My daughter stole my savings and was taking out my wages for a year!! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 06:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jeannie81 View Post
you have a kinder heart than i do. if my child ever wipes out my life savings and everything else that your dd has done to you, i will cut him out of my life forever. or at least for a very long time, like years.
That is what I was thinking too. But it's one thing to say it, another to do it.
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#62 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 06:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
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And never call the police if what you want is a psychiatrist. The police are not trained to be social workers. Just a few weeks ago in my town a family called the police because their 18 year old son was drunk or high and acting out. They wanted him admitted to a psych ward. He's dead. The cops shot him because he was "acting dangerous" even though he wasn't armed.

If you want a social worker, call a social worker. Not the police.
Come on, be honest, the boy broke every window in the mcmansion, was off his meds and had been partying. The family was locked into a bedroom, to stay away from him. Maybe we should have a butterfly net squad instead of the police to call but until then, sometimes the only people you can call are the police.
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#63 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 08:12 PM
 
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Except the family says they regret calling the police. I don't think the kid was up for sainthood by any means, but when a mother says "I wish we would have tried something else first" I think that's worth listening to.
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#64 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 08:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jeannie81 View Post
you have a kinder heart than i do. if my child ever wipes out my life savings and everything else that your dd has done to you, i will cut him out of my life forever. or at least for a very long time, like years.
I was a troubled teen/young adult. I did some bad things. My sister and I had a couple of rough years where we made a lot of bad choices. I am so grateful that my dad hung in there and never gave up believing that I was a good person at heart. He stood by me and helped me get the help I needed.

I would never, ever give up fighting for my child.
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#65 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
Other options? You can accept being used and abused by your daughter until she ends up dead or in jail when she does it to someone else who isn't so forgiving.

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#66 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 08:33 PM
 
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I cannot see "cutting out" my child over anything. I brought her into the world out of my own selfish desire to have a child, and she's my responsibility. If she screws up majorly in life, I'm willing to bet my decisions had something to do with her ending up at that bad place. It's my job to do what I can to help her and I just can't see how "cutting out" would ever help her, even if she did something terrible, even if she had to go to jail.
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#67 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 09:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
Except the family says they regret calling the police. I don't think the kid was up for sainthood by any means, but when a mother says "I wish we would have tried something else first" I think that's worth listening to.

I am not sure what else they could have tried, White Bird has become homeless only help, the boy was weilding a knife. It's not like we can shoot a tranq. dart into someone suffering an extreem mania. (but maybe we should) The boys younger brother went on to play in a semi final soccer playoff the next day, and according to my nephew who plays with him (and has played with him for YEARS) this was one of many incidents with the older brother. That is not to say he deserved to die, but maybe he was trying to do a suicide by cop.
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#68 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 09:40 PM
 
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I think that you can call the police AND still be there for your daughter. It feels like those two things are mutually exclusive, but they are not.

To the OP - Your daughter has committed a crime - it is no less a crime because it is against you. If your daughter stole from someone else, would you call the police? What if she hurt someone else? What if she killed someone else? I'm not implying in anyway that your daughter will escalate to violence, but I bet it's pretty clear to you that if you knew she killed someone you would call the police so that justice could be served? And you might even call the police if you knew she had hurt someone or mugged them? So, because it's you that she has stolen from you don't call the police.

You can *still* be there for her. You can still give her a place to live and help her rebuild her life once she makes restitution - whether financial or simply serving out whatever sentence she is given. Calling the police is not giving up on your daughter or turning your back on her. It is serving justice. It doesn't matter that it's you she has stolen from; she has still committed a crime. Please do the morally correct thing and report the crime. You can still support your daughter.

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#69 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 10:54 PM
 
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There are at least two different people in this situation that need help....the mom and the daughter. The daughter obviously has enormous issues that need to be addressed. First off she needs to learn that you can't do something like this to someone and walk away without consequences, and that the person who picks the consequences is not her, it is the victim she created by her actions. I strongly suspect there is substance abuse involved, and she is dating a violent partner, and she is behaving illegally and defiantly and dangerously. She is 21 and there is absolutely no excuse for what she has done, period. She needs help and she needs consequences, 'nuff said.

Mom also needs counseling and help. It appears mom has an extremely co-dependant relationship with her daughter and there are little to no boundaries in place to establish a healthy interaction between the two. Mom needs to seek some assistance for this and learn that she has enough worth to not be trampled on by someone else. She also needs to see that her daughter is NOT all she has, and if she doesn't have a "life" established by now she'd better get one quick. Life can and will go on if her daughter walks out of it, she needs to make a choice to live her own life for herself, not her 21 year old child.

