Sex Before Marraige... Mamabug told me to repost here.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 01:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mamabug said to repost here, I thought I would give everyone the chance to post on this. Seeing as it was TAO to start which not everyone can see. Mamabug said to repost it here.


Ok, now, I ask you to step out of yourself and not look at this through ONLY the eyes of a parent, but as someone who makes choices for themselves too.



Teens today start experiamenting with sex fairly early. In fact to say 15 would probably be later than the truth.


So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex? Would you try to 'help' them make that decision? Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin. How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'. (you can put your own explanations here, please feel free to)


Or would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him? Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves. How 'no means no' and all that education bit. About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical. (you can also put your explanations here, please feel free to)



What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?


Please give as much detail as possible. I'd like to hear from both sides.

thanks.

Partner to :Jessica(??) papa to Jake(7) and : Kaiya (2)
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#2 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 02:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Ok, now, I ask you to step out of yourself and not look at this through ONLY the eyes of a parent, but as someone who makes choices for themselves too.
Okay
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Teens today start experiamenting with sex fairly early. In fact to say 15 would probably be later than the truth.
Sad but true. I have younger siblings that are currenlt teens and waaay more promiscuous than I was.
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex?
No!!!!!!!
I have had way more partners than my Dh and I wish he had brought a bit more experience into the relationship. Ah well, he knows a lot more about other grown=up things, like home ownership and the stock market.
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Would you try to 'help' them make that decision?
Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin. How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'. (you can put your own explanations here, please feel free to)
Seeing as we are atheists, I don't feel that sex outside of marriage is a big deal. I really don't think virginity is a "gift" as much as a state of mind. They may never choose (or be legally allowed) to marry and that is their choice. Sex, however is a biological drive that, at some point, needs to be fullfilled by most people.

Which leads to....
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Or would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him? Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves. How 'no means no' and all that education bit. About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical. (you can also put your explanations here, please feel free to)
We already talk about sex as a choice that is best made by people who are grown enough to handle the potential repercussions.
I feel like I had sex to early (16) I would have liked it to be 18 or so, but i was in looooove and had been dating my boyfriend for a high-school eternity (9 months.) I was on the pill to "regulate my periods" as far as my fundamentalist g-parents knew. I would not reccomend that particular BC method for a teen girl.
I will leave the door open and try to be approachable about fertility control. I will stress the importance of having a partner that RESPECTS you and having enough self-respect to say no to everyone else.

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Originally Posted by Yoshua
What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?
Well, that is a great thing about homeschooling, they can avoid the peer-pressure and hallways packed with hormones, for the most part. I am assuming that this will mean that my children start developing interest, not because "everyone else is doing it" but because they have formed a real bond with another human being.
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Please give as much detail as possible. I'd like to hear from both sides.
Anymore questions? We just entered the double digits`round here, so these things may start to come up in conversation a bit more.

Mom to three 14 y.o. rock star grrl, 5 y.o. knight in spazzy armour and baby Juniper, born still @39 weeks 4 days 2-3-10 .
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#3 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 03:34 AM
 
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We do not really encourage waiting for marriage. If they do that's fine, but it's certainly not seen as proper or necessary in our family. There is no issue at all if one or both of them has relationships with people of the same gender. (Ds has indicated that he is straight, and Dd leans bisexual at this point in her life.)

We focus on personal safety, making your own decisions, surrounding yourself with good trustworthy people, understanding birth control options, etc. They know they can come to me about anything at all. I have shared my views on sex with them, and many of my personal experiences (I was very young when I had them, and it was not easy.) I share my personal feelings regarding casual sex, and why it's not my thing. I share that they deserve to be respected and safe.

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#4 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 05:20 AM
 
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I can't really place a value on virginity, myself, and don't see it as a "gift" to anyone.

My understanding is that virginity-before-the-wedding-night was valued primarily because it ensured that a girl wouldn't already be pregnant with another man's kid when an old dude had paid her father handsomely to marry her and own her fertility.

