Does your child go into a public restroom alone? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 110 Old 08-29-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
Link?
Link to what? Do you need convincing that men are more likely to be sexual predators than women?
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#62 of 110 Old 08-29-2006, 11:07 PM
 
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I don't want to live my life as though everyone is a kidnapper or child rapist, and I don't want to pass that message to my kids. I understand that other people feel differently.
Is anyone suggesting living life like everyone is a kidnapper or rapist? I certainly am not. I am suggesting that there are certain signs of readiness before a child has their pants down in a public place with people they don't know. With my child my concerns many of my concerns were more related to germy ick as he wasn't to relied on to wash his hands and on motor skills difficulties handling clothing.
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#63 of 110 Old 08-29-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Roar
A girl was raped in the women's bathroom of our library.
Looking for a link to this story.

Did a woman or a man rape the child?
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#64 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
Looking for a link to this story.

Did a woman or a man rape the child?
This was probably five years ago and it looks like the local paper only has 14 day access online. My recollection is that the girl was about 10. She was raped by man who waited in the bathroom. I used that same bathroom alone as a kid and probably wouldn't have hesitated to send a 10 year old there myself. The man was caught.

And, while Googling I also found this story which is quite similar http://www.ala.org/ala/alonline/curr...melessplea.htm

Hey wait - they've got something on the story I mentioned too http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=2971

And, apparently there are lots more http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=1483
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#65 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:18 AM
 
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So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?
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#66 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?
I have a buddy who will not use public restrooms. He will barely use the bathroom at friend's houses.

Personally, we use public restrooms.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#67 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
So people are suggesting not using public restrooms? How would you travel? Leave the house?
Where was that post? I didn't see anything of the sort.
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#68 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Roar
This was probably five years ago and it looks like the local paper only has 14 day access online. My recollection is that the girl was about 10. She was raped by man who waited in the bathroom. I used that same bathroom alone as a kid and probably wouldn't have hesitated to send a 10 year old there myself. The man was caught.

And, while Googling I also found this story which is quite similar http://www.ala.org/ala/alonline/curr...melessplea.htm

Hey wait - they've got something on the story I mentioned too http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=2971

And, apparently there are lots more http://www.ala.org/al_onlineTemplate...ContentID=1483
There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.
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#69 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:24 AM
 
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Nope, nope, nope.

My poor ds1 still has to deal with coming into the womans room with me or his MUCH older sister. He hates it and complains about it, but tough luck buddy, there are some crazy nasty weirdos out there and I'm not about to let you become a victim because you are uncomfortable with going into the woman's bathroom.

Solo Mum to 4 and loving every minute of it!!!!
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#70 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.
Why is it a big deal for you if someone chooses to be more cautious than you choose to be? Maybe, they have personal issues/experience that makes them more fearful.....maybe not.

Why make sarcastic comments and downplay what may be a very valid fear for someone?

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#71 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
There are plenty of horror stories, for sure.

Maybe we could all stay home, in gated, guarded communties, with bars on all our windows?

Billions of people use public restrooms each day without incident.

It's a shame so many live in fear of the simplest things. The statistics are with us, but the fear-mongering continues just the same.
Oh I see. I mentioned a story in passing as a note that while women's rooms are safer stuff can still happen. You asked for the link. The reason you wanted the link was not to actually find out about what happened but instead so you could post some comment about fear mongering and horror stories.

Not one person, including me, suggested that no one should use a public restroom or that folks should stay at home. If someone said "wearing seatbelts is important" would your response be but many people travel safely so you are just being paranoid. That may be an appropriate response if someone said let's ban all cars, but not if they said wear seatbelts. Appropriate if someone said ban public restrooms but not if they say consider your child's maturity and supervise.

Rather, I would suggest specifically that parents be aware that there are potential risk and evaluate first and foremost their individual child's readiness (to handle washing, clothing, social and safety aspects) and act accordingly rather than simply assuming that all children of a particular chronologial age should act a certain way.

What stories such as the one I posted suggest to me is that I will not treat all public restrooms exactly the same way and I will continue to provide some supervision being aware when my child enters a restroom and aware how long they are gone.
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#72 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Houdini
I have a buddy who will not use public restrooms. He will barely use the bathroom at friend's houses.

