Moving across the state with a 13 yr old DS, he is not happy, need advise - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 04-15-2006, 07:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need some hugs from families who have been through this with a teen...please tell me it will be OK someday...

We closed on our first new house yesterday. We are moving about an hour and a half north from where we currently live. We are moving from intense suburban sprawl just outside Providence RI, to a small rural town in MA. This is a wonderful, healthy move for the family.
Our plan was to move next summer, but we were forced to move from where we have lived for 12 years by the landlord. He wants to let his son and wife have this house. We went from getting an eviction letter, to closing on the house in 6 weeks.

DS1, 12 years old and soon to be 13, is miserable. He hates the new house, hates the town, hates having to leave the only place he has ever called home and move to what he feels is the other side of the planet. Nothing about the move is positive to him. We will be closer to a lot of things he loves to do (kayak, hike, snowboard), we will be able to get a dog, and he will be attending a home school co-op located on a working farm. Still, to him it all sucks. Three months ago he would have thought it all wonderful. He is usually a 'glass half empty' kind of kid anyhow, and this sudden move has him even more glum.

I have been letting him vent to me, letting him tell me how gross the new house is (it's not) how bad the yard is (it is half an acre of woods fer crying out loud!) how the town is full of hicks and looks like something from a old horror movie (it is an older mill town full of mom and pop stores). I am trying to put a positive spin on things, nothing is helping.

I understand why this is hard for him. I moved at the same age. I guess I am looking for any advise you can give on how to help him.
Were your kids like this?
Does he just need time?
We will be moved into the new house by June 1st.
He will be staying with an aunt for 2 weeks while he finishes the school year (his choice)

It will get better, right????

Kristina; wife to Max, Mom to Tristan (17) and Zackariah (7) and Lillian (5)
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#2 of 8 Old 04-16-2006, 03:55 PM
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It will get better It is a hard age to move. It sounds like you got the ball going on a lot of things that interest him and his school next year should be pretty cool. I don't have much advice but . I can't say I wouls do it any differently than you.
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#3 of 8 Old 04-16-2006, 09:39 PM
 
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Im sending you GOOD VIBES.... my ds/nephew 10 and dd/niece 8 just moved about 500 miles to us. it has been very difficult on dd 8 the most. i realize we have some different emotional issues on our end but uprooting is difficult for everyone and we are looking to relocate again in the fall for DH job...

I just say give him time, let him be angry.... involve him in picking out new stuff for his room.... does he like gardening? it sound like wonderful property... maybe he could develop a veggie patch? or if he likes to build you could help him work on plans to build a 'club house' type of hangout....

give him time, he will come around... also if possible assure him you can take him back to the 'city' to see his old friends etc ....
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#4 of 8 Old 04-17-2006, 12:47 PM
 
