my 13 year old daughter has a boyfriend. ~or~ aaaaaaaaaaah! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 03-04-2003, 09:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Chelsey has her first boyfriend. His name is Andrew (Andy) and he's in her 4th period band class. He's been walking her to classes, carrying her books (?) and walking her to her bus. At the school dance (after school from 2:30-4:30pm) , he asked her to slow dance. then he asked her to be his boyfriend.
She said yes.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I mean, I don't think she's old enough for a boyfriend. I don't want to say "no, you can't have a boyfriend". what does having a boyfriend mean to her? They walk together (they're not allowed to hold hands in school, or kiss or anything like that). They talk on the phone. He gave her a chocolate rose the other day and today a cheapo ring of his to wear. He is very polite on the phone when he asks for her. (dh is happy he's in band...says that means he's probably a good kid..you know a band geek like our Chelsey)

i'm at a loss. She's smiling tons, he told her he thinks she's very pretty..she's so happy. She's not asking to go out on a date or anything.

this is so hard. Parenting gets HARDER as they get older. Chelsey is a good kid. I trust her. Ah...but do i trust him? I don't know him! I asked her about having him over and she said "not yet". Did i mention I think she's too young to have a boyfriend?!?!?!

dh is in crisis mode.
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#2 of 15 Old 03-04-2003, 10:53 PM
 
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My girls are now 14 and 16. We they first told me they were "going out"with some boy, I wanted to say, "where are you going." But I didn't. I tried to remember how I felt when I was 13 and I thought Iwas grown up and pretty damn cool!

I also rememebr thinking they were not old enough. Then I figured that at 13 the most they were going to do was talk to them on the phone 15 times a day and hang out with their "boyfirend" every once in awhile.
13 is a good age to try out your "wings" and start seeing how it is to be teengager. I have found that "going out" at this age is usually short lived, 3-4 weeks max!! This time next month she will most likely be "going out" with someone else.

I know as a mom how scary it can be!! But trust in yourself that you have and are raising a great kid. She will be just fine and so will you.

Welcome to the world of parenting a teen!!!
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#3 of 15 Old 03-05-2003, 01:36 PM
 
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I think you have nothing to worry about. "Having a boyfriend" seems to be pretty innocuous for her at this stage. If you treat it as more than it is, she'll only get defensive, and rightly so.

Now's the time to think ahead about what you will allow when in terms of dating and being alone with a boyfriend. Then you'll be prepared when she asks. For example, you might say, "You can go to a movie with him, but only if we come too. You don't have to sit with us." (This was my uncle's decision when his 12-year-old wanted to go on a date. She was happy with it.)

Talk w/DH about why he is "in crisis mode". What exactly is it that he is worried about? How can he and Chelsey address his concerns?
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#4 of 15 Old 03-05-2003, 01:59 PM
 
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My 13yo also had a boyfriend. In fact, she also has several neighbor boys (weren't they just little boys like last year?!) that hang around on a regular basis. I used to be the Kool-aid mom, now it seems I'm the hott daughter mom. !

Anyway, it seems to be pretty innocuous. They talk on the phone alot, they IM on the computer a lot (don't try to call my house after 3pm!)

I also second setting the "dating" rules. In our house you can go to the movies with a group of friends that includes your boyfriend but not with him alone. No boys in the house if I'm not home, but boys can come in if I'm here (I like to know where everyone is) No boys in your room, not even with the door open and your sister in there with you.

My oldest dd is married now. You really do live through it. You just never quite get over it.

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible---St. Francis of Assisi
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#5 of 15 Old 03-07-2003, 12:43 AM
 
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Hey Barb!
We've gone through a little of that too. (Oh, and we did say "Where are you going?" ROFLOL)
After a few experiences with guys (one actually told Ashton "You just don't do anything for me!" when I wouldn't let her go out for real with him), my teen age dds have taken to making friends with boys more of a priority now. I tell them the best friends I ever had were boys.
Now my tweens, they are in that "Going out" stage. Drives me crazy. I pretty much ignore it though - they aren't allowed to sit on the phone for hours (with six kids we just can't let them do that lol), so they just see each other at school.

We are raising our children with True Love Waits values - two of them took the challenge last month, the older two took it a couple of years ago.

I am glad Chelsey is getting this boost though - it is probably great for her self esteem! She has come a long way in the last year !
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#6 of 15 Old 03-11-2003, 06:03 AM
 
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OK, you can laugh at me when it is my turn to go through this and you remind me that it is no big deal! My friends who have kids going through this now (IRL) tell me I will change my tune when it is MY baby girl.... but don't you remember how much fun this was? When that big smile on her face was the big smile on YOUR face? When just hearing the phone ring could make your heart jump? What she is going through now is such a fun, wonderful time - don't mar it with stress or worry.