Personally, we use public restrooms.
Ah, you know my DH? He will not even use the restrooms at work...
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#73 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:53 AM
 
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My oldest son uses the men's room by himself if I am out with him and my husband takes him when he is with us. My oldest son is 8. We have had this system since he voiced he was uncomfortable going to the ladies room. If he is going into the men's room without my husband I always knock on the door and say "Lady coming in." and then open the door and scan who is in there before I let my son enter. Then he prefers using the stall, and I tell him before he goes in I am right at the door waiting and to yell and I will come in. There have been plenty of embarrassed men, but most are pretty understanding. I have had a few occaisions where I have been in a place where it was very busy and there was no way I could wait beside the men's room door and the ladies' room had a really long line and my son's bladder wouldn't wait, where a father taking in his son has offered to keep and eye on him or help him. In those times I didn't not get a bad feeling from the men who offered and I left it up to my son what he wanted to do. Most times he politely refused and waited, but twice he had to go and ran at the chance. There have been men that gave me the creeps and I made sure they knew they knew I was watching and popped open the men's room door several times to ask my son if he was okay or needed help. So far he has never had a bad experience.
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#74 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 10:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by choli
Ah, you know my DH? He will not even use the restrooms at work...
I had never met anyone else who was like my friend. Now I can't tell him he's the only one on the planet that doesn't use public restrooms.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#75 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 11:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Houdini
I had never met anyone else who was like my friend. Now I can't tell him he's the only one on the planet that doesn't use public restrooms.
Funny about him not using friends' bathrooms either, I really thought DH was the only one with that phobia. He hates to eat in other people's houses, too, even his own relatives...
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#76 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 11:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by choli
Funny about him not using friends' bathrooms either, I really thought DH was the only one with that phobia. He hates to eat in other people's houses, too, even his own relatives...
Have you ever broken someone's toliet? Or had to ask for a plunger to have the homeowner come in and inspect the problem? The fear runs very deep. From someone who has broken a toilet where the water company had to be called out to shut off the water and knows that fear.
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#77 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:44 PM
 
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Not using public restrooms is not showing caution, it's paranoia.

Caution is one thing, fear-mongering is another. I simply can't accept it's healthy for 14 yr olds to be so protected that they can't use a public bathroom.

I don't see the point of applying the same degree of 'caution' to a 14 yr old as one might a 6 yr old.

But heck, if people want to , they are certainly entitled to. However, I can comment on it. Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories. I also think older boys in women's restrooms is odd and vice versa. Unless the bathrooms are unisex (and some are), most people are not expecting members of the opposite sex to be in line with them. To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.

In the end, the statistics are not backing up the fears.
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#78 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Houdini
Why is it a big deal for you if someone chooses to be more cautious than you choose to be? Maybe, they have personal issues/experience that makes them more fearful.....maybe not.

Why make sarcastic comments and downplay what may be a very valid fear for someone?
And I might ask you what the big deal is if I choose to comment?
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#79 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
Not using public restrooms is not showing caution, it's paranoia.

Caution is one thing, fear-mongering is another. I simply can't accept it's healthy for 14 yr olds to be so protected that they can't use a public bathroom.

I don't see the point of applying the same degree of 'caution' to a 14 yr old as one might a 6 yr old.

But heck, if people want to , they are certainly entitled to. However, I can comment on it. Plus, I don't have to think never allowing a child to use a public bathroom is a healthy reaction to these internet stories. I also think older boys in women's restrooms is odd and vice versa. Unless the bathrooms are unisex (and some are), most people are not expecting members of the opposite sex to be in line with them. To live one's life in fear because once, a million years ago, an unsupervised 10 yr old in town was harmed is not how I choose to live my life, or how I encourage my kids to live their lives.

In the end, the statistics are not backing up the fears.
I agree that to me a fourteen year old is a bit old, but I don't know the circumstances and honestly it isn't for me to judge the situation.

The parent's decision may have nothing to do with internet stories and everything to do with personal experience. It isn't my place to judge what I deem to be reasonable reasons for someone else's child.

My kids certainly feel in fear of all around them, but they are aware of the possibilities and what could happen. IMO, to shield them from that is asking for problems.

