12 Year old Nose piercing... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 07-29-2006, 04:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My husbands ex wife took their 2 kids to the beach this past week, One is a 12 year old girl, the other a 5 year old boy. Tasha calls my husbands mom and told her that her mom let her get her nose pierced. ALSO, She (the mom) made Tasha get hers done first and tell her if it hurt, then she and her friend got theirs done.

I have two questions...

One - Could this be considered Child Neglect?? I mean it's just stupid from my point of view. She used her daughter as a guinea pig and a 12 year old does NOT need her NOSE pierced!! She is just not mature enough to take care of something like that and her mom is no more mature than she is, so she wont make her take care of it!

Two - Could she get in trouble for not contacting my husband to make sure it was ok?? They have Joint Custody of the kids, and it is in the divorce papers.

Please let me know your thoughts and opinions.

Thanks,
Kristen
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#2 of 33 Old 07-29-2006, 09:38 AM
 
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First of all, if they have joint custody, no, she could not get in trouble for not asking first. Second, no, it is not child neglect. Maybe it is ill-advised, but no, there isn't much you can do about it. My advice...relax. It isn't that serious of a thing.
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#3 of 33 Old 07-29-2006, 11:18 PM
 
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I think it's very wrong to allow a child that young to get their nose pierced, but honestly if the child wasn't totally forced to do something they didn't want to do then she did nothing wrong. It's ultimately the parents decision to agree to let a child do something like that. I could never allow my kids to do it though. I dread the day they finally ask to get just their ears pierced

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#4 of 33 Old 07-30-2006, 09:28 PM
 
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No, it is not neglect, nor is it illegal.
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#5 of 33 Old 07-30-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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I'd have hoped for an info call as the co- parent, although I would not have said no if the child wantes it. Although I would want to go along.
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#6 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 05:04 AM
 
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I would be beside myself furious, but no, it isn't child neglect or illegal. My daughters aren't allowed to get their ears pierced til they are 12; don't even ask me about any other parts!
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#7 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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I would be sooooooooo angry!!! We just went through this with our 15 year old. He decided to pierce his lip on his own while we were gone. He was grounded for a week because we told him he was not allowed to pierce ANYTHING until he was 18 AND out of the house. He did not understand our reasonings, but he understands now that he has to listen to what we say..... We want him to make that decision when he is an adult..... I feel if he were a girl the ears would be a different thing.... Other body parts are different. jmo My personal opinion would be that I certainly would have wanted a phone call about that decision... But I don't think it was illegal what happened..... But if you question it call your attorney.

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#8 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 06:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone for your replies.. I didn't figure it would be illegal, but still, non the less, I think it was wrong. We have a 3 month old girl, and there is NO WAY I would let her get her nose pierced at 12, or probably even 16, shoot, If I had it my way, she never would! lol.

But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

Kristen
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#9 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 07:24 PM
 
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Personally I wouldn't make her take it out at my house. What's done is done. If you are worried about your 3 month old...she won't even notice it and by the time she does the 12 year old will be alot older as well. It seems that if you just talked to her about it and told her that you don't really think it is appropriate that it would be alot better than punishing her for it. Her mom WAS with her and allowed her to do it....my 13 year old knows she is not allowed to do that sort of stuff but if her dad was with her and gave her permission it seems that it would be something that I needed to take up with him not with the child-you know? Good luck-I know this age is a tough one. I am trying to find the balance myself.
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#10 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 07:44 PM
 
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i don't think making her take it out is a good idea than she would start to maybe think of it as a parent fight. (if that makes any sense) i got my belly button pierced when i was 13 and it didn't do any damage to me it is her body and it was a choice she made.
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#11 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?

Kristen
Firstly, depending on how long and how frequently she is at your house, making her take it out could cause it to close up. Also, frequently removing her piercing while it's in its initial healing phase is almost a guaranteed way to cause problems with the piercing itself - infection, keloid, etc. Hopefully, her piercer was a pro, and gave her a care sheet to follow for her nostril piercing, which (also hopefully) included, in big bold text, the words DON'T TOUCH IT!

