A 30-40 year old man "hit on" my 14yo dd - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We were at a gas station and I had my dd go in and pay for the gas.

gas station guy : "Hi. You're looking pretty today."
dd: (embarassed) "thanks, we had 10.00 on pump 6"
gas station guy: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
dd: "ugh, no, I'm not allowed. I'm only 14."
gas staion guy: "well you look older..."

dd then quickly walks out.

Should I report this guy? I was in a HUGE hurry, late for an appt or I would have composed myself as much as possible then went in & let the guy have it.

Do I just let it go? I dont have his name. We could try to go back in at the same day and time to see if he's there but my dd would be horribly embarassed. Just call the manager and say tell him for his info?
BTW, dd does NOT look to be of legal age at all.....
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#2 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:13 PM
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I don't think you can report that but it's a good teaching opportunity for you and dd.

I have five daughters and they have been hit on like that.

Fortunately, all but the 7yo could snap the man like a twig, and have the attitude to go with the power.

IOW, most men know to leave them alone.
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#3 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I meant report it to the store manager, not to authorities - just to clarify.
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#4 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:22 PM
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I'd talk to the manager, even if she was of age, that's a mild form of sexual harassment.
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#5 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:44 PM
 
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#6 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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I would also talk with your daughter, and report it to the manager. Not cool.
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#7 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:18 PM
 
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Definately talk to your daughter, and I would report it. Perhaps he did think she was older? Still, even so, that's creepy. When I was younger I had older guys hit on me b/c I did look older and they though I was. Mistakes can be made sometimes, so I always think of that before I report someone for hitting on someone underage. I know of one guy who's only sixteen but looks about 19 or 20. It wouldn't matter for him b/c the age of consent is 16 in Washington unless you are a school employee, but it's possible to mistake someone for older. I dunno, even if he did really think she was older, I would report it. It's very unprofessional behavior, especially from someone who was so much older, which means that he is probably looking for someone younger to manipulate. Gross, overall, even with mistaken identity.

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#8 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:21 PM
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Even if she was 20, do you really want to pick up some guy you don't know from the gas station?

What you teach her now will prepare for to make choices as an adult.

What were women taught that it would even be possible to pick up a woman at a minamart?

Basic defensive choices, they'll help her as a 20 year old someday.
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#9 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:29 PM
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Ugh!!! My dd is 10 and I have gone off on some creepy men.
: I almost got escorted out of MOA for screaming at one creep for ogling my dd and her 11 year old friend.

I would definitely report the guy to the manager. That is beyond sexual harrassment. I would make sur ethe manager knows that he has a grown man hitting on kids.
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#10 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:31 PM
 
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I had that happen myself at that age. Yes I'd report it to the manager.
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#11 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:39 PM
 
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We've experienced that as well, my daughter is almost 13. It's scary to think about, but some teenagers look much older than they are. My daughter dresses conservatively, doesn't wear make-up, but she is 5'1", 110 pounds, and could easily pass for 16 or 17 if she tried.

I probably wouldn't report him. Creepy knowing the facts we know? Yes. Actual harrassment? In my book, no. But that's just me. Also, I know my daughter's attitude, and it wouldn't bother her - she'd probably just shoot him one of those "Drop Dead" looks she usually reserves for me! ;-)

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Even if she was 20, do you really want to pick up some guy you don't know from the gas station?
This made me laugh because I actually dated a guy that I met in a bookstore, but he worked at a gas station. Looking back, he's the one I should have married...
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#12 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:43 PM
 
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I'd be offended by that leacherous stuff regardless of what age I am. All women should be able to conduct business in public venues without being harrassed by employees who can't keep a lid on their own sexuality. Plus this guy sounds like a pedophile. I highly doubt he thought a shy little girl riding shotgun in her mother's car was of age. What a jerk.

Please report this to the store manager. Furthermore, if this is a chain organization, I hope you'll contact their main offices to lodge a complaint.
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#13 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 02:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
I'd be offended by that leacherous stuff regardless of what age I am. All women should be able to conduct business in public venues without being harrassed by employees who can't keep a lid on their own sexuality. Plus this guy sounds like a pedophile. I highly doubt he thought a shy little girl riding shotgun in her mother's car was of age. What a jerk.

Please report this to the store manager. Furthermore, if this is a chain organization, I hope you'll contact their main offices to lodge a complaint.
My thoughts exactly.
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#14 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 03:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
I'd be offended by that leacherous stuff regardless of what age I am. All women should be able to conduct business in public venues without being harrassed by employees who can't keep a lid on their own sexuality. Plus this guy sounds like a pedophile. I highly doubt he thought a shy little girl riding shotgun in her mother's car was of age. What a jerk.

Please report this to the store manager. Furthermore, if this is a chain organization, I hope you'll contact their main offices to lodge a complaint.
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#15 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 03:27 PM
 
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I wouldn't report it to anyone, but I would use it as a teaching moment for my daughter. I don't know how old your dd looks, but some 14 year olds can easily pass for 18. I know to you she is your little girl, but I wouldn't report what could have been an honest mistake.

I think that comments - both benign and leading - will happen throughout her lifetime. Her feeling that she can handle it is crucial. She did well, but could have just repeated a firm "we have $10 on pump five" when he got to the boyfriend part.

My dh has gone through a lot of sexual harassment training at work; they are all required to take it yearly. It is to the point that you can't even tell someone they look nice without worrying about it. I understand that in the OP's situation, especially when he got to the boyfriend part, he was clearly interested in more than commenting that she was pretty. But I think that teaching our girls to feel they can handle those type situations is more effective than thinking we can stop them from happening.