I think that background gives rise to our cultural ideas about how girls only have sex to seek "approval" or "love in the wrong places" and definitely shapes our vocabulary about how premarital sex "devalues" a woman.

Seems to me like anything with a foundation that flawed isn't going to improve no matter how much flowery rhetoric you surround it with. I don't think any amount of sex "devalues" anyone.

I plan to tell my kids about birth control options, and especially about STD transmission. When I was a kid, not much was said about sex aside from, "you don't wanna get pregnant" when that's really NOT the worst thing that can come of unprotected sex.

One thing I want to emphasize that you CAN say "no," even if you've already had sex with a person once or a dozen or a hundred times... nobody is obligated to have sex if they don't feel like it. And "I don't feel like it" is a perfectly acceptable reason.

I remember, at 18, feeling like I was "supposed to" keep having sex with my "boyfriend" after a single episode of totally mediocre sex, in spite of the fact that I didn't like him much at all and that he was really lousy in the sack.

I kept wondering how to be rid of the schmuck, all the while we were GIO. If I knew then what I know now...

Really, the only sexual episodes I regret are those few that I felt "obligated" to do.

And I wouldn't mind in the slightest if either of my kids were attracted to members of the same sex, though I do wonder whether I'd be astute enough to realize it without needing to be bludgeoned over the head with that information.
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#5 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 10:12 AM
 
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I found out a few days ago that the elementary school here will be teaching some form of (basic?) sex education in my daughter's 6th grade class this coming year. This has prompted me to consider talking with them in detail about such things before someone else does...which I don't aprove of.

As far as sex before marriage specficially, I don't have a problem with that. Me and my hubby did it and if they wanted to, we'd definitely encourage care, sensibility, etc...

Blessings,
April
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#6 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 11:51 AM
 
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Sex before marriage... Well, I can't tell my kiddos to wait...I've been with DP for many years and we have still have not gotten "married". The thought of a piece of paper from the goverment telling us were "legal" kinda bites my a$$. (but that's another topic, sorry)
My dd1 just turned 12, we have had sex talks. I do tell her pg is NOT the only thing you have to worry about. There are many STDs out there that don't show up for years. (then you wonder where/who you got it from).
My hope for my children is they make smart safe choices. I also want to make them feel thay can come to me or their father and ask anything they need.
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#7 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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I usually lurk but this is a very relevant topic. As a mom of two girls 18 and 15, i've been through this already. I've discussed how sex can be a wonderful experience when shared with a loving committed partner. I neither encouraged or discouraged my girls from having sex, just that i was there to guide them and support them as they needed it. My oldest has been active for quite a while and my youngest for a year now, however both girls are still with their first boyfriends and both have very healthy emotional and physical relationships. Although if i had my wishes, i'd have wanted my girls to wait till they were a bit older, but i think all teens mature at different points, and I have been supportive of their choices. Both of my girls are happy, healthy and well adjusted young women and both have been on birth control since the beginning. I think sex is a normal part of growing up and I never wanted my girls to think there was a stigma attached to it or that they had to wait until they had a legal document. So i just wanted to share my opinion, and by the way, both girls do sleep over at their bf's houses or the bf's will sleep here on occasion, and we all respect each others privacy. That's my input and I'll go back to lurking lol.
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#8 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 03:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AprilDaisy
I found out a few days ago that the elementary school here will be teaching some form of (basic?) sex education in my daughter's 6th grade class this coming year.
Side note...there's no telling how basic it will be. DS1 just had his school sex-ed this year (7th grade). It included a childbirth video.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#9 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 03:56 PM
 
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What unschoolinma said except we don't have a son and dd hasn't ID herself. But yeah on no need to wait for marriage and emphasis on no doing anything you don't want to do. Just like in other areas of her life.
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#10 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 04:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
Teens today start experiamenting with sex fairly early. In fact to say 15 would probably be later than the truth.
Not just today. It's been happening for a while, LOL. I attest to it happening 20years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua
So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex? Would you try to 'help' them make that decision? Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin. How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'. (you can put your own explanations here, please feel free to)
No, because I do not believe that.

