HELP 12 year old thinks she's one of the adults...bedtimes! - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-15-2006, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay its march break, my dad and stepmom just left.
Its like 9:30 and my dd is on the net with her friends discussing with me 'whats on tv at 10' ?????

Now when my dad was visiting I let her stay up later than normal and it is March break but geewiz I'd like some adult time with dh... I finally said grab that book you are reading and go to your room....

There is a big gap between the kids dd 12 and ds 4yrs. How do I delicately remind her that bedtime is still for you? And that these things are mine? TV is my control...mine.... that computer mine...like what do 12 year olds have to talk about for hours on IM? pick up the phone and call her for pete's sake! invite her over....

sigh....

8 might be enough
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Old 03-15-2006, 03:53 AM
 
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My parents always used to ask me how I could spend all day in school with my friends, and still need to talk for hours after school. I don't know HOW we did it, but we sure did! My grandma paid for call waiting for us, so I could talk all I wanted.
My soon-to-be 11 y.o. no longer has a 'bed-time'. I think that at some point they have to make their own decision as to when they are tired. She DOES, however, have a 'room-time' which is 9:00 p.m. She can do what she likes in there, as long as it doesn't bug me. No loud music, game cube must be quiet, etc. But along with the privelidge of chosing when to go to sleep comes the responsibility of making sure she gets to school on time. If she doesn't make the bus, she walks. And its a LONG way. (I would follow in the car, but she's never missed the bus, so its a non-issue)

Honestly, I think that if she was on the phone instead of the net, you'd get tired of hearing her yapping and laughing and whispering and.... well you get the idea. Besides, there are things they talk about that they really don't want us to hear! It may just be time to sit down and renegotiate the boundaries in your house. If you make it an open discussion, you may find she's willing to 'give' more than you think.

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Old 03-15-2006, 10:19 AM
 
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She is 12, practically a teenager, a young adult. She shouldnt have the same rules as the 4 year old. Can you and hubby spend your alone time in your room so she can watch the TV at 10? My dd isnt allowed on line past 10. Too many creeps on the net and they are more then likely to creep around at night time. Kayla is also off the phone most nights at 10. I think its rude to have her calling someones home that late. She doesnt have a bedtime and she hasnt since she was like 11. She always seems to go to sleep at around 10-10:30 on her own. She does have a TV in her room so she can go in her room and watch tv, this way DH and I have the TV downstairs. I think you and her can come up with solutions that will make you both happy.
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Old 03-15-2006, 12:07 PM
 
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I agree that she does need different guidelines than your 4 year old, but there still has to be some boundaries too. Our "off the net and off the phone" time is 8pm for EVERYONE, kids and adults alike. We need some wind-down family time too *not just doing things together, but cuddling and talking and whatnot*. The older ones are in their rooms at 9pm, where they have a tv. Most nights, it's off by 9:30...just enough to conk them out.
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Old 03-15-2006, 12:59 PM
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I have a 12 and 7 year old. They are put to bed Fri/Sat at 10pm. During weekday nights it's 9pm. There is only one rule after that: do not get out of bed (barring bathroom/drink runs of course). The 12 year old is usually asleep with 10 minutes. The 7 year old... man he's still up to 11:00 some nights. Dh and I must have that time with no kids. I need that time to do things without the kids following me around. I am a better person when I get some time to myself.

So maybe try setting a "room time" as a pp does. And level with her. My kids both know that after 9 or 10 they are on my time and that it is important for me to have some veg time. The rest of the time not spent sleeping is theirs, minus that one hour of mine
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Old 03-15-2006, 01:05 PM
 
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How easily does she get up in the morning, out of curiosity? She may just be one of those people that doesn't need very much sleep. Maybe you could experiment and let her stay up later, but have her wake herself up (with an alarm clock) and see how she does. If she can't drag herself out of bed, maybe she'll realize that she needs more sleep than she thinks she does.
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Old 03-15-2006, 04:12 PM
 
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I hadn't had a bedtime since I was 11. I won't be enforcing a bed time with a 12 year old.

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Old 03-15-2006, 05:05 PM
 
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A 12 year old is too old to enforce a bedtime, and she certainly should not have the same guidlines or rules as a 4 year old. As long as she knows she has to get up at such and such time for school (but seeing as how it's March Break, there REALLY should not be a bedtime for her) she should be able to go to bed when she feels tired. I have a 13 year old sister and would laugh if my mother was telling her to go to bed...
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Old 03-15-2006, 05:33 PM
 
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With DD (8yo) we have it so that if there is a program on that at least on of us (DH or I) want to watch with her, she can stay up and watch until 9. Otherwise, she can read in bed until 9. We plan on keeping it this way-she'll be able to stay up later as time goes on, but she has room time unless one of us shares her interest in watching something on TV. On weekends, she can stay up later (10.)
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Old 03-17-2006, 10:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calicokatt
My soon-to-be 11 y.o. no longer has a 'bed-time'. I think that at some point they have to make their own decision as to when they are tired.
Same here. Our oldest can watch t.v. or read (in their room) until 9:00pm on a school night if they want to, but usually they are asleep before that time. Just letting them choose it for themselves usually gets them to do it. I restrict any computer usage after 6pm for now (my child is 10). IMO there's no reason for a child to be on the computer later than that.

