Sex Before Marraige... Mamabug told me to repost here.... - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 158 Old 08-20-2006, 02:59 AM
 
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Gee, you could cut the heterosexism in here with a knife. Thank you to those of you who acknowledged that none of us know the sexual orientations of our children, that not everyone can legally marry before or after becoming sexually active, and that sex before committing to a partner can help a person decide if the person is a good fit for them. Seriously folks, do you honestly not think that your children could grow up and be of a sexual orientation other than your own?

Oh, and comparing sex without love to taking a pee? I just don't get it?
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#152 of 158 Old 08-20-2006, 03:34 AM
 
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Peeing is "taking care of business," and so is sex without love.

fambedsingle2.gif Heather, 25, single mom to Corbin, 5, and Orin, 3  uc.jpg  delayedvax.gif  nocirc.gif
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#153 of 158 Old 08-21-2006, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I get the peeing analogy.


wow, as for the heterosexual comments.


I started the post off being sexually ambiguous intentionally. And I am also hoping that by the time my kids are old enough to marry, gay lesbian and transgendered couples won't have issues getting married if they choose.


But just like hetero couples, not all gay/lesbian couples even WANT to get married. So the question was posted to the PARENTS of the children to ask what their stance on this is.


Don't know. I just don't get labeling this thread as primarily hetero is relevant. If you wish to bring up gay/lesbian issues feel free! it is MORE than welcome.


But remember, we are talking about people who are being born today and won't be having sex for about 15 years, alot can change in a decade.

Partner to :Jessica(??) papa to Jake(7) and : Kaiya (2)
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#154 of 158 Old 08-22-2006, 12:11 AM
 
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Both my dh and I are in total agreement about this topic, and have been since before we were married or had munchkins. I want my kids to wait, not for marriage, but for their own readiness. If he (I have all boys lol) really feels strongly about the person (of either sex), and they feel the same, than that is his decision. But the 'test' I was told as a teen, and I think it still works, is if you do this today, will you be able to talk about it tomorrow. If you aren't comfortable talking to the person about sex, you probably should spend more time getting comfortable. Neither my dh or I waited, he had more partners than I, something we both wish to change, I little more balanced would be ok with both of us. In fact, we were together through my teens, from 15 years on. He was my second, though first that was enjoyable. And I still had very little confidence about my sexuality until ironically, a period of time where we had broken up, and I dated an ex. I learned more about myself then I had before, which ended up being great in the long run. I have already shared some info with my oldest, but since he has shown absolutely no interest and doesn't seem to listen to it, I'm assuming he isn't ready, but he'll have the info when he is and knows he can talk to me. We also aren't pushing college. If it happens to be needed for what he wants, fine, but if not thats ok too. Neither of us have a degree, and yet do very good jobs. My dh is a baker, which makes better money than I ever suspected, and when I work out of the home, I do accounting, with out a degree, and make enough also. So college isn't necissary to support a family.

I did deal with the issues mentioned about teen love. His family was great, they encouraged us, in EVERY way. They considered me the best thing to happen to him (I agree ). My family didn't support us. He was 18, I was 15. Even after my dad liked him, he still was unsure I should be dating at all. My mom just wanted me to date around, not to be serious so young. To this day, he resents some of her judging, that we were to young to know our feelings, that we couldn't really be in love, just lust, on and on. But we moved in together the day after my 18th birthday, started planning a big expensive wedding, then moved it to a small quiet (pregnant) wedding a few years later. And this month it's been 15 years, so guess we knew our selves pretty well.

What always gets me is the assumption that you have to wait to get married till you are finacialy set.I can see waiting on kids, heck, life would have been much easier if that had waited. But why not be married? (if you practice such) Or if not so much the married, but why not settle down? If we'd never had kids, I'd still want to be monogamous with my hubby, and not 'later' when we had money.

The only thing I really regret about my own history is my lack of comfort. Both of us had esteem issues (not sex specific, just completely low self esteem). And though my mom was very open about options for birthcontrol, I learned about diseases at planned parenthood. And didn't learn to be comfortable with my own sexuality really until the last 10 years, and I am glad to have shared that learning with dh, learned together was very good for our marriage, but it wouldn't have been bad to start the relationship closer to that point.
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#155 of 158 Old 09-02-2006, 10:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eightyferrettoes
I can't really place a value on virginity, myself, and don't see it as a "gift" to anyone.

My understanding is that virginity-before-the-wedding-night was valued primarily because it ensured that a girl wouldn't already be pregnant with another man's kid when an old dude had paid her father handsomely to marry her and own her fertility.

I think that background gives rise to our cultural ideas about how girls only have sex to seek "approval" or "love in the wrong places" and definitely shapes our vocabulary about how premarital sex "devalues" a woman.
and:
Quote:
Originally Posted by eightyferrettoes
It wasn't a matter of stifling sexuality for years on end for the sake of spiritual purity or moral fulfillment, as we seem to interpret it now, and it wasn't a matter of rules for rules' sake-- it was a matter of maintaining property values in a world that considered female virginity prime real estate. LOL.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Selu
I don't place much worth on viriginity, as it's a pretty heterosexist and heteronormative concept.


I couldn't make any of these points better than you mamas have, and I am not foolhardy enough to try.

This has turned out to be one of the best, most thought-provoking threads I've seen on MDC in a very long time.

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#156 of 158 Old 09-02-2006, 10:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn38
At our dc's elementary school, they teach sex ed in the 5th grade.:
Are you irked because you feel that they are starting too late, or too early?

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#157 of 158 Old 09-03-2006, 12:11 PM
 
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I have talked with my kids about sex being like eating. Food doesn't taste very good when you aren't hungry. You are the ONLY judge of your own appetite. Just as I would never force someone (including myself) to eat when they are not hungry, no one should ever push you to participate in sex. Most everyone will want to have sex at some point in their lives; some older, some younger. Your choice. Safety in sexuality is like making healthy choices in eating - we all need to learn what to do, how to do it responsibly.

To continue the analogy, there are many different foods out there. Just as some people prefer vegetarian versus meat, or spicey versus bland, people are attracted to different partners. Man or woman, safe or adventurous, few or many - there are many possiblities for relationships.

At the risk of stretching the food analogy past the breaking point, I liken casual vs. committed sexual relationships to the difference between a fast food burger and a steak dinner in a fine resturaunt. One can plan for, and savor a great meal, candlelit,with a fine wine. But sometimes some people enjoy a guick greasy cheeseburger. Perhaps not best for a steady, lifetime diet, but not a moral failing. It's OK to have fun!

I could ramble on, but all this talk of food has made me hungry. I'll go have breakfast now: toast with avacado and salsa. Vegetarian and spicey - draw your own conclusions!

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#158 of 158 Old 09-04-2006, 12:18 AM
 
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Mmarhu, so where would a buffet fit in :

I have to say, I'm glad I found this thread. Though my own opinions are still as posted, it has been great food for thought and I think will stay in the back of my mind as my boys mature.

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