HELP! My teen does not wipe or flush! - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-10-2006, 09:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What on earth do you do with a kid who doesn't wipe and flush after using the toilet? At fourteen she knows what she needs to do. I am sick to death of soiled undies in the laundry and when she has her period it is even worse. They do get given back to her to clean.
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Old 12-10-2006, 09:55 PM
 
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I guess you can keep on reminding her to flush immediately after she goes and as far as the soiled panties, she is old enough to learn how to do her own laundry. All three of my dc did their own laundry when they hit their teen years. Also, have you explained to her that she could get a urinary trac infection if she does'nt wipe?
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Old 12-10-2006, 09:59 PM
 
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I wonder why she isn't, though. Could she have a yeast infection or something making her area sore? She might be embarrassed to ask about it if that's the case.
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Old 12-10-2006, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We and the doctor have talked to her about infections, just saw her last Friday and will see her again Tuesday. She talks to dd alone, not just with me and I step out for the exams. She says she just gets lazy and forgets. We tried having her do her own laundry but the body odor was building up too much in her room. Her clothes need to be washed every day.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:07 AM
 
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We have the flushing issue at our house.At one point I went so far as to hang a sign from the ceiling in front of the toilet to remind dd to flush. (It didn't help.)

Have you talked to her about her whys behind the problem? My dd has a fear flushing because she doesn't want the toilet to overflow. (happens a lot with older plumbing) Maybe your dd has a similar fear or she's embarassed about what's happening with puberty and is subconciously avoiding it by not caring for her privates. Maybe it's even something as simple as the toilet paper being too rough.

Just remember that even though their body looks big they're still little on the inside. I hope you can find a solution.
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Old 12-11-2006, 12:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've talked until I'm blue in the face. Our toilets don't overflow because we have the new low water toilets that use I think 1.5 gallons unlike the old ones in older homes that used about 5 gallons. She does not have any insight into this problem but denies any discomfort.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:10 PM
 
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I've seen a lot of low-flow toilets get clogged though. That could be an issue.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:37 PM
 
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just recently went through this w/ DS (also 14) so i feel for you. we went through all the discussions of potential infections, rashes, toilet overflow fears, etc and it just came down to him being lazy and forgetful. he does do his own laudry, but i always ask when i'm doing mine or linens if he has anything to go in. between the occasional set of underwear he offered up to go w/ my loads and his bathroom, i was disgusted. at 14, they know better.

i made him start doing his laundry and cleaning his bathroom every. single. day. it had to be part of his evening routine like eating dinner, bathing and doing HW. he got tired of having this extra work real quick and *magic*, problem solved! underwear are all clean/stain-free now and while the bathroom's not perfect (he's still a 14-YO boy), the toilet's not nasty anymore. i still require he clean it twice a week.

oh, and we have the low-flow toilets and they do clog/overflow quite often. drives me nuts.

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Old 12-11-2006, 01:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by momuveight2B View Post
We've talked until I'm blue in the face. Our toilets don't overflow because we have the new low water toilets that use I think 1.5 gallons unlike the old ones in older homes that used about 5 gallons. She does not have any insight into this problem but denies any discomfort.
Even if the toilets don't overflow, it doesn't mean there's not a fear about it. I used to have nightmares about the same thing. Maybe she is afraid to put anything in there (toilet paper) that might explain the reason. As for what to do about it, I think the laundry idea is a good one. It is an important skill anyway, like learning to cook and do dishes. I don't have any other ideas except talking to her about consequences , like Utract infections (which I know you've already done)

Good luck, I know it must be exasperating

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Old 12-11-2006, 01:52 PM
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Mabe she feels that TP doesn't get her clean enough? So she's like "Ah screw it"

See if buying some wetwipes would work. Not the baby or toddler flushable wipes (that would just bruise the ego) But they do make wet wipes for adults too, cottonelle is one brand that comes to mind. Mabe if you get her something that isn't so abrasive (TP Plain sucks...that's all there is to it...I hate TP) she'd be more apt to use it? Like feel real nice n clean after.

Also, mabe find her her own Peri-bottle to use during her moon time. I know I *heart* the clean feeling that the peri bottle gives during AF.