Secondly, while I think the mother sounds pretty immature for "making her do it first to see if it hurt," I think making your stepdaughter take out her nostril piercing while at your house would be unfair, unnecessary, and could cause issues in your relationship with her. If your reasoning is that you don't want your young child to see a nostril piercing (why exactly? I have a nostril piercing and am about as harmless as they come), like a previous poster said - what's done is done. She is only 12, but she does have the right to assert her individuality. I'm afraid I just don't see how having a pierced nostril - or being in the presence of one - is detrimental to either child.

I would also gently suggest that using language like "that sort of influence" when referring to your stepdaughter is probably not going to make for a close and happy relationship down the road. Just a thought.
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#12 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 08:32 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaWindmill
I would also gently suggest that using language like "that sort of influence" when referring to your stepdaughter is probably not going to make for a close and happy relationship down the road. Just a thought.

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#13 of 33 Old 07-31-2006, 09:01 PM
 
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JMO, but I think making a big deal out of it in front of her will probably make her want to get more piercings. I have a friend who did it in high school and it was gone by college... the hole closed up too. I have seen some very tasteful nose piercings, barely noticable. My MIL has one, but she's from India where it's almost as common as ears. Would it help to think of it that way? I wouldn't think of her as a bad influence just because of a nose piercing. There's a great article in Mothering this issue about a mother who takes her 13 yo daughter to get her belly button pierced. It was very interesting.
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#14 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 12:41 AM
 
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I'd be angry as her father, but there's nothing that can be done.

I'd ignore it and not make a big deal. The mom is probably looking to stir the pot a bit, and I'd just blow it off.

I'd be careful about how much you communicate to your 12 yr old about how yiou don't like it. Things can feel very personal at that age. I remember getting a haircut or a perm and any criticism felt like a big rejection.

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#15 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 04:06 AM
 
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I do think it was wrong of her not to ask your DH about it.

However, it's done. As PP said, it's a very bad idea to have her take it out. Infections and scars and it closing up are all realities. It will also make things bad between the two of you.

I also take issue with your idea that your 3 yo is going to notice or care or want one because of it. Or that there's something wrong with having a nose piercing. Having that idea of it, or your SD is going to make your relationship much harder as she gets to be an older teen.

It's really not that big of a deal.

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#16 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 04:13 AM
 
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i don't think it's a huge deal, but I do think the mom sounds awfully immature for making the daughter go first. If it were me, I'd go first to comfort my daughter, not the other way around. As for age and being mature enough to take care of it, I think most 12 year olds are mature enough to take care of something when it's on their face! it's not like she's going to forget about it.

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#17 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 04:21 AM
 
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I would be angry - it seems inappropriate - but what's done is done.
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#18 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?
No, absolutely do not take it out! You don't want to set yourself up to become the wicked stepmother! (and I speak as one who knows; my SS and I learned the hard way) If you and your DH decide that you need to take it out (I still think that's a bad idea), your DH has to be the one to do it.

IME, when you have kids that are far apart in age, the older kids are gonna have an influence on the younger ones, and it won't always be good. Kids with much older siblings are not as sweet and innocent as the first kids were. I hate that as much as anyone, but there's no getting around it. This is true when the siblings are full sibs, half sibs, or step sibs.

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#19 of 33 Old 08-02-2006, 11:28 PM
 
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What a stupid thing to do.
Sorry. I have a 12 y/o and there would be no way... ugh

But... I would try to stay out of it if I were you. It would kill me, but I'd bite my tounge.

If I was your DH, well.. that's an entirely different story.

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#20 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 12:32 AM
 
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Wow, I don't even know what to say. I mean, I took my dd to get her cartilage pierced when she was 13. I did discuss it with her dad before buying the gift certificate, though we are of the opinion that what is done at each parents own home is our own business as long as it's not harmful and I hardly think a piercing is harmful. I did it because it was the right thing to do and I'm sorry that your step-daughters mom didn't feel the same way.

But this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by sklsnyder
But Is it going to be wrong of me to make her take it out when she comes over to our house? I know my daughter is only 3 months, and I know when she gets older, she is going to see alot of things in the world, but I just don't want her growing up with that sort of influence so close to her. Is THAT wrong of me?
What kind of influence are you trying to sheild her from??? A piercing?? Really? Are there not bigger fish to fry? My dd is an honor student. She's extremely responsible, extremely loving, and an influence that I'd hope that everyone would have in their life. I'd never, ever hesitate to let her look after her younger siblings or to shed her experience and influence on them. Having a piercing does not change the person that she is. I don't see how forcing her to remove the piercing (which could lead to problems both with your relationship with her and with the piercing itself) is going to change the type of influence that she has on your daughter.

