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more teen problems. another wwyd?

1K views 14 replies 13 participants last post by  Eli's_mommy 
#1 ·
i wont even go into how many problems i am having with my teen. there isnt enough room here.

the problem i have right now is that my son recently decided that he wanted to take the medication for his ADD. i was skeptical b/c i thought he may want to sell it. he has been less than honest on many occasions in the last year or so. but, i took him to the dr. and purchased the medication for him. i thought he was taking it. i dont give him access to the medication and he comes in every morning to get the medication from me.

yesterday a friend of mine picked him up from school yesterday and he confided in her that he isnt taking his medication. i dont what he is doing with it. if hes palming it/cheeking it and then selling it at school. i dont know.

but more importantly, right now, how do i deal with this? i dont want to rat my friend out (she's here..im sure she will chime in) but i need to confront my son. he is on the verge of going to live with his dad b/c he has gotten in so much trouble lately. he is doing poorly in school. he has stolen. he has taken a car and doesnt have a license. you name it, he's done it in the last 6 months.

i cancelled his dr. appt. today b/c im not going to pay a copay for a dr. appt. to access how he's doing on his meds when he is claiming he hasnt even been taking them.

how would you get to this information? prefarably by not ratting out my friend?

tia

rach (who is breathign very deeply right now..i feel like hiding under the blankets right now and not comign out for awhile).
 
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#2 ·
I think if he told your friend that he's not taking it, on some level he wants to be "caught." He must have expected your friend to tell you what was up. If it's really important to your friend that he doesn't know that she told you already, maybe she could call him and tell him that if he doesn't tell you, she will... but really, I think he knows she will.

I think you do need to confront him about it, yes. If he honestly wants the medication to treat his ADD, maybe you can get it in a liquid form.

Why will he be sent to live with his dad if he gets into more trouble? Is dad's house a punishment? It sounds like you'll reject him if he doesn't start acting better, and that's not good... I'm not saying that dad's house might not be a better place for him to live at the moment - I don't know, maybe it would be - but the current framework isn't right.

And I hate to sound like a broken record, but family counseling sounds like a good idea...

dar
 
#5 ·
I agree with Dar that it sounds like he wants to be caught. I'd discuss it as calmly as you can with him. Does he want to live with his dad? Is his dad involved in his life now? Best of luck to you and your Ds with all of this. I know it can't be easy.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by aisraeltax View Post
i cancelled his dr. appt. today b/c im not going to pay a copay for a dr. appt. to access how he's doing on his meds when he is claiming he hasnt even been taking them.

rach (who is breathign very deeply right now..i feel like hiding under the blankets right now and not comign out for awhile).
Deep breaths, very good for you.

I would reschedule the doctor's appointment and make an appointment with a councilor as soon as you can.

You want your son to develop good morals and ethics. You should remind him that bad choices are wrong. But take it from me, if a child is having chemical problems in the brain, it is totally unfair to deny them the very resource that could help them. You want him to develop good morals and ethics. But if his impulses aren't always in his control, his caretaker needs to take steps to help eliminate that obstacle.

When boys get older they can benefit from a strong male role model. Perhaps your son would make some progress with his dad. I totally agree, though, don't frame it like it's punishment. If you opt to send him to his dad, he should know that what his dad has to offer is different and special.

As far as ratting out your friend is concerned, he's your son. You have a right to that information about your child (He's not 18 y.o., right?). I wouldn't fib. I'd simply say, my friend says you're not taking your meds, is this correct? (What's going to happen? He'll be mad at your friend? Oh well, people get mad.) It's fair to say you can't afford to pay for them if he's not going to take them.
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Dar View Post
Why will he be sent to live with his dad if he gets into more trouble? Is dad's house a punishment? It sounds like you'll reject him if he doesn't start acting better, and that's not good... I'm not saying that dad's house might not be a better place for him to live at the moment - I don't know, maybe it would be - but the current framework isn't right.

And I hate to sound like a broken record, but family counseling sounds like a good idea...

dar
i say he will have to go live with his dad because i just do not know what to do anymore. this is not hte first thing he has done. he has gotten himself arrested b/c he took a car and drove it without a license, he stole a backpack from another kid b/c i didnt buy him the ONE he wanted (after i bought him a perfectly good one and 2 like he wanted, but those 2 he tore up); he has been failing in school; he has been getting detention over detention; he has been suspended once at school for the stealing. he has been partaking in drugs, he curses at me; he ignores me, etc. etc. i could go on and on about what he's done but the bottom line is that i dont know what to do anymore.

i want to go to counseling but he refuses to go. i cant drag a kid that is 6'2 and G-d only knows how much he weighs to a therapist. its not like this is my 8 year old or my 11 month old; whom he is also influencing.

he is lazy. he doesnt want to do anything around the house. those are the "rest of the story" issues.

dads is not a good place. I have always taken care of him. Dad has never paid any form of child support on any regular basis. he is not a good role model. he is not a good place for my ds to be, but i just do not konw what to do. i have tried giving my son 2nd chances over and over and over (i have posted about some of them here). just seems that each time i get optimistic that anything good will happen with him, something else bad happens.

i hate feelign like i am giving up but i honestly do not know what else to do right now, which is why i posted.

i am not trying to deny my son services. but there is no reason to go to a dr. appt. for medication accessment when the kid isnt even taking his medication.
 
