My daughter stole my savings and was taking out my wages for a year!! - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-15-2006, 08:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My daughter took out a second ATM card for my account (without me knowing) and wiped out my life savings, took out my salary , leaving just enough to cover my cheques , racked up my credit card to capacity, and took out a major creditcard and racked it up, crashed her grandfathers new car and stole items from my sister and nephew and sold them including a video camara. I'm a single mother and have given my life to her, never went out , worked and lived for her, taught her to be a good person and I just can't beleive this has happened.

I'm numb, I can't feel, I'm destroyed and violated and torn!!She left to live on her own (now I know I was paying for that), and fought with her friend and needed to come back home (this is after I found all of this out)., now she's here and if I ask her any questions she says "I feel like I'm being interrogated." She is not sorry , isn't paying me back and doesn't feel remorseful. I feel like I can't trust her and don't ask her anything because I know she will tell me a lie.

She is cutting herself and I think it's her way of scaring me and controlling me. (if I punish her for her actions she'll hurt herself.)

I don't know what to do to make her take responsibility for what she has done to me. I have nothing, I saved for 15 years and now I have nothing!!
I feel heart broken someone I love so much could do this to me.

Please tell me what I need to do ? I can't see the forest through the trees and I'm scared she'll hurt herself!!

Sincerely, brenlo3's sister

brenlo3 told me about you mamas and suggested I post here.:
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Old 12-15-2006, 08:59 PM
 
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wow.

you need someone alot smarter than me to help with this situation....

But I couldn't read this and say nothing.....

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, but you might want to give time frames for when these things happened and the ages your daughter was when they happened....


Good Luck

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Old 12-15-2006, 09:02 PM
 
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I have no idea so take this with a grain of salt, but personally I would seriously consider calling the police and having her charged. That is freaking crazy.
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:07 PM
 
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First off how did she get the ATM card? here I have to go in and ask for and sign for one. Second How is it that your bank statements never showed what was happening? We get a savings account summery every month. Not that we have anything in it but it is there.

If she got the card thru false means then it may be possible to pursue that with the bank since someone messed up letting her have that card. Unless of course her name was on the account. If it wasnt she illegally got that card.


 
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:14 PM
 
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Ya, sorry this has happened to you, but how did she get away with this for so long? How old is she? I don't mean to sound harsh either but, I would charge her IMO she will not learn her lesson unless charged, she will do it again, she committed fraud and that is illegal. This sounds like a case for some tough love, sorry.
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:20 PM
 
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I would call the police and press charges.
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:26 PM
 
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This sounds like it is beyond your capacity to deal with on your own. Get the police involved. Also, if she is cutting herself she needs help, NOW! Don't let her play it off and don't you play it off either. Is there a therapist you can take her to (make her go to)?

Momma, I'm so sorry your daughter has done this to you. I agree, this is definitely a time for tough love.

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Old 12-15-2006, 09:27 PM
 
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I think this is something bigger than you can deal with. The cutting and serious theft issues are not something you can "parent" out of her. I think you need professionals to help her. And calling the police may be the first step in getting her the help she needs. You probably at this point do not have the funds to cover it yourself so going the route of courts, etc. may be her only hope.
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:28 PM
 
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some advice from a former bad daughter. You HAVE to get a judgement of some sort against her. Civil court if need be-then go to your bank and demand action. If she says she is being interrogated-then you tell her yes it is interrogation-You deserve to know where your retirement went. I was a self cetered young adult and i still never did anything quite that bad. This sounds just crushing. Gather your bank statements-get the atm card from her change your accoutns to a new bank and file a report with the police. I went through a sorta similar thing once with a former friend and instead of jail the dA told me she would get probation as long as she agreed to payments through the court. Of course she took off and I never got anything back-but the courts will give a first timer the chance to pay back the stolen money. So you don't have to beat yourself up about her going to jail.

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Old 12-15-2006, 09:39 PM
 
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Sounds like dp's 18 yo son. He's done all this & more ... pawned our electronics, the laptop I'm typing on which the police recovered from a pawnshop, etc.

