Is he overreacting, or am I underreacting?? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 68 Old 12-12-2006, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by HeatherHeather View Post
ETA: What is he trying to teach her by taking her off the Qwest plan? If she still has a phone and a plan, then she could care less I'm sure. Why does he want her off his plan? Why does he think of it as his plan?
These are great questions. His reaction to this incident is telling. It seems like he hasn't accepted her as part of the family. Or maybe the other way around. He doesn't consider himself as part of the family. He's still thinking with a me-against-her mentality.

Is she mouthy to him? Maybe if she lost important things constantly I'd understand his reaction. It would be exacerbating after a while. But what you describe about your daughter indicates she's a reasonably responsible teen, and everybody makes mistakes. His reaction is out of proportion to this incident.


Ack! I only read to the bottom of page 1 and didn't notice pages 2 and 3! Off to read the rest of them.

Originally Posted by Just_Isabel -- But if she paid for her phone, and she is paying for her own bills, why does he care?

Moondiapers -- IF she loses her phone somewhere outside and doesn't notice it, and if someone calls everyone they know and she ends up with a huge bill - just make her pay for it, and she'll learn her lesson well. .
Because most kids can't cover a possible $700 phone bill and his credit could possibly suffer while she's coming up with the money. I know if my child lost her phone and ended up with a bill that high I'd not be able to cover the cost while she earned the money, and my phone would get shut off and my credit dinged.
True, but this did not happen. NOTHING happened to the phone, other than it not being where she expected it to be when she went to look for it. She didn't leave it out side of the house, BECAUSE SHE IS REASONABLY RESPONSIBLE. Truly, not looking for it for a few days is NOT a real issue. And still, what if she'd lost it outside the house and someone ran up a boat load of charges on it, what then? Sounds like a one-off for this girl. She's not a flake, and mess does not equal being a flake. Parents sometimes have to pay a price (literally and figuratively) for their children's mistakes. The OP's dh needs to try to walk on water next time he flips out about his step daughter making a really minor mistake like this. Yes, he has a balancing act to perform here. He should not be disciplining her, as he is not an original parent. Yet I would expect him to accept her and treat her with respect, because, for gosh sake, he knew what he was getting into when he got married. Dd is part of the package. Yes, he's in a difficult spot for a while. So. What. Step parenting is difficult. It's time he accept that.

That eye rolling and finger pointing is utterly childish.


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#62 of 68 Old 12-12-2006, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
She always does exactly what he asks too. ANd, he NEVER loads the dishwasher. LOL He does turn it on though. The dishwasher is her job. BUT, we always have to tell her. Otherwise she would go back to her books or computer or phone. And if I say "Unload the dishwasher when you finish that chapter" she WILL forget before the next sentance.
I'm just going to repeat what others have said here. None of this means she's "lazy", or even disorganized. I can easily forget something that I need to do if I try to finish something else up first. I once had a desk at work that was covered six inches deep in paper. But, I could put my hands on any single item within 10 seconds. Am I lazy? I don't know - I know I've worked a lot of days with no lunch break, and hauled Christmas groceries home on foot while carrying ds1, when I could have left him with the babysitter. I've been accused of always doing things hte hard way. I don't think I'm lazy or disorganized - I just have trouble with priorities sometimes, and organize myself in a different way than a lot of people do.

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#63 of 68 Old 12-16-2006, 01:02 PM
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Yeah, she sounds like me when I was a teen. Super high achiever, and totally messy. I was just organizing differently, and putting my energies into certain things more than others. I punished myself plenty when I tripped up on my own messiness... I would berate myself. I once misplaced my retainer for two weeks (it was under a seat in the van) and I was sick with worry over it... but if it had been lost for good, I would have paid for a new one. That's all. Teens need strong natural consequences, I think, but this seems to be a non issue here. I think it's other stuff that needs to be talked out.
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#64 of 68 Old 12-22-2006, 01:11 AM
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Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
She always does exactly what he asks too. ANd, he NEVER loads the dishwasher. LOL He does turn it on though. The dishwasher is her job. BUT, we always have to tell her. Otherwise she would go back to her books or computer or phone. And if I say "Unload the dishwasher when you finish that chapter" she WILL forget before the next sentance.
I am a bookworm and I still do this. I have it mostly beaten though! :

For jobs around the house I use an eggtimer that rings. I set it to 40 minutes for me to spend online (or whatever) and then I have it next to me. I can see how much time I have left.

If someone asks me to do something I set an alarm for a few minutes if I can't do it right away.