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Old 03-18-2006, 03:56 AM
 
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Our kids never really had "bedtimes". We made sure they had enough sleep to be well rested but they learned pretty early how much sleep they need.

I know it is hard when you want to spend sometime ALONE with your dh. We are very honest with the kids and say something like. "hey, you know how you like to talk privately with your friends and how you like to stay in your room hanging ALONE out when your friends are over..well, we are friends and we really need sometime to just hang out alone. we would really appreciate it if you could give us a little time together in the evenings." we explain that we always try to respect their privacy and want them to respect ours.

I can tell you from experience, VERY soon she will not want to hang out in the same room as you. Then you will wish she did!

We have never let the kids use the computer for chat rooms or IM ing.( it's just t dangerous . They can use is to play games, research someting they are interested in , look up song lyrics, write emails to friends and family.
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Old 03-18-2006, 04:14 AM
 
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I agree with most of the PP. I wouldn't really set a bedtime for a child that age ( I was a night owl and would have lain in bed awake for hours if my parents had done that), but if you want time alone with dh it is perfectly reasonable to have her spend that time in her room doing what she wants as long as she is quiet.
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Old 03-18-2006, 01:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by granolamom
Our kids never really had "bedtimes". We made sure they had enough sleep to be well rested but they learned pretty early how much sleep they need.

I know it is hard when you want to spend sometime ALONE with your dh. We are very honest with the kids and say something like. "hey, you know how you like to talk privately with your friends and how you like to stay in your room hanging ALONE out when your friends are over..well, we are friends and we really need sometime to just hang out alone. we would really appreciate it if you could give us a little time together in the evenings." we explain that we always try to respect their privacy and want them to respect ours.
: It worked for my family(and still does!).

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Old 03-18-2006, 02:19 PM
 
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I agree with others who've said that there doesn't need to be a bedtime as much as a room time.

My friend has all their kids in their rooms at 8:30-9:00. They are allowed to do anything in their rooms, but it is time for her & her hubby to spend together and a time for everyone to wind down too. It works really well for them.
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Old 03-20-2006, 04:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't have bed times more of a go to your room be quiet if you want to stay up, read, play I don't care its just don't bug mom after 8pm for ds 4.

The thing with dd she is 12 but she tires out earlier at night than ds, she gets up at 6am, so if she stays up past 9:30 she will certainly nap the next day. DS usually sleeps until 7:30-8am always been that way. She 'told me' tha her bedtime was 9pm. Thats a compromise that works for me, I know that 8pm is too early for her age (even though most nights if she stays up is asleep on the couch before 9!) She does need more sleep but you know all the cool things happen after 9.... like scary shows or watching my dad finish a bottle of scotch... DS does much better on less sleep, but out of the two of them dd will still have a nap after a busy day.

It wasn't the bedtime enforcment that I think bugged me, bedtime for her entirely slid when my dad and step mom were visiting and well it was march break aka no school nights... And since there's the big age gap dd is closer to an adult than ds... but that doesn't mean I want her feet up on my couch at 11pm surfing the tv for inappropriate scare me tv shows.... I think part of it is I need 'child free' time. I want an hour with the dh alone when I don't have to worry who is raiding the fridge, what they are watching.

And to the other poster - you are so right IM is so much less annoying than a 3 hour conversation about 12 year old girl stuff!

I think I am going to make sure she has things to do in her room, read, girl magazines, but I won't put a tv in there or the computer. I just think kids need to relax....but really I am going to have to accept that she's growing up and maybe give her like Saturday nights let her stay up as late as she feels up to? (me it would have been 2am, but I've never seen her past 11 even for new years!). I guess I should also think of activities that we could do as a family nontv for when the little ones are sleeping before she goes to bed...board games, cards, crafts. I was just so spoiled when she went to bed at 8pm of her own choosing up until last year.....

8 might be enough
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Old 04-21-2006, 04:00 AM
 
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At that age a later bedtime makes perfect sense to me. Of course my kids stay up until 2 or 3 am so there's that to consider.

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Old 04-21-2006, 04:08 AM
 
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At that age a later bedtime makes perfect sense to me. Of course my kids stay up until 2 or 3 am so there's that to consider.
Totally off topic..
it's so nice to see you unschooln!
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Old 04-21-2006, 03:18 PM
 
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Totally off topic..
it's so nice to see you unschooln!
I agree!