And since you really can't do anything about him walking her to classes, carrying her books, walking her to the bus, why try? I kind of believe in the trust 'em (your child - you don't need to trust anyone else's if you trust yours) until they give you a reason not to. In my experience, the kids who were expected to make smart choices and given the freedom to do so, actually did! The kids whose parents expected the worst, accused of the worst before it ever happened, kept an overly tight control on where they could go when and with whom, etc. ended up with kids who went ahead and did those things since they were practically getting in trouble for it beforehand.

When I was 13, I was in 8th grade and school dances were at night. There were chaperones and it was all mild but we did slow dance. I don't want to scare you with what was done by some kids that age (and this is 20 years ago...) but everything you describe (even wanting to go to the movies or somewhere on a "date") seems pretty mild to me. But you have to do what is comfortable for you. Do you and dd have a good communication about sex? Does she know what it means (physically and emotionally) to make those decisions (not just the big decision but all the little ones that come before it)? Could she get birth control (not trying to freak you out but just looking down the road - WAY down the road) without you if she needed it? I can appreciate how hard it gets but hormones rage in teenagers whether the parents are ready or not (how can you ever really be ready??) and anyone who thinks they can fight "love" doesn't remember being a teenager IMO...

And my dh will be in crisis mode too - I am sure. Ours are only 6 and 2 and already he talks about cleaning his guns in the living room when the boys come to pick up our daughters for dates.... I claim I will be cool as a cucumber about our girls dating but I'm sure I'll freak when the time comes. I just talk big!
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#7 of 15 Old 10-27-2013, 08:31 AM
 
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I'll admit that I often laugh when I hear a parent say "Oh, I'm SO glad she's seeing a BAND KID/NERD/GEEK! They're such GOOD kids!" Of course they are. BUT.... they are not all that different than other kids! They have the same wants, desires, needs. Really, they do. 

 

Ask a band kid if they would borrow someone else's band blanket. I can guarantee you that the answer would be along the lines of "EEWW NO!" What do you think happens on/under those blankets? 

 

My daughter (I'm sure I've told this story before) went to nerd HS. No, really - science/math. And yes, they got up to all kinds of shenanigans. Drinking, drugs, sex. On the bus. At home. At parties. And all of them were "good" kids. And really - they all ARE good kids. 

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#8 of 15 Old 10-27-2013, 09:47 AM
 
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Had to chime in here with my 2 cents so to speak... I met my DH when I was 14. Yes! We ended up married with 2 children now! At the time I was practically living with him at 16 and we moved out together before I was even out of high school, though it was a back house studio behind my parents house. He's 2 years older and graduated HS when I was 16. My parents were somewhat cool with it as were his, but IMHO if it were my child I don't think I'd allow ANY kind of relationship like that. I'm still shocked we got away with it. We were also having sex then and no one bothered to talk to me about pregnancy.

I think when the time comes I'll be a lot more strict then either of my parents were because I feel like 13-14-15 is a challenging age really young for boyfriends and such. But I can only say how I feel now with a beautiful little almost-4yo and another sweet 2mo old little lady. I feel like I'll be beating the boys off with a stick. lol.gif

Band geeks are just as sexually active (maybe more because of the time they spend together practicing) as anyone else from my experience, and I'd really be cautious about what she does with him exactly.

But this is due to MY experience as a 13 year old going on 20. lol.gif

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#9 of 15 Old 10-27-2013, 01:19 PM
 
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Ah, 13. I remember going to a dance at 13. I slow danced with a boy that asked me to be his girlfriend. A week later he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, I grossed out, broke up with him and refused to date anyone else until 16 lol. My own daughter stayed out of that scene until 16 and my current 13-year-old isn't ready but I'd try not to worry. It's not likely to last long. At this age, the average relationship is between 1 to 4 weeks. Very few last. Set your rules. Let the boy go on a few family outings if she asks but sticking with supervised outings are perfectly reasonable at this age. Set phone and online rules too. Watch for late night texting or facebooking if she's on facebook. Otherwise, try not to give it more weight that it deserves.


Married mom of two, DD 17 and DS 13.
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#10 of 15 Old 03-24-2014, 08:54 AM
 
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I see that I'm reviving an old thread, and I haven't been on this forum in a long time, but this is suddenly relevant to us. My 13-year-old daughter has had a boyfriend since just before Christmas. I fully expected it to fizzle out before Valentine's Day but it didn't. I allowed her to go to a movie (the Lego movie) on Valentine's Day with a group, including 10-year-old younger siblings to spoil any fun they may hope to have and so it wouldn't be a "date." The boyfriend seems like a pretty good kid, but they are not following phone curfew and I think they are starting to get a little more serious than I would prefer for their age. I really want her to be smart about this. UGH! I lost about 1,000 cool points when she turned 13 back in December and I checked the polls recently and my approval rating has steadily declined over that period as well, so I suppose anything I have to say will be immediately ignored. I'm thinking about calling in reinforcements by activating the "big girl" brigade. I have some friends with older (read cooler) kids who may be able to speak some words of wisdom. It may be better received if it comes from them. I know this first boyfriend thing is big and special, but it is also, more often than not, temporary. Someone please talk me off my ledge. Tell me she's a smart girl and she will make good choices if I give her the room to make them. 

