The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
|Originally posted by orphie
I'm freaking out! I just found out my 14-year-old daughter is 1) sneaking around behind my back, and 2) having oral and manual sex with her 14-year-old boyfriend!
Of course she is sneaking behind your back! Do you thisnk she will come right out with it in the open?
Look. If she is indulging in this behavior of her own volition, then I'd say she is phycologically ready for fore-play. The shock you must be feeling is that suddenly she is not your baby any more.
As for reading her journal, that was a big mistake. The basis of a secure relationship between teens and parents is trust. That is undermined. If you ever let on, you will lose all trust and respect for the rest of her teen ears, and any leverage will be gone.
You may say that you did it to confirm what you already suspected, but then why did you not ask her up front (if you thought is was any of your business)?
The issue now really is how do you get out from the corner you have painted yourself into?
Teens have huge respect for mums that are cool.
Recognise what are, and are not your responsibilities as a parent.
Generally, by the time the child is 14, I'd say the responsibilities of parents would cover the following:
How aquire and use a condom.
The dangers of intravenous drugs.
The Pill and how to get on it.
What to do if she thinks she is pregnant.
What to do if she is being coersed unwillingly into sexual activity.
Responsibilities do not include:
Who and when she willingly has sex with.
If you think you can bully, coerse, persude, bribe or in any way forcibly alter her current behavior, you are deluded and will fail.
On the other hand, if you support her, love her, be honest, respect her decisions, remain open and be her most loyal friend, she will come to you, respect you, love you, and most important of all, strive not to hurt or disappoint you.
It is in this way that your best shot at influencing her lie. Woman to woman.
I have little information on your family or your ethics, but you obviously love your child. There is perhaps much re-positioning of your role as parent of a child to parent of a young adult to friend of another adult. That is sometimes really hard, and we are never really ready for it.
I wish you the very best of luck.
If it were my daughter I would probably start by talking to the other parents. They are all going to be embarrassed and hurt and probably blame your daughter for being the instigator. Communication with the boyfriend's parents is a must.
I don't think it is a parent's job to be cool in their kid's eyes. My job is for my kids to think I'm the biggest dweeb there is. My self esteem can take it! But I want my kids to know that they can tell mom because MOM WILL DO THE RIGHT THING - which is different than the cool thing and most kids know this. Your daughter knows that all this sneaking around is wrong because she is sneaking around.
Sure there will come a time when she can move out of the house and be responsible for her own actions. Until that time YOU are responsible for her actions. If she crashes a car, gets arested or gets pregnant then, unless you are ready to drop her off in foster care, you are responsible legally and morally.
I do not know a single ADULT who is still mad at their parents for intervening to keep them from getting into deeper trouble when they were teens. But I do know some adults who still BLAME their parents for NOT getting involved when they knew that something was wrong.
good luck! We are ALL going to have to go through these kind of things.
Many here do not have a teen yet so they really do not understand why you would go through a journal. It isn't the right thing to do but it is sometimes what a desperate mom does and they do it because they love their child and want what is best for them.
Funny, I don't worry about my boys nearly as much.
SO glad my older dd was a late bloomer.
Last year I mentioned her secretive relationship with the boy next door, she was shocked that I knew. How did I know? I just knew. Ok with me, perfectly normal in my eyes. She was 15 or 16 when it started. She is a 17.5 year old virgin today.
Of course, I know him and his family well, and I know my dd's intentions and goals. No doubt that it makes things easier and more relaxed. I honestly viewed it as a healthy relationship.
I was actually surprised at how "OK" I was with the situation, I can be such a "prude."
As far as reading your dd's diary, I understand how a mother might need the insight if communications aren't that good at the time, and a teen's well being is the #1 priority. I will admit to snooping at times.
What a transition... they were such beautiful babies!
My best to you,
That does not make any sense at all, treating children differently based on gender. And he ended up getting a girl pregnant while still in high school - all "her fault", of course. (According to my mother and others like her who believe in double standards.)
If you recently moved she's going through alot. WHile you've probably asked her how it was all going before, it's different when you say, 'I know what's going on'.
I'd be shocked if this was my daughter, too, but she's not too far off the norm, really. Don't panic. Maybe you can get her involved in some activities...swim team or family night with you and hubby at the Y, sewing classes or karate....anything that will keep her busy, and out of mischief.
Ane remember, the best thing about teenagers is that once they're 18, you're not the one who's going to jail, no matter what they do!
|Originally posted by orphie
. . . so we will confront her on Monday with our suspicions and the evidence we gathered.
Looks like you have made up your mind. I hope it turns out ok. At the eleventh hour though, I'd like to gently suggest you re-consider.
