2005, 03:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to clarify: I never said that someone shouldn't open the thread, shouldn't read it, shouldn't post to it. I simply asked "why?" I'm curious as to the motivation.

The vehemence with which some have posted (and posted and posted) to this thread seems to indicate that they are attempting to achieve something beyond just sharing 'creative approaches' that have nothing to do with consequences.
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Old 08-29-2005, 03:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
The vehemence with which some have posted (and posted and posted) to this thread seems to indicate that they are attempting to achieve something beyond just sharing 'creative approaches' that have nothing to do with consequences.
I think this is a topic that many are impassioned about and interested in.
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Old 08-29-2005, 04:16 PM
 
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This has been a really thought provoking thread for me. THanks everyone who posted, I was really impressed with what's been said.
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Old 08-30-2005, 10:23 AM
 
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i think every child has special needs, maybe talking with her dd isn't enough. I actually resent my parents for not giving me any consequences to my actions because i did so many awful things in my teenage years, and got away with so much and never learned a thing, even tho my parents tried talking to me and explaining what i did was wrong and how it affects all of us ect..... it just didn't work at all for me and it's not going to work for a lot of childeren...
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Old 08-30-2005, 10:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
i think every child has special needs, maybe talking with her dd isn't enough. I actually resent my parents for not giving me any consequences to my actions because i did so many awful things in my teenage years, and got away with so much and never learned a thing, even tho my parents tried talking to me and explaining what i did was wrong and how it affects all of us ect..... it just didn't work at all for me and it's not going to work for a lot of childeren...
What do you think you needed?
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Old 08-30-2005, 10:53 AM
 
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i think i needed some boundries and some consequences, because nothing else worked, when i got in trouble and my parents tried to talk to me or understand, it gave me the inpression that i could get away with anything, and only have to talk about it after. (not saying every child is like this, maybe i was really stubborn). i also had a friend who's parents were even more gd than mine, and it REALLY didn't work for her, she would sneek boys into her room, go out drinking, every weekend, because she knew that she could basically get away with it and only have to talk with her parents afterwards when she got caught.
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Old 08-30-2005, 11:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
i think i needed some boundries and some consequences, because nothing else worked, when i got in trouble and my parents tried to talk to me or understand, it gave me the inpression that i could get away with anything, and only have to talk about it after. (not saying every child is like this, maybe i was really stubborn). i also had a friend who's parents were even more gd than mine, and it REALLY didn't work for her, she would sneek boys into her room, go out drinking, every weekend, because she knew that she could basically get away with it and only have to talk with her parents afterwards when she got caught.

What sort of boundaries? Is a boundary a punishment? Or something else? If they grounded you, would you have OK with that? Did they serve alcohol to your friends and you wished they hadn't? I want to understand what boundaries you would have felt comfortable with and not tried to negotiate. Were you in danger they ignored?

It sounds to me that there was something you needed, but couldn't get. Did you respect your parent's words? What do you wish they could have prevented you from doing? I am looking for more specifics to the word boundaries, as how does it look different from punishment. And what form of punishment, if you see that as boundaries, would have worked? Do you mean things like grounding? Taking your phone away? Why do you think you rejected or ignored your parents ideas? Were they dialoging or lecturing? Do you think you saw a difference? Did you feel part of a team or family, or did you feel they tried to thwart you? Did you feel respected?
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Old 08-30-2005, 11:17 AM
 
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Ah...I just re read it. I think you see GD as a free- for-all. Your friend was happy to put herself in dangerous situtaions because she could 'get away with it'. i would say there was much more going on there.

What does GD mean to you? how would you define it?
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Old 08-30-2005, 12:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpea333
i think i needed some boundries and some consequences, because nothing else worked, when i got in trouble and my parents tried to talk to me or understand, it gave me the inpression that i could get away with anything, and only have to talk about it after. (not saying every child is like this, maybe i was really stubborn). i also had a friend who's parents were even more gd than mine, and it REALLY didn't work for her, she would sneek boys into her room, go out drinking, every weekend, because she knew that she could basically get away with it and only have to talk with her parents afterwards when she got caught.
Why do you think you wanted to get away with everything?

I mean, technically speaking, I could get away with a lot of things in life. But I don't, KWIM?

I was a lot like you when I was an adolescent - probably worse. My father overdisciplined (until we left him), and my mother underdisciplined - she had no idea how to parent in some ways, really. No idea how to deal with sex or friends or any of that. And neither did I.

Looking back, I don't wish they put tighter reins on me - I wish they had really helped me with the struggles I faced. They just didn't know how.