Heck, she might just be a one swipe wiper...and you know that doens't get things clean especially after a BM and during AF.
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Old 12-11-2006, 01:55 PM
 
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Wet wipes are a good idea. Make sure she knows they are flushable

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Old 12-11-2006, 03:05 PM
 
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I think some kids tend to mature a little later than others. But, I really feel like she will finally stop being so piggish. It just doesn't come as quickly to some.

I REALLLLLLLLLY think you need to keep saying something. If you just drop it, she will take that to mean "It's O.K" . But, since this doesn't just affect her, it is also gross to the others who use that toilet, it isn't fair to anybody to just let her outgrow it.

When my daughter does something like this, I leave whatever room it is in, go get her and tell her to "insert what I want her to do". Even though it would have been easier to close the cupbpoard, or turn off the light myself.

But, since it doesn't bother her (The way it bothers you) she sees no reason to change this.

Usually by a kid's sophomore year in high school, they tend to blossom into the young person you were looking for.
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Old 12-11-2006, 03:10 PM
 
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humm our front bathroom doesn't flush properly--so sometimes things go down and sometimes not- I put a gallon pitcher in there and if it gets 1/2 filled with water and dumped into the bowl at the same time as the flush everything goes down easily-- the water has a good flow- although that can be the problem in some toilets-- I am thinking that the vent pipe is a bit blocked- maybe.
Any how the not wiping is a bit strange-- and unusual-- is she constipated? does she have some incontenence? what exactly are you saying about the underwear being ruined ? that there is bm on the underwear or mucous or urine? with my periods even with over night pads on my underwear get blood on them- as for mucous- she could have an infection or just active glands---
I am also wondering if she doesn't have something else going on- how well has she been eating, does she take vitamins ( i suggest some B complex for emotional support coping with stress and magnesium for constipation and blood sugar management) after a month or so on the Bs with regular meals and 9-10 hrs of sleep a night- then rule out depression and I also wonder if she be assaulted/molested?- other thoughs on this does she need to be going to the bathroom at school but avoiding that and holding it till she arrives home- causing some accidents/ near misses- that end up on her underwear? I have had 4 teens of my own and a niece who lived with us from 10 on and a house full of other kids and I have not seen this problem with any of them- not showering often or using antipespirant yes - not doing house cleaning or laundry timely sure but not wiping hummm-- seems like a bit odd and uncomfortable to say the least. I know that my niece would not use the bathrooms at school all day and she did have a chronic UTI problem- unfortunately the doc we took her to would not reinforce the need to use a bathroom in the day saying she doesn't do that herself! boy was I a bit grouchy about that response what an idiot if the doc doesn't have a problem then no biggie but my niece was having problems all the time--
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Old 12-11-2006, 03:27 PM
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I would also try to rule out bullying and harassment. Girls at that age can be VICIOUS! I should know, I was a target. Constantly being dragged into the girls room for the morning "Bitchout" session...for some imagined infraction or another. Really does a number on the self esteem. If she's being targeted by the mean girls at school, she probably has just totally given up on self care because "Since everyone thinks I"m a dirty hobag skank anyway what's the point of keeping myself up? " Stuff like that drove me to the point of suicide. My mom didn't know I was being bullied/harassed. I didn't dare tell her till it was almost too late.

So yeah, I'd ask her, and if she refuses, ask the teachers at her school. They see it...and sometimes they dont step in..sometimes they do...more often than not they don't though.
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Old 12-11-2006, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the ideas. DD read them all and we talked about the ones she wanted to talk about. We are going to try some of the ideas! Thanks!!!
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Old 12-11-2006, 10:21 PM
 
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Are you sure she's not wiping? Maybe she's not making it to the bathroom in the first place. That's a whole other issue.
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Old 12-11-2006, 11:13 PM
 
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I vote, if possible, you take her to see a pro. therapist (depending on where you live, there are often free therapists provided by the state). You need to rule out things like abuse/rape, as well as phobias. In high school I knew several girls who acted out in very strange ways after they were molested, raped, or otherwise abused- not saying your DD has been, but you should go ahead and be sure.

How old was she when you stopped going to the bathroom with her every time? Maybe she just stopped wiping and flushing when she wasn't watched anymore, and now it is just habit- I used to teach a 19yr old girl who did this, and that was her situation. Her parents stopped going with her when she was six, and she just lied to them about wiping, flushing and handwashing.

