15 yo ds1 thinks he can do whatever he pleases - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 35 Old 04-11-2006, 10:51 PM
 
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I am having similar problems with my teen. Ya know, I used to think I knew alot more about parenting kids as they got older until I had one get older!!! I absolutely think kids need boundaries. I will not let my teen make my whole house miserable or set a poor example for the younger kids. It's amazing what my 3 year old can pick up from her. If she breaks one of the rules then she loses a privilege. For her these include: cell phone privileges, having to walk to/from school, getting her own ride to play practices or having to miss it, no tv, no computer, no computer games, no friends on the weekends, no phone calls, no money. I also reward good behavior like helping me with the baby or other kids, doing all her chores, etc. I give her money to buy clothes, go to the movies, drive her to school, rent movies to watch, have friends over, etc.

I have decided that I am not going to get constantly stressed out and angry over all the poor choices she makes. She is going to have to learn that there are consequences for poor behavior and if you treat someone like crap, you will not get the things you want from them! I told her that if one of my friends talked to me the way she had been, they would no longer be my friends and I wouldn't want to spend time with them, so if she wanted to be around the family and me, she would have to be more respectful.

Oh, and I banned TV's, phones, computer games, etc. from all bedrooms and make sure that she can't retreat to her bedroom for the weekend!

Good luck. Not even sure if any of this helps you or not. I have found having a teen is much harder than having a baby or toddler!!! Teens can be very "uncute" sometimes. But it sounds like overall your kid is a good kid, just going through a rough patch. you'll make it!
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#32 of 35 Old 04-12-2006, 09:54 PM
 
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Ok, normally I'm pretty laid back. But drastic times call for drastic measures.

If you knew where he was I would have sent DH to go get him. And if he refused to come home with DH I would have reported him as a runaway. I'm a VERY reasonable person, but I do NOT put up with dangerous behavior. He would have come home to find a matress on the floor in his bedroom with bedding on it, and a box of the very basic clothing he needed, nothing else. I wouldn't have even left the posters on the walls. However, I would have exhausted all other means first, and it sounds like you have. It doens't matter how grown up he feels, you are still legally responsible for every little screw up. If he gets arrested for being out late and causing a disturbance, it's you that has to pay the fine and court fees etc. Since he's avoiding talking to you and calling stepdad instead, maybe step dad should just always say from now one "Ask your mother."

-Heather

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
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#33 of 35 Old 04-12-2006, 11:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the ironic thing is that at dinner tonight, he made a comment to the effect that "he's just a kid...he shouldn't have as many responsiblities around the house as i do". huh?

this of course was in reference to the fact that i don't want to have to mop the floor after he has dropped cake and icing on it.
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#34 of 35 Old 04-14-2006, 04:53 AM
 
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Hi Rach!
I'm sorry you are going through this right now with your teen boy.

I thought I would make a few suggestions, even though my relationship with my teen is.. well.. I wouldn't say strained because we're very close, but difficult because she annoys me so much. I know I annoy her too.

It is my belief that teenagers need their parents just as much as they did when they were babes, if not more in some ways. I would NOT take his door off (when I was a teen, my friend's mom did that to her and it did nothing but further distance their relationship!!). It really sounds like your son is angry with you, for whatever reason, and probably for reasons he will either not admit to, or he is not aware of. You just had a baby (news to you, eh?) and that could be a big part of it.

Do you two ever get any time to be together without pressure or stress? I would ask him to do something with you. Hound him if you have to, to do stuff with you. Let him know you need him, even if it's help fixing something or making an art project, anything you can think of. I would also have him go out with you, to spend time together. I feel this is extremely important for the sake of your relationship. You have to take the baby with you of course, but otherwise, just you, him, and the babe. Maybe out to dinner, go shopping, hike leisurely down a trail, whatever it is that you two can stand doing together. I would talk to him about life casually and not pressure him to "fix" the relationship and the problems you're having with each other while you are doing things together. At first he may be very resistant to the idea, but I promise you it will make a difference.

In regards to that class, or whatever it is, I would tell him about it and how important it is to you that you guys learn to get along together again, and that YOU need it.

Does he have a cell phone? You can call him during the day just to shoot the $h*t. You can tell him you're ok with him going out after school, but please call you and let you know where he'll be. If he doesn't have a cell, maybe take him to get one, and let him know the rules for using it.

I'm usually pretty good at perceiving what's going on in a kid's head, and I really think he's angry with you. I do think you should try some GD techniques with him, and I've found that some of the same techniques you use with a toddler works with older chidren and adults too.

I really hope I haven't offended you by my suggestions, and I don't know what you have and haven't tried with him. Keep us updated will you? I'm really interested in what's happening with this.
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#35 of 35 Old 04-14-2006, 09:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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yes, he's angry...probably about the fact that we have a new babe...im not working right now (so that cuts into his consumerism), his dad and i have been divorced since he was 2...G-d only knows what else he's angry about.
he's angry that his list of chores include taking out the garbage, brining laundry from the basement upstairs (thats the way we go in and out of the house, so he passes it 2-3 times per day), emptying the dishwasher (hasnt done that in ages), keeping his room free of food and trash (doesnt do that either), putting his clothes away and putting his dirty laundry in the laundry area (again, that takes an act of Congress to get done), cleaning the litter boxes (does it, but poorly) and some yard work that takes weeks to be done (i dread summer b/c its his job to mow the lawn and it goes at least 2 weeks past due each time...i have always loved mowing the lawn and would rather just do it myself than hear about it from him).
he does have a cell phone. thats another issue. he's had one for years b/c i worked in Boston and needed to get in touch with him. now, a few years later, he feels like it is HIS and not something that i can actually take away. He talks on it whenever he wants, etc.
I try to do things with him and spend time with him. Every Tues. dh goes to see dss and ds1 and i are alone with the baby. sometimes its nice..we have dinner together, etc. but sometimes he wont come down to dinner when its ready, or he explodes about a chore, etc.
I would NEVER take the door off his room, for two reasons. 1. that woudl have made me suicidal as a teenager. I really really needed privacy and i know he does too. 2. i dont want to have to look at his room. his door is the one that is at the very top of the stairs, and if i had to look into his room each time i came upstairs i would go crazy!!!
i just started a book entitled "Parenting Your OUt of Control Teenager". WIll let you guys know what I think of it.
for now, things are the same. Last night was difficult but aftewards, he came and told me he was sorry and gave me a kiss. I just don't know.....
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