I don't want the only thing standing between heavy drinking and my son to be the threat of punishment. That won't help him deal with the real world.
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Old 08-30-2005, 01:44 PM
 
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my parents tried to talk to me and understand why i would act out and they would talk to me about how my actions affected myself and them and how it could hurt me in the long run ect, and they would really listen, but it wasn't enough for me i think they should have taken priviledges away and really wish that i would have gotten grounded because i wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again (drinking, sleeping around). i felt respected because my parents listened to me, but i also felt ignored because i didn't get the discipline i desparately needed, and i dont think i would have felt "shamed" at all for being disciplined.. gd isn't going to work for everyone..
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
my parents tried to talk to me and understand why i would act out and they would talk to me about how my actions affected myself and them and how it could hurt me in the long run ect, and they would really listen, but it wasn't enough for me i think they should have taken priviledges away and really wish that i would have gotten grounded because i wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again (drinking, sleeping around). i felt respected because my parents listened to me, but i also felt ignored because i didn't get the discipline i desparately needed, and i dont think i would have felt "shamed" at all for being disciplined.. gd isn't going to work for everyone..

Interesting. Doesn't make sense to me, so do you mind me asking you a few questions?

What's GD to you?

Why do you think you disrespected your parents so?

I can see you didn't feel heard- you needed more and they wouldn'tcouldn't give it. did you feel they ignored your needs?

Why do you think they let you continue with self destructive behaviors while doing little?

Do you think you would have respected punishments, like gorundings etc. And how would this have felt different to you than them listening to you and discussing your needs with you?

Do you still, as an adult, try to 'get away with things', if you can? If so, what might make you stop? And if not, what made you change?

Do you have a relationship with your parents today?

Do you consider yourself a GD parent?

I am also particularly interested in girls with good self esteem who 'sleep around' . Did you feel your parents appreciated your sexuality, and what could they have done differently if you didn't?
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:12 PM
 
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to me gd is parenting with out hitting giving out punishments or consequences, its about understanding eachother, and talking about the problems and why a child may be acting out, and trying to help them understand how their actions are hurting others instead of using punishments... ect... its' about listening and talking, and developing a mutual respect, and really understanding eachother.... i believe in all that i just think that sometimes consequences are necessary, when all else fails.
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
to me gd is parenting with out hitting giving out punishments or consequences, its about understanding eachother, and talking about the problems and why a child may be acting out, and trying to help them understand how their actions are hurting others instead of using punishments... ect... its' about listening and talking, and developing a mutual respect, and really understanding eachother.... i believe in all that i just think that sometimes consequences are necessary, when all else fails.

i added more questions. I hope you don't mind...I understand if you might. It's ok.

For those of us not wanting to use coersion, humiliation and punishment, what might be good 'consequences' for teens who are not hearing their parents concerns? I am interested in what might go on in the mind of a teen who feels respected & accpeted by parents, but who doesn't feel a need to reciprocate in any way.
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:20 PM
 
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i also wanted to point out that true natural consequences is not the same as punishment. Although people have been taking them to mean the same thing, they aren't.

There is also a difference between neglect and GD.
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
i think they should have taken priviledges away and really wish that i would have gotten grounded because i wouldn't have made the same mistakes over and over again (drinking, sleeping around).
I also am struggling to understand...

Did your parents condone your drinking and sleeping around?

If they did, I don't know how GD that is--surely a young person should be told the ramifications of this behavior.

But if they were against this behavior and you did it without their consent or knowlege, why would you respect a "grounding" any more? Short of physical restraint, it would seem that their words alone weren't enough to change your behavior.

I just don't know how problem solving and respect don't "work" in a relationship...
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:53 PM
 
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of course my parents didnt condone this kind of behaviour, but i didn't care, i pretended to during our talks tho, what are they supposed to do tho, when they aren't grounding me, they told me the ramifications, but it wasn't enough. i would just go out and do the same thing, sure i had natural consequences, an std, a bad rep, but that didn't do anything until i turned 19 and found a boyfriend i really loved alot.
Well monkey's mom, i know it may be shocking but sometimes it just doesnt' work, sometimes it does. sometimes punishments work and sometimes they dont
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Old 08-30-2005, 02:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
of course my parents didnt condone this kind of behaviour, but i didn't care, i pretended to during our talks tho, what are they supposed to do tho, when they aren't grounding me, they told me the ramifications, but it wasn't enough. i would just go out and do the same thing, sure i had natural consequences, an std, a bad rep, but that didn't do anything until i turned 19 and found a boyfriend i really loved alot.
Well monkey's mom, i know it may be shocking but sometimes it just doesnt' work, sometimes it does. sometimes punishments work and sometimes they dont

I think there are some folks who don't buy into family respect. But to me, it dodesn't seem that your parents were doing anything about the root causes of the depth of your anquish and self-destructive behaviors.

But i don't agree that punishment is the answer to that. A simple look at our prision system proves that.