For what it's worth, if Grandpa is encouraging the co-dependency, which it sounds like he is, then he could use a few wise words from a counselor as well.
As for everyone who will "stand by their kid".... at what point do you decide to set boundaries and protect yourself? At what point do you say enough is enough and not allow yourself to be victimized by your own offspring? There is a difference between abandoning a child and not allwoing that child to cause more harm to you.Just some food for thought.

I have no doubt in my mind that there has been trouble with this daughter before, she didn't just up and do this, people work there way into this kind of behavior. Red flags need to be paid attention to, and help needs to be sought, well BEFORE the problem hits this magnitude. It is awfully late in the game now for things to be repaired. Not impossible, but very late.

Namaste,

Michelle

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#70 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 11:30 PM
 
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Again, no one behaves like this randomly. It will be a lot easier for me to "stand by my kid" if, say, I am not a conservative who makes her feel like she has to hide who she is from me. If I don't let abusive men into her life when she is small. If I am consistent and fair throughout her childhood and adolescence. If she ends up stealing thousands from me then uh, yeah, I screwed up somewhere and I can't just say "DELETE" and forget I brought her into existence.

FTR while some here think the OP is too soft, I at least admire her for having a heart and not just saying "off with her head." I think that the "tough love" bullcrap has no place on MDC.
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#71 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I cannot see "cutting out" my child over anything. I brought her into the world out of my own selfish desire to have a child, and she's my responsibility. If she screws up majorly in life, I'm willing to bet my decisions had something to do with her ending up at that bad place. It's my job to do what I can to help her and I just can't see how "cutting out" would ever help her, even if she did something terrible, even if she had to go to jail.

Sometimes people are mentally unbalanced, with it having NOTHING to do with parenting, and sometimes people are messed up by their parents. And sometimes, IMHO, people are just jerks.

I am 39. I do not feel my mother has any responsibility for me. Likewise, when my own sons are my age now, I won't be responsible for their actions and decisions.

I don't know if I could permanently cut off one of my kids. But, if I had one who was hell-bent on destroying me, alone with himself, I might consider it.

I guess I just don't know.
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#72 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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I honestly can't imagine cutting my child out of my life either. But I equally can't imagine my child, who I have spent years and years of my life struggling to raise as well as I can, stealing from me in such a devastating way.

I really feel for the OP.
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#73 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 11:36 PM
 
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OK so great, if your kid is terribly ill then you don't have to be their mom anymore? As long as it's mental illness, eh? I guess I just don't feel I have any business bringing someone into this miserable world against their will if I am going to have a "cancellation clause" in the contract.

"Unconditional love" oh wait, now everyone will say "I'd love her, I'd just love her without talking to her or being around her or doing a thing for her ever again." Yeah right.
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#74 of 99 Old 12-16-2006, 11:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was speaking to my sis and she has a fantastic new resolution. Let her fall and when shee does tell her she's there for her and offer her, her support, if she takes it, it's with the new rules.


I think she's right she has to stop taking responsibility for her daughter, I think if my sis did anything wrong it was being overprotective and not letting my niece feel any distress or take any responsibility. I agree it's time to back off and let the pieces fall where they may.

As for drugs no I'm sure she's not on drugs, she is very heavy (which I beleive is not a characteristic of drug abuse), and she is very coherent, I've never seen her in any altered state, none of us drink or do drugs in this family, we don't even have liquor in the house. We have wine at thanksgiving and christmas and that's it.

Regarding us thinking she's back with her ex, last night she said she "worked" and then today she left and later phoned to say she was called into work and then will be leaving from work to go to the christmas party???
It seems strange that she didn't hear about the christmas party last night at work , isn't it? She had quit smoking when I arrived 1 mth ago, and now has started again, her ex smokes, I know that could be for a million other reasons but it could also be because she's back with the ex.

Namastiti,
brenlo3 if only suryanamaskar could fix this.
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#75 of 99 Old 12-17-2006, 12:37 AM
 
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Sounds like mom needs to get some professional help FIRST for herself. Right now she is no place to help her daughter because she is hurt and doesn't know what to do. I don't blame her, I would be devastated too! But the daughter has a right to live her life however she wants. What she doesn't have a right to do is to ruin her mom's life or bring her mom down with her. So mom needs to learn how to set healthy boundaries, this girl is 21yo for goodness sake, she is an adult and acting like a spoiled 13yo.

So that's my advice: Get help for yourself. Get some professional counseling, talk to the people with Toughlove, go to Alanon type meetings, seek out a pastor or other clergy you might true, but do something.

And learn to set some boundaries and live your own life separately from your daughter. Hopefully she will come around, but she has committed crimes and if you let that slide, she will continue and continue. And in the end that is not love on your part. Sometimes love is doing the hard thing, not the easy one.