My 11yo dd asked me today if she could get a piercing for her 12th birthday in January. I told her that I'd think about it. The only thing keeping me from saying yes is that she's a competitive gymnast and I don't know if she'll be allowed to wear it when she competes so it would make more sense to wait until the season's over so she'll have time to nurture it while it heals.
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#21 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 01:18 AM
 
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I don't see why piercing an ear is acceptable and a nose isn't. If my kid comes home with a nose piercing, that's totally fine with me, I don't think it particularly denotes a rebellious streak or anything of the sort. It's just a hole, eventually it will grow over if she wants it to. I see it as no big deal. I mean she didn't even do it behind her parent's back, her mother was with her and had to sign consent forms I'm sure. I'd let her keep it. kids in other parts of the world have them pierced much younger and have no problems keeping it clean and all that.

The way her mom acted is a totally seperate issue. It's not the daughters concern or responsability, so you should be pissed at the mom if anyone.
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#22 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 01:32 AM
 
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I do think your sd bio-mom should have discussed it with your husband first. It was 100% wrong for her not to. You shouldn't be mad at your sd but her mom.

Would I have her take it out? NO!! She is 12. When your child becomes "aware" let say at 5-6 your husbands oldest child will be 18.....And a nose ring is the last of issues to battle. Also, you need to set the example of teaching her that you respect her body and choices.

I do not see anything wrong with your dh talking with her and saying that he is disappointed in her bio-mom for not discussing this with him first. And asking her next time she wants to pierce something he would appreciate that he was part of the decision process. Since there seems to be a different standard of car your dh might want to inform/educate his dd on safe piercing and tattooing. I would make piercing safety an issue. Most places around here that do piercing won't do teens/preteens like that and will ask the child if their parents are divorce. They require both parents permission. The quickness of the decission makes me worried about the safeness issue and if your dd sees that being your dh's issue he won't be seen as the bad guy.
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#23 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 02:31 AM
 
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definitely don't make her take it out. Doing so would make her a pawn in a power struggle between her parents that has nothing to with her. her mother gave her permission. Her mother has a right to make descissions for her. Unless she had specifically asked you and you said no then she didn't do anything wrong. talk to her about why you would have prefered her not to do it. talkto her about proper care. talk to her about not going behind your back. talk to her about running the4se things by you if possible in the furture. but whatever you do don't tell her mother was wrong, her mother had no right etc. her mother indeed had ever right to make this descision and if her mother was wrong to do this without asking (and it would have been better if she asked you first) that should be taken up with her mother. not her. She got permision to get the peircing, what is done and done and it isn't that big of a deal in the long run anyway. I think making a big deal out of it would do more harm than good. I think it is sweet that her and her mom did it together (despite the fact that I probably wouldn't let my 12 year old get her nose peirced) let them have this. leave it alone and appreciate it for the sweet indulgent mother daughter thing it was.

if he feels he must talk to her mom about his desire that she run big descisions by him first and make sure he hasn't already said no.

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#24 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 02:54 AM
 
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beyond the obvious, taking the piercing out would be TERRIBLE in terms of encouraging infection or keloid scarring from the trauma. it's not safe to remove a healing piercing and then try to shove it back in, which i assume she'd do as soon as she was away from you. it's a sure way to cause more harm than the piercing would in the first place.
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#25 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 08:21 AM
 
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I think the child's mother had the right to make that choice. She should have talked to the father about it too, but she is still the mom. My 11yo (12 next month) has been talking about getting her nose pierced and I think it's okay...

If I were separated from my dh, I would still feel I had the right to give her permission. If communication wasn't generally good with him, I would tend to not consult more than I really needed to. It wouldn't seem critical enough with this decision.

Also, I think the sd and her mom and friend were just playing around as far as "they made her get it first..."--they were all talking about it, they were all a bit timid/shy to actually do it, so who actually does it first is a bit of a tossed-around question. "Who's bold enough to really do it?" sort of thing.

