How to deal with this very uncomfortable situation? UPDATE bottom pg 2 - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 115 Old 05-29-2006, 11:24 AM
 
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I posted this last night and it was removed...

To Mama2toomany - I 100% support your decision to involve the authorities, the ? of "what if" was too big to ignore. Your brother sounds like a sensitive soul, we need more of these in this cold-hearted world. Give him a big hug from me, and let him know that he did the right thing by telling you.

To Blessed - While I do not agree with some of the things that you posted, I respect the passion that you posted them with. I understand that you were trying to respect the rights of the child, please understand that was what I was also trying to do. I would be happy to discuss the sexuality issue in another thread, if you're willing to post to it. I didn't have time to read the links you, so kindly, provided, and I feel that they would be a good jumping off point for a new, calmer, discussion. It's amazing what stepping away from a heated thread can do for your POV.
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#92 of 115 Old 05-29-2006, 03:08 PM
 
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I posted this last night as well and it was removed...

I think any sane man would not feel comfortable being found in the same room as a 5 yo who is masterbating, especially one who has been downtrodden his whole life. {{{Big Hugs}}} to your brother.

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#93 of 115 Old 05-29-2006, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all very much for all of your responses.. I do appreciate every last one of them!

Thank you for gentling the thread Cynthia.


I will update when i can about anything that happens!

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#94 of 115 Old 05-31-2006, 11:25 PM
 
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This type of behavior is NOT normal. Neither is your friend's reaction when your brothers complained about it. I know you said that you won't send them over there again, but please be careful not to have them (or you or your spouse) alone with this child EVER. A misplaced accusation of sexual abuse isn't unheard of in these cases. I would definitely encourage my friend to seek help for her daughter and, if she continues to shine it on as nothing, then I'd contact the authorities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bewitchedmama
here goes even if you don't want to hear it
that child has been molested

that is not normal masturbatory behavior for a five year old child--to do it in front of older kids, even an adult
that is NOT NORMAL i repeat

being a good citizen, you need to report this to Children's Protective Services it's up to you if you want to tell the mom or not but you can file a complaint anonymously

i work with sexually abused children and this behavior is a HUGE red flag of serious abuse

my two cents take it or leave it
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#95 of 115 Old 05-31-2006, 11:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
...she also may have accidentally seen some porn (happened at my friends daycare. she popped in a video and walked out . . .wrong video!) that no one was willing or had any idea how to address. ...
I'm sorry, Lily, but I'm having difficulty understanding how this happens in a daycare setting. I don't mean to corrupt the thread, but aren't pornagraphic videos kept separately from the children's entertainment videos in a daycare? Is this a licensed facility? Again, sorry for the corruption, but that part of your comment just jumped out at me and has me quite curious.
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#96 of 115 Old 06-01-2006, 12:08 AM
 
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I've finally finished reading the whole thread. Big ups to you Mama2toomany for your gentle, but assertive handling of the whole situation. I believe you did the right thing and for the right reasons. Even if the child isn't being abused, her mom is in obvious need of help. I only pray she finally gets it.
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#97 of 115 Old 06-01-2006, 12:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jael
I'm sorry, Lily, but I'm having difficulty understanding how this happens in a daycare setting. I don't mean to corrupt the thread, but aren't pornagraphic videos kept separately from the children's entertainment videos in a daycare? Is this a licensed facility? Again, sorry for the corruption, but that part of your comment just jumped out at me and has me quite curious.
Acctually, my cousin bought a Telletubbies video a few years ago to show her DC as one of those "I need a break moments" It was in the celophane, brand spanking new VHS tape.

She turned it on, left the room, and her DD ran out to find her and said

"Mummy! Bad things on TV !!! eeww"

She walked back in and it was a porno vid...

So yeah things like this can and do happen.
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#98 of 115 Old 06-01-2006, 04:48 PM
 
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Makes sense, Pandora, and I've heard of that happening before although it's usually a very rare, even newsworthy occurence. I wonder if this is what happened in Lilly's friend's case?
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#99 of 115 Old 06-03-2006, 03:05 PM
 
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I have to agree with bewitchedmama.

