I Love him but I really & truly dislike the person he is most of the time. But it really is my fault that this has come to pass.
When I was preggers w/ Ds #2 I was alone again. I had split up with Ds#1's father & jumped into another relationship, gotten engaged, got pregnant & then we split up too. I was lucky to get a subsidized apartment before he kicked me out. A month later I was put on bed rest because Ds#2 was measuring small for his gestational age. Ds#1 would have been about 19 mos old. Mom & dad were having fun with their grandson & offered to watch him so I could stay in bed per Dr. orders. He had fun over there & they were also in a much better financial situation than I was so I agreed. Over the years he spent more & more time over there. (They occasionally watched Ds#2 but never really became attached to him) When Ds#1 got ready to start kindergarden I agreed that he should start school where they lived because I was still going from rental to rental. They were still in the house I grew up in. He started staying all week there & spending the weekends at my house. That was also the year I met my currant Dh. He later started coming over on Sat only when they got reinvolved in Church. Then he got in sports & I barely saw him.
I thought I was doing what was best for him. I was wrong. I saw flaws but never realized how deeply they went. Last year Dad called & said after the school year was over he was moving back up with me. I said okay (he was always welcome) The next morning Dad called & said he was bringing him to me that day, apparently Ds had gone after my mother as if to hit her & dad said he could no longer handle him. We spent that day moving everything out of the computer room to turn it into Ds#1's bedroom. (We were getting ready to turn it into Dd's (who was then 18 mos) bedroom because I was 7 mos preggers with Ds#3). Mom stood & cried & begged him to apologize to Dad & beg to move back home, so she was against him moving home from day 1. We in essence went from a 1 child home to a 4 child home in under 2 years.
I knew there would be an adjustment period. I gave Ds#1 the benefit of the doubt as far as his behavior was concerned but I was also prepared for the worst. I outlined for him that things were quite a bit different at our house than what he was used to. We are not as consumeristic as my parents. (they had already bought him a car at 13 years old!
) Mom was very permissive (even allowing him to drive on streets & interstates
) I don't lie to my Dh like mom does regulary to my father (over the most stupid things) & etc...
He seemed to be adjusting fairly well at first. Then he started showing his true colors. He picks on his brother pretty badly (although they are only 22 mos apart Ds#1 is 2-3X Ds#2's size), teases his sister mercilessly, uses TOTALLY unacceptable language (ie pu$$y
), We have caught him smoking & outright defies our authority on a regular basis. I have stood my ground. Things got so bad one night that I actually dropped him off at Juvenile Hall to spend the night (that was after he called me a stupid b!t@h when I tried to correct his behavior) We are going to counselling, both family & individual for him but I don't really see it helping he has just become sneakier in what he does. Mom has also started coming up on Monday nights & taking him out & about & I caught them both in a lie this last Monday/Tuesday.
I am over it!!! This is causing problems now for Dh & I (the most serious problem we ever had before this was when I dragged home a stray kitten & he made the mistake of telling me I wasn't going to keep it. I have enrolled Ds#1 in a military program called the Young Marines hoping it will help straighten him out. It isn't a military school, it's like a cross between Boy Scouts & ROTC. At this point though if I could afford it I would consider sending him to military school. He is totally self absorbed, materialistic, egocentric, obnoxious, rude, deceitful & manipulative. I need help! I don't know what to do from here. I'm afraid that if things continue I won't have any choice but to turn him over to state custody. I love him & don't want to do this but I have 3 other children to take care of too.