Especialy the part "giving themselves and devaluating themselves". I believe that sex is a two way street - both give and both take. And I do not believe that just because somebody does not have intact hymen (which, BTW, many girls/woman don't have without ever having sex) devaluates them in any shape or form

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua
Or would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him? Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves. How 'no means no' and all that education bit. About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical. (you can also put your explanations here, please feel free to)
Yes. You covered all I could think about in this choice , except I not only "would", but already "have" once


Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua
What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?
Nothing other than providing information and advice if asked for. Kinda the same things I would do when they start to show interest in anything else - math, sports, etc.,

Interst in opposite (or the same) sex is natural, normal, expected, not scary, not shameful thing. I welcome that as yet another step in human development that I am priviledged to observe and support.

As to the "WHY" portion I don't really know how to answer it, honestly... WHY would I do anything otherwise?
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#11 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 04:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Free Spirited Mom
I usually lurk but this is a very relevant topic. As a mom of two girls 18 and 15, i've been through this already. I've discussed how sex can be a wonderful experience when shared with a loving committed partner. I neither encouraged or discouraged my girls from having sex, just that i was there to guide them and support them as they needed it. My oldest has been active for quite a while and my youngest for a year now, however both girls are still with their first boyfriends and both have very healthy emotional and physical relationships. Although if i had my wishes, i'd have wanted my girls to wait till they were a bit older, but i think all teens mature at different points, and I have been supportive of their choices. Both of my girls are happy, healthy and well adjusted young women and both have been on birth control since the beginning. I think sex is a normal part of growing up and I never wanted my girls to think there was a stigma attached to it or that they had to wait until they had a legal document. So i just wanted to share my opinion, and by the way, both girls do sleep over at their bf's houses or the bf's will sleep here on occasion, and we all respect each others privacy. That's my input and I'll go back to lurking lol.
Hey, don't go back to lurking! I need more posters whom I agree with
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#12 of 158 Old 07-14-2006, 07:02 PM
 
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Side note...there's no telling how basic it will be. DS1 just had his school sex-ed this year (7th grade). It included a childbirth video.
I realize this...which is why I'm going to have the talk with the kids... Cause, now...you never know what others feel the need to tell your children...
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#13 of 158 Old 07-19-2006, 01:05 PM
 
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So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex? Would you try to 'help' them make that decision? Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin. How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'. (you can put your own explanations here, please feel free to)

No. Marriage, to me, is the coming together of two people who are adults, who have grown into their own skins and so, knowing themselves totally are able to give of themselves to others. For me,a big part of the process of knowing myself and growing into my own skin was experimenting sexually.
There is a difference between having sex before marriage and having sex with "whoever comes by" though- I don't see any need for such black and white terms.
It's not my decision to make- I'm trusting that I will have raised three great, loving children who can set their own value on marriage, on their virginity, on themselves and not be dictated to by someone else: not even me. I want my kids to be true to themselves first and foremost.

Or would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him? Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves. How 'no means no' and all that education bit. About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical. (you can also put your explanations here, please feel free to)

Yep, pretty much, except that "no means no" isn't all that education bit. No means no is a pretty fundamental tenet nowadays.
My kids come to family planning appointments with me- though I'm starting to let them off now that they are 100% confident that you can walk in and ask for condoms and they'll give them to you, even if you're underage, even if you're a bloke, even if...you get the picture.

What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?

Sit down, have a cup of tea, cross my fingers and buy a large box of tissues. First love hurts, ime. Then be around to pick up the pieces.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#14 of 158 Old 07-19-2006, 11:24 PM
 
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IMO and just IMO i dont think the school should be teaching sex ed....i know there are pros and cons for both sides but...i sure as heck dont want my 6th grader watching child birth with his buddies then going to the playground... not to mention who really knows what the 'teacher' is teaching and how much of that is her/his beliefs..

i went to PS for 5-12th grade had 'sex ed' in 5th and 10th grade... didnt learn much that was helpful or correct...

when and IF my kids ever go to school they will be sitting out that class..
the more and more i think about it... if my kids ever go to public school.. it would be a Catholic school for a number of reasons... this topic being a MAIN one...

sex is NOT ok... intercourse/anal/oral... none is OK... there are so many other things to focus on during the teen years.. why add to the drama?

as i posted on a different message... yes we are very open with sexuality in the home... being nekkid is no big deal... however being very close friends with someone and beign a sex parter are totally different...

just my opinion...
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#15 of 158 Old 07-19-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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I found out a few days ago that the elementary school here will be teaching some form of (basic?) sex education in my daughter's 6th grade class this coming year. This has prompted me to consider talking with them in detail about such things before someone else does...which I don't aprove of.