Look at what you have written. You have designed in a confrontation. Is that necessary? Can it not be done on a more woman to woman level. Teens crave respect. If you demote her to "immature child" status, that is the role she will take.
Suspicions and evidence gathered... looks more like the inquisition than love and support.
Anyway, that is how a teen will view it.
Can not a more understanding approach be made to thi young lady?
I fear you may win the battle,
And lose the war.
Please think on it.
She goes to her dr. by herself and I have encouraged her to be proactive about contraception (condoms are a must, something else to help prevent pregnancy) if she is sexually active and I'm pretty sure she has a Rx for birth control. I'm not naive and I was having sex at 16 so I wanted her to know that she was in control of her own destiny, body and future and she needed to take that control. I never dreamed she would hook up with a 25 yo!!!!
Anyway, she was not the only one of her group of friends that "dated" this guy. Come to find out he had had sex with numerous girls that hung out with my dd. This was bordering on pedophilia to me...they were all barely 16 (the age of adult consent in my state).
We had to take priviledges away (her car, any contact with her friends outside of our house, any contact with this guy, etc.). She still continued to go behind our backs with a hotmail account, he would meet her at work, etc. AFter threatening him with a restraining order, he finally quit seeing her.
Anyway, I could go on and on but the bottom line is that your daughter betrayed your trust. Plain and simple. She is exhibiting self destructive behavior and you must intervene. Whatever your methods are, she needs your guidance, your love, and your forgiveness. But she also needs to rebuild the trust she broke with you.
Happily, now that this is behind her, my 17 yo dd thanks us for intervening and totally understands why we did what we did.
Good luck and I hope things turn out for the best!
She is on the cusp of adulthood and she knows it. She is pushing the limits, not unlike a toddler who wants to know how close is too close to the busy street. Despite her protestations there may even be a small part of her that is relieved that you are stopping her from going to far.
Keep up the good work mom!
My daughter was convinced that what she did (lie, sneak around, etc as well as see a 25 yo) was not "wrong" either. It was only when it came out in the open that he was sleeping with other girls in her circle of friends that she saw our side of the issue.
I hope things start to go better for you and for your daughter. I know how stressful this is. But if you give in now on any issue, you stand the chance of having this happen over & over again.
In the end, we can only do our best and hope our children grow up well in spite of us.
I don't mean to sound blaming with this but there is a parallel that has emerged that you might not have considered. Your DD lyed and snuck behind your back. You snuck behind her back in reading her journal. She does not feel remorse. You state that you would also repeat your actions if you thought it were necessary.
I would like to suggest reframing your interactions with your daughter for a while by introducing her to some acceptable risk taking. Moutnain climbing, sky diving, flying lessons-anything that she is interesting to her and won't give you too bad of a heart attack . This will accomplish two things-one it will give her less time to engage what you see as unacceptable behavior and two-it will give her a new set of peers. Ideally you could do this together, but even if it means for her to go by herself, you can still be involved by taking her and hosting get togethers with her new friends. Even if she already engages in some type of acceptable risk taking, trying something new might give her a broader view of what different possibilities life has to offer.
In the end, she will engage in foreplay and sex, it's just a question of how old she is before this becomes a part of her life. It might help you to define for yourselves how old your comfort level is, even if this is, in the end, not how long your dd ends up waiting.
I hope this helps. I'm having a terrible, panicy PMS so if I have stated things in an offensive way, I would like to apologize in advance.
Much love and strength to you!
My dd is still grounded for her surreptitious behavior (until March 13), so things have been pretty calm. We have been talking a lot, just snatches of valuable conversation here and there. She still believes that we 'made' her engage in foreplay with her boyfriend because we were too strict. She won't even consider the fact that she is the only one who is accountable for her actions. Also, she still insists that what she did is not considered 'sex.' I think we will gradually let her earn back her privileges, but until I see that she is ready to take responsibility for her actions, I don't think she'll be going anywhere unmonitored or unaccompanied by a parent. Does anyone have any thoughts on this accountability issue? Is it too late to reverse this sense of entitlement that she has?
Also, I've read the book Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, and it's given me some great insight into the adolescent girls' psyche. My dd is reading it now. I'm hoping we'll be a little closer to being 'on the same page' when she's done, and that we will be able to discuss it together.
Of course, I can't really speak for anyone else, but I think if I have to resort to reading someone's journal or looking through their stuff to find out what's going on, I've probably screwed up somewhere. If someone doesn't want to talk to me, it's usually because I've done something wrong.
I used to read people's jounals and e-mails, search their rooms and cars, listen in on their phone calls, and follow them around town. I told myself I was just "checking up on them", supposedly for their sake and mine, but now I know what I was doing - STALKING.
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