Did you not want to answer any of my other questions?
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Old 08-30-2005, 03:35 PM
 
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there wasn't any root cause, other than i wanted to have fun, and they did try and understand, and find the problem, but nothing is 100%, right, it just didn't work for me. and i didnt feel like answering the questions right now, maybe later
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Old 08-30-2005, 03:44 PM
 
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Analogy in my mind would be if somebody said "Well, I cheated on my husband because he trusted me. Had he been a little more strict and locked me up in the house once or twice, I wouldn't have"

We can not decipher the mentality of a person to the "t". However, in this case - if "messing around" was so much fun, do you think simple grounding would have stopped you?
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Old 08-30-2005, 03:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
of course my parents didnt condone this kind of behaviour, but i didn't care, i pretended to during our talks tho,
So why would you have cared if they had grounded you? Why wouldn't you just pretend to be grounded and then go do what you wanted to anyway?
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Old 08-30-2005, 03:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sweetpea333
there wasn't any root cause, other than i wanted to have fun, and they did try and understand, and find the problem, but nothing is 100%, right, it just didn't work for me. and i didnt feel like answering the questions right now, maybe later
Well, obviously you DID have issues, if you now regret doing those things.

Otherwise, why do you care that you slept around when you were a teenager? Why do you keep bringing it up?

My parents tried a variety of consequences (including grounding me) to get me to stop what I was doing, but none of those things worked. It's pretty hard to control a teenager and keep them from doing what they want to do.

That's one reason why it is so important to me to internalize GD methods. They don't depend upon the physical power of the parent to keep a child from doing something, which invariably fails when the child becomes a teenager.

I'm sorry you did things you regret when you were a teenager, and that it had lasting consequences. But your parents, and their lack of punitive control, are not necessarily to blame for that.
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Old 08-30-2005, 05:32 PM
 
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Sweetpea,
I competely agree with you and understand your perspective.
I do believe that sometimes children and teens do things they shouldnt because the temptation to do them is stronger than the reasons not to.
The risk of being date raped or getting an STD is just too abstract and "it will never happen to me" to a 15 year old.
The threat of not being allowed to go to a dance next Saturday or not being allowed to use the phone this week are real and relevant to a teenager.
Some ultra rebellious teens wont care , sure.
But some middle of the road teens are just begging parents to "please help me control myself, because I am not doing a good job of it".
When we say "grounding doesnt work" it is true with some teens sure.
But I think sweetpea has a point when she says that talking and explaining doesnt work with some teens either.
I think part of respecting our children is finding what works for them and doing that rather than following some idea of what should work.

But as I am one who thinks that logical consequences (parent applied) have a place in my GD toolkit, I am ready if this is the type of teen I have.
(and so far it looks like I do, but she is only 13, her type could change at any time).
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Old 08-30-2005, 06:15 PM
 
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why would i pretend to be grounded when i was a teenager, i didn't want to be grounded, but now i wish i was disciplined better, i saw great results with alot of my friends whos parents would discipline but also caring and understanding, their off in university and very happy and close with there parents. here i am a drop out with two kids (not that im not happy with my kids). i was a very lazy teenager who didn
t want to go to school and my parents couldn't motivate me and i couldn't motivate myself. maybe if i would have had consequences for not going to school (like i wouldn't be allowed to go out that nite, then it might have worked).
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Old 08-30-2005, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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From my own teen experience, and now as a mother of an 18-year old, my feeling is that teens are in a very unique and difficult stage of life. There is research that shows that teens' brains are in tremendous transition and growth and that they do not process information the way that people do at other stages of life. One thing they are particularly challenged in is that of impulse control. I know that when I was a teen, I was not of a mindset that cared about improving myself or looking at the long-term future. I was only concerned with the here and now. How can I get what I want, as quickly as possible and with minimal effort? Anything that got in the way of my accomplishing that was something I would take seriously. By putting limits on me, grounding me if need be (only happened a couple of times) and restricting privileges like spending money, use of car, etc. my parents gave me something to bounce off of. I needed to push the limits and know that there were bounds within which my behavior was acceptable (or not) in order to feel secure because otherwise I feared I would spin out of control ....

I was very tame as a teen. I never drank, had sex, did drugs, or skipped school. I respected my parents, though I tried not to show it sometimes. I think as teens, it is a huge conflict to be still needing our parents' guidance, but at the same time knowing that we are of an age to leave home and strike out on our own. We have learned just enough to be 'dangerous' as the saying goes (I don't mean that literally), and on top of that, lacking impulse control makes for a volatile situation unless firm boundaries are provided.

I firmly believe that the teen years are chaotic by design, and that if parents and teens continue communicating (which sometimes means arguing), they will come out the other side all the better for it.
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:25 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpea333
there wasn't any root cause, other than i wanted to have fun, and they did try and understand, and find the problem, but nothing is 100%, right, it just didn't work for me. and i didnt feel like answering the questions right now, maybe later

i amjust trying to figure out what 'it' was, when you say 'it didn't work for me"?