At our dc's elementary school, they teach sex ed in the 5th grade.:
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#16 of 158 Old 07-20-2006, 12:15 AM
 
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when and IF my kids ever go to school they will be sitting out that class..
the more and more i think about it... if my kids ever go to public school.. it would be a Catholic school for a number of reasons... this topic being a MAIN one...
My older kids both attend Catholic school, and dd had "family life" class in 5th grade. It was definitely sex ed, with a lot more info than I had been ready for! It did open up good conversation, though.
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#17 of 158 Old 07-20-2006, 12:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by AprilDaisy
I found out a few days ago that the elementary school here will be teaching some form of (basic?) sex education in my daughter's 6th grade class this coming year. This has prompted me to consider talking with them in detail about such things before someone else does...which I don't aprove of.
Our school district has an 'information' night for parents so you can see exactly what they will be showing/teaching your child. The parents also have the right to have their child skip that portion of the curriculum and do other studies instead.

My SIL took her kids out of school because she felt that the kids would learn "other" stuff that the parents don't approve of. I think it's OK for kids to hear another point of view, as long as the parents are also conveying their thoughts about this as well. My DD has had classes that taught things that totally went against my beliefs...it didn't make her turn against what she has always been taught.
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#18 of 158 Old 07-20-2006, 10:00 PM
 
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Not just today. It's been happening for a while, LOL. I attest to it happening 20years ago
My mom talks about it happening when she was in high school...she graduated in 1961.

Every generation seems to think it invented sex. Just because things are way more out in the open these days doesn't mean things have changed that much. More teen pregnancies...could be. Of course, mom has mentioned that it was very common for girls in the 50s to "only" do oral, so they'd still be virgins. They were defnitely experimenting already, though...

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#19 of 158 Old 07-20-2006, 10:58 PM
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<<<<So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex? Would you try to 'help' them make that decision?>>>>

Sure I would encourge her to wait until marriage. I do already. The way I reason with her is she has big dreams, a future she has mapped out for herself. She wants to be a doctor, leaning towads neonatal and has done enough research to know she is going to be in school for a long, long, long, long time. To even get close to that goal is going to require much energy. She knows, has said, that having a serious relationship with a guy would cause a distraction. As it is now, she has many friends, girls and boys. I would hope that stays the same. There is no way to survive college (lol- and HS) without good friends. In addition, she asked about and learned a great deal about STD. OTOH, my door is open to her asking for any kind of birth control.

The part I would like her to be able to handle is how to say no but still have a little fun. Yes, that would be hard but I do know people who get around the bases but don't touch homeplate, if you get my drift. That might be asking a lot of a teenager. I just want her to know that she can state her boundries and she doesn't have to have a hands off policy. Personally, I wish someone had told me how fun it can be not to have sex. It takes will and it takes trust in the other person. To me, it seems that there is an all or nothing attitude. If maybe more teenagers knew there was a middle ground, maybe we wouldn't have the high rates of young teens having sex. And there's always auto-pilot
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#20 of 158 Old 07-20-2006, 11:04 PM
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Originally Posted by AprilDaisy
I realize this...which is why I'm going to have the talk with the kids... Cause, now...you never know what others feel the need to tell your children...

