12 y.o. ds who intentionally pees on his carpet - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 11:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by teastaigh View Post
I remember being so alone at night. I had no idea that my adulthood
would include the absolute loving, warm security of sleeping next to
my dear husband.

That so sums up my feelings as well. Boy would it have made my childhood better to have known my dh was waiting for me and I would not have to be afraid and alone!
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#92 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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This is a teenager, a junior high student, a boy who will be driving in four years.
First of all, he's not a teenager.

Second, what does "a boy who will be driving in four years" have to do with anything? That's four years!! My son is 13.5, and he doesn't even look like the same person that he looked like at 12. Between August, 2005 and August, 2006, he gained 35 pounds, about six inches in height, started growing body hair and his face changed shape. In just one year, he changed totally. I have no idea what he'll look like, act like or think like by the time he's 16! At 12, he was still a kid - at 13, he was a full-blown teenager. But, that's not about the calendar. He has a few male friends who hit puberty several months or a year before he did, and he has several male friends who aren't there yet.

Third - this:
Quote:
He was scared to tell his mom because it is silly. He peed on the floor because he was afraid of the dark. Who wouldn't be afraid to admit that, much less a 12 year old boy.
Why the part I bolded? Why does he deserve so much more crap for being 12? If this boy is so terrified that he'd rather pee on his carpet than get up at night, then he's having a brutally hard time. Who wants to tell their mom that they're terrified when there are so many people who will dismiss that terror as "silly"? Who are you (or me or anybody else) to decide that someone else's fears are "silly"?

I'm not 12. I'm 38. I'm terrified of spiders...I mean terrified like if I see one in my room, I won't sleep that night, and maybe not the next night. I would hold it for hours if my only choice were to get up at night, if I had reason to think there was a spider in the room. I'm aware it's not rational, and I'm sure the OP's son knows that his fear of the dark isn't rational. But, why isn't a 12 year old boy allowed to be terrified of something when grown men and women are afraid? Why should his fears be dismissed like that?


I cannot believe there are people on this thread who actually dismissed this as "normal teenage laziness", just because the boy initially said he didn't want to get up to use the toilet. I've been around a lot of teenagers in my time (friends of the family, then my brother's friends, then my friends, now ds1's friends) and some of them have been poster children for laziness. None of them would have peed on their carpet. The simple fact that the boy did this is a sign that something is wrong.

OP: Kudos to you for trying to find a way to deal with this and for having your son's trust to the extent that he was willing to tell you he's scared.

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#93 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 04:47 PM
 
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One thing I'm wondering is if some people think that compassion and understanding for the boy equates to saying "it's ok to pee on the floor."

I've posted several times in this thread, all empathizing with the boy and offering some perspective to share the empathy. I didn't, however, say that the OP should just say "Oh well, he's scared, he can pee on the carpet." I wholeheartedly disagree with that sentiment. This needs to be SOLVED - both because there is something going on with this boy (he's scared or something else) and also because it's just not ok to be peeing on the carpet!

Also in terms of responsibility, I don't see anyone suggesting that he should not have to clean it up. Personally, I - with love and empathy - would have him clean it up, just like the OP did (and like her, I would probably sneak in later and make sure the job was thorough, beyond what we would expect a 12 year old to do). I wouldn't make the cleaning a punishment, either - just a fact of life. If he missed the toilet peeing standing up, it would be his job to clean that too. If I spill a drink, I clean it up. If I track mud on the carpet, I clean it up. Just the way it goes. (One exception for me is - if a child is ill and vomiting, I think a parent should clean that up ).

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#94 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 06:11 PM
 
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yeah, I think peeing on the floor is the symptom, not the problem......
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#95 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
One thing I'm wondering is if some people think that compassion and understanding for the boy equates to saying "it's ok to pee on the floor."

I've posted several times in this thread, all empathizing with the boy and offering some perspective to share the empathy. I didn't, however, say that the OP should just say "Oh well, he's scared, he can pee on the carpet." I wholeheartedly disagree with that sentiment. This needs to be SOLVED - both because there is something going on with this boy (he's scared or something else) and also because it's just not ok to be peeing on the carpet!

Also in terms of responsibility, I don't see anyone suggesting that he should not have to clean it up. Personally, I - with love and empathy - would have him clean it up, just like the OP did (and like her, I would probably sneak in later and make sure the job was thorough, beyond what we would expect a 12 year old to do). I wouldn't make the cleaning a punishment, either - just a fact of life. If he missed the toilet peeing standing up, it would be his job to clean that too. If I spill a drink, I clean it up. If I track mud on the carpet, I clean it up. Just the way it goes. (One exception for me is - if a child is ill and vomiting, I think a parent should clean that up ).
:
I agree completely...including the part about a vomiting child. I sure don't want to have to clean it up myself when I'm sick!