If I need to do something tomorrow (for instance) I set a reminder for myself on my phone, ten minutes before I will do the thing. When the alarm goes off I snooze it once and then it goes off then minutes later. I then ... do the job!

: Helen : Currently a veggie, dready, student, NFL nanny!:
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#65 of 68 Old 12-22-2006, 03:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
This is my fear. That she will not respect him, or worse yet resent him. She has to live with him for a lot of years.

I have raised her differently than anybody else in my family raised thier kids. I chose carefully HOW I wanted to raise her. Everything I did was a well thought out decision. And personally, it has worked. She is a really great kid.

He is strict, and tough. (He wasn't when we got married..he snuck that one in) He thinks she should be way more adult than she is. But, she is NOT an adult. She wont be an adult for a long time.

How do I balance this out for my daughter????
I haven't finished reading all the posts but I wanted to add in my two cents. I had a floor exactly like your daughters when I was her age and even older. I never cooked, never cleaned, etc... we had a maid to do all the cleaning and laundry and I was never forced to do that stuff.
Guess what happened when I decided that I was a big girl and moved out and got married and had a baby??? I learned how to cook and clean and do laundry and all the essentials. There is hope, sooner or later she will learn to pick up her room. I subscribe to the theory that when it comes to these types of responsibilities, there is always time to be a grown up, but there is precious little time to be a kid. Let her enjoy her freedom and social life while she can, she will have to grow up and go through all the daily domestic crap that the rest of us do soon enough. If your DD had developmental issues where life skills training was necessary to learn how to take care of herself then that would be a different story, but she sounds like a bright kid and I am sure she will figure all this stuff out in due time. I'm not saying to not give her any chores or responsibilities, because that is simply part of being in a family unit, everyone has to pull their weight, but she doesn't have to do all the household chores either. I would sit down with DD and figure out what is "do-able" for her in regards to time limits, and then enforce it. As for the messy room, my DS has horrid standards of cleanliness, so the agreement we have come to is that once a week he has to clean it to my satisfaction, and dishes need to be removed at the end of every day.The other 6 days he can float through all the clothes and junk if that's what he wants to do. He also needs to give me his dirty laundry on saturday morning if he wants me to wash it, otherwise he has to do it himself or wear dirty clothes to school. Some people just need clutter to be comfortable and your DD may be that type. I agree with other posters that at this point, DH needs to be left out of these conversations and decisions. It appears to me that he is using her to get even at you because he thinks you are too soft. Until he proves himself more reasonable he will have to remain out of the decision making process. I have no doubt that this will cause more than one fight between the two of you, but at this point IMO you need to protect your daughter from his pettiness and impulsive, bad choice making.



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#66 of 68 Old 12-22-2006, 04:08 AM
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Only read the first page so far, but definitely voting for dh overreacting.

She lost it; it was an honest mistake. She didn't look for it right away, but in her defense she had a foot injury! I agree that not having it to use for the week it was misplaced is probably enough of a consequence - especially if this is the first time she's misplaced it. If it is a common problem then maybe take the phone for the number of days it was lost - though that seems a little odd to me too.
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#67 of 68 Old 12-28-2006, 03:00 PM
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I'm 21. Just last week I spent hours looking for my bank card. Did my fiancee get angry? No. Instead, he helped me look for it. And when I found it, he was relieved, not angry that I couldn't remember putting it in my bag. I would expect nothing less, really. I wasn't angry when he lost his glasses, which still haven't been found. He wasn't angry when I broke his ashtray by accident. And no, we're not one of those couples who never fight. I am quite argumentative by nature, and yet I would never have even thought that temporarily misplacing something would be cause for an argument of any kind. Honest mistakes are so not worth it to me, and really, having to spend some time to look for something and then finding it in perfect condition, I'd hardly even call that a mistake. And I have to agree with all the pp's who said it before, having to look for it is punishment enough. And after all the fuss, I doubt she's going to forget to make sure she knows where the phone is for a while.
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#68 of 68 Old 12-28-2006, 04:16 PM
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Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post

I know this would be good for her. SHe should learn to cook, she should learn to clean. She should learn to at least keep her bathroom in an undiseased condition, even if it is messy.
Your husband is acting like a jerk. However, I have to agree with this. I don't understand why kids are not taught from a young age to clean and pick up after themselves. She has her own bathroom? She should be cleaning it, not you. I WISH I had my own bathroom at her age.

I am not saying kids should do 8 hrs of deep cleaning and scrub floors with a toothbrush. But, they don't lose much "being a kid" time by taking an hour or two a week to pick up, and clean. Everyone in a household should contribute.

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