I was abused sexually by a baby sitter and an uncle at around the same age. I won't go into detail but I was caught masterbating by my mom at the same age. I was in the living room mindlessly watching tv and just playing with myself not realizing it was not appropriate to do. My mom caught me and asked me what I was doing and why. we had a good relationship so I felt comfortable telling her. At first I thought she was mad at me but then realized her fury was not directed at me. So she hugged me then called the police. I remember being interviewed by a woman who treated me like a baby holding up an anatomically correct doll and asking me questions about what happened. so I just told her in very explicit language (my mom had educated me about sex early on but left out the part about not masterbating in public not realizing it would ever be an issue). I told the investigater precisely what the baby sitter had done and what my uncle had done.

I did not need to go to court because both my molesters plea bargained and both went to prison.

my point is, take it from some one who knows. While it is possible she discovered masterbation on her own, it is more likely that someone showed her and that mother needs to find out who. By the mother's reaction I think she already knows and has chosen to ignore it rather then dealing with it and possibly is even the one abusing the little girl.

calling DCYF or such may or may not do any good because they may not feel that a little girl who masterbates is sufficient evidence of abuse.

I am not a social worker but I would guess that you need to tread carefully here. if it turns out that no abuse is involved the process of investigation could be extremely traumatic for a 5 year old girl. If it turns out she is being abused she needs to be rescued from the situation.
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#100 of 115 Old 06-03-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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I am really sorry about what you went through. That must have been horrible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlexsMom
While it is possible she discovered masterbation on her own, it is more likely that someone showed her and that mother needs to find out who.
This just plain isn't true. 90% of kids discover masturbation on their own. I feel I have to say something because I would hate for all the moms reading this to think, just because their child has been known to mindlessly mastaurbate in front of the tv, this means they were abused. This is very, very common. In fact, a child who has never done this would be in the rare minority.
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#101 of 115 Old 06-03-2006, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlexsMom
I have to agree with bewitchedmama.

I was abused sexually by a baby sitter and an uncle at around the same age. I won't go into detail but I was caught masterbating by my mom at the same age. I was in the living room mindlessly watching tv and just playing with myself not realizing it was not appropriate to do. My mom caught me and asked me what I was doing and why. we had a good relationship so I felt comfortable telling her. At first I thought she was mad at me but then realized her fury was not directed at me. So she hugged me then called the police. I remember being interviewed by a woman who treated me like a baby holding up an anatomically correct doll and asking me questions about what happened. so I just told her in very explicit language (my mom had educated me about sex early on but left out the part about not masterbating in public not realizing it would ever be an issue). I told the investigater precisely what the baby sitter had done and what my uncle had done.

I did not need to go to court because both my molesters plea bargained and both went to prison.

my point is, take it from some one who knows. While it is possible she discovered masterbation on her own, it is more likely that someone showed her and that mother needs to find out who. By the mother's reaction I think she already knows and has chosen to ignore it rather then dealing with it and possibly is even the one abusing the little girl.

calling DCYF or such may or may not do any good because they may not feel that a little girl who masterbates is sufficient evidence of abuse.

I am not a social worker but I would guess that you need to tread carefully here. if it turns out that no abuse is involved the process of investigation could be extremely traumatic for a 5 year old girl. If it turns out she is being abused she needs to be rescued from the situation.
I just wanted to give you a hug

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#102 of 115 Old 06-04-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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I have removed a number of posts from this thread. If members would like to discuss what is normal sexual behaviour in children, then please start a new thread. Please keep this thread on topic. Again.
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#103 of 115 Old 06-05-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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I guess I can't relate to the "discovering masterbation on your own" camp although I'm not saying it couldn't happen. I learned about it in Health Class. Plus my daughter has never done it that I know of, and if so definately not in front of anyone.

There's just so many variables that could have occured with this child that it's hard to say. If I were in the original poster's shoes I would definately be thinking there's something wrong because of the attitude of the child's mother, even though she could be covering up just about anything.

Sorry your brothers were put in this position and hope everything turns out well.
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#104 of 115 Old 06-06-2006, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks!!