I would talk to her about it, then let it go.
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#16 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 03:44 PM
 
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At that age I looked older......You are doing something right your dd handled it well. It is a life skill that has done me well. People mistake other peoples age all the time. If he would have proceeded then I would be annoyed and concider it harrassment.

I really think it is pretty judgemental of people to say someone that works at a gas station is unworthy or creepy...I worked at a gas station. We had all different types of employees come in and out. Many were trying to make it through college. And when my kids are 20 I am sure my kids will date people I don't know and don't like were they work would be one of my last concerns.
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#17 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 03:47 PM
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Stranger making suggestive commentary to a woman is inherently creepy.
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#18 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 10:09 PM
 
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It's hard to believe a man that old wouldn't realize your DD is under 18 years of age but maybe he didn't. Does she look old for her age? It sounds like once she told him his age that he didn't flirt anymore, right? It sounds like he was definitely in the wrong for flirting in the first place, but he didn't do anything physically wrong. I'm 37 years old and can't stand men that make comments about my looks.

It's sad that men that age flirt with little girls. : I remember being that age and having older men hit on me too, even married men a couple times. I had an older guy follow me home from a grocery store when I was 14 and walking with a friend and called me jailbait (the first time I heard the term) and gave me his number. When my friend and I called it his wife answered and was very pissed. That was my first experience with a dirtbag sleaze such as that. I think experiences like that are what help us figure out what to do in such situations.

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17 yr old

11 yr old 

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#19 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 10:29 PM
 
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One more thought - a lot of times kids that age are horrible judges when it comes to guessing an adults age. My daughter referred to my mom as "elderly", and she is in her mid 50's but could easily pass for mid 40's. If your daughter said he was 30-40 (and I might be wrong, you may have seen him and know that is his age) he could have been mid 20's.
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#20 of 66 Old 07-29-2006, 11:41 PM
 
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This is 'just' more of the daily sexual harrassment our daughters(and sons) will get through life from men.What do we do about it? Just let it go cos it's just part of life? If men like this do not get any feedback then they don't even register our disgust, I would rather they know it. A couple of drunks shouted something sexually offensive at my 14 year old not long ago as I walked past with her and it just riled me so I turned round and told em to f off. I'm glad I did, yes they got more offensive but at least they were challenged and one of them looked like he was trying to stand up you know the how dare a scumbag woman tell me to f off routine yes they really believe they are gods and women are there to be abused, young girls yum yum even better, I would not have thought twice about flooring him if he had managed to stand up and thump me cos these guys are prone to a bit of woman bashing but what he really wanted to do was f**k my daughter and to me that is highly antagonistic behaviour and they are well aware when you are a single-mom too, dya think they would have done that if I'd been with a man. This is how they start to prey on young girls,if they havent already molested a child 12 upwards is the age they start on,why should our daughters not be able to go through life without this crap? we are just pieces of meat to these scumbags and they know what they are doing, sowing the seeds of doubt,'shame of our sexuality' FEAR , into our growing daughters, I saw the look on my dd's face I remember that feeling well and compromising our personal safety it's all part of the fun and hey the law will protect them as well so whats to stop them. A quick visit to the manager of that gas station to project your concerns will at least maybe let him know that some people do not accept that kinda behaviour. Who knows where that behaviour might lead to and no it won't stop them but just to challenge them is a message in itself. This is predatory behaviour and in itself is dubious, it's not a case of men not being allowed to converse, it's their tone of conversation that's worrying, he coulda just said hi.
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#21 of 66 Old 07-30-2006, 09:00 AM
 
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I would most definitely report it to the manager! I can't believe that there are actually posters who say "don't report it!"
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#22 of 66 Old 07-30-2006, 11:08 AM
 
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REPORT...REPORT!

I also had that happen to me many times as a young girl, I wish someone would've taken a stand for me.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#23 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 03:47 AM
 
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I'd report it to the manager. Even if she was of age, that made her feel uncomfortable and was thus sexual harassment.

Remember, sexual harassment is in the impact, not the intent -- and all large-scale companies have corporate policies explicitly forbidding it!

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#24 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 07:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mmace
One more thought - a lot of times kids that age are horrible judges when it comes to guessing an adults age. My daughter referred to my mom as "elderly", and she is in her mid 50's but could easily pass for mid 40's. If your daughter said he was 30-40 (and I might be wrong, you may have seen him and know that is his age) he could have been mid 20's.
Yep, my 13 year old thinks my brother is old...he's 25!
Regardless of how old he is or how young your daughter is, he shouldn't have asked her that and I'd report him and let them deal with it.
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#25 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 08:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BelovedK
REPORT...REPORT!

I also had that happen to me many times as a young girl, I wish someone would've taken a stand for me.
ITA.
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#26 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 12:00 PM
 
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Personally, I wouldn't hesitate to report something like that to the manager of the gas station, unless my daughter was opposed to it. Have you talked about what your DD might like to do, if anything?
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#27 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 12:23 PM
 
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I would definitely report it to the manager. That is unaccpetable, no matter the age of the woman.

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#28 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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I would report it!!
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#29 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 12:43 PM
 
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I would report it to the manager, but only because of her age. I don't think it's sexual harrassment for someone to express interest in you. It's only harrassment if it continues after you make it clear that it's not okay. Otherwise how would we ever find love? If everyone is afraid to express how they feel, or "hit on" someone we'll all eventually die alone.

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#30 of 66 Old 07-31-2006, 01:39 PM
 
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Yes I was going to post about that too after reading more of the replies. I agree with moondiapers. This particular issue is due to the age difference. Unless one thinks ot's cool for 13 year olds to go out with 30+ year olds. Yeah didn't think so.

But I don't think that there is anything wrong with expressing interest in someone that is in your peer group.
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