daughter moved out, now feels rejected - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 67 Old 05-24-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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Food for thought on the vulgar words/ grafitti issue. Parents becoming upset and causing drama over removing such expressions gives power to the behavior. A parent who sees the vulgarity and shrugs it off is showing that those words do not have the power to shock. (It's analagous to the martial art of Akido in which one gives in rather than resists an opponent.) Also, if my teenager were to ever feel the need to express things of that nature, I'd rather see them do it within the four walls of my own home than with a spray can on public property.
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#62 of 67 Old 05-24-2006, 10:35 PM
 
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the girl was asked to pack and move her stuff to the basement and she didn't. I think the only thing you could have done differently is tell your daughter that you had plans on using the room.
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#63 of 67 Old 05-25-2006, 07:49 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
Food for thought on the vulgar words/ grafitti issue.
One person's vulgarity is another's plain speaking. That's not the problem in my eyes: It was racist grafitti.

And ignoring racism wherever it rears its head is not going to make it go away. It gives it space to feel smug and entitled.
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#64 of 67 Old 05-25-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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Ciarra....here is some input from another mother of a 18 soon to be 19 year old ds. You did nothing wrong. You asked her to move posters that you did not feel good about before she left. She was the one who refused to respect you by ignoring your wishes.
You have the right to expect respect and to feel comfortable with the stuff that is in your home. Your home is your safe haven and if there is something that you are not comfortable with or something that is giving out negative energy you have every right to take it down. You did not destroy it...your dd is the one who has decided to move out and you have told her that you are always welcome back.
You seem to me like a wonderful mother. As you can see from my posts , i am far from a regular here...but every once i have a strong urge to speak my mind. I feel so bad for the harsh judgemental posts toward your decision. You did nothing wrong...please don't feel any guilt. I understand.
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#65 of 67 Old 05-27-2006, 05:05 PM
 
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Whew... so many opinions that see saw back and forth on this subject.

IMO I would say that depending on how long she was gone, maybe it was a little fast but maybe talking about it is the answer. It is YOUR house so you should be able to decorate how you want but understand her feelings that for 18 years, that was her space, her sanctuary where she could get away from life, her special place that she could decorate and express herself away from the rest of the family. I may not be happy with the things my children have done with their rooms but unless there is destruction of property, I consider it their territory and just shut the door. Was there a reason maybe that you felt the need to redecorate right away, was it maybe your way of dealing with her being gone? If it was discuss that with her, show her you still love her but express that it was hard for her to go and that was how you dealt with it. If it had nothing to do with that then explain what made you choose to do that. Also stress she is always welcome in your home (if she is) and no matter the color of paint that it will always be her room.
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#66 of 67 Old 10-06-2006, 04:50 PM
 
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my 18 yo decided to try and move out a month or so after she turned 18 she was still in hs so moved in with her aunt. she was back home within a month or so. i did let her sister take her room when she moved out as two of my kids were sharing a room at the time so when she moved back she had to share a room with the youngest but it did not seem to bother her at all. most of her stuff was at the house still, just packed away. when she moved back in we just unpacked into the room she would now be in. and she has been fine ever since. so maybe if you just explain that she is always welcome and that she is always wanted then maybe it would take the sting out of her anger. if she moves back just explain that she can not change the wall coloring as the house is either on the market or will be soon. i assume you would have painted over the walls even if she had been living at home when the decision was made to sale the house. i think that is resonable and fair and if she does not maybe she just needs a little time to adjust. anytime you are dealing with a child this age it can turn difficult try and connect with her and keep things on a loving note. my own child decided to move out because she thought she did not need rules and mom tending to her but found quickly that she still wanted to be a kid at least for a little while longer.

good luck no matter what you decide to do.

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#67 of 67 Old 10-09-2006, 03:59 PM
 
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I guess I see it a little differently. I shared a room with my little sister for 15 years, so I guess I never really felt like it was "my" room. I had posters, pictures and all that stuff, but it was never my space. Not really.

When I moved out I couldn't have cared less what my sister did to the room. I was so ready for my OWN house that it didn't even cross my mind that she might change it. I took all my stuff with me when I went, and boy was I ready to get out! When I came back on weekends, I was a guest (my own thoughts) because I had my own place with my own stuff and I was just visiting.

Different strokes, I guess.
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