#9 ·
I would call the doctor's office and reschedule the appointment for med monitoring. And then I would talk to the doctor about what you know - that your son has been "cheeking" the meds and selling them, and that he's had these other problems with impulsive behavior (the stealing and destroying his stuff) and with other drugs - before the appointment. You and the doc need to evaluate if his issues might be helped by medication, and if he should therefore be switched to a liquid or a less saleable commodity.

More importantly, I would hope that the doc would be able to hook you up with some resources for both your son and yourself. You can't force a teenager to counselling, but there may be resources available to support parents who are struggling with situations like this one.
 
#11 ·
this is just another episode in the "drama king" i get from my son.

apparently he told my friend he wasnt taking them b/c he doesnt want anyone to konw there is anything "wrong" with him.

this baffled me b/c i give him the meds every morning and i was so confused that i could be tricked like that.

i did explain to the dr. why we cancelled the appt. i do plan on rescheduling it, but not until after i cleared this up. i didnt want to go to the dr. office fighting with this kid. thats happened before and its not pretty.

i dont want to tell the dr. that he is selling the medication if i dont know for sure. that offense is pretty serious and the dr. will not have to respect patient privacy in that situation.

thanks for all the replies. at least for now im comfortable with his explanation. its just so hard when i dont know whether/not to believe him.
 
#12 ·
Hugs to you. I would talk to him and tell him that you are worried about him since the medicine doesn't seem to be working. If he doesn't 'fess up, then I would probably have to tell the doctor that he isn't taking it, explain the situation, and then take him to the doctor.

M
 
#13 ·
if you're unsure if he's taking the meds or not ask the doc to run a blood test to see how much of it he has in his system.....

those tests don't lie.....

and it might be a way to open up a conversation between you, son and doc about your son's problems and how everyone involved can help him
 
#14 ·
I know just how frustrating this is. I had two who were determined to make me crazy: they abused me and the little ones, were always in trouble in school, mad eour home a living hell. And it went on for years.

YOu can't drag him to counseling. But if you tell him you've decided to go and talk to someone about your relationship with each other, curiousity will drag him there within a few weeks. Invite him to join you, when he refuses, say something like, "Oh, good. I have a lot I want to talk about anyway. I'll see you in a few hours." And getting him to go will help.

How about a vacation at his dad's? A few weeks for you to have a break?

And just so you know, my oldest did go to live with her dad. After accusing my dh of being abusive, ...then called me a few weeks later and said her dad was. SHe had already told our biggest mouthed neighbor dh was beating her, now she said her father was. She bounced back and forth for a few years, put herself through college after she lost her scholship for goofing off, and is now the nicest young woman I know. Not sure HOW that happened.

Ds, was a hellion. Kicked out of school in the 4th grade for hitting a teacher after years of them bending over backwards to help him. Beat my younger girls regularly, finally told the SAME FREAKING NEIGHHBOR that I was abusive. ANd told his rather over-indulgent, not related, difficult to explain, grandparents we wouldn't let him go to school or church "Like a normal boy" when he was 15. And since they were soooo into believing him and we were sooo miserable, I let him go live with them! SOunds bad, worked great. My life was peaceful, my younger girls were finally able to wak around their own home unafraid. Now he's on the DEAN'S list, putting himself through college, has a girlfriend that is incredibly sweet. Don't know quite how that happened either.

My 3 youngest are sweet and easy, would never THINK of hitting me or even yelling.

My point is that, in time, your good parenting WILL take effect. Your son will, most likely, figure things out. (Ds has adhd and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and seems fine now.) Don't give up, it's worth it. And if you have to let him go to finish growing up elsewhere, then do it. Find him a safe, loving place, maybe not his dad. But continue to let him know that you love him and know he's going to do well in life.

And good luck, honey. I know jsut how miserable it all is.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma's_Mommy View Post
if you're unsure if he's taking the meds or not ask the doc to run a blood test to see how much of it he has in his system.....

those tests don't lie.....

and it might be a way to open up a conversation between you, son and doc about your son's problems and how everyone involved can help him
Ooooh... good idea. Would that be a hard thing to do?
Maybe not say you think he's selling it to the doc, but tell him you're afraid he's just not taking it???
 
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