Good luck, it's such a sad mess, I really do feel for you
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#76 of 99 Old 12-17-2006, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Barb , I'll pass that on to my sis. I think that is good solid advice.
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#77 of 99 Old 12-17-2006, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just a note to belgiansheepdog, because it's difficult to fill in all the blanks in this story, but my sis got prgnant the second time she ever had sex, and tried to make it work for a year or two with the father. My sis has never even had a date in 21 years!! Just food for thought, you really can be a good parent and have a stinky kid. My sis is also an ECE, she really is, if I do say so myself ,a beautiful giving soul.:
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#78 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 12:39 AM
 
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Originally Posted by thismama View Post
I have no idea so take this with a grain of salt, but personally I would seriously consider calling the police and having her charged.
I agree with this idea. There's nothing like tough love. They can help her get help without abandoning her. I don't think I could ever abandon a child of mine in any situation. We all make mistakes, especially when we're young.

You didn't mention your DDs age but she obviously has no respect for you as her mother, the person who carried her for 9 months and raised her. She isn't sorry for her actions and hasn't apologized to you or atleast tried to make it up to you? I'm sorry, but if it were my child they would agree to getting some help or else they wouldn't be welcome in my home. What she did goes beyond trust issues. JMHO, but she sounds very tricky and caniving (sp?) and I wouldn't trust her in my home.

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#79 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 01:04 AM
 
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you really can be a good parent and have a stinky kid.
And you can be a good person and do stinky things. People often go through rough times in life where they do stupid things they later regret, the ones who make it through have family who never gave up.
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My sis is also an ECE
What's that?
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#80 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 02:08 AM
 
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I would call the police and press charges.

Me too. You wouldn't be doing her any favors by letting her getaway with this.

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#81 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 02:11 AM
 
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To the previous poster: "ECE" = early childhood educator. (In case you don't know, this is someone who's gone to school to be a childcare provider and/or teacher to young children.)



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Originally Posted by Ellien C View Post
...If your daughter stole from someone else, would you call the police? What if she hurt someone else? What if she killed someone else?...
She IS hurting one else, and may end up accidentally killing someone....HERSELF!!! She's cutting and that's dangerous. Look, if you want to help your daughter; doing nothing is NOT the way to go. You HAVE to do something. Research your options, map out a plan, head down that path and don't look back. Private counselling is a great place for her to start. You (mama) also need to seek help for yourself. This is alot for you to process and you have issues of anger and hurt deep down there among the concern and it would be best for your well-being that you seek help too. If you can't afford it, contact your church/religious organization and see if they can help.



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Originally Posted by wytchywoman View Post
...For what it's worth, if Grandpa is encouraging the co-dependency, which it sounds like he is, then he could use a few wise words from a counselor as well....
:

...and in fact, 'brenlo3'; you should get counselling too....same with your daughter (and pay special attention to her, since she was twisted into this and it's necessary that she's not thinking this is something she can do too). I'm not saying you'll need years of therapy or anything, but a few sessions to process how YOU feel and your anger in this situation should be addressed as well.

I feel now that I've said everything I can to help here; so I don't plan on returning to this thread again. I wish you and your family luck, health, and total wellness in the future.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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#82 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 02:12 AM
 
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Sometimes people are mentally unbalanced, with it having NOTHING to do with parenting, and sometimes people are messed up by their parents. And sometimes, IMHO, people are just jerks.
People are not born jerks. Something happened to create the jerk. Be that mental illness, past abuse or a variety of other things none of which are just being born .
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#83 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 02:41 AM
 
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People are not born jerks. Something happened to create the jerk. Be that mental illness, past abuse or a variety of other things none of which are just being born .
Maybe so - but that doesn't mean it's bad parenting or a parent's fault. I was abused by a relative, without my mom's knowledge, for years. She addressed it as soon as she found out. I was abused again, by an employee at my school, without my mom's knowledge. All kinds of crap can happen to people that aren't about bad parenting.

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#84 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 05:51 PM
 
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Please tell me what I need to do ?
I have only read the OP. If this were my kid, the first thing I would do is tell her to find a new place to live. The second thing I would do is call the police and report the theft. The third thing I would do is get some counseling to figure out how to rebuild my life after this massive betrayal.

Namaste!
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#85 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, just an update, this just get crazier by the minute. She was supposed to work on Sunday, my dad drove her in, as he or I do. My sister doesn't have her work number (after a year of her working there), because she says her mom is nosey. She phoned while my sis was out and wanted to know where she was, who she was out with etc... I said I didn't know but to call back later.

She doesn't have a cel. anymore because of what happened in the past ( I imagine my sister is paying off her last one). While with a knot in my stomach I star 69ed the call and said oh I'm just calling to see what time your getting off. She didn't answer the phone , I left a messege and then she called back. She saounded very stern when she called back, like so now you know that I have a cel, kinda thing.