I would check what exactly they will be told and on a way to opt out if you are not comfortable with what they will be doing.
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#21 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 01:03 AM
 
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I'm going to encourage my children to wait until marriage before they have sex; I believe it's the best way. We are Christians the Bible teaches us that fornication is wrong, and that is part of our belief system. However, if despite what I teach them they decide to have sex anyway, I will be open and honest with them and non-judgmental. I will provide them will full sex-education, including condoms, birth control, ext. I DO NOT support abstinence only education. If my girls want birth control, that's fine too. I want them to understand why I believe that I do, and that I would like them to believe that too, but I don't believe in making that choice for them. In the end, it's their body, not mine. Although I may not agree with their choice to have sex before marriage, I am still their mother and will always "have their back" so to say. I want them to know that they can always come to me with questions about sex and I will answer them openly and honestly, and accuratly.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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#22 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 02:03 AM
 
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would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex?

I would encourage my children to wait until they felt it was absolutely the right moment for them.


Would you try to 'help' them make that decision?

If I was asked by my child for advice absolutely! I on the other hand would not push my beliefs or thoughts onto my child (pushing my child away in reality).


Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin.

I am not certain that I want my children to have only one sexual partner in their life, nor will I pressure that upon them.


How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'.

Absolutely! But in my eyes, this does not mean only one person for their entire life.


would you allow your child to grow and experiament when that nature because natural to him?

huh?


Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves.
How 'no means no' and all that education bit.


Absolutely again!


About condoms and birth control methods, natural or chemical.
Of course!.. I will even speak to my children about masterbation and the importance of using that as a method to the arising (no pun intended) situations.

What would you do when your child starts to show interest in the opposite/same sex? And more importantly WHY WHY WHY?

Definantly hope and pray that until that point I have gained enough trust with my children that they can come to me and speak FREELY about such said topics.
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#23 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 02:26 AM
 
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Chip and I got married after I got pregnant. I think I would teach my daughter (if I ever have one) to respect her body and soul, and about contraception, rathwer than tel her she sould wait untill shes married. I feel that what matters is self-respect and happiness more that being married.
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#24 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 07:31 AM
 
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For my part, I just want it to be her decision. I don't want her to do it because everybody else her age at school do it. If now they're doing it at eleven from an article I read...in 10 years when will they start doing it??? The problem is I know I won't always be there for my child. When she will be at school I won't be there to tell her if she's doing the right thing or not. I can educate her and make her develop a strong character but then she'll only do what she wants...but at least she'll do what she wants and not what someone else wants her to do...if she wants to have sex, she can but if someone tries to convince her to do it, she'll be able to decide if she wants or not...I don't know if you get what I mean...you can raise your child well but still everybody knows how much our society is more and more affected by trends and that the "know who you are and be yourself" is slowly giving way to "be like the popular ones and do like them" and peer pressure at school is my worse enemy right now cause I don't know what they'll do to my daughter...just hope she doesn't catch a disease or get pregnant...she's only 2 1/2 years and I'm already worried sick about that...I must be crazy!
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#25 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 03:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angelpie545
I'm going to encourage my children to wait until marriage before they have sex; I believe it's the best way. We are Christians the Bible teaches us that fornication is wrong, and that is part of our belief system. However, if despite what I teach them they decide to have sex anyway, I will be open and honest with them and non-judgmental. I will provide them will full sex-education, including condoms, birth control, ext. I DO NOT support abstinence only education. If my girls want birth control, that's fine too. I want them to understand why I believe that I do, and that I would like them to believe that too, but I don't believe in making that choice for them. In the end, it's their body, not mine. Although I may not agree with their choice to have sex before marriage, I am still their mother and will always "have their back" so to say. I want them to know that they can always come to me with questions about sex and I will answer them openly and honestly, and accuratly.
Everything that she said. I know my oldest (16) has made out with her bf, but I'm also pretty sure that they haven't had sex even though they have been going out for over a year. Right now her world revolves around him WAY too much. Eventually, they will break up and she will be totally devestated. How much worse would that be if they were having sex? So part of not having sex is waiting until the emotional side effects are not as damaging. I think that having a few relationships that aren't based on sex before you throw it into the mix is much healthier and helps a person determine what their emotional bounderies are. That said, I have also talked to dd about the fact that birth control or other help she might need is available.
I do hope my kids (of both genders) wait. I am however much more concerned that they not get involved in any sexual relationship where they are feeling abused or disrespected. Two people that have never had sex with any others are much more likely to simply enjoy eachother and not "miss" what they used to get somewhere else. There was a study once that actually showed that women who had only one sexual partner were on average more satisfied sexually than women who had multiple partners and were now married. That is another factor. When my kids have sex, I want it to be great sex for them. A commited partner is much more likely to be sensitive and grow with their partner as a sexual being. I also think God knows all about what happens to us physically and emotionally when we have sex outside marriage and wants us all to be having great sex. Thus the "rule." It's more of a "don't touch the hot stove" rule unless your going around hurting others. At least that's how I have presented it to my kids. There is good sex, bad sex, great sex and very best sex. You get to pick and here is how I think you end up with each one. But as a parent I also reserve the right to create an evironment where I think the best is most likely to happen.
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#26 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 04:09 PM
 