DP devoted her life to him. I entered the picture when he was 12, & he steadily got worse. We invested so much time & $ & love into him and paid for tons of counseling, therapy, antidepressants, etc. Right now he's in jail (again) facing 3-5 yrs in prison for theft & probation violation. He's done prior time for stealing our credit card. He's been doing this kind of stuff for years. He's also a drug addict.

Your situation needs more than tough love. Trust me-- from someone who's btdt: get the police involved. Your dd needs to face serious consequences. And if she's like my stepson, she STILL won't shape up. Some people just need to grow up a lot before learning. I have an awful feeling dp's son will be about 35 before he matures. He's a suburban kid brought up in an extremely loving home w/a supportive family who has a major victim mentality.

Tangent -- back to you: Call the police. And do not tolerate any of this behavior. It will only worsen if you do not act & enforce some sort of legal recourse. Even if she slips up, she'll know you're serious about not being taken advantage of. Good luck.

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Old 12-15-2006, 09:41 PM
 
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I agree with all of the advice given here. Take it to the police and the bank.

This next part is all IMHO - :

She is not going to be responsible and it will likely get worse. (My friend's daughter actually beat her up eventually, after breaking into her home and stealing from her.) Please don't let it get any further. Show her you love her by making it clear that this is not acceptable and that you respect yourself and family. All people want boundaries. Give her what she is asking for.

Hey, you've done a really tough thing already by posting here and asking for help.

Julia
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Old 12-15-2006, 09:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for your advice and help. I just CAN'T call the police, I may be so wrong but I just CAN'T. Any other options?
:
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:02 PM
 
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I know as a mother you don't want to call the police, but by not calling them, you are giving her the message that it is okay to act like this and keep on doing it. And this is going to sound bad, but it's the truth and the truth hurts, if she did this kinda stuff to the wrong person, the could be serious or permanant consequences to pay, know what I mean?
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:03 PM
 
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:06 PM
 
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Thank you all for your advice and help. I just CAN'T call the police, I may be so wrong but I just CAN'T. Any other options?
:
Can you come up with a way for her to fix the situation? Like, a *hard* way to *really* fix the situation? And if she does not follow thru, then you call the police?
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thismama, yes maybe, but what? My mail would go missing and I'd never receive my bills, so when all this happened we put a lock on the mailbox and now she's got the key and I have to wonder why she needs to get the mail?:
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:16 PM
 
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thismama, yes maybe, but what? My mail would go missing and I'd never receive my bills, so when all this happened we put a lock on the mailbox and now she's got the key and I have to wonder why she needs to get the mail?:
Take away the key! Why does she have the key? That is crazy.

She needs to get a job and start paying you back. She needs to pay you a LOT of her paycheque, especially if she is living with you and not paying rent anywhere. Not just a little bit.

This is a BIG FREAKING DEAL. It sounds like she is not treating it that way, and you are not making her. She ruined your life savings! That is nuts.

Make an agreement up, get her to sign it. If she doesn't follow thru, call the cops. And there you have your evidence.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:18 PM
 
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How old is she? And waiting to call the cops till after she does not pay you back, because that's probably what will happen, it might be to late to get them involved.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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why can't you call the police? I don't understand. You must feel responsible in some way. It seems like masochism to me- 15 years of savings stolen from you by your own daughter- wow- that must be excruciating. I only have a two year old and am trying not to judge or assume I know how to fix it. But still I don't think you should let her get away with that. Get some balls- she'll respect you more in the end. Maybe she'll learn a hard lesson.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:20 PM
 
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How old is she? And waiting to call the cops till after she does not pay you back, because that's probably what will happen, it might be to late to get them involved.
Oh yeah, I didn't think of that.

My bet is she won't pay you back. She is acting like she is the victim in this! Moaning about being 'interrogated.' That is nuts.

What is the whole story? Is there something we are missing? Did she have an addiction, owe someone a gambling debt? Why did she do this, do you know? What was your relationship like before?
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:21 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Thorey;6771975] Get some balls- QUOTE] That was uncalled for :
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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It sounds to me like she is either on drugs or bi-polar. Have you talked to her yet? What does she have to say? How long has it been? How old is she?

