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"Hook Up"

3K views 22 replies 16 participants last post by  coolmom2 
#1 ·
My 13 year old daughter told me today that a boy wants to "hook up" with her. I'm assuming that she means french kissing. I don't want her to get hurt, because she also told me that the boy isn't looking for a relationship. He wants to hook up for fun. How do I handle this? My daughter isn't sure what she wants to do, and I'm not going to force her to do anything (or not to anything!)
 
#3 ·
I personally have never heard the term "hook up" in reference to french kissing.

However, it does have a lot of meanings. One could say, "Hey, you want to hook up sometime this weekend?", which could simply mean, "Let's get together and hang out". It could also be used in reference to a quick fling ("I hooked up with this guy last summer..."), and it can also refer to sex. It can also refer to making out, which could, I guess, mean he wants to french kiss.

Maybe you could ask her what exactly he means?
 
#6 ·
thanks anana
that should help. Well I talked to my daughter and she said he was referencing to making out, french kissing. My daughter told me she has done it once with a guy from camp, but doesn't know if this school guy might be using her. Any suggestions?
 
#7 ·
I think your dd's instincts about this guy are right on - he might be using her.

Kissing and "making out" should be activities that people engage in only when they care deeply about each other, and not just "for fun" or for the physical pleasure associated with them. I would point out to your dd that while she may care deeply about this boy, it's clear from his statement that he "wants to hook up for fun" that he doesn't care deeply about her.

It seems like your dd is pretty open with you. It sounds like you have a fantastic opportunity here to open communication about relationships.

Do you think your dd would be open to a conversation about what she wants from a relationship with a boy, and whether or not this particular boy is likely to fulfil her expectations?

And, at the same time, do you think she might be trying to ask you to help set boundaries for her? I had an agreement with my parents when I was a teenager, where I could ask them to deny me permission for things my friends were doing that I felt uncomfortable with. That way, I didn't have to look uncool to my friends by saying I didn't want to do the same things they did. I didn't use it often, but it was frequently in the back of my head that I could count on my parents to absolutely forbid me to do certain things if I asked them to, and use their "disapproval" instead of exposing my own discomfort.
 
#9 ·
I think it's important to define how a person might be using the phrase "hook up". Ive never heard it used to mean french kissing. I have heard it used to mean sex, and I have mostly heard it used to mean "getting together" or as a "date".

It could be a really casual term for him, or it could mean something more in depth. I would just try to get more info.
 
#11 ·
Wow!

I always heard hook up to be in reference to going out with someone. I have used this phrase with others and them with me, we never meant it for anything sexual.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by stik View Post
Kissing and "making out" should be activities that people engage in only when they care deeply about each other, and not just "for fun" or for the physical pleasure associated with them.
Well, that's your opinion, and may or may not be shared by the OP's daughter....
 
#13 ·
That is my opinion, and the OP's dd might not share it, but her concern about "being used" suggested to me that she did share it.

I don't actually know the kid, so I could well be wrong.

IMO, a 13-year-old who talks to her mom about whether or not she wants to hook up with a particular boy is making a concious effort to invite parental input into an area of her life that many teens consider intensely private. To me, that indicates that she's concerned about something kids often look to parents for help with - one of those things is clarifying values. Thus, she's offering her mom a fantastic opportunity to clarify some values surrounding relationships and sex. Whether either of them agrees with my perspective on relationships and their physical aspects or not.

Also, she's offering her mom an opportunity to propose some strategies for saying no, as well as for saying yes. Looking at the idea that kissing and making out should be signs of deep emotional connection is one tool a 13-year-old could use to say no to a boy who wants to hook up "for fun."

Again, I don't actually know the kid, so I could well be wrong.

Edited because I got the age wrong.
 
#14 ·
Thanks for all your input. My daughter also said that there has been a lot of rubbing up against eachother and grinding at some of the parties she goes to, and she's unsure of whether it's okay. I'm so happy she feels comfortable enough to tell me this. I had a long discussion with my daughter about how girls who let anyone use their body end up feeling awful in the long run. I told her that if it feels right, it might be okay, but to always make sure that you trust the guy. I also let her know that while this may not be the biggest reason to hold back, she should protect her reputation. I let her know that if people see her grinding or making out with (she clarified that that was defnitely what the guy was talking about), she might be considered a slut. She was horrified at the prospect.

We're just going to play things by ear, and I let her know that she can talk to me whenever she needs to.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by stik View Post
Kissing and "making out" should be activities that people engage in only when they care deeply about each other, and not just "for fun" or for the physical pleasure associated with them.

hmmmmm..... I loved making out as a teenager. I made out with as many boys as I could! It was fun and I certainly didn't have to 'care' about the boy......


What's wrong with pleasure?
:

To each his own huh????!!!!!

To the OP: I love the relationship you have with your daughter. My son is almost 13 and we talk a lot. I hope my 11 year old daughter talks with me the way yours does. My son did tell me the other day that he can't help but look at the girls who wear low cut shirts!!! He said he tries to look away and just can't! Bless his sweet heart.....
 
#17 ·
I am so thrilled that your dd talks to you about this! OMG!
There is hope!
My dd just turned one and I am so frightful- cause if she is anything like I was- well....

Guys like to make out and kiss sure- the problem is the stopping them from the next step? At least at this point he seems to be honest.
My first "hook up" this guy asked me to be his girlfriend- I was thrilled! We made out and he felt me up( big deal to me then!) and the next day he broke up with me- he just said all of it to get some and was using me.

AWFUL.
I would have to say- things are different for girls ands I was hurt each time a boy betrayed me- even when I played along - it hurts. Especially at 13.
 
#19 ·
Personally I plan to teach my 12yo that making out and having sex for fun is not ok. I want her to respect herself and the person she is with. If we teach our young daughters now that we condone this behavior we are setting them up to be hurt terribly in the future.
 
#20 ·
I gave her some articles to read and discuss with me, which she was happy and even excited to do. I can tell that she's definitely looking for someone to guide her, and I'm glad that she's picked me! She didn't make out with the original boy, and now more and more have been asking her. You would think that a 13 year old girl would be flattered. Thankfully, she knows what to say- partly from our discussions. When guys ask her to make out, she asks if they like her and would go out with her. She told me that she even said to one guy - "prove that you like me first!"
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by coolmom2 View Post
I gave her some articles to read and discuss with me, which she was happy and even excited to do. I can tell that she's definitely looking for someone to guide her, and I'm glad that she's picked me! She didn't make out with the original boy, and now more and more have been asking her. You would think that a 13 year old girl would be flattered. Thankfully, she knows what to say- partly from our discussions. When guys ask her to make out, she asks if they like her and would go out with her. She told me that she even said to one guy - "prove that you like me first!"
I just think it's so wonderful that your dd can talk to you about this. I hope I have as close a relationship with my dd when she's that age!

Perhaps even more important, I think it's wonderful that your daughter thinks highly enough of herself to be able to say no to a guy. A lot of girls at that age (and older!) are so flattered that a guy is interested in them that they'll do just about anything to keep that attention. Then, when the guy moves on, there can be a lot of devastated feelings. And yes, this is the voice of experience speaking!
 
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