What exactly didn't work? What's it?
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
From my own teen experience, and now as a mother of an 18-year old, my feeling is that teens are in a very unique and difficult stage of life. There is research that shows that teens' brains are in tremendous transition and growth and that they do not process information the way that people do at other stages of life. One thing they are particularly challenged in is that of impulse control. I know that when I was a teen, I was not of a mindset that cared about improving myself or looking at the long-term future. I was only concerned with the here and now. How can I get what I want, as quickly as possible and with minimal effort? Anything that got in the way of my accomplishing that was something I would take seriously. By putting limits on me, grounding me if need be (only happened a couple of times) and restricting privileges like spending money, use of car, etc. my parents gave me something to bounce off of. I needed to push the limits and know that there were bounds within which my behavior was acceptable (or not) in order to feel secure because otherwise I feared I would spin out of control ....

I was very tame as a teen. I never drank, had sex, did drugs, or skipped school. I respected my parents, though I tried not to show it sometimes. I think as teens, it is a huge conflict to be still needing our parents' guidance, but at the same time knowing that we are of an age to leave home and strike out on our own. We have learned just enough to be 'dangerous' as the saying goes (I don't mean that literally), and on top of that, lacking impulse control makes for a volatile situation unless firm boundaries are provided.

I firmly believe that the teen years are chaotic by design, and that if parents and teens continue communicating (which sometimes means arguing), they will come out the other side all the better for it.

i agree the teen years can be chaotic for some, but I can't see how punishment changes that. If anything, I would imagine it would give a difficult child ever more rebelious.

Anyway, I am not sure sweetpea's anecdotal parenting experience can be labeled GD at this point, since we have no way of knowing whether the parents were actually GD or not.
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:55 PM
 
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Anyway, I am not sure sweetpea's anecdotal parenting experience can be labeled GD at this point, since we have no way of knowing whether the parents were actually GD or not.
I get the feeling that she has some issues from that period of time in her life that are more complex than whether or not her parents are GD.
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:56 PM
 
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Here's an example of how punishment can help a teenager with limits.

My dd and I were in the car with a friend of hers who was sharing a story. The girls involved were all around 12/13.
Anyway her friend was saying how this girl they both knew and some friends had left her house saying they were going over her (dd's friend) house late one afternoon. That night dd's friend started receiving frantic phone calls from the girl's mom asking if she was there, if she had been when she left etc. . . These phone calls continued till after midnight.
During this time the girl and her friends never did go to dd's friend's house.

So after they shared this story I asked DD what she thought about this. And how would she feel about wandering the neighborhood all hours of the night. Now she is 13, and she vaguely understands the risks of abduction and rape etc. . . but her answer was "I would never ever ever do that!!! You would KILL ME!!!"
Now, mind, I have never killed her before. WE use logical consequences very rarely, usually only in situations of danger or something so often repeated that we decide to take it to the next step. And usually DD helps decide what consequence is appropriate.
But in her teenage mind. It isnt the fear of being caught after curfew by the police, or being gang raped or even simply because of respect for my feelings that would help her make a responsible decision. It is the knowledge that if she does do something like that, Mom will act. For my dd. THat is enough.
Not all teens respond the same certainly. But real life consequences just dont seem "real" to lots of teens.

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Old 08-30-2005, 08:26 PM
 
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[QUOTE=UUMom]i amjust trying to figure out what 'it' was, when you say 'it didn't work for me"?

What exactly didn't work? What's it?/

GD, i know what it is, i read the forum regularly and that is how my parents tried to raise me. You all seem to think that it is goin to work with out fail, when no parenting style is 100% perfect.

and yeah i had issues, i wanted to have fun and i was very lazy just like a lot of teens these days, i loved my parents, i was never abused or neglected, i didnt do it to hurt anyone, i did it because i had fun,
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Old 08-30-2005, 08:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpea333
why would i pretend to be grounded when i was a teenager,
I'm saying IF your parents had grounded you, why would that have been any different for you? You keep saying you didn't listen to them and just did what you wanted anyway, so I'm not getting why them saying, "You're grounded." would have made you listen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetpea333
but now i wish i was disciplined better, i saw great results with alot of my friends whos parents would discipline but also caring and understanding, their off in university and very happy and close with there parents. here i am a drop out with two kids (not that im not happy with my kids). i was a very lazy teenager who didn
t want to go to school and my parents couldn't motivate me and i couldn't motivate myself. maybe if i would have had consequences for not going to school (like i wouldn't be allowed to go out that nite, then it might have worked).
Maybe. There certainly aren't any magic formulas. But, at some point we all make our own choices and have to take responsibility for those choices--good or bad.

I agree with you, UUMom--I'm hard pressed to blame GD for not working here. Lots we don't know.
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