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Old 12-15-2006, 10:32 PM
 
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Please do not allow one wayward girl to ruin your future! Maybe dfacs could take her off your hands. Not quite the police, but it might be her last chance to show some redeeming qualities.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:37 PM
 
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sorry but i too think you need to get the authorities involved. she dose not sound like she'd make any sort of amends.
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Old 12-15-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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The way I see it you have 2 choices get the police involved or just forget about it. You are out your savings and your daughter has gotten away with it. Is that really what you want to happen? To send her the message that no matter what she does she will get away with it? I am truly sorry you are going thru this but you have to do what is right for your daughter she needs help. Or the rest of your and her life is going to be like this.

 
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Old 12-15-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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My daughter took out a second ATM card for my account (without me knowing) and wiped out my life savings, took out my salary , leaving just enough to cover my cheques , racked up my credit card to capacity, and took out a major creditcard and racked it up, crashed her grandfathers new car and stole items from my sister and nephew and sold them including a video camara. I'm a single mother and have given my life to her, never went out , worked and lived for her, taught her to be a good person and I just can't beleive this has happened.

I'm numb, I can't feel, I'm destroyed and violated and torn!!She left to live on her own (now I know I was paying for that), and fought with her friend and needed to come back home (this is after I found all of this out)., now she's here and if I ask her any questions she says "I feel like I'm being interrogated." She is not sorry , isn't paying me back and doesn't feel remorseful. I feel like I can't trust her and don't ask her anything because I know she will tell me a lie.

She is cutting herself and I think it's her way of scaring me and controlling me. (if I punish her for her actions she'll hurt herself.)

I don't know what to do to make her take responsibility for what she has done to me. I have nothing, I saved for 15 years and now I have nothing!!
I feel heart broken someone I love so much could do this to me.

Please tell me what I need to do ? I can't see the forest through the trees and I'm scared she'll hurt herself!!

Sincerely, brenlo3's sister

brenlo3 told me about you mamas and suggested I post here.:
I am so sorry you are going through this. I used to work on an adolescents psychiatric unit as a Registered Nurse. There were many kids who did these kinds of things. Maybe you can get her a psych eval and some therapy? It makes be think of borderline personality disorder. (of course, as a nurse I can not diagnose, and a diagnosis can't be made from that little bit of info, but others I have cared for did similar things and had that diagnosis.)

If/when she cuts herself again, you can have her admitted easily if she is under 18. It would be harder if she is over 18, but still possible. Sometimes being in a psych unit gives teens/young adults a good scare and they straighten up. They get a mandatory drug screen on admission, so you would know if drugs were to play or not. That probably isn't something too popular to say here, so if you would like to talk about it, feel free to pm me.

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Old 12-15-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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I so understand.... your daughter is crying for help and you don't want to throw her to the wolves ... and you are so hurt you don't have the strength to think clearly or even go on. Can you go see a counselor? To help you get through your pain and disappointment? And they could also help you to strategize a plan on how best to handle your dd.

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Old 12-15-2006, 11:21 PM
 
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Old 12-15-2006, 11:24 PM
 
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I so understand.... your daughter is crying for help and you don't want to throw her to the wolves ... and you are so hurt you don't have the strength to think clearly or even go on. Can you go see a counselor? To help you get through your pain and disappointment? And they could also help you to strategize a plan on how best to handle your dd.
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Old 12-15-2006, 11:25 PM
 
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Do they actually have enough room in the remaining psych hospitals for teens who cut themselves? I know where I live, it has become increasingly difficult to get anyone admitted without a judge's orders, except for the few with tons of money and/or incredibly good insurance. I'm not opposed to putting people in psych hospitals when they absolutely need it (which I'm not sure is the case here, though I agree it sounds like borderline personality disorder), but I rarely bother suggesting it since it can be hard to accomplish, and even more difficult to get them to keep the individual for as long as needed (72 hours - 2 weeks is rarely enough time for effective help.)
I have an acquaintance who was hospitalized for SI (big stuff, though -- taking a Dremel tool to her leg, passing out from blood loss, etc)

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