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#11 of 15 Old 04-15-2014, 02:51 PM
 
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Why is it you do not let them go to the movies alone?

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#12 of 15 Old 04-15-2014, 05:18 PM
 
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I'm a teenager and have teenages sisters, so speaking personally I am pretty much the 'leader' being oldest of them all and therefore carry a LOT of responsibility to them. This is because our adoptive mother is seriously ill, my family having respite care while she's in good nursing care in a hospice. These last few weeks have been very tough for all of us teen girls, but my sisters have had boyfriends and all been very well behaved. Maybe my family is in the minority, but we keep very much to ourselves and I for one have no friends outside my family because of personal choice.

 

My background experience tells me that providing your daughter is made well aware that underage sex is illegal and that her boyfriend respects her as well as respects your wishes. Looking back at how I was at 13, I was an unruly rebellious young teen. But now things have been very different, for I have taken on a lot for someone my age, notwithstanding I'm a mummy.

 

Two of my sisters bring home their boyfriends. Both guys are very polite, clean cut and well dressed. My house rules in mum Rachel's absence means NO bedroom doors are closed! The doors remain open, propped open and they stay open. Communications between them and me have always been open, friendly, understanding and very respectful: I'm in charge when our aunt is otherwise busy, and I will give out punishment (grounding and removal of privilges)  if my wishes are disrespected. So far, not.

 

Commenting here about going to the movies. As all films are watched in the dark of the auditorium, there is little doubt that quite a lot of kissing gets done between teenagers and probably a great deal of fumbling. xD So what? It's no big deal. And all the films are PG-rated, so teens over here in the UK have to show ID as to their age. Underage film watching, and they're shown the door. So I don't see why they can't go to the movies providing they come back at the time expected.

 

I loved my boyfriend to bits. he was the father of my child; alas, he died. Okay we went in for underage sex and Juniper is my beloved most adored child I shall ever have. I remember my first and only love with a fondness that still brings tears to my face. For such is young love, tender and sweet. All I can say is you're Mum, you're in charge but don't break your daughter's heart with undue hardness.

 

Alex :)

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#13 of 15 Old 04-19-2014, 08:51 AM
 
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I am a 13 years old,just like your daughter..(don't ask why I am on this website,I was looking for advise for me and I saw your statement)

I have a 'boyfriend' too

At first my mum didn't seem to up for it,which I was expecting,she told me I was to young and that I will only get upset.

We have now been going out for 7 months. When we had been going out for 4 months my mum realised that maybe it wasn't a 'childish relationship' and she invited him round to get to know him.

Now she trusts us both and knows that we both understand that we are only very young.

Maybe you should ask her more about him,then she will open up to you more about not just him but everything like what she's thinking or how she feels about certain things,she will probably like opening up to you as well (I know I would like to tell my mum everything )
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#14 of 15 Old 04-19-2014, 04:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Private13xxx View Post

I am a 13 years old,just like your daughter..(don't ask why I am on this website,I was looking for advise for me and I saw your statement)

I have a 'boyfriend' too

At first my mum didn't seem to up for it,which I was expecting,she told me I was to young and that I will only get upset.

We have now been going out for 7 months. When we had been going out for 4 months my mum realised that maybe it wasn't a 'childish relationship' and she invited him round to get to know him.

Now she trusts us both and knows that we both understand that we are only very young.

Maybe you should ask her more about him,then she will open up to you more about not just him but everything like what she's thinking or how she feels about certain things,she will probably like opening up to you as well (I know I would like to tell my mum everything )

 

Hello :) First of all, welcome to our community.

 

I congratulate you on your courage to post, and, have the conviction in your belief that a lasting relationship is possible, for there are many who would disagree: Most 13 year olds don't have relationships that last very long, so you have done well so far.

 

Your mother I think is very loving, though concerned as any mother would be for your welfare. Take time to listen to her just as I did to my beloved foster mother Rachel who took me to be own when I was 13, motherless, scared and pregnant. Always be honest with your mum and obey her, for that only is the best way forward. Take one day at a time; it's tough being a young teen, believe me.

 

If you want to contact me by PM, you are very welcome to, but please ask your mum first. I would be only too pleased to offer you any advice and the same goes to your mum.

 

Happy Easter to you!  :)

 

Alex

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#15 of 15 Old 04-21-2014, 06:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsonm3 View Post

Why is it you do not let them go to the movies alone?
I think 13 is too young to date. I want her to have something to look forward to. I think doing things in a group of friends is more age appropriate. I want her to have normal, age-appropriate experiences, but it needs to happen gradually.
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