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Old 04-21-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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We are a bit different here. My 17 1/2 yo dd has a weeknight bedtime of 9 p.m. She gets up at 5-5:30 a.m. to do chores and get herself off to school, and she has often said she is glad we make her go to sleep so early. She needs it. If she did not have a bedtime, she would easily get too engrossed in a good book, and lose track of time, and then be very tired the next day. On the weekends, she stays up later, depending on what's going on/what she wants to do.

The 7 and 5 yos have a weeknight bedtime of 8 p.m, but often get into bed a bit later now that dh is getting home so late, and it's light outside so late. Things will change in the summertime, but they will still have a time when they must settle down and go to sleep. My kids all really seem to need this structure. If they did ok w/out it, they would just have 'quiet room time'.

Dh and I have no problem telling them (like on the weekends) that we need our time alone, so go do something quietly in your rooms (other side of the house). They don't have tvs in their rooms, but we have one that can be moved in there for special occasions (like sleepovers). On the tvs we do have satellite on, we have everything inappropriate password protected so that they cannot watch. So the times when they do get to stay up surfing for something to watch, we know they aren't watching something they shouldn't. Even the teen. We also do not ever, ever allow IM or chat rooms. Too scary. And I guess I'm lucky. My teen would much rather be reading a good astrophysics book she borrowed from a teacher than surfing the net or talking on the phone.

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Old 04-21-2006, 03:37 PM
 
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And I guess I'm lucky. My teen would much rather be reading a good astrophysics book she borrowed from a teacher than surfing the net or talking on the phone.
That's great. But I personally think that talking on the phone and socialising is equally as important as studying. I think you are lucky to have a wonderful daughter and what sounds like a harmonious relationship. But is she lucky that you happen to like her preferences? Do you value study over socialising?
I'm all curious now.
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Old 04-21-2006, 05:07 PM
 
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Oh, goodness, no, lol! I don't value one over the other. That is just her preference. She is a very goal-oriented individual. She has dreams of becoming a research professor at an Ivy League University oneday. She knows that if she doesn't keep her mind on her studies that dream will never come true. She does plenty of socializing at school, but would much rather spend her lunches talking w/her teachers because they can engage her in a stimulating conversation. She has friends, but none that share her interests outside of school. She did have a boyfriend once who had similar interests but broke it off w/him when he tried to push her too far, iykwim. She knows that she is more likely to find those kind of friends in college. In her spare time, she likes to volunteer at the local charity thrift store, take walks in our woods identifying all the wonderful varieties of trees and wildflowers, and read, read, read. She is highly interested in anything math and science related and finds the interests of her acquaintances boring and, well, boring, lol. I've never met anyone like her! She loves to study physics and calculus(she started learning calculus over the summer just because she wanted to), and no one else she knows is into that quite like she is. She recently attended her junior prom, and chose to be her unique self by wearing a beautiful kimono, and she made the Obi and undercollar herself. Honestly, I was soooo different at that age, and yes, I'm happy that these are her preferences, rather than having sex and drinking like I did. I'm sure that my other children will also be unique in their own ways, but surely not quite like her. She is actually my stepdd and her biomother wanted her to be worried about boys and sex at the ripe ole age of 13. My dd thought that was ridiculous! And so did her dad and I! She no longer has a relationship w/her biomom (her choice), and she feels very lucky that she lives w/us so that she is free to pursue her interests, instead of being teased and put down for them.

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Old 04-21-2006, 05:13 PM
 
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Totally off topic..
it's so nice to see you unschooln!
Thanks MamaJama and ErikaDP. Good to be seen.

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Old 04-21-2006, 05:14 PM
 
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My 11yo doesn't have a "bedtime" either- but my 9yo (almost 10) does because she has trouble getting up in the mornings. My oldest is simply one of those people who needs less sleep than average- she needs less sleep than I do!! I imagine that my younger DD is going to need a set bedtime throughout her teenaged years, because of her sleep needs and difficulty with self-regulating (ie, she'll stay up too late and be overtired and unable to fall asleep.)

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Old 04-21-2006, 05:24 PM
 
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I go to bed before my daughter.

We are having a problem with her getting up on time in the morning. I have enforced a "no internet or phone" cerfew. (9:30)

In the summer, I won't worry about how late she is on the phone, as long as our phone isn't ringing late at night. MY husband gets up very early in the morning.

But, since she has been getting up late, she MUST go to bed by 10:30 til the end of the school year. I have also noticed that her health has been suffering in the last few months. I am more worried about her overall health...so I am encouraging her to get more sleep...I want her to WANT to feel good...sleep is so important for feelng good during the day.
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