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#96 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 06:35 PM
 
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this is a toughie...i'm no expert but i think maybe a man should discuss this with him. men do some weird things for reasons that would dumbfound a woman. 2 years ago my little b-i-l was 11 and we were renting the basement of their family home (also shared with older b-i-l who is in his late 20s). it's a long story but we discovered that older b-i-l was urinating into pop bottles and keeping them (uncovered!) in his room when one of the cats knocked a bottle over. it was disgusting...he said it was because he didn't feel like getting up to use the washroom (which was about 15 feet away from his room)...shortly thereafter we were watching younger b-i-l overnight. late that night he got up frantically looking for a bottle to pee in, instead of going across the hall to his private washroom! i was livid, but tried to be gentle with him. he's always been really good about talking to me but this was one situation that i couldn't help him with. guys and their penile issues...it's not something they usually want their female relatives involved with...

good luck to you!
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#97 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 08:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by stacey2061 View Post
this is a toughie...i'm no expert but i think maybe aman should discuss this with him. men do some weird things for reasons that would dumbfound a woman. 2 years ago my little b-i-l was 11 and we were renting the basement of their family home (also shared with older b-i-l who is in his late 20s). it's a long story but we discovered that older b-i-l was urinating into pop bottles and keeping them (uncovered!) in his room when one of the cats knocked a bottle over. it was disgusting...he said it was because he didn't feel like getting up to use the washroom (which was about 15 feet away from his room)...shortly thereafter we were watching younger b-i-l overnight. late that night he got up frantically looking for a bottle to pee in, instead of going across the hall to his private washroom! i was livid, but tried to be gentle with him. he's always been really good about talking to me but this was one situation that i couldn't help him with. guys and their penile issues...it's not something they usually want their female relatives involved with...

good luck to you!
Stacey: OT but do you know if they were circumcised as infants? There are some studies which show infant circumcision can have long term effects. Here's one: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...&dopt=Abstract Maybe that's one of the reasons boys/men seem to have penis issues.

To the OP: I'm glad you talked with your son until you understood what was bothering him. You sound like a great mom By the way, have you mentioned to him that he might want to drink less in the hour before bed? Maybe that would help eliminate the problem. Note that I'm not saying to withhold drinks from him, I think that's mean; instead just run the idea of him cutting back before bed.

~Nay

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#98 of 104 Old 11-22-2006, 08:09 PM
 
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Also, and this is simply my opinion, I think that we should all try to practice gentle living by accepting that anyone who takes the time to post is trying their best based on their life experiences and what they know about gentle living, and that the best responses to those less than stellar remarks should encourage gentleness, understanding, and perhaps a book recommendation rather than hateful comments like "why the hell are you posting on this board and I hope you never have kids because you really suck dog farts."

Let's try to be nicer all around. (Myself included! : )

~Nay

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#99 of 104 Old 11-24-2006, 04:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
I don't think a nightlight is enough for me, it has to illuminate the room well.

Until the light comes on, I'm irrational. I whine, I plead, I yell, I bang on the wall. Sometimes I even cry. I've never peed on the floor, but who knows.

So I like the nightlight idea but I like even better the idea of a lamp RIGHT BESIDE THE BED that is easy to turn on in a second. No need to get up - just right there. See if your son likes that idea. Maybe even one of those touch-lamps so he doesn't have to fumble with a switch - just reach out, and it's on.
Or, maybe a couple of lamps hooked to a clapper. You know, you clap your hands and the lights come on.

I had (and still do sometimes) very vivid nightmares when I was going through puberty. Even now when I wake up I'm scared to death and can't go back to sleep for a long time. I envy people who don't have dreams. My dreams are so vivid sometimes, I have to work really hard not remember them during the day and shudder.

Heck, I'm 30 years old and I'm not a chicken about anything (except spiders), so if it scares ME it can certainly scare a 12 year old.
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#100 of 104 Old 11-24-2006, 05:06 PM
 
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is he still asleep while he does it?

My son wakes up half way sometimes and will pee on the wall next to the toilet... on accident

he wet his pants the other day because he just didn't want to get up from playing... I had him put the pants in the washer...