I think you need to relax about the sd. Maybe try to let her bio parents set what example they can for what teens are like. It seems that you are going to find a LOT of things she does worrisome and irritating because you only have a baby so far and have not been through seeing the child grow into herself and have not gradually learned what to accept and take in stride as a parent gets to do...

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#26 of 33 Old 08-03-2006, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You all are right.. Whats done is done, and there isnt anything I can do about it (although I dont like it). I probably am making a big deal out of it, and it's not my place.

As for her being a bad influence, I just don't want my daughter growing up and thinking that it's ok to do something w/o asking both her dad and I. (not sure if that makes any sense).

I do not think for one second that people with piercings are a bad influence, my best friend has many piercings and I know she isnt harmful!

As for it being a "joke" that the mom made the daughter go first to see if it hurt, I only know of what the daughter said, but I also know how her mother is.

Thanks for everyones opinions,

Kristen
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#27 of 33 Old 08-15-2006, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by sklsnyder
She is just not mature enough to take care of something like that and her mom is no more mature than she is, so she wont make her take care of it!
I just wanted to update, her mother DIDNT make her take care of it, just as I said.. therefore it is now infected, she LET her take her ear rings out and put them in her nose and yet her mother STILL wont making her put any medicine on it and take care of it.

Thats why it shouldn't have happened.
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#28 of 33 Old 08-15-2006, 05:58 PM
 
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BTDT...tho not with a nose ring. I had always {since before the birth of my DD} that even ear piercing had to wait until she was 13...old enough to seriously care for them herself.

However her BF {bio-father} and his wife pierced there DDs ears when she was very little and constantly said my DD should have hers done. She was constantly begging and pleading and giving me the whole "But my sister has her ears pierced" speaach about twice a week just before she turned 7. So I finally gave in {still unhappy butworn out from the all sides nagging between her and her BF} and got her ears pierced for her 7th birthday.

All went well and there were no problems up until 3 weeks later, when her 2 week visitation with her father happened. I specifically told him that they had to be cleaned twice a day still and to be sure she turned them at least that often. Did it happen? Not a chance! The night she came home my SIL took me, her, and DS to dinner. We pulled in the parking lot and she was complaining that her ear hurt. I assumed the earring had gotten a little tight, as that had happened during the 3 weeks prior to her visitation.

I put my fingers behind her ear to loosen it...and pulled them away with very nasty bloody pus on them. It was terrible. I asked her how long they had bothered her and she said it had been a few days. I asked if they had been cleaning and turning them and she said "I forgot!" {Mind you there were TWO adults with clear instructions about how important it was...and neither bothered!}

In the end...I had to be the one to care for the infection...and listen to my DD cry over how she couldn't wear her earrings anymore. She no longer has pierced ears...and will not until she is at least 13. I told her BF about it and he said "Well she was supposed to take care of them...we told her that the first night!" as if that just explained away why he and his wife hadn't noticed for days that they were infected.

So sorry to hear you are all going thru this...and I wish I could say there was something you can legally do about it - but everyone is pretty much right that there is nothing. Hopefully she will treat the infection and they will take better care of it tho.
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#29 of 33 Old 08-15-2006, 09:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by eowen77
So sorry to hear you are all going thru this...and I wish I could say there was something you can legally do about it - but everyone is pretty much right that there is nothing. Hopefully she will treat the infection and they will take better care of it tho.
It's ok, I understand that there is nothing I can do, but her mother should step up and be a MOTHER, and help her take care of it.. MAKE her take care of it!

And yes, HOPEFULLY she will take care of the infection, and hopefully her mother will learn from this and help her also!

Thanks
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#30 of 33 Old 08-19-2006, 12:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka
talk to her about not going behind your back. talk to her about running the4se things by you if possible in the furture.


her mother indeed had ever right to make this descision and if her mother was wrong to do this without asking (and it would have been better if she asked you first) that should be taken up with her mother.
These statements are contradictory. You pointed out that she had her MOTHER'S permission, so why should she have felt the need to run it by her stepmother? Why should she be "talked to" about going behind her stepmother's back? When did a stepmother's opinion supercede the right of a natural parent to make a decision for their child?
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