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hi there. my hubby and your hubby have been talking, but i wanted to respond to your thread here. i was in exactly the same situation a few years back! my son was 11/12 when we moved to NH from Boston. My son has always been very social and makes friends very easy. We lived in South Boston (i did NOT research this area before moving there in 1997 and at that time it was much less assimilated...very anti-anything other than white Catholic, SAHM's..i just did NOT fit). It was right beside downtown where i worked though, so i bought a house there. Fast forward a few years and my son is riding his bike in the middle of town (in Southie, not downtown Boston), hoping on public buses, and generally doing things that the other kids were doing but that i didnt want him to do. Also, he went to summer camp in NH b/c none of the ones in S.Boston exposed them to the outdoors, etc. That summer camp cost me an arm and a leg!!!
NH offered the same size home on 2 1/2 acres of land (mostly woods) with a 2 car garage and 2 sheds for $100k LESS than the Boston home with a pavement backyard and no parking. NH also was very family friendly...had a wonderful Boys and Girls Club that was a second home to my ds1 b/c i **** had to work in Boston (LONG commute as a result of this move).
My son was livid! he didn't want to move to the middle of nowhere with the hicks!!! He hated my political activism, etc. etc. etc. He was NOT going to enjoy it. Oh, and did i mention he was in private school in Boston and the public school where we live is excellent and their high school is a private school that has an agreement with the town that our kids go there??? Yeh!
NOW? He has made a bunch of friends. The WORST thing that has happened so far is that he has grown up and a kid at his school got caught with marijuana (that happened in 4th grade at his private school, as well as othre problems). He is captain of his basketball team and voted MVP last year. His grades are excellent (mostly A's, but some B's and B+'s other than Spanish, where he struggles).
You have to do what is right for your family. I understand your son is disappointed and upset, but eventually he will get over it. I talked with my ds1 until i was blue in teh face but it didnt help convince him that our move was for his benefit. I guess you should still do it to let him know that you care how he feels, but dont expect him to come back to you and tell you that he understands..he wont. For him, his life is over.
One thing i would ask is if there is any way to let him finish out the school year where he is? It would be more convenient for you and him if he could start next year at the new school and have the summer to meet some neighborhood kids. That situation wouldn't be possible for us, since i was not close enough to anyone in s. Boston to leave my child with them for the entire school week, but thats my only "solution" to the current problem.
I recommend getting him in the Boys and Girls club whereever you move...we moved in the summer and my son met a lot of kids there before he started school, and since he was there all day long during the summer, he became close to some of the kids and gonig to the "new" school wasnt as dramatic as it otherwise would have been.
good luck...i KNOW where you are coming from. sorry my response is so long..i have a problem and know it!
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#5 of 8 Old 04-17-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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WOW, I wish I could have had your move!

I had to move my daughter from a great school district to a not so wonderful school.

We moved from a neighborhood with lots to do, and lots of places to walk to with her friends, to a place with NOTHING within walking distance, and NO girls her age.

It was horrid at first. But, she is a glass half full kind of kid, so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been. We also moved between school years, so it wasn't like moving mid year.

All I can say is to give it time. It slowly got better. There are things she still misses desperately....but strangly, she likes the school a lot more than the old one. (cuz it's so dang easy!) He will be sad and grieve for what he is losing...but, slowly, he will begin to feel better.

My suggestion is to get him his dog asap. That way, he will have a "Friend" right away, and will not feel so alone. Also, dogs are an excellent way to meet new friends. There is nothing like an adorable puppy mauling the neighbors to break the ice. A bike might help too. The other kids will see him building ramps and doing jumps on his bike and maybe they will wander over to play with him. You can hijack a few of his freinds the first weekend, (of course drive them back home on Sunday) so he can have a friend to explore with.

I hope the best for you....I remember all too well the guilt of making my daughter feel so alone and sad. I was a nervous wreck the first day of school. I imagined her eating her lunch all alone. It's a terrible feeling.
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#6 of 8 Old 04-17-2006, 04:23 PM
 
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sorry i had a brain freeze and didn't see that your son will be staying with an aunt until the end of the year. good job on being able to do that! it really will help him usher in a new school year fresh!
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#7 of 8 Old 04-17-2006, 06:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aisraeltax
sorry i had a brain freeze and didn't see that your son will be staying with an aunt until the end of the year. good job on being able to do that! it really will help him usher in a new school year fresh!
DUH! I missed that one too.
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#8 of 8 Old 04-17-2006, 06:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your posts!

I will try to get DS involved in something after the move. I am hoping his new school will have something to do this summer, it is after all, a working farm and there are only 12 kids in the school. The dog can't happen till at least August, too much to do and 2 little kids to consider as well.

We will be in the new house by June 1st, school, ends June 19th. He will have to stay with my aunt who lives around the corner from here, and see the new people move in here. My mom will be living next door to my aunt (her sister) and my brother and family live at the end of the street. We are moving away from lots of family but it is the right thing to do. The house across the street from me just went on the market....3 bed on less than a quarter acre...$392,000 : We just got a 3 bed house on 1/2 an acre of woods, with 500 more sq ft for almost HALF that! Real estate is crazy here !!!

Kristina; wife to Max, Mom to Tristan (17) and Zackariah (7) and Lillian (5)
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