Then I went to the phone book looked up her job and phoned asking for my niece, the lady said nobody by that name works here, I described my niece to her and she said no.

Then my niece called my sis and I told my sis to say I just phoned her work etc.. and that I will phone again when she hangs up and I would like her to answer the phone to prove to me she's there.

I phoned again and the same ,now aggitated lady answered and said I already told you she doesn't work here, I explained what just happened and told her I'm just worried about my niece and please accept my appology for disturbing you. She said it was o.k. and that she has worked there for 6 years and in that time nobody by that name has ever worked here. I said thank you.

When my niece called back she said she is out in front of work and I could go pick her up. My sister said but what work you don't work and never did. For one year shes been haveing my dad and the last month me drive her about 15-20 mins. into and pick her up, and she never worked there!!

Also, when I first came back , 1 mth ago, she called us from work and she was screaming she had fallen and my sis and dad (who is 78 yrs, old) went to get her and took her to the hospital, her shoulder was out of the socket!! She had her shoulder put back in and a sling put on???? What was that about she said she fell, but now in retrospect maybe that girlfriend did it to her.

Anyway, my sis told her she couldn't live here anymore until she agrees to stop seeing her girlfriend and get professional help. well... she didn't come home last night and left a mess. that she'll be coming for her things tonight.

She got the mail today and there was a letter that the creditcard my niece took out, racked up and was paying back (that was in my sis name) , is going to collections and my sis has 5 days to pay it!! So, she hasn't been paying that, obviously since she doesn't work. Her girlfriend is a single mother and on welfare, so I imagine she gets money from her or I hope not from us!!

So, what can we do???? She's 21 yrs. old. How and where can my sister go so when my niece does fall my sis will be ready with a socail worker who is aware of the case and ready to admit her to a program...what program , where etc... My sis has nothing. I've just come home with 3 children and I'm struggling and my poor father lives off his pension. Help we are in T.O., Ontario, Canada. Please if there are any referrels please let me know, we are desperate.
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#86 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 10:17 PM
 
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I would not call the police on my daughter, either. I would try to find out what caused this to happen, what is going on underneath the behavior. I would get therapy for myself and then try to get her to get therapy as well.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
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#87 of 99 Old 12-18-2006, 10:36 PM
 
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What a heartbreaking situation.

As this daughter is 21 years old, no one can force her into therapy. There is not much point doing much more than encouraging it. Her mother, however, needs some therapy too. A few pages back sopmeone mentioned borderline personality disorder. It sure sounds a lot like that to me - the cutting, the manipulation, the drama, the victim mentality, not being able to accept responsibility for one's own hurtful/harmful actions.

Whether or not the daughter is willing to see someone and get a proper diagnosis of whatever the problem is, her mom can still benefit from counselling. There are some excellent resources out there for family members of people with BPD. Please encourage this mom to do some reading - I think there is a website called BPDCentral or something like that and there are several books like "Stop Walking On Eggshells" that talk about these kinds of problems and have chapters specifically for parents of someone who does this kind of thing.

The drama will continue. The best thing for mom to do is to learn about the dynamnics that are going on and talk to others who have been there and a counsellor who understands. If you are living in Toronto, there are lots of counselling services available and psychiatric care is fully covered by OHIP.

Please encourage to at least do some reading about borderline personality disorder. Other parents have been there.
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#88 of 99 Old 12-19-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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She got the mail today and there was a letter that the creditcard my niece took out, racked up and was paying back (that was in my sis name)
This is also an identity theft situation. If the Mom can prove that Mom was a victim of fraud, and did not ever sign for/know about the credit cards, it may be possible to make the debt go away. Of course the first step in this process will be to have a police report filed.

In any case, the Mom needs to protect herself from further identity theft. Get copies of her credit report, dispute and cancel all fraudulent accounts, and have warning placed on the credit report (so if any future credit cards are applied for, they will need to actually speak with the person on the phone.)

http://www.safecanada.ca/identitytheft_e.asp
http://www.identitytheft.org/
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#89 of 99 Old 12-19-2006, 02:47 PM
 
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Have you considered the very real possibility that she is involved with drugs? You need to find out about that because it would probably change the course of action that you would need to take.
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#90 of 99 Old 12-19-2006, 03:44 PM
 
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This sounds just like my ex husband. He did this stuff to his grandparents for 10 YEARS! He was 29 when they were about to lose their home because he had stolen all their money, used their credit cards, etc. He never used drugs, he just didn't want to work... he never had a job until two years ago.

They finally pressed charges three years ago. I know this because they couldn't find him so of course the cops came knocking at my door asking how to reach him, where he lived.

He is now 32 almost 33. He is on probation (he has two more years) and he pays a certain sum each month direct deposit out of his paycheck back to his grandparents per court order. Calling the police was the best thing that his grandparents ever did for him. It scared him straight...

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