I don't base my decisions on statistics for most things. I base my decisions on comfort level and knowing my children. I do what I feel is necessary to protect and equip my children. In the end, that is all every parent is doing. You may choose a different path.....that is your decision to make for you family.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#80 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:52 PM
 
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Let's be gentle with one another, please.


                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#81 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
And I might ask you what the big deal is if I choose to comment?
Commenting is one thing.

Being sarcastic and downplaying a person's fears b/c you don't agree/understand the reason for their decision is completely different.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#82 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 12:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelovedK
Let's be gentle with one another, please.

FTR, I wasn't picking out any particular poster. I am commenting, in general, on our culture.

We've become a society so fearful we build gated communities, put guns in our diaper bags, and now we won't let our kids use public restrooms.

If the statistics of danger backed up people's paranoia, I wouldn't bother commenting.

We are living in fear of our own making. That's not healthy for us, and certainly not for our children.
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#83 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#84 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 01:14 PM
 
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I didn't start this thread to debate or judge other parents. As the OP, I would like to request that we let the discussions over teenagers' sexuality, the general safety of public restrooms, and living in a culture of fear go to new threads. They are all valuable topics for discussion but not really what I was asking about. I would like to re-focus this thread on how parents individually handle their older children using public restrooms alone.

Thanks.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#85 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 01:42 PM
 
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I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.
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#86 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 01:52 PM
 
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I really didn't mean to imply anything about anyone's parenting choices.

To be honest, I was asking for opinions because this was all so far outside of my experience that I was wondering if I was a neglectful mom. Upon reading further, I think there may be cultural differences at work here: I grew up largely outside of the US, I've never lived in the suburbs, I don't go to big places like malls very often--so usually we're talking about a one-person restroom in a cafe or somesuch.

If I lived in a car culture and was often at huge multi-stall restrooms, and if I'd grown up with the (IMO justifiable) stranger-training that kids in America get, I would probably have, quite naturally and without thinking about it, accompanied my dd to the restroom much later.

When I was a kid, I was sent on errands at 6 years old. I wouldn't do the same, but I'm coming from that sort of mentality. So this is all a bit strange to me but NOT, as far as a can tell, wrong.

I wouldn't call anyone paranoid. I just wouldn't want someone telling me I was irresponsible for doing things my way, either.
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#87 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 02:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think rejecting the fear *does* help some people to handle the fact that older kids sometimes must use public bathrooms.

Pointing out that it's not possible to eliminate the fact that our older children will sometimes have to use a public bathroom is part of this discussion.

The statistics do not back up our fears. That's a critical point. Our fears are robbing us of letting our kids do normal things without huge anxiety.
UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#88 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 02:44 PM
 
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My 2 preteens use the public bathrooms by themselves. Their ages are 10 and 12. When ds1 was about 7(?) and requested not having me accompany him to the washroom...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.

chicken3.gifbelly.gifwow...i'm gonna have another one!!!
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#89 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 02:51 PM
 
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...that's when I had to let go of my fear and trust that he would be all right. This is a hard thing for a parent to do. Bad things can happen anywhere and while we educate our children at a young age to be cautious of strangers and be aware that there are bad people, we also must teach them independance and trust.
: ultimately as parents we all have to let go.. ultimately they do grow up.

shay

Mothering since 1992...its one of the many hats I wear.
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#90 of 110 Old 08-30-2006, 02:52 PM
 
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UUMom- Those points are more general commentary on society at large though and for my thread I'd really like people to address what they do as individuals to handle the issue of their own older child using a public restroom alone.
I do think those are valuable points and would make a super discussion. I hope you will start a thread on the important topic of rejecting fear so it gets proper discussion. I'm sure it would attract more input from the MDC community if it was under its own heading.
Well, what I have done is put the danger in prospective. We have all been fed a lot of inaccurate information regarding strangers and the actual danger they pose.

Most children are harmed by peope they know. Most children are abuducted by people they know.

So, while that prospective might not help some, knowing the real statitics, and knowing we have been at the mercy of media ratings regading strangers, I choose to be cautious, but not overly -concerned.

The entire stranger abduction, , the whole stranger-danger hysteria, the devil -worshipping -day -care cults of the 1980's CA etc are creations of media, and do not reflect the true picture of danger.

Whether this approach can counter- act the media-frenzy culture that most people are dealing with, I don't know. But putting things in the correct context is a help to me.
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