He has to let me know when this happens.. but he also knows that everybody makes mistakes and no one is mad at him for it... just don't hide it in a pile in the closet so i have to discover it on my own.

Loving Dh, Mama x 4, Surrogate mother to 5. A born 2003, M and R girl/girl twins 2006, S and C boy/girl twins born 2010. Processing/healing.
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#101 of 104 Old 11-25-2006, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by AntoninBeGonin View Post
Also, and this is simply my opinion, I think that we should all try to practice gentle living by accepting that anyone who takes the time to post is trying their best based on their life experiences and what they know about gentle living, and that the best responses to those less than stellar remarks should encourage gentleness, understanding, and perhaps a book recommendation rather than hateful comments like "why the hell are you posting on this board and I hope you never have kids because you really suck dog farts."

Let's try to be nicer all around. (Myself included! : )

~Nay
I've been incredibly busy with the holidays these past few days & haven't had a chance to respond at all. When I read this the other night I laughed so hard I think I peed myself a little.

My ds hasn't done it since. I got him one of those new light show night lights & he seems satisfied with that at night for now. I haven't gotten to the medical supply store yet to find the urinal but he seems to be getting up at night to go to the bathroom fine as long as the pathway is lit.

I used to be so afraid of the dark, too. Like I told him, sometimes people cannot understand how that affects a person because they've not experienced it. For the few of you on this thread who seem want to judge him for this act, you don't understand....apparently you can't understand. I'm so glad, for his sake, he's my child & not yours. I don't claim to always handle things the best way, but in this instance I'm pretty shocked at the few harsh suggestions & disappointed that those are coming from someone at MDC. I've left the negative, unhelpful comments where they lie because they are of no use to me.

He doesn't seem to be sleepwalking when he's doing this....I think it's a conscious choice. In his mind, the consiqences of the action are worth it if it means he doesn't have to face whatever is scaring the crap out of him in the dark. I can understand that. I don't like it but I understand. I think it's very important for him to take responsibilty for his actions, which is why he had to clean it up. It's NOT okay to pee on the carpet. I never said it was, nor do I think anyone else thinks his reason for peeing on the carpet make it okay.

I am having him re-evaluated at the nearest public school to see if some of his behaviors are more than your typical child with ADHD. He does have some Asperger's traits & I need to know how to better help him grow up to be a functioning member of society. I'll update when I know more.

Shannon
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#102 of 104 Old 11-26-2006, 02:49 AM
 
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I am glad that so far the lights are working out, that is wonderful. I just wanted to say that I can totally feel for your DS. My husband and I moved into a house a few years back that was really, really frightening. I mean, there was some crazy, scary stuff that happened there.... enough so that we only stayed for 3 weeks (and my husband doesn't believe in the paranormal, but he was scared enough to pack his bags to live in a moving truck rather than stay there any longer). Anyhow, at 20 years old, I was so frightened in this house that I gave myself a bladder infection because I REFUSED to get out of bed at night to pee. I would lay awake all night holding it in, but just couldn't get out of the bed because I was afraid of what I would see in the next room or around the corner if I tried to walk there. and this was at 20! I can really feel with a 12 year old who is so frightened by the dark and things that he sees and hears in the dark. I am so happy for your son that he has you as his mom.... someone who is kind and gentle and understanding and patient! Keep at it, mama!

Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

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#103 of 104 Old 11-26-2006, 04:27 AM
 
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Another entry in the "everything should be this simple" catagory: After a move, ElderSon, at 7 or so, started wetting the bed. Oh, no, an emotional response to moving! He must be so upset and can't express it! I even got as far as looking into referrals for counselling. Well, it took a week or so, but we finally figured it out. We had moved from a warm, tropical climate to the mountains. He had never had his feet be cold in his life. The hardwood floors just felt too weird to him. We solved the problem - he started wearing socks to bed!

I don't mean to either make light of the OP's situation, or suggest that her situation is the same. Just thought it was a funny story, and sometimes the solution to a problem is so much simpler than it seems.

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#104 of 104 Old 01-01-2014, 09:48 PM
 
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Well I use to pee on my carpet at 16 : I was in a foster home and had major probs from my step dad, I say get him in concelling or something, there has to be some kinda underlying problem.

I have to ask, why did you use to pee on the carpet? What did that do for you? And I am asking you this very sincerely because I am having this problem with my now 13 year old son and it is not done in the middle of the night and I am so frustrated and concerned for him. Never mind how angry I am about the physical damage it is doing to our house.

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