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I have no issues with sex before marriage. I'm not married, and don't plan on marrying dp, though we are momogamous and committed for the longterm.

I will encourage ds (and any future dc's) to wait to have sex with someone he cares about. A loving, committed relationship. Not necessarily THE person, just someone who is important to him at the time. But I on't insist on it.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#27 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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I was a virgin on my wedding day. It was drilled into me from the time that I was very young that sex before marriage was taboo. I have no regrets. That said, I do not believe waiting until marriage to have sex for the first time is a wise thing to do and I have not communicated such an expectation to my now-19 yo and I will not to my younger children.

Sex is an integral part of a committed relationship between adult partners and therefore, it is critical that two people know, really know, that they are compatible sexually before they make what should be a lifelong commitment.

My now 19 yo dd approached me at 15 yo and asked for birth control. I explained to her my view that sex is a serious matter and should only be a part of a relationship where she feels confident she is loved and cared for and is with a trusted partner. She assured me that was the case. I provided birth control for her. She is now 19 and is no longer in that relationship, but it went on monogamously (as best I can tell) for 3.5 years. I feel comfortable with how I handled it.

With my currently 3 yo dd and 20 mo dd, I intend to allow them to determine when they are ready for that step. I absolutely will not tell them to wait until marriage to have sex for the first time. However, if they choose it, I will be proud and supportive. If they don't, and have sex before marriage, I will be proud and supportive.
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#28 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 05:47 PM
 
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I find myself agreeing (as usual) 1000 % with unschoolnma! In our household we most certainly do not encourage or condone waiting until marriage for sex. First of all, we don't feel that it is at all realistic. Second, we also don't feel that it is proper to do. We do encourage personal choice, knowledge of how to protect yourself, and how to say "no" if and when you want to say "no." But we strongly reject and frown on the notion of waiting until marriage. Obviously, we want it to be our kids' choice on what to do, as we would never force our opinion on them. But we do certainly hope they choose to have sex before marriage, and not to wait until after.
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#29 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 06:31 PM
 
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Seems like you've got a lot of more liberal answers.

I will definitley encourage both my boys and my girls to wait until marriage. I think that sex is biological, emotional, and spiritual. They will have to make their own decisions but for their biological, emotional, and spiritual health, I will guide them towards what I think is optimal. I do not think that promiscuity (no matter how "safe") is smart and I don't wish that on my children or on anyone else's.
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#30 of 158 Old 07-21-2006, 09:21 PM
 
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Dh and I were both virgins on our wedding night and we try to follow Jesus message of love in the bible. We will raise our dd and any others with the belief that sex is for marriage. However, if (God forbid) she chose otherwise, I would not pressure her to be married or treat her with any less love. We will be very open about sex because I don't want her learning about it from others. Um... what other questions were there? Birth control - I would not provide her with that. It's ez enough to get condoms and I don't believe chemical bc is healthy at all.

To the other mom who believes sex is for marriage as well, just my humble opinion, but if you let your dd know that you will have her back in premarital sex I think she will think you are not really all that much for waiting. As you and I know it's not ez at all to wait and it's wonderful to have support.
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