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Originally Posted by johub
I am actually making EXTRA effort to be kind and spend time together and bond (when she is not picking a fight about the gounding etc. . .) There is no reason to treat her with spite on top of being a firmer parent.
Still tightrope walking! How early can they get emancipated??? (just kidding)
Originally Posted by allgirls
How are things going now? Just thinking of you and your dd
Originally Posted by johub
Along this line,
My dd just got a part in the Chorus of her school's spring musical! I am just as thrilled as she is. Rehearsals will take up a TON of time and she will love it. She will get to dance and sing, two things she is good at, and not just 1 hour a week.
Originally Posted by Lisa P
Joline, I think you have made some wonderful changes. While I don't have a teenager (for a while yet), my family went through something similar with my kid sister. At 12 she generally was out of control and lied/stole/ditched school/smoked, etc. She was in and out of rehab by 15 for drug addiction. My parents had been the more laid back type until then. Then they reined her in. Her choices were certainly influenced by her peer group so my parents told her she could no longer socialize with ANY of her old crew outside of school. That even meant no going over to Sarah's house, even if her mom would be supervizing b/c it wasn't the situations alone, it was the influence of her peers.
My sis had all privileges taken away for an indeterminate amount of time...no X weeks stuff. She only earned freedoms when she showed she could handle them and had earned them through her desire to be an active part of the family and respectful of my parents.
Finally, my mom gave her something to replace what had been taken away... My sis always wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So, she got one for her Birthday (a bit early) and was enrolled in weekly private lessons. Without a computer in her room and no tv or phone privileges, she had nothing to do but practice and play her guitar. She hated it the concept, but then decided she really loved the music and it was no biggie to not have access to those other things. When she finally earned those privileges back, she hardly used them. The next school year, my parents looked into and enrolled her in a public performing arts highschool (which further seperated her from her old friends) not because they wanted to punish her by yanking her out of the old environment, but because sis was so into music by then she was practically beging to go.
Once she had music to focus on, she went from a C/D student to an A/B student. She hit some bumps but got it worked out.
You said your dd is into singing... what about getting her private lessons...or auditioning her for a local children's choir? It would give her something to focus on when she's not at rehersal for the musical and once its over.
Also, you mentioned she had a hard time talking to her and she said it was because you made her feel belittled etc. Then you went on to say something to the effect of "...but she reacts to me saying such innocuous things." Maybe if you tried to have the conversation with her again and asked her to eplain why certain things you say make her feel a certain way you'll get further. I think the reaction you exhibited here on the board suggested that maybe your responses to her in that initial conversation belittled her (just as she feared) when you couldn't understand why "innocuous" things upset her. It may have come off as more of a judgement about her ability to understand things than you intended.
Glad things are on the up and up!
Originally Posted by johub
Thank you for this post. THis is pretty much exactly what is going on.
And things have actually gotten worse. See, I dropped the ball just a little bit. I wouldnt let her take the bus to her friends house so DH dropped her off there after work. I went to pick her up yesterday and she wasnt there, she hadnt even spent the night. She had been there and both girls left saying they were coming here. So i was left finding her the next day. Even though we had personally escorted her to her destiation. She was a smart cookie. Handing me the phone and telling me to go ahead and call her friends dad to verify the plans and that he would be home. I BOUGHT IT and didn't call. Just made sure she didnt go anywhere else when we dropped her off. SO she had basically 24 hours of free time and I found her at a boys house.
GRRR. I am way too laid back and trusting.
And this was only 24 hours after getting in trouble for lying.
So it is no grounding for her either. just like your sister. She is in for a long time of being always supervised.
And surprisingly enough. she got a guitar for Christmas and is oging to be taking lessons too! (what a concidence)
It is almost the exact same story. I had already decided that she would go down to no priviledges/trust indefinitely and that if she wanted to socialize it would be in organized activities. And here I get this post stating the success of just such a plan.
It just seems almost divinely inspired!
And just like your parents, it is also part of my plan to minimize her out of school contact with her friends by eliminating her phone and internet access.
And this is not for a specified time either, but until she grows up and shows initiative and honesty and responsibility.
I just hate this though because I am such an easygoing person by nature. So non confrontational that deep down I resent her for being this way and forcing me to go so against my nature because she refuses to be guided by the gentle guidance I Have offered her for the past 13 years.
Life is supposed to have its challenges though and this is mine. So I take up my arms and do the best job I can.
Thank you ladies for all of your continued support. I need it and will continue to do so.
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