My brother is seeing a therapist once a week. He seems to like the Dr. alot. So it is a good thing. I think he used the first visit as a sounding board and to vent and i was proud at him for being so open. Now he is pretty much past the event and talking more about every day life and stuff.

I took him shopping the other day and let him pick out a new sling to baby wear his kitten. He likes that.... he seems pretty much back to normal. But I am glad he has someone other than me to talk to. I like to talk to him but I think it helps for men to talk to men sometimes and maybe that helps him.

Hes a good egg.

CPS came last week and took another statement from him and recorded it with our permission... still no word on if or when anything will be done...

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#105 of 115 Old 06-06-2006, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany
Thanks!!

My brother is seeing a therapist once a week. He seems to like the Dr. alot. So it is a good thing. I think he used the first visit as a sounding board and to vent and i was proud at him for being so open. Now he is pretty much past the event and talking more about every day life and stuff.

I took him shopping the other day and let him pick out a new sling to baby wear his kitten. He likes that.... he seems pretty much back to normal. But I am glad he has someone other than me to talk to. I like to talk to him but I think it helps for men to talk to men sometimes and maybe that helps him.

Hes a good egg.

CPS came last week and took another statement from him and recorded it with our permission... still no word on if or when anything will be done...
I am happy to hear things are going better.
Your brothers are so lucky to have you in their lives.
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#106 of 115 Old 06-06-2006, 05:48 PM
 
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Wow to Mama2tooMany. You are an amazing woman. I was going to say the before I got the part where you told us about your childhood and now I'm amazed and in awe of you. Your friends are richer for having you in their life and I'm blessed to have read your story here. You are such an inspiration for diplomacy and non-judgemental assertive communication.


Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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#107 of 115 Old 06-06-2006, 06:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellien C
Wow to Mama2tooMany. You are an amazing woman. I was going to say the before I got the part where you told us about your childhood and now I'm amazed and in awe of you. Your friends are richer for having you in their life and I'm blessed to have read your story here. You are such an inspiration for diplomacy and non-judgemental assertive communication.

: AMEN to that. Mama2tooMany with every one of your posts I am
more impressed with your compassion and love for your family. I'm sorry
this situation happened. I am sorry that your brother's had this experience.
But I am so grateful for this thread, to hear your story, to learn from it.
I am also glad that your brother has found another person to talk to. It's
always good to have people to talk to.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#108 of 115 Old 06-06-2006, 08:50 PM
 
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I sat here in tears reading about this situation and your life experience. s to you and your brother.
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#109 of 115 Old 06-07-2006, 11:38 AM
 
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I'm just catching up on this thread after being out all last weekend and wanted to let everyone know that a thread on sexual behaviour in children was started in The Childhood Years after the moderator stepped in last time.

Mama2TooMany - I'm glad to hear that your brother is regaining his sense of normalacy. I hope things are settleing out. Good luck to you both.
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#110 of 115 Old 06-07-2006, 01:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow you all honor me so much with your kind words. Thank you everyone.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#111 of 115 Old 06-10-2006, 02:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany
Wow you all honor me so much with your kind words. Thank you everyone.
You are worth every word and more.

I am so sorry for your suffering.
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#112 of 115 Old 06-16-2006, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well one of my close friends who is also a friend of the mother, called me to let me know that some social workers came over to M***'s house to talk to A***** and that was all she knew?

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#113 of 115 Old 06-16-2006, 06:03 PM
 
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It's good to know that at least something is happening, however slowly. Thanks for letting us know, Mama.

Healing thoughts to your brother, too.
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#114 of 115 Old 06-16-2006, 07:11 PM
 
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Thanks for the update.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#115 of 115 Old 06-17-2006, 01:19 PM
 
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mamma2toomany,

I know it was suggested earlier, at least i think it was, to consider getting a restraining order against A*****'s mother as her initial response to you was extremely defensive and threatening. Now that CP has contacted her, I find myself worrying that she might try to make good on those threats.... to kick your ***, or something stupid like that.

Maybe you've already addressed this...... I just wanted to join in the other mommas here with expressing my admiration for your exemplary handling of this situation. My hat is off to you, mamma2toomany, and to your brother.

Warmest regards,
anj119
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