Also, I taught a 6yr old boy who would not wipe at all. His mom was a germ-a-phobe and was constantly talking about how germs give you diseases and they live in poop. She didn't do anything wrong, she was just trying to teach her child! Unfortunately, he developed a severe aversion to wiping because he was afraid a little poop might touch his hand, and he would die from this... it was very sad.

All kids do things we don't understand- she's probably fine! I just thought I would offer up some possible causes
HTH!

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Old 12-12-2006, 12:57 AM
 
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Randomly, could she be wanting to be ecological? I actually try to convince DS not to flush every time it's just a little pee though with little success. Perhaps cloth wipes and/or a diva cup along with some flushing guidelines re number of uses/hours might be a good choice if this is the case.
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Old 12-12-2006, 06:21 PM
 
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Well, I can tell you that for a little while after I had my first period, I was pretty messy (hadn't got the hang of timing the pads) and rather than put the bloodied undies in the laundry where Mom would see (11 y.o. dd has been able to do her own wash for half a year now, yay her!), I stuck them in the bathroom cupboard, fully intending to get around to washing them myself. This went on for a couple of weeks until my sister came across them and asked me what in the world was going on. I was sooo embarrassed! And I'd been hiding them because I was embarrassed to begin with! Ugh! What a disaster! I can laugh about it now, but I still remember how painful that was.

What it came down to was an intense need for privacy for my own body. Young teens are the most self-conscious, embarrass-able people on the face of the earth. I was trying to be in charge of my body and took a little while to figure it out. I was also experimenting with autonomy. My parents taught me to wash my hands properly, but when I was about 10 y.o. I quit doing that because I just wanted to do things my way. I eventually picked it up again because I saw my friends and siblings washing up after using the toilet. It was my idea, not just another rule.

I wonder if your dd is both a little uncomfortable about wiping properly because she doesn't want to accidentally soil her hands, and also self-conscious about the underwear (kind of ironic, since you're seeing her underwear) and so just ignores the problem. That's also what I was doing, ignoring the problem.

Yes, I'd be very surprised if she doesn't grow out of this problem by herself. But it's fair to gently, respectfully insist she do this right. This is one of those things that isn't optional. It's unhygienic and can get smelly, and it might be hard on her self esteem.

I think the wipes are a great idea, we have them in each bathroom. And your daughter definitely needs to do her own laundry.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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Old 12-26-2006, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well just to update we have had improvement in this area by making a few changes that my daughter agreed to and liked from the suggestions made here. Being molested and medical problems have all been ruled out by appropriate professionals long ago.

She takes all of her laundry (it's not sorted cause there isn't time before leaving for school) and puts it in the washing machine and starts it first thing before she leaves for school. I throw it in the dryer and then on her bed when finished. She sprays any stains with spray and wash first. Since I don't have to see it and it works for her then it is fine with me.

She is using the disposable wipes and likes them.

She talked with our pediatrician and she told her all the same things I have, they talked privately but dd came out laughing telling me she had gone to the same mothering school I went to

Thanks for the suggestions.
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Old 12-26-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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Glad to hear it's working out. I was going to recommend the flushable wipes- that's what got dd to start wiping, at least when she poops. She still doesn't wipe all the time for pee, but she's only 6 adn we're not dealing w/body odor issues quite yet. She bathes every day- so there's not time to build up.

My dd also doesn't like to flush. SHe doesn't like the sound, is a little afraid of overflow, so she does her business, including hand washing- then opens the door, flushes, and runs!!! It's funny to watch, but she's getting over her fears. I don't mind so much if she just pees, but I HATE finding left over poop in the toilet, and it stinks.

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Old 12-28-2006, 05:07 PM
 
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Momuveight2B, thanks for the update and I'm glad to hear the situation has improved.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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Old 12-28-2006, 05:38 PM
 
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Thanks for the update, it's great to hear that she is getting better. Hopefully things will just continue to progress!
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Old 01-04-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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I'm having the same problem with my 10 year old sd. It has been an issue for over a year now. We have 50 -50 custody and it is hard to set the rules or work with her on the issues revolving this situation when her mother does not even accept that there is a problem. My sd says her underwear are the same or worse at her mothers, but no one ever notices over there. Yesterday my dh called her mother for support of the issue and her mother called and told her that she needed to wipe because she "hates to talk to her father for any reason"... What a night!
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Old 01-05-2007, 07:55 PM
 
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dd came out laughing telling me she had gone to the same mothering school I went to
.
Brat!
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